What Were You Meant For
by Winfan2
Summary: Jay Halstead faces peril in his job on a daily basis with the Intelligence Unit but also deals with the difficulties of raising his ten year old son on his own as a single father. These challenges, along with the mystery surrounding Liam's mother and her disappearance years ago, keep life interesting. Every day is a challenge, one he can only hope he is up for.
1. Chapter 1

What Were You Meant For

"Put your helmet on," Jay Halstead instructed his ten year old son.

Liam sighed and fiddled with the straps but still hadn't made a move to put it atop his crown. "I have never fallen off," he said looking down at his scooter.

"That's great. But if you do, your helmet will be on your head." Jay sighed as his son continued to stall. "Put it on or we don't go and if we don't go, you'll spend the morning cleaning the kitchen instead.

"Now it's a beautiful morning, and I'd much rather be out here," he said spreading his arms wide towards the nearly empty streets, "than in the apartment. Besides, you know how cranky I get if I don't get my morning run."

"Fine," Liam huffed slamming the helmet on and clicking the buckle closed. He felt like a little kid when he wore it and he wasn't a little kid, despite what his father thought.

This was their typical morning routine when the weather allowed, and being tough Chicagoan's, only a polar vortex, pouring rain or a blizzard would keep them inside. Jay needed his morning run to calm his mind and rev up his body. His days were long, much longer than he liked, and much, much longer than his son liked. His job and its demands were always a point of contention between father and son. But morning was their time and it had dawned sunny and beautiful on this day. The low clouds and fog that were frequent visitors to the city were nowhere in sight. The pair rolled out of bed, into their clothes and out the door. It was a time dedicated to physical exercise and togetherness; a time each day that was rarely put aside for the needs of anything else. And despite Liam's occasional resistance, Jay had no doubt that his son cherished this time as much as he did.

He took one last look at his watch, nodded at his son who was straddling his scooter and began to jog down the sidewalk of their Bucktown neighborhood. There were very few people out yet. Most were up, preparing for the day ahead, showering, doing yoga, brewing coffee and pouring cereal into bowls. But they weren't outside yet and that left the sidewalks and streets to the pounding feet and spinning wheels of the Halstead men.

They rarely spoke during this time, but found the silence both comfortable and somehow comforting. Liam, would ride his scooter or bike as his father ran. Jay much preferred the scooter as the kid couldn't get up the same speed and stayed much closer than when he was allowed to pedal. This activity seemed to cement them in a way that the rest of the day couldn't promise. Jay had amassed a list of sitters that could step in and swap out when he wasn't available into the evening and occasionally overnight. He hated it as much as Liam did, but he loved his job and he was damn good at it. So he juggled it all as best as he knew how.

The entire intelligence team was a great asset. When work conflicted with a scheduled activity, Hank Voight did his best to accommodate a few minutes where at least one of them could check in and show their support. If it couldn't be Jay, then it would be Adam, Hailey, Kim or Kevin. He knew how hard it was raising kids and how easily it could all slip from your fingers.

Liam or L.J. as he was sometimes called was a good kid. He was charming, charismatic, bright and very headstrong. He was also outspoken, adventurous and had a heart as big as his fathers. There was no doubt Jay had his hands full. Very full.

As Jay's new running shoes slapped at the pavement he looked down the street at his son who was reaching the intersection. "Don't go any further," he yelled as Liam turned around and began to make his way back towards Jay.

He had never thought about having kids. Not that he was particularly opposed to it, but whenever he allowed himself a peek into the future, there were never any children in the pictures of his mind. Now, not only was he a father, but he was a single father. Not a part-time, every other weekend father, but totally one hundred percent on his own, father. It all stemmed from a ten day leave that had him enraptured with an ethereal Irish beauty.

He had been back home in Chicago before his deployment to Afghanistan and they had met at a friends party, spending ten fun-filled days and nights entwined in each others lives before parting. Despite having no specific future plans, and both seemed somewhat content with their brief time together, Jay still made sure to leave his contact information with her. After initially hearing nothing, he assumed she had moved on and forgotten all about him. Then one day an envelope came. The envelope that contained a letter that changed everything. It began with the usual formalities and greetings, weather related sundries, sorry I haven't written etc. But it was the fuzzy black picture that had Jay puzzled. He couldn't tell what it was, until a fellow soldier looked at it and said 'congratulations...boy or girl?' It was then that he realized that he was holding an ultrasound picture and there were two paragraphs yet to be read in the letter.

She assured him the baby was his, that she hadn't been with anyone else. The due date fit their time together and suddenly the world felt very small and very heavy on his shoulders. She wanted nothing from him. But felt that he needed to know, that it was only fair.

It was months later on a dusty, sweat soaking day that the letter came with a picture, giving her new address if he was ever interested in a future visit. He looked at the 4x6 picture which was filled with a little boy, his little boy. Liam James Halstead. She had even given the baby his last name. His heart pounded faster and heavier than it had in the firefight that he had been involved in the day before. He wanted to deny the possibility, but as he looked at the fair skinned, blue eyed infant, all he could see was himself. He returned home, but was nowhere near ready for the responsibility awaiting him. He made several attempts to call, to visit Bridget, the mother of his son, multiple times, but it took six months before he was truly ready and successfully knocked on that door and met his child for the first time.

Looking back, he had always wondered what if he hadn't followed up—if he had pretended none of it was true—if he had taken the clemency that she had offered. Where his life would be now, how different would Liam be, how different would he be? But there was no sense in wondering what, why or how, because the love of his life, was a ten year old boy with a stubborn streak and an attitude to match. A boy that he would fight for, cherish and love until his dying day.

He and Bridget instantly agreed that pursuing a relationship was not in the cards and that was okay, though she seemed a little more insistent on staying apart than he did. Jay paid child support, and got Liam every other weekend and every Wednesday night that his job allowed. She never pushed for the money, though he was certain finances were tight, and she never admonished him when he had to cancel because of work. There were times, it even felt that she wasn't even there. Then one day—she wasn't.

Her name was Bridget O'Brien, or at least that's what she had told him. She was from somewhere in Ireland, she never said exactly where. She had come to Chicago for school, fell in love with city and decided to stay, finding a job with an nonprofit agency. She lived simply, even with a child in her care. She never spoke about her family back home or her life as a child. He had seen one picture of her in her youth, she was with a boy, perhaps her brother as there was a clear resemblance between the two. It was tucked partially under a book on the kitchen table where Jay was waiting while she got Liam ready.

Then one day, when Liam was five, Jay was waiting while the boy hunted down his favorite sweatshirt to ward off the upcoming weekend chill, she broke the news.

"I have to go back home," she said barely above a whisper.

"Ireland?" Jay asked, his voice hesitant. His mind was swirling. He and Liam had become so close. He couldn't bear the thought of losing him, even for a brief time. What about Liam's school? His friends? What about Jay's promise to ride the Centennial Wheel at the Navy Pier? What about the promised trip to the book store to pick out, not one or two, but three books since his report card had been so good?

"I'm not asking you to give him up. In fact, I need you take him full time. He can't come with me."

"But—" Jay began, his mind shifting from one extreme to the other. "What? You're going to leave him? Why can't he go with you?" Then he looked at her face, which was an unreadable mask. "I mean, I was preparing to fight to keep him here so—"

"You don't have to. It's just best if he stays here with you."

"But my job has long hours. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. When will you come back?" He asked as the uncertainty crept into his voice.

"When I'm finished with what I have to do. You'll be fine. It's what you were meant for."

"What?" He asked, confused, though she had used that phrase with him before when he had talked to her after a long and difficult day at work, wondering if police work was truly for him or not. She assured it was exactly what he was meant for.

"We all have our part in the world, what we are meant for. I'm meant for something that will take me away. You are a good man Jay Halstead. And a good father. I have no doubt that this is what you were meant for."

Jay tried to absorb what she was saying. "Does Liam know?"

"I've told him I'm going on a trip."

"What are your plans there? What is going on?"

But before she could answer Liam had come out of his room, sweatshirt and backpack on, ready to go. He ran towards his father, slamming into Jay's legs with full force. The unspoken words remaining unsaid.

She never came back. She never contacted them again. The phone number that she left was a dead end. And then the discovery that Bridget O'Brien hadn't been her real name.

At his father's insistence, one of the many things that drove them apart, he did a DNA test when Liam was eight months old. His mother was disgusted by thought, saying she knew that without a doubt this was their grandson. The spitting image of Jay as an infant. But Pat had insisted and Jay acquiesced. With the sealed results in hand, he couldn't manage to open the envelope as his mother posed the question, what if Liam wasn't his, what then? But Pat took the results from him, ripped them open and the answer was 99.999997% conclusive that they were in fact father and son. His dying mother sobbed; in happiness of the certainty, or out of anger at her husband for his uncertainty, Jay was never sure which.

But not everything could be measured with lab results, most especially who Liam's mother really was, where did she go and why she hadn't come back. Papers had been dated months earlier with Cook county and delivered to Jay six months after her leaving. She had signed over all of her parental rights. There was also an envelope addressed to their son, not to be opened or read by anyone other than him. And to be given to him, when Jay felt the time was right. When that would be, he had no idea.

Telling a family that a loved one has died, is gut wrenching, but telling your only child that his mother had been lost to an unknown abyss was an impossibility.

As Liam rolled by Jay thought about what crap hand the boy was given. A workaholic father who dealt with episodes of PTSD and suffered equally from insomnia and nightmares. Along with a mother who was willingly swept away into an unknown hurricane. The odds were already stacked for the kid to have more abandonment issues than Jay had ever experienced, as well as a general mistrust, of, well—everybody.

He knew Liam was more aware of things that Jay wanted to believe. He had stopped asking about his mother over a year ago. At first it was daily questions of when she was coming back, then weekly, then monthly. Jay admitted he had no answers. But he was certain there was a good reason she had left and that Liam was the reason that she would be back. Except she never had returned.

It left the boy angry and frustrated. It would cause him to occasionally act out, especially when Jay worked long hours. More than once had been met at the door by a tearful child, believing that he had been killed while on duty. It was those nights, neither one of them got any sleep.

When Jay was shot while pursuing the arsonist responsible for the fire that killed his father, Liam came into his room every night, and slept on the floor or the foot of the bed as if he feared his father would disappear in the middle of the night. He hadn't been truthful with the boy, telling him he had fallen down the stairs while chasing an offender and that's what was responsible for his injuries. But Liam had clearly sensed it had been more.

"Which way? Left or right?" Liam asked snapping him out of his memories.

"Left," Jay answered as Liam scooted ahead.

Back home, Jay shooed Liam into the shower while he got the coffee going and got out a box of cereal and a bowl for breakfast. He downed a protein shake, as Liam came out, trying to tug his shirt down over his still wet torso.

"Did you even try to dry off?"

"I did. Just some of the water stuck to me."

Jay, couldn't even come close to quashing the smile that came to his lips. "Come and eat while I shower."

Liam tried to pat down his wet hair with one hand as he picked up the box of Cheerios with his other hand and got most of the little O's into the bowl. As he got the milk from the fridge he could hear his dad call out to be careful with it. "I'm not a little kid," he replied. Using both hands he steadied the half gallon and carefully poured the milk and took pride in his complete success. "I did it great!" He yelled out in an I-told-you-so tone.

"Good job!" Jay yelled out from the shower. "Is your backpack ready to go?" The list of things to do was endless and there were some days that he was exhausted before he even walked out the door.

"I think so. You have to sign my permission slip for the Field Museum or I can't go!"

"Where is it?"

"The Field Museum?" Liam questioned.

"No. The slip, smart ass," Jay yelled.

"I don't know."

"Well how am I going to sign it then?"

"I don't know that either."

Jay finished his shower, got dressed, put on his badge and retrieved his gun and ammo from the lock box in his closet and came back the kitchen to find the entire contents of his son's backpack on the vinyl floor. "Find it?" He asked as he looked at the clock and noticed they were going to be late.

He squatted down and started picking up the random papers that littered the floor. "Dude you really need to get organized."

"It's not here. The trip is next week and I have to turn it in today."

"You've been to the museum several times already. We can always go again."

"No! I want to go with my friends."

"Well, then you should have kept better track of it."

Jay stood up and grabbed the refuse from breakfast and put it away as Liam slung his folder across the floor. "Uh uh. Not how to handle it. Look, I'll write a note stating you can go to the museum. I'll contact your teacher and she can email me the permission slip if necessary. But, in the future, you need to be more responsible. It would seem that I recall you just told me that you weren't a little kid. So this would be a great time to show it. Get your stuff, we're going to be late."

"You have to write the note," Liam reminded.

Jay opened his eyes wide in exasperation. The streets often seemed calm after dealing with a ten year old in the morning rush to get to school. "I'll write while you clean up."

Liam gathered up papers and stuffed half in a blue folder and the other in a red folder. "I found it! It was folded up in here." He said excitedly, waving it in the air.

"Well give it here," Jay said setting aside the note he had been working on. "You are spending nearly the entire day there I see."

"Yep. But we have to be quiet and we will have to write a report on our favorite part. I like the dinosaurs. SUE is my favorite."

"Yes, I know you do and I know she is. Here, put it in your pocket or somewhere you'll find it. Now lets go."

"They don't know that it's a girl. It's just named after the person who found the bones." Liam explained concerning the skeleton of the Tyrannosaurus Rex that was one of the highlights of the museum. "Are you picking me up today?"

"I'm going to try."

"You always try."

"And sometimes I actually do it." Jay said with a tight smile.

A half hour later with his child dropped off, Jay made his way upstairs and collapsed in his chair at his desk at the district.

"Rough morning?" Hailey asked.

"Every morning is rough. It's like this mindless spinning energy."

"A lot like the streets."

"Yeah, I guess. This mornings big trauma was a lost permission slip."

"Oh the horrors of fifth grade. Hey, does he ever ask about his mother anymore?" She asked as she picked up a picture on Jay's desk of him holding a cherubic two year old Liam, the camera capturing his loving gaze perfectly. She set it down and picked up the other framed photo, taken last year at the Christmas parade, both of them bundled up, with Micky Mouse waltzing around behind them.

Jay blinked back his surprise. "Not really. I think he's given up."

"Have you? Given up?"

"I don't know. Why the lies? A pseudonym, no background information at all? How could I not see how secretive she was?"

"Because you weren't interested in her for his familial history. Then, it was all about Liam. I might have someone who can help and not leave a trail."

"Help with what? I discovered there was no one by her name that left Ireland and lived in Chicago. I have nothing to go on other than Ireland. I've got no direction. I'm not even sure when she came over here. She never said. Hell, she may not even be Irish."

"Why would she leave her son behind? I mean by accounts she seemed like a good mother."

"She was a great mother. But something always seemed off about her. I mean not that Liam was ever in any danger, but she just seemed so content to fade into the background. No social media, no parent groups, nothing outside of what she absolutely needed. How did this get past me? Some detective I am."

"We often miss what is right in front of us. And it may mean nothing."

"If it meant nothing, then she'd be here." Jay replied.

_**Soundtrack:**_

_**The Decemberists ~ Rox in the Box**_


	2. Big and Strong

Big and Strong

"See anything?" Mandy Peppercorn asked.

"Cars, but not my dad's truck," Liam sighed.

Mandy leaned against the short iron bar fence that surrounded the grassy area of the school. The after-school program ended at 6:15, but there was a fifteen minute grace period given for harried parents and ridiculous traffic. But here it was after 6:30 again and Liam was the last one to be picked up. She always got stuck waiting with him. She didn't mind though, Liam was a sweet kid and his father was pretty easy on the eyes and was always super apologetic when he screeched to a halt, five, ten, fifteen minutes late.

"He'll be here," she assured. Often a sitter came by to pick the kid up, but when he was released to one of them it was well before now. So, her heart fluttered whenever 6:00 came and went and Liam was still there.

"Here he comes," Liam shouted.

"Step back from the curb. You don't want him to run you over," she yelled as Jay pulled up and hopped out as Mandy looked at her phone. "6:38." She said.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I got stuck at every light. I will make it up to you one day I swear." Jay said as Liam heaved his backpack into the truck. "You're the best," he told the twenty-two year old as he went over and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. Her face instantly went pink. She decided it had been well worth all of her effort to stick around.

"See you Monday Liam, Jay," she said waving.

"I think she likes you," Liam said as Jay looked over his shoulder for oncoming traffic.

"No she doesn't. Why would you say that?"

"Because she is always the one that waits with me. And her face turned bright red when you just kissed her."

"I just surprised her. How was your day?"

"Well, she really liked the surprise. My day was okay. Can we ride bikes in the Loop tomorrow?"

"I need to fix your bike first. Remember the chain keeps coming off?"

"Oh yeah."

When the weather was nice it wasn't uncommon for Jay to toss their bikes into the truck and drive to the nearly vacant downtown area to ride around on the weekends. With the offices empty, it was left to residents and tourists and a great place to teach traffic safety and enjoy the scenic urban landscape.

"I ordered a pizza for tonight, we'll pick it up on the way home."

"Did you catch any bad guys today?"

"Tons of them." Jay assured.

Later as they settled down to dinner Liam began to pick the pepperoni off of his pizza. "What are you doing?"

"I don't like pepperoni." Liam replied continuing his efforts of pepperoni removal.

"You did last week."

Liam just shrugged. Jay shook his head. Liam was picky and not a big eater, so if he was going become even choosier, it could become a problem.

As they polished off dinner Liam wandered towards the TV and crashed for the evening as Jay cleaned up and caught up on some bills. He looked over at his son, who was lost to the flickering screen that contained yellow minions and cartoon bad guys, who really weren't very bad or despicable.

The boy truly was a blend of both his parents. He shared their blue eyes, though Jay could no longer recall the exact color of Bridget's. Her hair was a flowing, thick strawberry blond and Liam's was simply blond, darker in the winter, lighter in the summer, but always held reddish highlights that shone proudly in the sun. Several neighborhood women had tried to have their hair dressers emulate it, one even taking a lock of Liam's hair to the salon, but none of them had quite nailed the elusive color.

He, of course had fair skin and a smattering of freckles that may or may not stay. He was calm and composed like his mother but also was sympathetic and tough like his father. He was small in stature but big in personality. He was a fantastic baseball player and loved to pitch. He also played the drums, something that was nearly impossible in close urban living, but a music store down the street where he took lessons allowed him to come in and play in their soundproof room when it was available. He was also being recruited for the Celtic Society of Chicago to play in parades. He was unplanned, unexpected and kept his father on his toes, but Jay did his best to keep up and raise the child he had been gifted.

"I see you Halstead," Dylan Baker yelled out.

"Dammit," Liam whispered as he tried to extricate himself from the bush without stepping on the flowers at his feet. But before he could get far Dylan had burst through the gate and grabbed him, tugging him forward where he fell onto the flower bed, flattening several of the bright petaled beauties.

"Look what you did," Dylan accused.

"You pulled me," Liam volleyed.

Dylan looked up at the window, stretching his neck to do so. "She didn't see. Come on guys," he said to Liam, Joey and Colin who were all standing in the tiny front yard.

"You sure Mrs. Harris didn't see?" Liam asked.

"Pretty sure. Even if she did, she probably won't say anything," Dylan said.

"You shouldn't have pulled on him," Joey accused. "We aren't supposed to be in there."

"It'll be fine. Not a big deal anyway," Dylan said as they headed down the street. "It's not like you broke her window or anything."

"I know, but she's really old and it takes her forever to plant them and take care of them. She's out there like every day." Liam said with concern.

They stopped by Joey's house so he could check in, and when he was detained for lunch, Liam decided to go check on the status of his bike with hopes that maybe a bike ride could still be a possibility. But when he got closer to his house he saw old Mrs. McGill talking to his dad who was working on the bike in front of their apartment. Apparently finished, she had turned and began walking his way back towards her house which was across from Mrs. Harris.

He had paused long enough to grab his father's attention who called out to him. He first acted like he hadn't heard and began to head back from where he had come when his father went an octave lower to the sir sound as he called it. "Liam James! I know you heard me. Come here please."

He shook his head as he plodded towards his father knowing that she had just reported his misdeed with the trespassing and flower squashing. She saw everything that happened on the street and knew about nearly everything in the entire neighborhood. And she had just busted him out.

"Anything you want to tell me?" Jay asked, wiping the grease from his hands onto a rag. Liam shook his head no. "No huh? You sure?"

"It was an accident Dad. I swear."

"What was an accident?"

"I was hiding from the guys and Dylan pulled on me and I fell on the flowers. It wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't your fault that you were in Mrs. Harris' yard? A place where you were told not to be. A yard that is not yours and you weren't invited to?" Liam licked his lips, preparing an argument that didn't exist, so he remained quiet. Jay put the rag in his back pocket and stepped over to his son. "Let's go."

"Go where?"

"To apologize to Mrs. Harris about what you did to her flowers."

"But—" Liam began.

"But what?" Jay asked, stopping to glare at his son. "She doesn't know you did it?"

"Yeah," Liam whispered.

Jay shook his head and grabbed his son's arm. "Let's go."

"But." Liam repeated.

Jay stopped and looked at his son. "But nothing. Move it!"

After knocking and waiting, a pleasant older woman, with a mop of gray hair and kind smile opened the door. "Detective Halstead, Liam so good to see you. Come in, please. I have some lemonade."

"No thank you," Jay replied. "Liam has something he needs to tell you."

"Oh, you do? What is it dear?" She asked gently.

"Um. Um." He stuttered. "I accidentally stepped on some of your flowers. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. I tripped."

"Oh my. Are you okay?"

"He's fine," Jay interjected. "He knows that he isn't supposed to be in your yard. I've told him more than once."

"The kids like to hide behind the bush and scare their friends." She moved towards the door and looked outside at the damage. "The poor things got a bit crushed. But I'm glad that you are okay." She said looking over at Liam.

"Thank you." He said quietly.

"I think that it's only fair that he comes back when it starts to get cold and helps you cut them back and clean up." Jay offered as Liam gaped at him.

"Oh, that would be so nice. It is getting so hard for me with my hips and knees to get down and take care of it all. But I do love the colors all summer long."

"Then it's a deal. I'll send him down when the cold moves in."

"Thank you so much," she beamed. "Sure you don't want some lemonade?"

"No thank you. We have to head home."

As they returned home Liam looked at his father, eyes full of fury. "I apologized, just like you said. You didn't mention anything about working."

"You did wrong, now you'll work off your misdeed."

"It was an accident. I told you Dylan pulled on me."

Jay stopped in his tracks and looked down at his son. "Are you or are you not allowed to be in her yard?"

"Not allowed," Liam admitted.

"Were you told not to be in her yard?" He asked sternly.

"Yes."

"Yes sir." Jay replied using his sir sound as Liam called it. It was the tone he used when he was lecturing or disciplining his son and Liam knew extra respect was called for. Usually Liam picked up on it, but when he didn't Jay reminded him.

"Yes sir," Liam parroted.

"Then you deserve what you got, because you knew you shouldn't have been there in the first place, Dylan or not. In fact, I don't think you should hang around with him. It seems like every time you are together problems arise."

"But he didn't get in trouble."

"Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. You are my responsibility. I'm sure Mrs. McGill told on him too, what his parents decide to do is up to them. What is it I try and teach you?" Jay asked as they arrived back at the apartment.

"The three R's. Respect, responsibility and doing what is right."

"Exactly. Now go to your room while I finish fixing your bike."

"Can we go on a ride if you get it fixed?" Liam asked with hope in his voice.

"Not today kiddo. You don't get in trouble and then get to go on a bike ride. Room. Now."

Liam hung his head but did as he was told. He sat on his bed and looked at the posters on his wall. Most were of athletes from local teams. But there was an Army Ranger poster too and he threw his foam stress ball at it as he sighed. It was true that Dylan and trouble often went hand in hand, but what his dad didn't know was that a couple of weeks before, Dylan had saved him from a bigger kid. Dylan was already eleven, he had repeated second grade and had gone through a growth spurt so this other kid, who was a sixth grader wasn't even a challenge for him.

The bully had shoved Liam into the bank of lockers. Liam despite his small size, was never one to back down, but his efforts were futile and when Dylan saw what was going on, he shoved the sixth grader across the hall and told him if he ever picked on Liam again, he would kill him. How could he abandon Dylan after that?

After a couple of hours in his room his father called him to the table for dinner. Jay was no chef, but he did try to cook when he could, even if his efforts were just the very basics of hamburgers, spaghetti and a baked chicken once in a while. Tonight, was hamburgers, macaroni and cheese with green beans. Per usual Liam picked at his food. He stabbed at and ate all of his green beans, but was making a big production of eating everything else.

"Can I be done?" He asked after taking only two bites of his hamburger and three spoonfuls of macaroni.

"I worked hard on this culinary masterpiece. Besides how are you going to grow up big and strong if you don't eat?"

"I'm not going to. Mom wasn't very big and you're not big and strong."

Jay's eyes grew wide. "I'm not big and strong?" He asked wiping his mouth with his napkin and setting it down on the table.

"Well, not like Kevin. He's taller and bigger. He can carry me with one arm."

"You mean like this," Jay said getting up and coming around the table picking up his son with one arm and shaking him up and down, eliciting giggles from the boy. "Still think I'm not strong?"

"You're strong, you're strong," the boy admitted as Jay set him down.

"Now, eat some more and maybe there will be a cookie in it for you."

"Can we get frozen yogurt at Menchie's?" He asked of a favorite local shop.

"That'll take a lot of eating." Jay said. "I don't know if you can do it."

Liam began to scoop food into his mouth at a record pace.

_Soundtrack:_

_Authority Song by John Mellencamp (when Liam gets into trouble)_


	3. No Sleep for the Weary

**No Sleep for the Weary**

Jay was on the fringes of sleep. It surrounded him, holding him, but only loosely. Then he felt a presence and the warmth of another body, and then small hands along with a small voice tentative at first, but gradually getting louder.

"Dad? Dad? Are you awake?" Liam asked as he climbed onto the couch where Jay had laid down to rest his eyes for just a minute.

Jay wanted to stay where he was in his celestial bliss where he had been content to float around with no cares or concerns. The last couple of nights had brought about massive overtime, which was great money-wise, but sucked because he was exhausted and Liam tended to act up when Jay wasn't home at night, especially overnight. He was generally an angel for his caregivers, but a nightmare when Jay came home as he was the target for his son's frustration concerning the recent absence and falling asleep during the short time together, didn't help.

"Hmmm?" Jay mumbled, not yet opening his eyes.

"I know what I want to be for Halloween," Liam said as Jay felt a paper come to rest on his arm.

"A cop?" Jay asked, his eyes still closed.

"I was that last year."

"A soldier?"

"I was that the year before. This year I want to be a firefighter."

That got Jay's eyes to pop open. "A firefighter?"

"Yeah. They're first responder's too. They have an important job."

"Yes, yes they do. You're right." Jay had had some business he had needed to discuss the previous weekend at Firehouse 51 so he took Liam with him and the gang had spoiled him rotten with a tour of the firehouse, a snack, allowing him to sit in the firetruck and pretend to drive as well as trying on some of the gear.

He had met many of the crew before at picnics and other gatherings, but he hadn't been to the house before and needless to say he had a great time as was evidenced by his choice of costumes.

"See, you get everything but the boots. Even the helmet. I'll look like a real firefighter."

"Yes you will. But can I order it tomorrow? I really need a break tonight." Jay asked, his voice scratchy with fatigue.

"Okay," Liam said setting the sheet on the table, surprising Jay with his calm acceptance of the delay. His eyes seemed to close again on their own and he drifted back into the abyss.

"Dad. Dad." Liam said as Jay felt the youngsters hands pushing on his chest. He turned his head and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. It couldn't have been that long ago that he had been roused from sleep concerning the costume. But Liam wasn't going to give up. "Dad. Wake up Dad, you're having a dream."

Jay forced his eyelids upwards and looked at his son who was slowly swimming into view. "No I wasn't."

"Yes you were. You were saying get down, get down. Then you even said, um—"

"Um what?" Jay asked as he pulled himself upright.

"Promise I won't get in trouble?"

"Promise," Jay said trying to blink back his exhaustion.

"You said 'get down goddammit.' You said it a bunch of times. And your eyelids were moving."

Jay tried to reach back to the self prescribed movie that had been playing in his head, trying to bring snatches of it back from the recesses of his mind. As he concentrated, he heard gunfire and the feeling of being pinned down. It was most likely the recurring nightmare from a long ago firefight, in which men had been lost and others gravely wounded. He had never been able to forget the smell of sulfur from the weapons, the sound of gunfire and hearing himself scream for everyone to get down. He feared that the battle was one of the many things that would stay with him forever.

"Sorry kiddo. Just a bad dream."

"About when you were in the war?" Liam asked, concern etched in his face.

"Nah, just a movie I saw. It was so lifelike."

"Dad, I'm not a little kid. I know you saw bad stuff in the war. You can tell me."

But Jay couldn't. There were very few that he had ever shared those memories with and his ten year old son wasn't going to be one of them. So instead he used distraction. "Where's the information for that costume you want?"

Liam's face lit up as he ran to the kitchen table and brought back the printout showing the desired costume. "This one." He pointed.

"Ahh. Yeah, that looks pretty authentic. Let's see what size you would be," Jay said as he checked the sizing chart. With that selection made, Jay grabbed the laptop and headed to the kitchen to set it on the table. "Come make sure this is right," he told his son as he pulled him into his lap. He knew these moments would be few and far between as his son was growing up fast. But Liam didn't resist as Jay lifted him up.

"That size might be too small," Liam countered after seeing the S for small.

"I don't think so. You don't want it to be too big. You're 62 pounds and this size will fit up 75 pounds. This will give you space for a sweatshirt underneath. Okay?"

"Okay," Liam sighed.

Jay typed in the information, pulled out his credit card, grateful for the recent overtime and ordered the costume.

"Thank you Daddy!" Liam said in a rare moment of youthful bliss. He hadn't called Jay, daddy in a year and he hadn't realized how much he had missed it. Jay pulled him in close for one last moment inhaling the sweet innocence of youth. "What time is it?" He asked suddenly.

"9:30." Liam replied pointing at the tiny clock on the computer.

"Whoa. You need to get ready for bed. Do you have any homework?"

"I did it already."

"All of it?" Jay asked skeptically.

Liam seemed to be weighing his answer. "Most of it?" The answer sounding like a question.

"What's left?" Jay asked standing up.

Liam yanked his backpack over to the couch and dug through it. "Spelling. But I'm good at spelling. I can get it done in the morning."

"We've tried that. You never get it done. You never even get it started. Let's see it," Jay said still trying to clear his head.

"I have to use the words in a sentence and write them five times each."

"Well let's get started. I can help you."

With that offer, Liam let go of his resistance and took his work to the kitchen table where Jay sat down next to him to help.


	4. Pumpkin Glow

_**A/N I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did. My favorite so far.**_

**Pumpkin Glow**

"Hey Nancy, it's Jay Halstead, if you get this message in the next few minutes give me a call. I was hoping you could watch Liam tonight. I know it's short notice but, just let me know. No big deal if you can't. Thanks." Jay finished hitting end in his phone screen.

"Plans tonight?" Ruzek asked.

"Not if I don't find a sitter. I can't believe I forgot."

"What'd you forget?"

"That I had a date with this gorgeous chef at that new place on Halstead of all places." Jay said, his eyes flickering with impending disappointment.

"Sounds like it was meant to be." Ruzek chuckled.

"Friday is her only night off and she had to beg for it. And now, I'm going to have to tell her I can't make it. I'm such an idiot."

"Will can't watch him?"

"Not unless Liam wants to scrub in for surgery. He's working tonight."

"Take the kid with you. Go to a movie or something," Adam offered.

"You're not serious are you?" Jay asked.

"Of course not. I've got nothing going on. I'll watch him."

"You have nothing going on—on a Friday night you have nothing planned?"

"Nope. Besides, I've wanted to check out that Jack's Pumpkin Glow and a single man walking through there is just creepy."

"Where's Jack's Pumpkin Glow?"

"Lisle."

"Where's Lisle?"

"Near Downer's Grove." Jay looked a little concerned. "I've got a drivers license, GPS and I'll make him wear his seatbelt."

"He has to sit in backseat. He just got out of the damn booster seat not that long ago."

"Yeah, no problem. Don't worry dude. I got this. Where is he anyway?"

"He should be dropped off any minute. Look, I don't want him to stay up too late."

"Okay."

"No junk food or candy."

"Got it."

"No horror or slasher flicks either."

"Got that too. Look bro, you need a night to yourself. Stay out as long as you need. Maybe you'll even get lucky. When is he getting here?"

As if on cue, Liam came charging up the stairs after being buzzed in. "I got a hundred on my spelling because you helped me," he declared, shoving his spelling test across Jay's desk.

"Team effort," Jay smiled as he looked at the brightly colored sticker next to the A+ on the paper.

Adam looked over at the paper. "Manageable? I still don't know how to spell that word."

"Well you can ask me. My spelling was manageable because my dad helped me. E," Liam spelled out.

"Well color me impressed."

"Hey there little dude," Kevin said as he swooped up Liam and swung him around causing great delight in the boy.

"L.J., an A+, nice job. Keep that up and you might find a treat at report card time," Voight said as he walked out of his office, using Liam's nickname. "Okay people. Go home!"

"Yay!" Liam exclaimed.

"Come here buddy," Jay said as he stood up and went to the front of his desk and leaned back against it. "I have something I have to do tonight, so Uncle Adam is going to take you on a field trip."

Liam looked indecisive for a minute looking back and forth between the two men. "Okay," he shrugged. "Where are we going?" He asked Adam.

"Jack's Pumpkin Glow."

"Where's that?"

"Near Downers Grove."

"Where's that?"

"I feel like I've had a similar conversation only a few minutes ago. It's in the western suburbs."

"What is it?" Liam questioned.

"Pumpkins, pumpkins everywhere."

"Okay." Liam said with little enthusiasm.

Liam was buckled up in the backseat after having had dinner at restaurant of his choosing. "My dad has a date doesn't he?"

"Yes he does," Adam answered as he looked in the rearview mirror. "It's okay if he has some fun once a while."

"I know. It's fine."

"He loves spending time with you, you know." He knew that the hours were always a source of contention with anyone in the unit and whatever family they had. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for a single father to handle it all.

"I know." Liam repeated as he stared out into the darkness rushing by his window.

"You okay kiddo?"

"Sure. I'm great," Liam answered trying to perk up. "Thanks for taking me to Jake's Pumpkin Patch."

"Jack's Pumpkin Glow."

"Oh. Yeah, thanks."

"How about some tunes? My playlist or yours?"

"Yours is fine."

"Okay. Hook me up then," Adam said as he handed his phone back to Liam who fiddled with the correct buttons and started off the road trip music.

Upon arrival Adam paid for their entrance and they looked ahead at an everlasting glow of orange with occasional swatches of purple. "Now this looks cool." He said looking down at his charge who looked equally impressed.

"Whoa. I don't know who Jack is, but he sure carved a lot of pumpkins," Liam stated, his eyes alight.

"I'll say. Let's go check it out. Come on."

The guys marveled at the paths of pumpkins ahead of them, carved into amazing displays. Liam quickly got into the spirit of things as he tugged Adam along pointing to presentations that included motorcycles and dinosaurs among other things. "Look, a skeleton playing the drums," Liam shouted.

"Wow. That's super cool. Go stand in front of it so I can take your picture." Liam smiled and hopped in front of it and smiled as Ruzek snapped the shot with his phone. "We'll send it to your dad." Adam texted that they were having a great time, no worries and attached the picture. But when he looked up, the truth of his words from only a moment ago had evaporated.

"Liam? Hey where did you go buddy?" He called out. The kid had been right next to him, but now all Adam could see was darkness ebbed by orange glow and a young couple who had walked by. "Hey, have you seen a boy, he's this tall," he said holding his hand up next to him, wearing a blue coat?" The couple shook their heads no. "Okay thanks."

"Liam," he yelled again as his heart began to accelerate. "Liam James Halstead!" Adam yelled. He's fine, he can't be far, Adam told himself. "I lost Jay's kid. He's going to kill me," he whispered. He debated whether he should stay right where he was or take off in a random direction. Should he run back to the entrance? Were there exits everywhere that he could leave through or worse, be taken through? Liam was a tough kid, smart. If someone had grabbed him he would have done something to get attention. Wouldn't he?

"Liam James!" Adam yelled again. "Answer me." He said spinning around. It had felt like an hour, but in reality it had probably been less than a minute. If he was going to have some kind of plan of action he needed it now. What kind of cop was he if he couldn't make a basic decision?

"Rowr!" Liam yelled as he popped out from behind a hay bale, his hands up, curved into claws.

Adam turned and grabbed him by the coat and pulled him close. "Don't you ever do that again!? Didn't you hear me calling you?" He looked down at Liam and saw his eyes open wide, uncertain.

"I just wanted to scare you." He said, his voice slightly quivering.

Adam sighed and got down on one knee and loosened his grip on the boys coat. "I get it—I do. Tis the season to scare. But I have to know where you are. It's dark, we're in a strange place. I called out for you and you didn't answer. I was terrified something happened to you."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. That someone took you."

"Like who?"

"I don't know, someone, anyone."

"A bad guy?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"I was okay."

"But I didn't know that."

Liam seemed to think about that for a moment. "Sorry," he whispered.

"You did scare me, but not how you intended."

"I didn't mean to, Uncle Adam."

"I know. But, now you stick with me like glue," he said grabbing the kids hand just as Jay texted back a thumbs up.

The trip ended a little more subdued than it began and Adam felt badly for his reaction, but the kid needed to know it wasn't okay to disappear like that. He was cop, and the mind of a cop went to the deepest, darkest places when things became uncertain. Liam had behaved perfectly after the incident staying close, listening, and even seemed to get a little more animated as they went along. But Adam knew he had rattled the youngster and the night hadn't gone exactly as he had hoped.

Not long after they left the field of pumpkins, Liam fell asleep and left Adam to his own devices and thought processes, as he drove back to the city. He figured he had better tell Jay what had happened. He hoped this ordeal hadn't put a crimp in the relationship between him and Liam and that Jay wouldn't hold it against him. He woke Liam up as he pulled to the curb and turned off the engine. "We're home," he said quietly.

"My house?" Liam asked rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Yep. Don't forget your backpack. Do you have your key?" Adam asked as they walked up to the door way. "Looks like you got a package," he pointed.

"My Halloween costume," he said scooping up the box that laid against the door. He then dug in his backpack and pulled the key ring from a clip in his backpack. "Here," he said as he handed it over and Adam worked the lock. "Adam."

"Yeah?"

"What does 'get lucky' mean?"

Adam's eyes shifted back and forth quickly. "It means you get lucky. You know at a game or something. Why do you ask?"

"I think it means sex." Liam replied as they walked into the living room.

"What? Why do you say that?"

"I heard you when I came up the steps at the district. Did my dad get lucky with my mom and that's why I'm here?"

"Oh crap," Adam said quietly. "You're dad is never going to let me watch you ever again."

"I heard Devin's brother say it too. He asked him if he got lucky when he came home on a date."

"What did Devin's brother say?"

"None of your business."

"Well, there you go—none of your business. Oh, hey I've got candy—chocolate," he said as he showed off a bag of bite size treats. "I had it in my truck, so I wouldn't forget to buy some for Halloween." He offered hoping it would distract Liam from their topic of conversation.

"So what does it mean?"

"It means if I tell you, I will never be able to babysit you again."

"So you're not going to tell me?"

"Nope. Chocolate?" Liam shrugged and took the proffered candy. "Okay kiddo, few pieces of candy and then get your pajamas on or whatever it is you wear to bed and do that nighttime stuff."

"We just got home." Liam complained.

"It's late."

"I napped on the way back."

"Five minutes," Adam said holding up his five fingers. "You can have five extra minutes."

"So are you and Kim going to get back together?"

"Damn kid, you're killing me with the questions."

"You guys should. I'm pretty sure she still likes you and I'm absolutely sure you like her."

"Absolutely huh?"

"Absolutely." Liam said as he sat down on the couch and dug out the remote and turned the TV on. He flipped around until he found a slasher flick.

Adam grabbed the remote. "No horror movies," he said changing the channel to a cartoon.

"Who said?"

"Your father."

"But it's only for five minutes."

"You watch the cartoon, you can stay up for a half hour." He offered. "And try on your costume so I can see it."

"Deal," Liam said munching on chocolate as he tore open the bag.

Over an hour later, the chocolate was nearly gone and the cartoon movie was over and Liam had modeled his firefighter attire. "What was that cartoon called?"

"Hotel Transylvania."

"That was pretty funny."

"Look, Hotel Transylvania part two is coming on."

"No more TV. Bedtime and I mean it this time. I need a drink," Adam said standing up, and stretching before he turned the TV off.

"Dad has some beer in the fridge."

As Ruzek went to the kitchen Liam grabbed the remote off the coffee table and turned the set back on and found another horror movie. "Michael Meyers," he said smiling as the blank faced serial psycho killer began to stab his way through the holiday.

Adam was heading back to the living room when the front door opened revealing Jay, who stood there to see his babysitter drinking a beer, his son, still awake on the couch with candy in his hand, chocolate on his face watching the movie; Halloween.

"What is happening here?"

"Hey Dad," Liam said casually.

"Yeah, hey," Adam said as he set the beer down on the coffee table. "You're back early."

"Early? It's after 11:30."

"Already huh?"

"It's late, he's eating candy and watching a horror movie." Jay pointed out.

"Yep." Adam nodded. "He sure is. Look, he's a master manipulator, I'm out of my league."

"I took a nap on the way home," Liam chimed in.

"Did you now?" Jay asked. "Well, movie time is over and so is snack time," he said as he picked up the remote and turned off the TV as the villain was chasing down his next victim. He then grabbed the bag of candy and looked at how empty it was. "What happened to not staying up late, no junk food," he said holding the bag out, "and no horror movies?"

Adam who looked like he got busted by his own father, just stayed mute and shrugged. "You," Jay said pointing to his offspring, "get ready for bed right now!" The boy shot off as if he had been sprung from a cannon.

"Look dude. I know it doesn't look good, but we were watching a cartoon. Hotel—Hotel something."

"Transylvania," Liam yelled from the bathroom.

"Yeah, Hotel Transylvania. I can tell you what happened in it as proof. And I tried to get him to go to bed, but he did fall asleep in the car and one piece of chocolate turned into more. And the beer, the beer, I just opened. I had turned the TV off when I went into the kitchen to get the beer. He must have turned it back on and changed the channel. I swear we had it on the Disney channel."

Jay looked over at his friend and coworker, his face straight and unforgiving. He then shook his head and smiled. "It's okay man. I'm just giving you a hard time to freak Liam out."

"Well you freaked me out."

"I knew he wouldn't be easy tonight. He doesn't like it when I don't give him a heads-up when I'm going out."

"Thanks man. I swear I tried."

"I know."

"How was your date? Did you get what you needed?" 

"What I needed?" Jay asked as his eyebrows went up.

"Well, did you have fun?" He asked avoiding the whole get lucky phrase. "Will you be seeing her again?"

"We plan to try and hook up again."

"Ahh, so you did get something out of the deal."

"Yeah. Dinner and companionship," Jay replied.

"Right, companionship."

Jay shook his head and sighed. He had had a nice time with Kara, but he had discovered that dating anyone outside of the first responder nation never ended well. But they were both willing to figure out another night that worked with their schedules.

"Oh, his costume came. He tried it on. It fit fine."

"Great. One less thing to worry about."

"Um, Jay."

"Yeah," Jay replied as leaned against the back of the couch.

"I wasn't going to tell you, then, I figured I should. Um, well—I lost him."

"Him who?"

"Him Liam. I mean I found him again. Obviously. But we were in the pumpkin thing and it's lots of winding pathways and I was texting you and when I looked up he was gone. It wasn't long, but I was totally freaked out and figuring out what to do when he jumped in front of me trying to scare me." Adam looked at a stone-faced Jay and continued. "I grabbed him by the coat, told him that he had scared because he had hidden from me and didn't answer when I called him. I mean I called him over and over and even used his middle name, but he wouldn't come out.

"I know none of this looks good and you'll probably never let me watch again because I'm a total failure, but I thought you should know."

Jay inhaled deeply and crossed his arms. "When he was around six or seven we were in this nocturnal habitat at the St. Louis Zoo. One minute we were both watching a bat eat some fruit and the next he was gone. Just like that—poof. I spun around, looked left and right and did it all again. There is no other terror in the world like the feeling that you get when your child disappears. I'm a trained professional and I froze, just stood there listening to my hammering heart. I walked around calling out his name, asking if anyone had seen him. It was probably a minute later that I found him hiding behind behind a pillar near another display. He thought watching my meltdown was hilarious."

"Wow," Adam replied.

"He didn't think it was so funny when I was done with him. It was the first time, the last time—hell, the only time I have spanked him. So, I'd say he got off lucky. But, thanks, I needed to know. Kids are constant motion, constant buzzing, annoying, unstoppable motion." He finished sounding defeated. "You did fine."

"He's a good kid. You're a lucky man."

"Yes he is. And yes I am."

"I can't believe he's ten already."

"I know. I had a hard time with this birthday. Double digits now. Too fast—he's growing up too fast."

"He only called me Uncle Adam a couple of times. The other times it was just Adam. And once he called me Ruzek."

Jay smiled and chuckled. "Thanks for watching him, especially on such short notice."

"So I'm not fired?"

"Not even close."

Adam smiled and nodded. "Thanks. It doesn't look like I'm going have kids any time soon, so I have to get my fix with my nephew and Liam."

"Happy to oblige," Jay said.

"Hey kid, goodnight. Thanks for hanging out with me," he yelled out.

Liam came charging out from the bathroom, toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. Jay looked over and cringed. "Don't run with the toothbrush in your mouth!"

"Sorry," Liam said as he pulled it out leaving a trail of toothpaste mixed with chocolate on his face. He then plunged face first into Ruzek giving him a big hug. "Thanks for watching me Uncle Adam."

Adam put his arms around him and smiled as he looked over at Jay. "You're welcome kiddo. I'm glad you had fun."

"And now you have chocolate and toothpaste all over your shirt," Jay said shaking his head. "But you probably deserve that much."

"It's nothing I haven't done to myself. Okay guys, I'll catch you later."

"Thanks again man." Jay said as Adam left the apartment. "And you. Get finished and into bed. I'll check on you in a few minutes."

As Liam disappeared back into the bathroom, Jay sat down on the couch and grabbed Adam's abandoned beer and took a long drink.

Ten minutes later Jay dragged his weary body into his sons room. Liam moved over so Jay could sit down on his bed. "Adam said you hid from him when you were at the pumpkin thing."

"Yeah, but just for a minute. I thought it would be funny."

"Was it funny?"

"I guess not."

"Do you remember what happened in St. Louis, at the zoo?"

Liam looked like he was making a tremendous effort to conjure up the memory. "The bat house?"

"Yeah, the bat house."

"Oh yeah."

"Did I think it was funny?"

"No you didn't."

"Don't hide from adults especially when they aren't expecting it and are calling your name. Got it?"

Liam nodded. "Got it."

"Okay, good. It better not happen again."

"Okay. It won't."

"And don't expect me to feel sorry for you if you have nightmares." Jay said as Liam wiggled his way further under the blankets.

"I won't. That movie stuff doesn't scare me. But if you have a nightmare you can sleep with me," Liam offered.

"I'll keep that in mind," Jay said quietly as he bent down and kissed his son on the head.

As Jay got ready for bed it was the conversation with Liam about nightmares that kept replaying in his head. As he sat on the side of his bed he stopped and thought about what his son had said. It then occurred to him that the many times he had woken up and found Liam next to him in bed, he had assumed that the boy had had a nightmare, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized it wasn't about Liam's dreams, but about Jay's nightmares. How could he have missed that. His son was coming to him not because of any of his nighttime fears, but because of Jay's own. He must have been calling out in his sleep, pulling Liam from his own. His son came to give comfort not to seek it.

As he laid down he remembered a case from a few years ago that ended with a ten year old boy in the trunk of a car. Jay had pulled him out, knew he was dead, but still had to try CPR. He had to try because this was a child who had had everything ripped away from him. He had to try because his parents didn't yet know it, but they had lost everything too. And he had to try because he could never look into the eyes of his son again if he didn't.

The effort didn't last long. The boy had been dead for hours and Jay lost another piece of himself that day. He had gone home late, relieved the babysitter and stood and watched Liam sleep. His head barely taking up any room on the pillow, his face a holding serene look that only sleep can bring. Jay was dead tired, but couldn't make himself move. So he took off his coat and shoes, laid down and slept on his son's floor. When he woke up hours later, Liam was curled up next to him, a blanket covering them both. All Jay could think of was who was taking care of whom?

_**Soundtrack: This is Halloween when the guys are in the pumpkin patch**_


	5. Happy Halloween

**Happy Halloween**

Hank pulled the buzzing phone from his pocket and looked at the incoming text. It was from Liam Halstead and it showed several Halloween related emojis, prayer hands and the words "pretty please Sarge." He knew exactly what the kid was asking. He looked over at Jay who was trading glances between the computer and the file in front of him. He remembered missing so much when Justin was growing up. Trick or treating, baseball games, soccer games, school plays and spelling bees, so much of everything.

"Halstead!" He barked.

"Yeah Sarge," Jay said his arms reaching upward in a stretch. "Get out of here. Take your kid trick or treating."

"Really? You're sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. But hey, tell him he owes me some candy. And I want a picture of him in his costume."

"Deal," Jay nodded as he shutdown his computer and put the file in his drawer. He knew Liam would be so excited to see him. He had already arranged for Ellie Samson to pick him up from school and take him home so he could get ready for the night. She was going to take him out if Jay hadn't gotten home by six. The hours in the city were fairly liberal, but they didn't want to be out too late.

He knew this was a gift from Voight. The entire team was invested in Liam, in one way or another and had watched him grow up. They knew the time was going by too fast and childhood joys would soon pass by the wayside and an excited trick or treating ten year old, would soon turn into a sulking, sullen teenager who looked at you as if you were only put on this earth to annoy him. These were the times to enjoy, to hold onto, to take part in.

Jay parked the truck just down the street from the apartment and walked through the door at 5:25. "Look who's here," Ellie said. She had taken early retirement from her state job at the age of fifty-five and found herself extremely bored. She had been divorced for ten years, both of her adult children had left the area, her attempt at writing a novel flopped as did her pottery endeavor. Other than volunteering at a local food pantry once or twice a week she had absolutely nothing going on. So when she struck up a conversation with her neighbor across the street and discovered he needed help filling a childcare gap, she jumped at it.

She was available nearly twenty-four seven, and the location couldn't be better. Liam was a sweet kid and needed the tenderness only a female could offer. She enjoyed being needed, making a difference in two lives and having a good relationship with a Chicago police detective was a great bonus. And he enjoyed the fact that she was more than fair in what she would take for her labor.

"Dad!" Liam yelled as he charged towards his father. "You're home. You don't even have to catch up to us." Which had been the plan if Jay had gotten home late.

"I sure don't." Jay said with a smile giving silent gratitude to his boss.

"Doesn't he look great," Ellie said.

"Absolutely, very authentic." Jay said taking in the faux turnout gear, complete with reflective tape.

"But I don't have any boots." Liam said looking down at this sneakers.

"You can't even tell. Plus you're going to do a lot of walking so sneakers are better."

"Can we go now? I had a snack already so I won't get hungry."

"Sure we can. Where's your bag?"

Liam scampered off as Ellie headed towards the door. "I'm so glad you made it home early. What a treat for both of you. Enjoy your time together."

"Thank you. I'll get you a check for the week on Friday."

"No hurry. You know that. Have fun Liam," she yelled as she departed.

"I'm ready!" Liam announced as he came out of his room with his canvas bag.

"Okay, but first I have to take a picture of you for Sergeant Voight—and you have to give him some candy, otherwise I have to go back to work." Jay stated as seriously as he could.

"No problem. Picture and candy." Liam agreed, nodding as he spoke.

Picture taken, and texted the two started walking the neighborhood. Most of the residents took part in the annual festival of sugar. They enjoyed seeing the kids or had kids of their own and left their spouses behind to take care of fellow trick or treater's, while they, too, sought out the sweet offerings. Up and down the streets, Jay hung back and watched his son smile, say the correct greeting and expressed his gratitude at each house. He wasn't sure how he had gotten so lucky. Liam was a good kid and Jay couldn't imagine his life without him. There were difficulties, struggles, but here he was, a single father, doing his best, lacking in so many areas, yet the smile and love of this child kept him going when he thought every last bit of goodness had been sucked out of the world.

"Whoa, kid. I think we're about done," Jay said over an hour later as he looked at his son's bulging bag.

"One more house? Please?"

"One more." Jay smiled. "But don't think you are going to eat all that candy." As Liam did his thing Jay sent a quick text. With no response, he thought perhaps stalling might help which gave him a second idea causing him to send another text.

"I guess we're done then," Liam sighed. "People liked my costume," he boasted, as he puffed his chest out.

"I bet they did." He said as his phone chirped. "One more stop. But we have to take the truck to get there."

"Okay. Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

Liam began to dig through his bag and unwrap various treats. "Hey, no eating candy until I check it," Jay warned.

"But, we know most of these people," the boy argued.

"Not well enough," he spoke of neighbors that they knew to varying degrees. "Besides it's getting late and you have school tomorrow."

"Where are we going?" Liam finally asked after they had been driving for a little while. "The district?" He asked as he recognized the area. The distance from apartment to work was less than five miles but often took more than twenty minutes or more due to traffic.

"Nope," Jay said as they drove past. "Close though."

Jay pulled to the corner when they reached their destination. "Awesome," Liam said as he jumped out of the truck and ran up the driveway to the firehouse.

"Well look who we have here," Kelly said. "It's firefighter Halstead."

"Hi Kelly, Matt," Liam greeted the firefighters of 51. It hadn't been long since they had been tailgating at Soldier Field, having a great time together before the city was sunken into a panicked abyss due to a flesh eating bacteria.

"Thanks for letting me know it was your shift night. I thought you'd get a kick out of his costume." Jay said.

"Definitely. In fact we need a picture," Chief Boden said coming down the driveway with his phone. You three get together," he said of his men and Liam. They all posed and then included Jay in the next one. "We'll get this one printed out for our bulletin board. I'll text them to you Jay."

"Thanks, that'd be great."

"Well a costume like that gets you extra candy," Matt said tossing a handful into his bag.

"Yeah, that's just what he needs. He can barely carry the bag now," Jay joked.

"Thanks for bringing him by," Kelly said shaking the detectives hand. "Bring him by on a Saturday shift and he can hang out.

"Can I Dad?" Liam asked, his eyes wide.

"Sure, we'll work it out." He said as his phone chimed. "Let's go. One more stop."

"Another surprise?" 

"Yep. Thanks guys," Jay said as they headed back to the truck.

As they neared the truck they passed an older woman who was walking away from the firehouse. They didn't pay much attention to her until a man came running past and grabbed her purse. Jay looked at his son. "Stay here," he yelled as he gave pursuit.

His morning running routine came in handy most days. His feet pounded the pavement as they inched closer to the purse snatcher. They were heading towards a green space and Jay launched himself, tackling the offender. They rolled around but Jay ended up on top and realized, in their rush to leave the apartment he was still wearing, his gun, badge and cuffs. He cuffed the perpetrator and called it in on his cell phone, requesting a car to come for a pick up. As he sat on the guy, he grabbed the purse and set it aside and looked over to see his son jogging up the block.

"I told you to stay there."

"But I didn't know when you'd come back. Besides, we wanted to see if you got her purse back," Liam said nodding towards the victim. "I told you he'd get it back." He said to the woman.

"Check and see if anything is missing. But I don't think he had a chance to even open it," Jay said as a patrol car pulled up.

"Thank you so much. My wallet, keys, phone, everything are in there. How can I thank you?"

"No thanks needed."

"He was just doing his job," Liam added.

"Well, you have my gratitude and appreciation."

"How far away do you live?" Jay asked.

"Just down at the end of the block. This is usually a quiet neighborhood."

"We can walk you the rest of the way," Jay offered as the uniformed officers loaded up the thief and took off after exchanging their cuffs so Jay could get his back.

"That's not necessary," she said, but it was evident that it was exactly what she wanted.

"Do you want some candy?" Liam asked holding a piece of chocolate in his hand. "Women like chocolate. But my dad hasn't checked it yet so you should wait until you get home."

"Aren't you the sweetest little guy," she said smiling. "I guess I wouldn't mind you handsome fellas walking me home along with that chocolate." She said as she took the proffered candy.

After the woman, who they found out was Edna Gardner, was safely tucked away in her apartment, the Halstead's began walking back to the truck. "I thought I told you to stay where you were," Jay began looking down at his son.

"But I didn't want to stay there. And Mrs. Gardner was worried about you."

"She was?"

"Yes, and I was too."

"But it could have been dangerous. That guy could have had a gun."

"Which is why we were worried about you. But I told her, you were really good at your job, and that you were always working which is why you still had your gun and handcuffs."

Jay sighed as he realized his son had noticed what he had forgotten and just how right he was. He always seemed to be on the job. It was the fate of most cops—they simply can't leave their knowledge, their heightened state of awareness behind at the end of the work day. "But, Liam, he could have been a threat, he could have started shooting and the last thing I needed to worry about is you and Mrs. Gardner in his sights. You should have gone back to the firehouse."

"Sorry. But I wanted to make sure you were okay. Because if you weren't, then maybe I could have helped you." 

"The best way that you can help me is by listening to me." He said as he unlocked the truck and took Liam's candy bag so that he could climb up. He went around and got in and handed the bag back. "Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

"You guess so?"

"I understand."

"Okay then. One last stop then we head home. And stay out of the candy," he said as Liam had started to rummage around.

"I'm getting hungry."

"We can go straight home."

"No. I want to go. Where are we going anyway?"

"Another surprise."

Several minutes later, Jay parked and he and Liam walked towards the door, the young firefighter adjusting his helmet. It took only a second before Liam saw who they had come to visit. "Uncle Will," he yelled and ran towards his uncle.

"Hey, look at you," he said embracing his nephew. "You look great and look at all that candy."

"Yeah, I cleaned up." Liam said as he smiled.

"You sure did. Hey Jay," he said greeting his brother.

"Is that my little Liam," a nurse named Sandy said.

"Hi," he said running over to her.

"What you got in there?" She asked.

"All kinds of stuff. Pick something out," he said offering up his candy. "My dad won't let me eat it all anyway."

While Liam and Sandy were going through his goodies Jay and Will stepped over by the wall and leaned against it. "Thanks for bringing him by. He looks great. Did you get off early?"

"Yeah, home before six. We've been begging for candy since then. Even though I told him not to eat any, he clearly has." Jay said as he looked over at Liam who was practically vibrating.

"Good luck getting him to bed tonight. Are we still on for Saturday? Museum of Science and Industry?"

"Yeah. He's all yours, if your still up for it."

"Of course I am. I love spending time with him. We have a very small family and I want to have a great relationship with both of you. I'll take him to the museum and then for lunch and if the weather is decent maybe to the lake. If not, we'll head back to my place. Just let me know when you want me to drop him back off or when you want to pick him up."

"I appreciate it."

"I know you need your time."

"There's just not enough of it. I'm at work and I think about what I'm missing out on at home. I'm with him and I think about what I could have done differently at work. When I'm on my own time, I think about both. Adulting sucks."

"It most certainly can. You do a great job and don't think otherwise."

"Ten years and I still find adventure in each day."

"I bet that you do." Will said with a smile. "Anything from Bridget?"

"No. I would have told you. It's like a nagging itch that I'm incapable of scratching. We were never going to get married, she wouldn't let me close enough for that, but we had something. Some kind of spark, something we might have been able to build on, but she just wouldn't let me in. Why did she leave? Why did she leave Liam behind? What secrets did she have and how many were there?"

"You'll probably never know. And worse, Liam will never know. But together you made a beautiful child, who you are lucky enough to raise."

"Here Uncle Will, Peanut M & M's, your favorite," Liam said handing off the small yellow package.

"Thank you. I'll eat them right after I take your picture."

"Okay," Liam agreed smiling for his picture.

After the first shot, Will handed his phone to Jay, "get the two of us." Jay complied and when Sandy came over she took a picture of all three of them.

"Are you still taking me to the museum?" Liam asked when they were done.

"You bet I am."

"Can we go on the sub too?" He asked, speaking of the German submarine that the museum held.

"Absolutely." Will had become a member of the Field Museum, the Science Museum, the Institute of Art, the Shedd Aquarium and the Adler Planetarium all so he could take his nephew there whenever they could find time to explore. And he felt it important to support the institutions that provided a learning a experience for anyone willing to visit.

"Okay, see you later," Liam said waving goodbye.

Will smiled as he waved and watched his brother and nephew head towards the door. Jay looked down at his son, saying something that made the boy laugh, then took the canvas, candy filled bag from him and lifted it over his head acting as if it was a struggle, which elicited even more laughter from Liam. There would be ups and downs, difficulties and struggles, but they would always land on their feet, Will could clearly see that from where he stood.


	6. It's Not A Big Deal

It's Not a Big Deal

Jay heard the pop, pop, pop and adrenaline immediately rushed into his veins. He jumped up from where he had been working on the laptop at the kitchen table and ran into his bedroom to grab his gun. He plugged in the code and ripped it from the box and ran out the door. He hit the street to hear the pop, pop, pop again. He wasn't quite sure what he was hearing as it didn't particularly sound like gunfire. He looked up the street to see another man exit his apartment building, looking confused and uncertain, and also holding a gun. Jay looked at him, his gun held high aimed at the man when another round of pops went off, causing them to look towards a narrow alley between the two buildings.

"Chicago PD," Jay yelled. "Put your gun down," he barked as he saw what the sound was and who was causing it. "It's just firecrackers. Kids and firecrackers."

"I, I just heard the noise. Thought someone was shooting."

"Are you police?" Jay asked.

"No. Just a guy. I drive a city bus."

"Then it would be better for you to call 911 than come out here with a gun." Jay explained putting his gun in the back of his waistband. "Go back inside. I've got this."

"All yours," he agreed turning and stepping back into his building.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He demanded as he swung is attention to Liam and Dylan, who were standing there next to the remnants of the noise makers just inside the alley. He slid his gun into his waistband and crossed his arms.

"Just shooting off firecrackers," Dylan said as if it was no big deal.

"Just shooting off firecrackers. Just shooting off firecrackers," Jay repeated. "Well did you see what happened when you just shot off firecrackers? Two people came out with guns and only one was trained to use it. Where did you get them?"

Dylan shrugged. "A kid around the corner. I paid for them. They were mine."

"Pick them up and let's go," Jay ordered.

"You're not my father," Dylan argued.

"I am right now. Let's go!"

Liam who had stood there mute, bent over and picked up what was left of their little festivities. He handed them over to Dylan. "We should go." He saw how angry his father was and didn't think that Dylan understood how volatile the situation could become if they argued with him.

Liam fell in step with his father, but Dylan wasn't keeping up. "Let's not play games," Jay said taking the boys' arm. He held it tightly enough to send a message but so tight that it would leave any marks.

"Leave me alone," Dylan said as he attempted to pull away.

"I will not leave alone. You are with my son, and that makes you my responsibility right now. And I am taking that responsibility very seriously."

"It was no big deal. It was just a few firecrackers. You are such a cop."

"Yes I am. A cop and a father. And right now you are pissing both of us off. Which one is yours?" Jay asked as he scanned the nearby doors. But Dylan refused to answer.

"That one," Liam pointed to faded red door that held several buttons for the tenants. "Number four."

Jay pushed the button and they heard an audible click indicating that the door had been released. It was the same system that most if not all of the multi-occupied buildings around here used. You needed a key or to be buzzed in to gain access to the building.

Once inside they walked down the hallway to the back apartment where the door was ajar and Jay followed Dylan inside, while Liam lingered in the hall. Jay still had a hold of the boys arm. "Are you going to let go of me?"

"Where are your parents?"

"Mom! It's just my mom. My dad moved out weeks ago. He lives in Canaryville now. Mom!" He yelled out again as Jay let go of him.

"What! What is the problem?" She asked as she came into view. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know we had company."

"Jay Halstead," Jay said offering his hand.

"Oh, Liam's father. I just love Liam. He's such a good influence on Dylan."

"Well, not today he wasn't. Look, I don't know whose idea it was, but Dylan admitted to buying firecrackers and the boys were lighting them off and caused some issues." He went on to explain the details including his uncooperative behavior. "Where's the lighter Dylan?"

"Liam has it." Dylan stated, his face pinched and angry.

She turned and looked at her sulking son, who had sat down on the couch. "I'm sorry. It's been a rough few months. His dad and I have recently split and it's been—well, it hasn't been an easy time. Dylan's been upset. I probably haven't been dealing with any of it very well. He misses his dad."

"I get it. I'm a single parent too. But I think it might be best if the boys don't hang out together for a little while."

She nodded. "I understand."

"I work long hours and I can't be worried about Liam getting into trouble with Dylan. I'm sorry, that didn't really come out right." Jay said, his face and voice reflecting exhaustion.

"No. I get it. He's been a handful for the last—well, the last year or so. It started when my husband and I had began having our problems. He's not handling our divorce well."

"Hey, we're not far, if you need anything. Do you have a pen?"

She ran to a small hallway table and grabbed a pen and pad and handed it to Jay, who wrote his cell phone number down. "I can't always answer. But if you need to talk or help," he said looking over at Dylan, "just leave a message and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

"Thank you so much. Sometimes a stern and deeper voice helps out so much."

"Sure. Well, time to use that voice on my son."

"Thank you Mr. Halstead."

"Jay is fine."

"Melissa," she replied.

With Dylan deposited, Jay turned his attention to his own son, who had faded into the hallway. "Let's go," he barked. Jay kept a quick pace, causing Liam to practically jog in order to keep up. "Do you have your key?" He asked as he had left in such a hurry the key had been left behind. Liam quietly pulled it from his pocket and handed it over. Jay unlocked the front door and handed it back as they entered their own apartment, where the door was still left wide open from when he had run through it.

As Jay turned to close it Liam attempted to slink off to his room. "Freeze," Jay yelled before even turning around. "Sit down," he barked pointing to the couch. He then went and put his gun into the lockbox before returning to the living room. He stood quietly near Liam, who hadn't seemed to notice his presence yet. It was Friday night, a few days after Halloween when his son seemed so young, and sweet in his costume. Jay had been working on the computer, researching for a case and got so caught up in it he hadn't even realized it was almost dark.

He tried to put things in perspective, but was struggling as memories washed over him in crashing waves. He took a deep breath, it caught, almost as if it prevented a sob, which it most likely did. He could see the top of his sons head, he took another breath, bent over as if that would help him and stood back up and walked into the living room area. He was on the edge and he knew it, he tried to breathe through it, but it wasn't working. God help them both.

"What the hell dude?" He demanded, all composure he had attempted to corral, gone.

"What?" Liam asked with a bite to his tone as if he was challenging his father. A move Jay did not appreciate or take lightly. He wasn't a demanding disciplinarian, but he would not tolerate disrespect. His patience was fleeting.

"Excuse me? I would check the attitude right now. Where's the lighter?" He asked, holding his hand out. Liam stood up, paused, a shadow of defiance flickered across his face. "Don't fuck with me kid," Jay yelled. "Are you looking to get spanked?" But he instantly regretted his words. "Sorry. I'm sorry. But don't you get it?"

"No I don't," Liam said standing up. All of his uncertainty and caution gone with his father's apology. "It was just a few firecrackers."

"It's dark outside, you live in the middle of a large city, they sound like gunshots. Didn't you see the guy come out of his building with a gun? Huh? Give me the lighter!" Jay demanded.

Liam patted his pockets, but was doing so too slowly and too deliberately for Jay's taste. He knew he was on the brink of exploding and he knew why he was there, but he was powerless to stop himself. He grabbed Liam and spun him around so his back was against Jay and dug into the boys jeans pockets and came up empty. He then let him go and pulled his jacket off of him and found the lighter in the right hand pocket. "Where'd you get it?"

"Dylan had it."

"I thought I told you to stay away from him after that incident in Mrs. Harris' yard."

"I thought it was a suggestion," Liam said in full pout, his arms crossed.

"You thought it was a suggestion?" Jay said, his eyes reflecting his frustration. He tried a few tricks that he had been taught by his counselor that had helped him to deal with his PTSD. He closed his eyes for a moment, counted, pushed his memory aside and focused on what was in front of him. But it was all easier said than done. He told himself Liam was a little boy who didn't understand what was going on in his father's head. Who didn't understand the ramifications of what could have happened.

"Well it wasn't a suggestion." He began. "You don't play with firecrackers ever! And you most definitely don't play with them without adult supervision. Nor do you play with lighters! And you most definitely do not ignore what I tell you."

"It's not a big deal!" Liam yelled back.

Jay shook his head. Liam had generally been obedient and passive when it came to being disciplined, but tonight he was a whole different kid. "It is a big deal," Jay said grabbing his son by the arms as he looked into his eyes. "Unforeseen consequences. What if that guy had come out and shot you or Dylan or some random person on the street? What if someone else had? What if he had panicked and I was forced to shoot him. Small things can become big things real fast. Don't you get that!?" Jay said shaking him.

Liam's eyes were huge and Jay saw the defiance all but gone, replaced by fear. He quickly let go of him. "I'm sorry. You just don't understand. You don't get everything that can happen. Just go to your room."

Liam chewed on his lip for a moment as he studied his father, before he turned and found solace in his bedroom.

Jay collapsed into the kitchen chair and exhaled. Not his finest moment, but he kept his cool to the point where he didn't lash out as much as he feared he would. He closed his eyes and sat until he found the energy to get up and grab a much needed beer.


	7. Curve Ball

Curve Ball

Will opened the door to reveal his brother standing there. "Hey man, come on in."

"Thanks." He said as he shucked his coat and looked around. "Where's Liam?"

"Down the hall. The neighbors have a little girl who's his age, and they just got a kitten. Apparently I am no competition for a tiny ball of fur."

"How was the day?" He asked as he smiled. Liam loved animals and had asked for various pets over the years. But Jay had always said no as their lifestyle was just too busy to include a dependent animal. He also couldn't afford to worry about pet policies if they should ever have to move.

"Great. We had good time. We spent several hours at the museum. He loved the submarine. We ate lunch. Did you know he wanted Chinese food so he could have tofu? What ten year old wants tofu?" He said shaking his head. "For dinner I suggested burgers and fries. He ate his fries, my fries and the pickles off his burger. Is he getting pickier?" Will said as he grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge.

"I don't know man. He picked all the pepperoni off of his pizza a couple of weeks ago."

"He's never eaten pepperoni," Will said setting a beer down on the coffee table indicating Jay to have a seat.

"Thanks man. He hasn't? I swear he liked it."

"Nope. I've never seen him eat it. Or hotdogs. I took him to that White Sox game with dad a few years ago and he didn't want a hotdog. What kid doesn't want a hotdog?"

"Yeah, that is odd." Jay agreed, taking a drink of his beer.

"Shit. I just figured out the common denominator." Will stated.

"To what?"

"His picky eating. He doesn't eat the meat. Or he just picks at it until it's unrecognizable."

Jay looked like he had been hit over the head with a baseball bat, the revelation all too clear. "Bridget was a vegetarian. I fed him chicken nuggets and fish sticks when he was with me and I guess he ate them." He said trying to remember back when Liam was little. "Or did he? He always ate whatever side dishes I served. Dammit, I'm a worse father than I thought."

"What? You're a great father." Will encouraged.

"My kid doesn't eat meat and I don't realize it for five years. Yeah, I'm right on top of it."

"He eats it, just very little of it. I can't believe he hasn't said anything about it."

"Speaking of talking, did he say anything about last night?" Jay asked.

Will took a swig of beer and looked over at Jay. "He said you busted him setting off firecrackers and didn't take it too well."

"That's all?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I lost control Will. I put my hands on him."

"Whoa, did you hit him?"

"No! Did he say I did?" Jay asked, his eyes wide.

"No. All he told me is that you were really mad at him and he didn't understand why."

Jay went on to recount the details to his brother. "So many things could have gone wrong."

"For sure. But they didn't. I think that maybe it reminded you of something from the past. You know PTSD is common for soldiers, for cops too. You can't ignore it. You can't pretend the memories aren't there. You deal with a lot and are a responsible for a child at the same time. Sometimes it all doesn't mesh."

"Like when and what? When has my job and parenting clashed, other than the long hours?" Jay asked setting his beer down on the table with a thud.

"Like that time a couple of years ago when he couldn't wake you up," Will reminded as he recalled the frantic phone call.

_Two years ago~_

"Uncle Will, I can't wake my dad up. His alarm was ringing and he didn't turn it off so I came in to his room and have been shaking him and he still won't wake up." Liam had yelled, his voice shaky and panicky.

"Okay, take a breath and then put the phone on speaker okay?" Liam did as requested and Will could hear the phone being set down. "Can you still hear me?"

"Yes. I put the phone down and shook him again but he won't wake up."

"Okay, is he face up or face down?"

"He's on his stomach. There's no blood anywhere, he's still wearing his clothes. But he doesn't have his gun or badge on."

"Put your hand by his mouth and tell me if you feel him breathing."

"He is, it feels warm."

"Okay. Go into the kitchen and get a small cup and fill it with cold water and then come back to the phone." Liam scurried off and came back a moment later.

"I'm back," he announced.

"Is it cold?"

"Yes. I put an ice cube in it. That's why it took me a minute. I need a chair, I can't reach the freezer."

"Okay. I want you to pour the water on the back of his neck. But Liam, as soon as you do I want you to step back because he might jump up in a hurry."

"Okay."

And Liam did both as Jay flew upwards, looking for whatever had taken his slumber from him.

_Present time~_

"I was working a case. A CI, I was undercover." Jay said after Will had reminded him of the turmoil from that morning.

"Yes. And your eight year old son thought you were dead. You were passed out, probably drove drunk and left him wondering if he was an orphan. Jay, you're always working a case. You have to think about Liam in your big picture."

"I do. He had a sitter until I came home. And for your information, I wasn't drunk. Just tired. I had to be at work every morning and work the Informant late at night. I was exhausted. And you're not helping me think that I'm a decent father." But Jay was questioning himself. He knew he had rationalized and justified too many poor decisions during that time. He had allowed himself to lose control when he had been undercover as Ryan and enjoyed way too many nights with Camila, pretending that he was a single and unencumbered man with no responsibilities.

"You are a decent father. You're a great father. You have a lot on your plate and you are making it work. How did you put your hands on him last night?"

"I grabbed his arms and shook him. Not much, but some. I just wanted him to understand the danger. He just wouldn't understand."

"Probably because he couldn't Jay. Look PTSD isn't something to be ashamed of. You went to war for this country. Liam knows that and is very proud of you. What was it that had you so freaked out? You hear gunshots all of the time. It had to be something big to trigger you enough to grab Liam."

Jay took a long drink and looked back at the door as if Liam was about to walk through it. He turned on the couch so he was looking at his brother as he held on tightly to the beer bottle. "We had been heavily patrolling this neighborhood. Been there for days and days," Jay said, his face was somewhere between anxious and serene. I had watched these kids play soccer, kicking the ball around, smiles on their faces. How they could see anything positive in the destruction all around them, I'll never know. Hell, I had even kicked the ball around with them a few times.

"There had been two boys that seemed to become attached to me. They were brothers, around Liam's age nine or ten. And one day, their ball had gone flat. Their uncle tried to get them a new one, but he came back with firecrackers instead. I had heard of their punctured ball and went in search to find them something to use. I figured if anyone had one, I could buy it—good old American cash. I was heading back up the street, successful with a blue and white ball, knowing how excited they would be. I was probably twenty yards away when the firecrackers went off. I remember the boys pointing at them fascinated and then—then their heads exploded. They dropped like rocks in a pool of blood."

"Jesus, Jay. Do you know who did it?"

Jay shrugged. "Have no idea. I just stood there holding that damn soccer ball. Nobody in our unit owned up to it. We had cleared the area, but fear was rampant and it's possible that someone was scared that the noise would alert insurgents or they just reacted to what they believed to be a threat. Either way, they were dead. Just two innocent little kids, and they were gone, just like that. I had gotten the letter with the sonogram picture just days before. Found out that I was going to be a father.

"So when I saw Liam with the firecrackers, I just—I just couldn't handle it. Then I couldn't handle that he couldn't understand. Will, there was still a guy with a gun. I still have a right to be concerned and pissed off."

"Yes you do. The situation could have gotten out of hand. But, there was a better way to get through to him."

"I know," Jay said as he set his beer down. "I blew it."

"You didn't blow it. You just have to adjust your methods. All parents blow it. Hell if we had a dollar for each time Dad blew it, neither one of us would have to work."

"Amen brother," Jay said picking his beer back up and clinking it with Will's.

"Hey did that baseball coach get a hold of you?" Will asked, changing gears.

"Liam's baseball coach?" Jay asked.

"Yeah. He left a voicemail with me since he'd been unable to get in touch with you. Apparently, you hadn't returned his messages."

"Yeah, I put you on the form as an emergency contact. No, I haven't returned his multiple messages. But he did show up at the district."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. And naturally I was there." Jay said thinking back.

"I noticed Liam didn't play fall baseball this year." Will said.

"He would have been on this guys team. Coach Habner. It wasn't happening. Besides I wanted him to try soccer. He needs to expand his horizons."

"How come?"

"Because it's good for him to have multiple options and I think he had Liam pitch too often. Plus the secret."

"What secret?" Will asked as his eyes widened. "You're like a ninja kiddo. How was the kitten?" He asked as he saw Liam suddenly appear.

"Fine. Little, hairy, and full of teeth and claws." Liam replied.

"Hi buddy," Jay greeted as Liam walked over. He pulled him into his lap and could feel his sons resistance. "Ready to go?"

"I guess."

"Tell Uncle Will thank you for the day." Jay reminded as he let him go.

"Thanks Uncle Will. I had a great time," he said giving him a hug.

"Anytime kid. We'll try for another fun day next month. Sound good?"

"Definitely." He answered as he heard a shriek in the hallway. He ran to the door with Jay pushing him aside to get there first. "It's just Dara. She's the girl with the kitten," Liam explained, peeking around the door.

"Help me Liam, Twinkie got out." She yelled as an orange fluff ball went running by and continued down the hallway.

Liam looked back at Jay who nodded his consent. Jay and Will stood in the doorway watching the kid's attempt to corral the kitten.

"Look. I know you haven't had an easy time. You had a rough time when you got back home. You spent a lot of time drinking, partying among other things."

"I know. I didn't even go see my son for six months. I was back in Chicago for six months before I was ready."

"But then you were ready and look at you now. You're a successful CPD detective, in an elite task force, a single father of a fantastic son."

"Yeah, he gets the credit for that."

"I know you had a tough time after Dad died. Sometimes your reactions come from the right place but aren't always the best decisions. Getting shot, diving deep undercover, drinking when you should be home."

"Wow, tear me down why don't you? Look, I know I'm far from perfect, but that kid is my anchor."

"Liam isn't an anchor, he's your son. And if you need help, for you, for him, then there is no shame in asking for it. I have faith in you, but more importantly, he has faith in you," Will said nodding at Liam who had managed to scoop up the wayward feline near the elevator.

The ride home was quiet. Jay decided to let the silence sit. Once inside Jay stopped Liam from going to his room. "Hey, can we talk for a minute?" Liam sat down at the kitchen table and began to fiddle with the strings of his hoodie. "I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to grab you. I didn't handle it well."

"Okay," Liam whispered as he continued to focus on his strings.

"Will said you had tofu for lunch. Do you like that stuff?" Liam shrugged. "The other night when I made that lasagna and you basically performed surgery on it. What were you doing?"

"Scraping the meat out of it. You didn't really make it, you just put in the oven." Liam clarified.

"True. You wouldn't have wanted it if I had tried to make it. I just thought you were picky, but all of this time you've been hiding the fact that you haven't been eating the meat?"

"I guess. Mom was a vegetarian and it's like having a piece of her with me if I do the same thing. It's stupid."

"No it isn't. You don't like hamburgers and chicken?"

"Chicken tastes like rubber and hamburgers are greasy. And chicken comes from chicken and hamburgers from a cow." Jay raised his eyebrows. "Mom read me a book about how animals are our friends not our food. I guess it stuck with me."

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have bought different options at the store."

"You already have," Liam said getting up and walking over to the refrigerator and opened the freezer and jumped up and grabbed a bag of nuggets. "They aren't chicken. See there's an apostrophe in the middle of the word. It's made of vegetables. I make sure to pick them out and you didn't even notice, not even after you ate them."

"Wow. Okay." Jay said as he realized just how much he had missed. "Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't want to eat meat?"

"I don't know. Because I thought you might think it was stupid." 

"No I wouldn't."

"I figured you'd notice at some point. But until then it was my secret, mine and mom's."

"Okay then. Well, next trip to the store, we'll find things together okay?"

"Okay." Liam said grabbing the bag of nuggets and putting them back in the freezer. He turned to go to his room.

"Hang on buddy," Jay said again causing Liam's shoulders to sag. "I'm not done yet."

"Why did my coach go to your work?" Liam interjected.

"You heard that huh?"

"Yeah."

"Is it because I didn't play fall baseball?"

"Yes it was."

"Why couldn't I play?"

"I told you why. Don't you remember?"

"Because of the secret?"

"Yes." Jay answered thinking back to when Gary Habner showed up a week ago at the district. Sargent Platt had told him a gentleman was waiting to see him.

_Two weeks earlier~_

"Hey, Mr.—Officer—"

"Detective," Jay filled in. "Look I'm busy, what can I do for you?" 

"Detective. Way cooler job than me. Not much of a thrill in accounting. Yeah, I tried calling you. Left several messages but you hadn't gotten back to me."

"Yet, here you are," Jay said, wearing his stoic police face.

"I wished you had let Liam play fall baseball. He would have gotten some valuable experience. He was amazing last year as a nine year old and in the spring he'd still be in the ten and under league. He really would have benefited from a few more months of practice and games.

"He's got talent and a love for the game. He could really succeed and even exceed."

"Well, the season is almost over now. Is there anything else I can do for you?" Jay asked.

"I guess I was just wondering why you wouldn't let him play."

"And if I was going to let him play next spring?"

"That too."

"Look, I work a lot of hours—" Jay began.

"I would have had no problem helping out. Picking him up, dropping him off. Besides I know that he played soccer instead."

"He did. My neighbor coached. He took responsibility for Liam. I wanted him to try another sport." Jay said hoping that Liam wouldn't be so focused on baseball.

"My problem with baseball is that you used him too much. You knew you always had a chance to win with him on the mound. You used him as a starter and at times a reliever. His wrist and elbow would be sore and you'd put him right back out there. He was nine years old. If anyone is going to live vicariously through my son it's going to be me. Besides you asked him to keep a secret and that is so far over the line," Jay said getting in the coaches face.

"It wasn't anything bad. I swear. Did he tell you what it was?"

"No, he refused." Jay thought privately just how much the boy was like his mother, keeping things close and quiet. "I saw you talking to him privately after one game and asked him what you had discussed and all he told me was that you said it was secret between the two of you. I told him if he didn't tell me there would be no baseball in September. But he still kept quiet. Now how is that supposed to make a father feel?

"He kept his secret and I kept my promise. I can't say I was too upset about withholding the season from him."

"It wasn't anything bad. I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have told him to keep a secret from you." Jay just raised his eyebrows as he crossed his arms. "Curveballs. I had shown him how to throw a curveball. He mastered it in no time. But he told me you saw him practicing it and told him he wasn't allowed to throw them."

"I did see him and I told him he was too young. Way too young. It was too much stress on his elbow. He didn't have the musculature yet."

"But he did have great mechanics. That's the trick, mechanics. He already had a great fastball and change-up, I just thought if he could sprinkle in an occasional curveball, he'd be—well nobody would be able to figure him out. That game, the one you saw, he had pitched well."

"But not well enough," Jay offered.

"He was frustrated. So, since you didn't make it to many games I told that maybe he could throw a few curveballs, but only when I told him. Then I noticed you were waiting for him, so I told him to keep it a secret. That's it, I swear."

Jay shook his head. "I'll think about the spring season. But even if I do let him play, I may request a different coach."

"But we're in a neighborhood league. The kids all live close by."

"I have to get back to work," Jay said as he turned and walked up the stairs and back to to the office.

Jay was snapped back to the present as Liam began to speak. "You have secrets."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"The firecrackers. I mean, I get it. It was stupid and I'm not supposed to play with lighters, but there was something else going on. Something that you won't tell me. A secret. Why can you have secrets and I can't?"

"What makes you think I have secrets?"

"It's in your eyes. Mom always said eyes will tell you everything you need to know. You're eyes were like they are when you wake up from a nightmare." Jay wasn't sure what to say. He knew that his eyes probably looked wild and unfocused when he woke up from the midst of difficult dream. "So, why do you get to have secrets and I don't?"

"Because you're a kid and you're not allowed to have secrets."

"And I'm not supposed to lie either right?"

"Of course."

"But you can lie."

"What are you talking about?" Jay asked again, uncertain how this conversation had started or where it was going.

"You've lied to me."

"About what?" Jay asked, his mind spinning. His guilt taking him back to his time with Camilla and nights out, the drinking, the lying to everyone. The promises to Voight, to himself, to Liam that he would do better.

"You got shot. A couple of years ago, you told me that you had fallen down the stairs tackling someone, but it was a lie. That bruise on your chest came from a bullet. You had your vest on and that's the only reason you aren't dead."

"What are you even talking about?"

"See, you're still lying," Liam accused, standing his ground. "It was on the news. The arsonist from the fire in grandpa's building. The guy is killed and you have a big bruise. I'm not stupid Dad."

"No you're not," Jay said, realizing just how smart his son was.

"But you are a liar and have secrets."

"Not everything is for you to know. Some things are for adults to keep to themselves."

"So it's okay for you to do whatever you want?"

"I didn't say that."

"There's two sets of rules right? One for you and a different one for me."

"Yes, fair or not there is."

"Then it's okay for you to be a hypocrite. Because that's exactly what you are—a fucking hypocrite."

"Oh hell no," Jay said standing up, towering over his son. "That is not okay. You do not speak to me or any other adult like that. I want you in your room right now."

"Fine," Liam huffed. "You don't have to come in to tell me goodnight." Jay closed his eyes as Liam disappeared towards his room. "Curveball," he said as he reappeared in the kitchen a second later. "The secret was that coach wanted me to throw curveballs when you weren't at the games."

Jay sat back down at the table and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. This was supposed to be a nice calm talk about the incident from last night. He did want to apologize for his reaction but also hammer home Liam's inappropriate behavior and how dangerous it had been. Instead his son had totally hijacked the entire conversation, called him out as a liar and totally disrespected him in the process using a word he had always been careful not to say around the kid, until last night that was. He was ten years old, but somehow he had just owned a seasoned detective.

Despite Liam's declaration that Jay need not check on him that night, he did anyway. He peeked in just after ten o'clock to find his son asleep, half under the covers. His bedside lamp on, a book sliding off the bed. He picked the book up and looked at it, the emotions threatening to take hold. It was the well read, well worn copy of Charlotte's Web. It had been Bridget's favorite and she often read it to Liam. On the inside cover she had written: _"To my son, the best friend a pig or spider could ever have."_ No wonder the kid didn't eat meat. Jay had also read the book to Liam before the boy declared he could read it himself. As he looked through the pages, he saw traces of her all around. Asterisks, smiley faces and hearts dotted the margins. Passages were underlined and highlighted, the book held Bridget on every page, it held their relationship in-between its pages. He traced the doodles with his finger and thought about a lifetime of what-if's. The story was of deep friendships, life, death, sacrifices and starting over. He took the book and put in on the nightstand, pulled the blankets up, causing Liam to stir a bit, but not wake up. He then put his head down next Liam's and just breathed in his son's essence. He kissed him on the forehead and turned off the light hoping for a better day tomorrow.

_Soundtrack: Sounds of Someday by Radio Company_


	8. Secrets and Lies Part I

Secrets and Lies part I

The next morning Jay woke up to the sounds of the TV chattering on about a bear cub stuck up in a tree in rural Vermont. He pulled on a t-shirt and pants and walked out to the living room to see Liam eating cereal in front of the TV. He rubbed his eyes and walked over, found the remote and prepared for battle as he turned the television off.

"Hey," Liam groaned as the screen turned black.

"You need to eat at the table."

"I'm not spilling. I'm being careful."

"Yeah, you're careful alright. Which is why I spent twenty minutes scraping gum off the couch a couple of days ago."

"Oh, that's where that went."

"Yeah, that's where it went so get your bowl and go to the kitchen. I'm not going to tell you again."

"Fine," Liam complained, picking up his bowl and sloshing milk over the side as he did so.

Jay took a deep breath and shook his head. He stepped over and took the bowl from his son and carried it to the table. "Go get a rag from the linen closet and mop it up," he ordered.

Liam stood momentarily, deciding whether he was going take the easy road or the hard road. But a look from Jay sent him towards the narrow closet by the bathroom where he grabbed an old washcloth and went back to the small puddle of milk he had left behind.

"Throw it in the washing machine when you're done cleaning up," Jay instructed as he poured himself a bowl of cereal and set it down across from Liam's.

One of the things that had attracted him to this apartment, aside from it having two bedrooms in a decent neighborhood and was as affordable as he could find, was the fact that it had come with a stackable washer and dryer in a small closet next to the bathroom.

Liam sat down and the two ate in silence for a few minutes before Jay spoke. "Did you throw the curveballs when he asked you to?" Liam chewed slowly and swallowed thinking about his answer. "Just tell me the truth."

"I did. Sometimes. Not all the time though."

"Did he ask you to throw them a lot?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know. But it was hard to throw them and hard not to."

"What does that mean?"

"I usually threw them for a strike and the batter either swung and missed or didn't even move and they were in the strike zone so they got called out, because I was only supposed to throw them with two strikes."

"So that made it easy or hard?"

"Easy."

"Then when was it hard?"

"Every time."

"I'm confused," Jay said sitting back in his chair.

"Because every time I threw one, I knew you wouldn't like it. I felt like I was lying to you."

"Well you kind of were. I don't want you throwing them. Not anytime soon. Am I clear?"

"But they worked Dad. I probably won more games because of them. And coach said my mechanics are good enough that I can do it."

"I'm going to say this again. I don't want you throwing curveballs. End of discussion. Your coach is your coach but I am your father and that trumps what he wants. Now, am I clear?"

Liam finished his cereal and pushed his bowl away but didn't answer. "Did you finish checking my Halloween candy? Can I have it?"

"You didn't answer me."

"Well, you didn't answer me," Liam argued.

Jay was afraid he was getting a glimpse into the upcoming teen years and he wasn't caring for it at all. "We are going to have a long talk before you get signed up for spring baseball. I withheld the fall season from you and I won't hesitate to do again if I have to."

"You're not the boss of me," Liam stated glaring at Jay.

"Excuse me? I am very much the boss of you. In fact I am the ultimate boss of you. Now go and get dressed. You're going to help me clean up the apartment and then we're going to see if Mrs. Harris is ready for you to clean up her yard."

"I want my candy," Liam said, unwilling to let Jay have the last word.

"I will give you a little at a time."

"But it's mine."

"Please don't push me Liam. I don't have the patience or desire to argue anymore with you. Now, your day can end a good note or a bad one, you get to decide. So give me a hard time and it will be a long day for both of us or just do what I ask you and we can salvage it and have a great afternoon and evening—your choice."

Liam turned and went to his room. Jay was braced for the door to slam, but the boy didn't even bother to close it. A few minutes later he came out dressed, but didn't look all that excited for what was to come. Jay had finished his cereal and filled the sink with soapy water, watching it overcome the dishes sitting inside it. He quickly washed them and set them in the rack to dry.

"Here's a rag and cleaner. Wipe down the counters and the fridge, while I tackle the bathroom. Oh and use this," he said setting down a bottle of scrubbing bubble stuff and a sponge, "and scrub the sink."

"This sucks!" Liam complained.

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I'm not having any fun either."

"If I had a mom, she would probably be doing this."

"Perhaps. Or maybe you'd be helping just like you are now. Now you can clean the bathroom instead if you want."

"No. I'm good," Liam quickly answered as he began to squeeze cleaner into the sink.

Jay put a lot of elbow grease into scrubbing the tub. He knew it was his anger and frustration coming through. He had given himself a silent pat on the back at not having a meltdown while his son was busy having his own. A part of him—a big part actually, was ready to flip the defiant little monster over his knee and remind him who was running the show. But he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to set himself straight. He sincerely hoped that Liam righted his ship or as Jay's dad had always told him when he was a child, "straighten up and fly right." Or Jay's personal favorite, "you're cruisin' for a bruisin." Jay cruised and Pat bruised. That wasn't really fair. But Jay felt that Pat disciplined first and listened never. He didn't want to be that father, he wanted to do better.

An hour later the apartment was in good shape and Liam collapsed on the couch. "Can I have some candy now?"

"No. Maybe after lunch."

"So now what?"

"Now we go knock on Mrs. Harris' door and see if she is ready for you to do yard work."

"She might not be home," Liam offered. But he knew there was little hope of that. She was almost always home. Truthfully, he liked Mrs. Harris. She gave him homemade cookies, listened to whatever he had to say and bought him little Lego kits. She had one son who lived downtown by the river. He was still single and seemed to have no prospects for a relationship. So Liam was sort of a surrogate grandchild. She even came to some of his ball games and cheered him on. If they lost, she would buy him a snow cone and if they won, she'd buy him a snow cone. He knew he could count her no matter how his game went.

They walked down and across the street and Liam surveyed the yard while Jay knocked on the door. It took her a minute but she finally answered. "Oh, it's the Halstead's. My favorite fellas she gushed."

"Hi Mrs. Harris. Is today a good day for Liam to take care of the yard work that we promised?"

"Oh, you two are the best. I didn't think you'd come back and do it."

"Now, Mrs. Harris, you know me better than that." Jay said smiling.

"Yes. You're right. You are a good man Jay Halstead. And you are teaching Liam to be a good man as well. Yes, today is a great day to clean up these dead flowers. The tools are in the storage under the stairs. Let me get the key for it," she said disappearing. Neither Jay or Liam knew how old she was, but she was probably in her late seventies and had struggled a bit since breaking her hip last year. "Clippers, shovel and basket to throw the plants into. Then you can put them in the compost pile back in the corner. You can stack the planters and pots back in the storage area. Oh, and leave the dirt in them, I can use it next year."

"Okay," Jay called out as he unlocked the door that secured the storage under the stairs and began to find the needed items.

"Psst, Liam. Come here." She said waving Liam up the stairs. "I have some extra Halloween candy if you want some. I think a job well done is deserving of chocolate."

"Definitely," Liam said as his head bobbed up and down. "My dad won't let me have much of my candy."

"Well, we won't tell him then," she said with a conspiratorial smile.

"Deal," Liam whispered.

"Come here," Jay said looking up at his son. Liam trampled down the stairs and took the tools his father passed to him. "Now trim back all the dead flowers and put them in the basket and dump them over there."

"And can you dig up the flowers over there by the edge of the fence? They come back every year, but don't produce many flowers anymore." Mrs. Harris yelled down.

"Sure he can," Jay said as he looked at Liam.

"Yeah, I will."

"You're such a dear. I'll have a snack for you when you get done," she said as she winked.

"Not sure what that was about, but okay. Come home when you're done. And put everything away like you're supposed to. And make sure you lock this door and take the key back." Jay explained.

"I will." He said, not looking too thrilled with his chore list.

"When you're done maybe we can ride our bikes on the 606." He said speaking of the nearby trail used by walkers and bikers alike.

"Okay," Liam agreed as he got to work.

Jay went home crashed on the couch as he texted the chef that he had been with a few weeks ago. He wasn't sure if he had the energy or desire to pursue much of anything in the romantic realm. And of course he always had to think about how anything and everything he did affected his son. His love life had been unsettled since he and Erin had broken it off years ago. Hell, it had been unsettled since he had been with Bridget over ten years ago. He knew that the ordeal with Camila a couple of years ago had left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had cared for her despite the lies, obfuscation and ultimate betrayal. She was a dealer, he was a cop. She was simply a job, but despite his best efforts it grew to more than that. Working with her brother, Luis, caused the memories of his deployment to come rushing at him faster than he could deal with as did the behavior that came with it. He had felt so broken when the whole thing began and even more broken after it all was all done. He had hurt her and that had been the last thing he had wanted to do. She believed none of it was real, he was afraid too much of it had been real.

The therapy that he denied needing but Voight had demanded and Hailey pointed out was a necessity, had helped him tremendously. He came to realize that he was human and it was okay to make mistakes, some were worse than others, but his past was affecting his future and he needed to be in control and help guide it better. Life was always throwing him curveballs, although different than the ones Liam wanted to throw. Last week he had sniper duty and had shot three men that were holding many others hostage. Three head shots, three deaths. Then he went home and made macaroni and cheese and helped Liam with his math homework. He had learned that sometimes you didn't have to make sense out of things that simply signified nothing but chaos. And that's what life often felt like; chaos.

That chaos only really allowed him to date causally, and was always careful as to who he brought around Liam. He felt unlucky in love. He had no idea what type of feelings Bridget had had for him, but he had to believe there was something more to their relationship than ten days of raw passion. There had been some kind of connection, and when she had seemed to initially forget him after his deployment, it had hurt. But he had just begun to move forward when he received her letter speaking of the connection that would forever bind them together.

Where had she gone and how had she left her only her only child behind was a constant and nagging question. Had he done something? He didn't think so. Besides if he had, she would have been less likely to leave Liam in his care. Like Liam had said, the eyes will tell you everything, and her eyes had always held that haunted, hunted look. Like there was something lingering there waiting to be told, but was held forever captive. But that last day there was something so very sad about her eyes when she said that final goodbye. At the time he had truly believed that she would be back within weeks. But the weeks turned into months and then years. Liam's constant questions as to when his mother would return, broke his heart over and over again.

He had been as faithful as possible in his visitation with Liam in those early years. Every Wednesday night and every other weekend. Yes, he missed occasionally due to work, but she always seemed understanding. And Liam never seemed bitter about it, making it clear that she hadn't maligned Jay in the change of plans. They had made several attempts to renew their relationship at different times throughout the years and with each one Jay thought that perhaps there was future for them, as if their treading water could actually propel them forward in some meaningful way. But it didn't and just as he thought there was a breakthrough, she would push him away again.

"I don't get it," Jay said one morning as Bridget decided once again, that after spending a night together, it was best if they distanced themselves. Jay was trying to keep his emotions in check as Liam was excited believing his dad was there early to see him, still too young to recognize he was wearing the same clothes as the night before. "Every time, I think we are getting somewhere you push me away. What am I doing wrong?" He asked as he sent Liam to his room for a show and tell item.

"Nothing. It's not you, it's me." Bridget replied.

"Oh, great, that speech." Jay said shaking his head in frustration and disbelief.

"It's not a speech, it's the truth. Despite how badly I want this," she said holding her arms outward indicating Jay and Liam, "it's not for me. It can never be for me."

"But why not? We don't have to get married. But Liam deserves two parents in one household. Can't we just try it? I'll keep my apartment, but let's give it a shot."

"You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"This, a family, a wonderful life of marriage, children, career and white picket fence, just isn't what I was meant for."

"Not sure about the picket fence, but why isn't meant for you? Please talk to me. Believe me I've seen almost everything, there isn't much that can shock or surprise me."

She smiled weakly leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. A month later she was gone.

What had she been so secretive about? What had she been hiding or hiding from? Was it something real or was her life in Chicago just something she needed to escape? Could he have helped her? Was she a victim of something, someone? Because he sure as hell felt like a victim of her absence. And she had left another victim behind, one he was sure tore her deeply.

He thought Liam was probably finishing up so he got up and stepped out into the street. He could see the form of his son, digging away at a plant then sitting down and eating something. He shook his head and figured Mrs. Harris had slipped him a treat or two. He then noticed a man across the street who was attempting to look casual, but was clearly watching his son work. Jay watched a minute more to confirm his suspicion before he went and got his gun and began to circle around to come up on the man from behind.

Being a cop and ex-soldier, Jay took nothing for granted and had his gun in his hand down at his side as he came up on the man. He looked around and noticed a few pedestrians, ears filled with ear buds, eyes trained on their phone or directly in front of them. There were no kids around him and Liam was at least thirty yards away and not paying any attention to what was happening around him.

Jay trained his eyes on the man as he came up from behind, still completely unaware that he was about to be interrogated in one form or another. Jay planted the gun in his back, pulled the gun from the man's waistband that he had noticed and began his speech.

"Don't you dare move. Now tell me, why you are watching my son," Jay said, his voice tight and directly in the mans ear.

"I'm not going to hurt him. I'd never hurt him." The man said, his Irish accent more than evident as he raised his arms in a practiced motion.

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"I just wanted to see him. See him once anyway. He's named after me you know." The lilting accent nearly forgotten but suddenly so familiar.

"What?" Jay asked, trying to keep his focus.

"Liam James. It's my name. Liam Patrick James. You knew my sister as Bridget O'Brien."

Jay's head was spinning, his blood pumping faster than his body or brain could keep up with. He placed the man's gun in his own waistband as he kept his gun trained on the adult Liam.

"She called him L.J. sometimes didn't she? My friends would call me that back home."

"Where's home?"

"She never told you did she? She didn't tell you much of anything did she? Look, I'm not going to run or do anything, can you take that gun out of my ribs?"

"Not yet," Jay said, his words biting. "Where is she?"

"That's what I want to tell you. I'm here for you. I'm not sure how to say this, but you deserve to know, Liam deserves to know."

"Know what?" 

"She loved you both very much."

"How can I believe you? Or anything that you say?"

"I have a picture. You saw it or at least she thought you saw it. She left it out once for you to find. I'm going to reach into the inside of my pocket and get my copy."

"Do it slowly," Jay ordered.

Liam moved cautiously, deliberately and pulled out a photo from when they were kids. The very same picture Jay had seen at her apartment all those years ago. The girl was clearly Bridget, with a boy he had assumed was her brother, her brother who might be right in front of him.

"It was taken when we were kids. She was eleven, I was ten. We were Irish twins. We were close then and stayed close until I lost her. I didn't even know where she was for years. She was that careful."

"Why? Why did she leave and why was she so careful?"

"She left a place that wasn't forgiving of those who didn't honor the family business."

"Which was?"

"Look mate, can you please take the gun off of me. I know you're a cop and quite capable of kicking my arse. I came here to talk to you and that's all I want to do."

Jay pulled his gun back and tucked it next to the other one, glad he hadn't worn tighter jeans. But he grabbed the man's jacket and pulled him around the corner and into an alcove by a bank. "Start talking then."

"Look, I'll tell you the basics. She left a bad situation because she wanted no part of what we were born into. But it wasn't just leaving, it was escaping. Because one doesn't just leave the James family. She traveled around then came to America and found her love for Chicago. Then she met you and then, well then Liam. She wanted to put down roots and she loved it here. She even loved the snow and cold."

"I still don't know that you are who you say you are." Jay argued but as he looked at the man's face the denial was beginning to fall away. The same blue eyes, the color that he had forgotten was now staring him in the face. The crinkle around they eyes that showed both warmth and sadness, too many genetic echoes to deny.

"My passport," he said as he pulled it from his pocket.

Jay took it, looked it over, it showed the man in front of him and the name matched. "It could be a fake."

"Could be, but it's not and I think you know that. Liam just turned ten a few months ago. Bridget was a vegetarian, eating compassionately was her motto and her catch phrase was 'what were you meant for.' She loved you and loved your son. She wanted to be swept up in a romantic dream, and she began that trek, but then realized it was never meant to be. All she wanted to be was a mother. She cherished that role, more than you'll ever know."

"Did she get pregnant on purpose?" Jay asked knowing already knowing the answer.

"I don't know. It's not exactly something that you can always plan. Did you use protection?"

"Yes," Jay replied.

"Every time?"

Jay remained quiet, the air held uncertainty as he remembered the days and nights of passion and constant need for human touch.

"Perhaps the boy was just meant to be. Perhaps being a father was what you were meant for."

"If she cherished the role so damn much, then why did she leave? Why did she tell her son she was going on a trip and then never come back?"

"Because it's what she had to do. She had hoped to figure out a way to come back, but it wasn't an option."

"Then why did she leave if she couldn't come back?"

"You have to understand that she had no choice in the matter. He eats your children and she could only hide for so long. She had to act or Liam would have been lost."

"What are you talking about?" Jay asked, his eyes wide. "What did she have to do?"

"Protect your son."

"And what did she have to do in order to accomplish that?"

"Kill our father." Liam said matter-of-factly. "He was the reason she felt she could never have kids. But she clearly was meant to be a mother, even if for a short time. But she had to stop him before he discovered L.J."

Jay rubbed his face with his hand. "I need details."

"I can't give them to you. It's better if you don't know any. I promised that I would honor Bridget by protecting you from her truth. But I can tell you this much—he was an evil man, in charge of an evil enterprise. And those born unto him and around him were pulled into his net with no escape. She escaped and by doing that she became enemy number one. No one leaves Killian James' little family and lives to tell about it.

"He'd never stop looking for her."

"And if he found her?" Jay asked.

"She had always been his favorite, but even so he'd of probably killed her, definitely killed you, even if you weren't together and he would have taken Liam. I have sisters who have had abortions to save their offspring from a life of his cruel hierarchy. Cousins who have committed suicide after watching him torture and kill their husbands because they dared to go against him. His brothers are no better. She left because she loved you. Both of you."

"Is she alive?"

"She killed him. Lured him into a building full of explosives. She hasn't returned because she couldn't. I needed Liam to know she didn't abandon him. She loved him with her entire being and because of that she gave up everything."

Jay just stood dumbfounded. He walked over and looked around the corner to see Liam waving goodbye to Mrs. Harris. He turned and looked at the elder Liam. "What was her name? Her real name?"

"Emma. Emma Eileen James. And she did love you. Of that I know."

"How did you find her after she came to Chicago?"

"We had an email account set up. It took her two years to send me anything. She had learned how to send it through different IP addresses. But even with that, she only contacted me five times in all the years she was gone."

"She led you to me?"

"She gave me hints, but never gave me a map. She wouldn't have exposed you so easily. It took me over a year to find you."

"Do you think anyone knew about your email account?"

He shook his head. "No. I was careful. I played along, acted as if I despised her and her desertion. A ruse I still carry to this day."

"So you're a good actor?" Jay said shaking his head.

"When I have to be. But this is not an act, and I believe you know that. Look, can I have my gun back? Despite all of my precautions, I feel better with it in my possession."

"You couldn't bring it on the plane. How did you get it?"

"This is America. This is Chicago. It wasn't that hard."

"Will anyone come after us? His brothers?"

"No. They're too busy fighting for the pieces of the pie. And she was careful, there is no knowledge of your existence."

"I don't know what to do," Jay said, his face breaking in two with emotion. "What do I tell him?" He asked as he handed the gun over.

"You tell him the truth. She loved him fiercely but she isn't coming back. I have to go. I hope this brings you some kind of peace and my apologies if it doesn't. But you deserved to know of her fate."

Jay stepped out of the alcove and looked back down the street, relieved to see that Liam had stopped to pet a neighbors dog. He looked back around the corner in time to see the man walk to a nearby car and get in. He stood there, trying to get himself together. He looked at the sun shining down on Liam, the red highlights in his hair beaming as red and orange leaves that had been shed from a nearby tree swirled around him.

"Hey Dad," Liam said as he looked up. "We're you coming to get me?"

"Sure was," Jay said trying to swallow down his recent experience. He had had a lot of practice at it. Shoot someone while on duty, come home and fix your kid dinner and hear about how is volcano for science class exploded at the wrong time. Or how about Jimmy O'Leary tripped over his shoelace and crashed into the wall. He was used to putting a mask on, but he usually had more time than thirty seconds in which to do it.

"Can we ride bikes now?"

"Let's have some lunch first. Unless the candy filled you up?" Jay said looking down at his son.

"I just had a couple of small candy bars. She said I could, that I deserved it since I worked so hard. And she gave me this," Liam said holding up a five dollar bill that he had pulled from his pocket.

"Five dollars?"

"She said it was a tip."

"You were cleaning up the yard as a punishment, not to get paid." Jay reminded.

"Can I keep it? I'll use it to buy you a Christmas present."

"How about you put it in your savings jar." Jay said of the jar that Liam had in his room where he put money that he had found or was given for odd jobs around their neighborhood or the district when he visited. Liam agreed to his father's suggestion and shoved the bill back into his pocket as they neared home.

To be continued...

_Soundtrack: Mazzy Starr Into Dust_

_A/n my computer has decided to play, hide the file and has been making it hard for me to track down my document...wish me luck in my endeavor to continue to find it. Yes, I put it on a flashdrive as a precaution, but positive thoughts that I don't have another mild heart attack when it doesn't open when it says it should._


	9. Secrets and Lies Part II

Secrets and Lies part II

Back in the apartment Jay made two sandwiches, one turkey and one peanut butter and jelly and set them on plates with apples and glasses of water while Liam washed up. Before he forgot it, he wrote down the license plate number of the rental car that the man that the adult Liam climbed into. Jay was now left with more thoughts than he could handle or new what to do with. He was still trying to get a grip on the conversation and understand what had just happened when Liam came out from the bathroom.

"Peanut butter and jelly. If I took the meat out, you'd be left with a mayo and lettuce sandwich." Jay said nodding towards the plate.

"Thanks," Liam said digging in.

"What did your mom call you?"

"Huh?" Liam asked as he chewed surprised by the question.

"Did she call you Liam or L.J.?"

"Both. But I think L.J. more. You always called me Liam more. It was like sometimes it was hard for her to say my name, which was weird because she's the one that gave it to me."

"Do you have a preference?" Jay asked.

"No, either one. You okay?"

"Yeah. Great. Why?"

"How come you have your gun?"

Jay had totally forgotten that he had his gun still tucked away in his waistband. "I had thought I saw a bad guy. So, to be prepared, I went and got it."

"Was it a bad guy?" Liam asked as he finished his sandwich.

"No. No he wasn't."

"Thanks for telling me," Liam said. "For telling me the truth, instead of making something up."

Jay forced an uncertain smile. "Speaking of secrets and lies. We're not done from last night."

"What? I cleaned the house, cleaned up Mrs. Harris' yard. What else can you want me to do?"

"I think you'll find out after we finish eating."

Once the food was eaten and dishes cleared, Jay went into his room and put his gun away and grabbed a notebook and tore a piece of paper from it and a pen from his nightstand. He went back to the table where Liam was and put the paper and pen in front of him. "You helped clean the apartment because you live here and made at least half the mess, actually, you probably made much more than half. You cleaned up Mrs. Harris' yard because you were being punished for trampling over her flowers. Now, about what happened last night. You cannot talk to me like that. You are not allowed to use that language and I don't want to hear it again most especially directed at me."

"Not even when I'm older?"

"No. Not even then. I'll always be your father, no matter how old you get."

"But how about the bad words though?"

"We'll revisit that in the future. Now, I want you to write this sentence," Jay said as he wrote down 'I will not swear' on the paper, "twenty times."

"Oh come on," Liam protested.

"Wrong answer kid."

"What?"

"Now, after that, you can write down 'yes sir' fifteen times."

"No way," Liam said in disbelief.

"Now, you can write 'no sir' fifteen times. Do you see the pattern here? You might want to think about your next answer carefully. Write, them neatly. Do you understand?"

Liam sighed as he took the pen and looked up at Jay. "Yes sir."

"Now you got it. Get started and when you get done we can head to the trail."

Liam let out a growly sigh, beginning to sound like the disgruntled tween he was trying to be. He knew he should have never told his dad that, but he was mad and it just sort of slipped. But then again, when he was in trouble, at least his dad was paying attention to him or at least home to pay attention to him.

Jay retreated to his room and let out the breath he had been holding in. He needed Liam to stay busy and give him at least a few minutes to recover from his recent experience on the street. Plus the kid did need to know that he had pushed it way too far the night before. He ran into disrespect on the streets all of the time and it caused things to escalate at hyperspeed. If he had to hammer the lesson of respect home on a nightly basis then he would. But of course he wasn't always home on a nightly basis.

But now the lesson had a twofold purpose as he had to try and put his thoughts in order and regroup. What the hell had just happened? He didn't know what to believe. He so often went on instinct and his gut was telling him that this man was exactly who he said he was. He had looked into the man's eyes and they didn't reveal malice, only fatigue and frustration. Much like his own eyes often held. And they were the blue that he had forgotten, the blue of Bridget's or Emma's as he now understood her name to be. It wasn't only the color, but they held the same emotions. The picture was the same one he had seen many years ago. And the weary body language went along with the story he told. Jay had seen it many times in tales of woe, whether it was here in Chicago or back in Afghanistan. The body seemingly wilting as the story was told. It was something that was nearly impossible to fake.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat there before Liam knocked on the door frame. "I'm done, and I did it neatly."

Jay snapped back to the present and took the paper. "Let's see." He scanned the lines and found they were as neat as a ten year old's scrawl would allow.

"I numbered them so you could see I did them all. Can we go now?" Liam asked, always feeling that if they were encompassed in an activity that it would somehow keep Jay from being called into work during his time off.

"It looks good. But—" he said turning the paper over and grabbing another pen from his nightstand, he began to write another sentence. "If we have an issue like we did last night, you'll be writing this," he said handing it back to his son. "Can you tell me what I wrote?"

"It says, 'I will not disrespect my father'."

"And you will fill the whole paper with it. Got it?"

Liam opened his mouth but quickly closed it again, taking another second to rethink his answer. "Yes sir."

"Good answer. Go fill up our water bottles and find your knit hat and fleece jacket. It's going to be cold while we ride. You might want to find your black gloves too."

"Okay," Liam said as he took off.

Jay stood and walked out into the main area of the apartment and watched his son scurry around as if he was on a scavenger hunt collecting all the items. As he searched for his gloves Jay went down to their basement storage cage and brought their bikes up.

A week ago he told Liam about how he and Will used to ride their bikes all over their Canaryville neighborhood. It was the escape they often needed. They would pedal the streets they knew and would even venture north, to neighborhoods that were foreign to them. They would envy the brick row houses, the newer vehicles parked like matchbox cars up and down the street. Now, riding with his son, reminded him of the bond that came with simply being together.

A few minutes later as they bundled up and prepared to leave Liam swung his leg over his bike and rolled up next to Jay. "Dad?"

"Yeah L.J." Jay responded, rolling the nickname around in his mouth as if he could still taste the woman who had given it to his son.

"I'm sorry. About last night. I didn't mean to say that word."

"Thank you for apologizing. It means a lot to me. You know how much I love you?"

"A lot?" the boy asked.

"More than that. Let's go, stick close to me and watch out for the cars."

"Yes sir!" Liam said as they began to pedal.

They rode to the trail, Jay kept a close eye on traffic and Liam. The arrived at the trail which was less that three miles but had some great assets including parks, great views of several neighborhoods including their own and cool graffiti which always caught Liam's eye. They rode from their access point at Walsh playground to the other end and back.

"You want to play for a few minutes?" Jay asked as he nodded towards the equipment.

"Can I?" Liam asked as his eyes lit up.

"Go on. I'll watch you."

Liam took off, found a random kid and made friends all in the time it took Jay to move their bikes near a bench where he sat down. He watched his son talk to his new buddy and then the two take off towards the swings. He thought back to his meeting with the elder Liam and what the man had said. Was it all true? Was any of it true? After Bridget or Emma as he should start thinking of her, left he waited for two years, still expecting and believing she would return. He watched her apartment go back on the rental market, her job evaporate, her neighbors shake their head in confusion at her absence and the school move her information from the top of the forms as the primary contact to below Jay's. He could deal with the fact that she had left him, but to leave her child seemed so unlike her that he found he couldn't really grasp the possibility, even as the days turned to years.

There was no doubt that she loved Liam very much. It was written all over her world. It was in her eyes, actions and everything about her. The sun rose and set with him, so how the hell could she just disappear? It thrust Jay into a role he felt he was ill prepared for. He worked at least sixty hours a week, all times of the day and night and really had no idea what to do with a child full time. But he had been forced to learn and learn quickly. It wasn't just the role he was filling, but all of the questions that came from his son about his mothers whereabouts and they were all questions he couldn't answer.

He had loved his part-time status as a father. If he got called in at three in the morning, he just went. If he had to stay until midnight, he stayed. He had no guilt as there wasn't even a goldfish waiting for him at home, but it had all changed with the words, 'I'm taking a trip.'

Despite the fact that he had gotten paperwork only months after Emma's disappearance, giving up her parental rights he didn't trust it and two years after she had left, Jay filed some paperwork, seeking sole custody of his son. It meant if she came back, she couldn't just jump back in where they had left off. It meant that Jay had a say in the matter of custody and visitation—a major say. His lawyer said at five years he should come back and file more paperwork. They were at the five year mark. Five years ago, Liam hadn't lost any teeth, sight words were a big deal and he was still learning how to tie his shoes. It was a lifetime ago and she had missed everything.

Now, with her absence stretching out, with no contact, Jay was allowed pursue the next step and have her parental rights terminated. She had relinquished them years ago, just after he departure, but his lawyer had advised that he take this step regardless. It would mean that if she ever showed up, she had absolutely no rights to her son or decisions concerning him. It also meant that if she tried to have contact, Jay would be notified immediately and if she tried to transport him anywhere, it would be considered kidnapping. And since she was foreign descent, hers and Liam's information would be put on a no fly list.

Jay had hesitated to take this final step for a few reasons. One he had to provide quite a few documents that he hadn't even begun to track down. He would need to provide Liam's birth certificate, the one that Jay had initially balked at when he saw his name sitting on the line marked father. As well as the custody and visitation agreement from years ago, the DNA test results, the amended custody arrangement from three years ago, proof of an address and income among several other things. He would also need letters of support from at least three people that knew both Jay and Liam to be character witnesses saying that Jay could care for his son along with with the fact that he had done so for many years and the boy didn't seem any worse for wear since Jay had attained full custody.

He laid in bed thinking about why he hadn't proceeded, but then became totally overwhelmed with the process and did nothing. There was also the fact that if he went forward, it would mean he had accepted the fact that Emma was never coming back. And as much as it hurt him, he knew closing this chapter in Liam's life could very well devastate the boy. But of course not telling the boy was an option, more secrets he supposed. And, also there was the realization that sometimes knowing something and admitting it were two totally different things.

But with the conversation from earlier in the day, it sounded like the effort was no longer necessary. In another couple of years he could look into having her declared deceased and the rest would take care of itself. But something didn't feel right. He believed Emma's so called brother was being truthful on most things, but something flickered false during the conversation, he just wasn't sure what it was.

He watched his son play, his black knit hat bouncing around as he ran, climbed and jumped around. The temperatures were in the low fifties and the sun was shining, but the wind was still cool. The forecast called for beautiful week, perhaps the last of the season. Daylight savings had ended and the shadows were already creeping their way. Liam had already asked if they could toss the baseball around when they got home if there was time, but time was running short. But it also gave Jay a way to get his kid off the playground without a myriad of complaints and stall tactics.

"L.J.," he yelled, still thinking of Emma. "If you want to play catch we better get going." Liam stopped in his tracks and jogged over with his new friend following him.

"This is Pete, he lives in—where do you live?" He turned and asked the boy.

"Ohio." The boy replied.

"This is Pete from Ohio. He's here visiting his cousins."

"Nice to meet you Pete from Ohio." Jay said smiling at the boy. "You ready?" He asked turning back to his son.

"I guess," Liam said as he bid his new friend goodbye.

They rode home as the sun descended behind them. "I'll put the bikes up, you grab our gloves and a ball." Jay directed. "Meet you back here," he said indicating the front step.

They went their separate ways and five minutes later were tossing the baseball back and forth on the sidewalk. "Can I throw a curveball?" Liam asked.

"Absolutely not. Just throw, don't aim, just throw."

Liam made a face, but tossed it back to his father. He began to throw it harder with each exchange, aiming for the chest. "Nice arm. Just don't overdo it." Jay advised as he threw it back. But he threw it too high and as Liam jumped to catch the ball, it glanced off his glove and towards the street. It bounced between two cars and rolled towards the middle of the street.

Jay jogged down to where Liam was as the boy stepped into the street. "Watch for cars," he said looking both ways along with his son. The street was clear, but as Liam neared the ball a car whipped around the corner and sped down the street. Jay's eye's widened as he saw son in the direct path of the speeding car. He launched himself off the curb and grabbed Liam, pulling him back to safety.

Jay looked at the car, thinking for a moment it might have been the rental car that Liam James had been driving. But this one was black, not navy blue and was mid-sized sedan as opposed to the smaller version he had witnessed earlier. Besides if the man had wanted to harm the boy, he would have had a better opportunity earlier that day or the next as the boy went to school.

"Is he okay?" Ellie asked as she came running down the street.

"Yeah, he is," Jay replied as he realized he hadn't even looked at Liam. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Liam replied, his voice muffled from being in his father's chest. "Except you're squishing me."

Jay realized he had wrapped his arms around him in a tight cocoon, barely allowing the boy to breathe. "Sorry. Let me see you." He said as they both got up. Other than a scuff on Liam's sneaker, all appeared to be fine.

"Did you see the car?" Jay asked.

"Yeah. I think it's that Johnson kid from down the street. I heard he already has two tickets and he's only had is license for three months. He nearly ran over Louise Thelman last week." Ellie replied.

Jay nodded as they made their way back to the curb. "I think we should head inside. It's getting too dark to see."

"We can still play for a few minutes," Liam begged, using the argument he hadn't needed earlier at the playground.

"Not tonight buddy. It's supposed to be nice all week, we'll play again."

"No we won't, you'll never get home before it's dark." Liam said as he stomped towards the front door, leaving Jay to realize the accuracy of his son's statement. He looked back down the street where the car had disappeared and realized that since the afternoon his whole world had turned a bit on its axis. Did the news he had heard fill in any gaps or only create them.

Liam James flopped down on the bed with a flourishing sigh and pulled a pillow underneath his head. The fresh hotel sheets making him feel like he should climb under the covers and close the world out.

"Did you see him?"

He groaned and rolled over. "Yeah. But only from a distance."

"How'd he look?"

"Happy, healthy, normal."

"Did you hear him talk?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering how sweet his voice was. And Jay?"

"Oh, him I met up and close and personal." Liam went on to explain Jay sneaking up on him, disarming him and synopsis of their conversation.

"So you never lied?"

"No. We should go out. There's a ton of restaurants around the infinite number of entirely too tall buildings. I feel claustrophobic in this city. So big, but so confining. At least downtown. The neighborhood they live in reminded me a bit of the ones in Dublin."

"What was Jay like?"

"I just told you." Liam said, slightly exasperated. But he took a breath, made eye contact and continued. "He's a good man. A good father. He was clearly watching out for Liam, willing to protect him at all costs. His love for the boy was deeply embedded in his eyes.

"I got him to believe what you wanted."

"You're sure you have him convinced?"

"Yeah. I think so. I'm pretty sure. But he's a cop, he listens to liars all day long."

"Which is why I told you not to lie. Just push him in the right direction for him to believe what is needed."

"I did my best. I swear to you." He assured.

She sighed. "He has to understand that there is nothing left to pursue, nothing left to wonder about. I need him to believe that I'm dead."

_Soundtrack: Feeling you by Harrison Storm and Let He Go by Passenger as Jay thinks about Bridget_

_I'm Gone by Daniel Spaleniak when adult Liam speaks with Bridget_


	10. I'm Just A Human Kid part I

**I'm Just a Human Kid Part I**

Voight was pointing to the whiteboard and it's myriad of pictures and crisscrossed lines that tentatively held their case together. The team was attempting to group dealers and buyers from low level to the top of the pyramid and finally get this laced heroin off of the street. But it had been slow going, and didn't look like it was going to get any better, at least not anytime soon. Jay had two late nights in a row and woke up last night to find Liam standing over him. When he asked what was wrong the boy just told him that he wanted to see if he was home. The guilt rattled him the rest of the night and had continued to work on him throughout the morning.

He felt his phone buzz and looked down to see it was Liam's school calling. He stood up and stated he needed to take the call and was already turning to leave the room when Voight gave a slight head nod indicating it was fine. He answered the phone and at first his biggest concern was that Liam was sick, but that soon turned out to be what he could only wish for. He walked back into the room his face clearly reflecting the turmoil that had seeped deep inside him in only seconds.

"Is there a problem?" Voight asked after seeing Jay enter the room.

"That was Liam's school." Jay began. "He's not there."

"What do you mean he's not there?" Ruzek asked.

"He wasn't there for attendance. They checked to make sure he wasn't in the bathroom, office or nurse's office. So they called to ask me if he was home sick."

"Is he?" Burgess asked gently.

"No. I dropped him off at school myself. It's the only time we've had together the last few days. He was fine."

"Maybe he's skipping class," Kevin offered. "Do ten year old's skip school?"

Jay ran his hand through his hair, clearly agitated. "I don't know if they do or not. But Liam doesn't."

"He hasn't," Voight stated clarifying the subject. "You've had late nights. Maybe he's just trying to get your attention. Did you try his phone?"

"Yeah, of course. I called, it went straight to voice mail. I got on my app tracker and it indicates his phone is off. Sarge, I'll admit I'm kinda freaking out here."

"Okay. First, take a breath. You dropped him off at school. Did you see him go inside?"

"No. You have to clear the drop-off lane as soon as your kid gets out of the car."

"Does the school have cameras facing outside?"

"Just the one aimed by the front door where they buzz you inside if you're a visitor. Nothing that reaches the street."

"Kim, call the school, have them triple check that he isn't there and see if any of his friends are out too. Maybe a group of them decided to go off book today."

"Sure thing Sarge. Jay, what school does he go to?" Kim asked.

Jay was clearly lost in thought causing Burgess to have to ask again. "Um, Burr Elementary." He finally responded.

She nodded as Upton planted herself next to Jay. "Why don't we find a recent picture of him." She suggested.

"Yes. We'll get it to Trudy who can get it out to patrol. What was he wearing Jay?" Jay still looked shellshocked. "Hey, I'm going to need you to focus. What was he wearing?" Hank asked.

"Um, yeah, sorry. He had on, jeans, navy blue Nike's, and a—sweatshirt, a hoodie, it was nice outside so he didn't really need a coat." He explained as if he was worried about being judged on Liam's outerwear.

"What color was the sweatshirt?" Hailey asked.

Jay blinked. He closed his eyes as if he was trying to focus. "Black. It said Army on it and had the white and gold star. His backpack is blue and gray and he has a baseball key chain attached to the zipper." Hailey took his phone from him and began to scroll though the pictures. "My texting." Jay said.

"What?"

"Will sent me a picture from last weekend of Liam at the Science Museum. There's a good one of him in front of one of the exhibits. I just haven't saved it yet."

"Here it is," she said forwarding the picture to her phone. "I'll get the picture and description to Trudy."

Kim got off the phone. "No luck. He doesn't seem to be in the building. There are only a few absent and none them seem to be friends with Liam."

"Talk to me Jay. Did anything happen recently that might cause him to rebel? Act out? Walk with me." Voight said heading to his office. "Sit," he directed. "I know you've put in a lot of hours and I know he hates it when you work a lot—perhaps he's trying to send you a message."

"Have we arrested anyone that knows I'm a father?" Jay asked. He, and everyone else never mentioned his fatherhood while working a case, for obvious reasons.

"We'll look at that. But there's nothing on the radar recently that stands out."

"Maybe it's not from a recent case," Jay suggested.

"Is there something going on?" Hank pushed. "Look, you know as well as I do that everything has to be considered."

Jay nodded and told Hank about Friday and Saturday night. Their arguments and Liam's accusations. "But Sunday was fine. We had great afternoon and evening. The last couple of nights I got home after he was in bed, but Ellie, my sitter, said he seemed fine. We did our usual routine of morning exercise."

"And you're sure that the speeding car was a reckless neighbor?"

"Yeah. I went down last night and the car was there. I knocked on the door since there was a light on and spoke to the kids father. He promised to take the keys away for a week. But it all matched up. He admitted his son had already gotten two tickets and had been out that Sunday evening." Jay finished, but his face wore emotions he had yet to explain.

"What are you still not telling me? Halstead, spit it out or I can't help you and I can't help Liam. You know that I love that kid, that we all do. He is the one consistent ray of sunshine in our lives. So tell me what the hell else is going on!" Hank ordered, the volume of his voice escalating with each word.

So Jay did. He told him about his short meeting with Liam James and all that he said. When he was finished a shudder went through his body. "Look Sarge, let's go to my place, I want to see if he went home. Maybe he just went home."

"Sure, we'll go. Both of us, and we'll continue to talk about this new family dynamic that you just revealed."

Voight drove while Jay filled him in with more details of the meeting and what it may or may not mean. But as Voight pulled up to the apartment Jay was practically out of the SUV before it rolled to a stop. He ran to the outside door, nearly dropping the keys in his haste. He managed to get the door open and ran to their apartment door and fumbled with the keys again. He flung the door open and cried out for his son. He looked around and didn't see the boys backpack or any other evidence that he had come home. Hank came inside, his eye's searching for anything abnormal.

"Nothing," Jay said coming from Liam's room.

"Okay. Anywhere else in the neighborhood he might go? A park, playground? What about the 606? You said you were just there. Would he go back there?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Let me see if his bike is here." Jay ran down the basement stairs while Hank looked through the apartment one more time.

"Maybe he's at Ellie's," Jay said running back up the steps.

"His bike still here?"

"Yeah, just where I put it." He stood in the hallway waiting for Voight so he could shut the apartment up again. "Let's check Ellie's apartment. Maybe for some reason he went over there." Jay said again.

"But she'd probably call you wouldn't she?" Hank asked.

"Yeah." Jay agreed as he pulled out his phone to check for anything new that he might have missed, but found nothing. "Maybe she isn't home. We both have a key to her house, for emergencies, whatever they might be. But she told me she had given him one."

They marched across the street, Jay using his key to get into the building and then pounding on Ellie's door to no avail. "Look, she's not home. Use the key." Hank advised as he looked up and down the hallway.

Jay jammed the key into the locks and swung the door in and began to call out for his son. They both looked around, any awkwardness that Jay had might have felt initially about being in this woman's house without her knowledge melted away as he searched the rooms. "No sign Sarge."

"Okay. You call her and tell her what's going on, she can keep an eye out on your place in case he comes back here."

"Jay?!" The middle-aged woman shrieked, her hand to her heart as she came from the end of the hallway. "I was just in the basement. What are you doing here?"

"Liam isn't at school. I was hoping that maybe he was at home or your place." Jay explained. His adrenaline, continuing to rev him up.

"Oh no. I haven't seen him. Do you want me to go over to your place in case he comes back home?"

"Would you?" Jay asked.

"Of course. Let me just get a few things then I'll go right over. I'll let you know if I hear or see anything."

"Great. Thanks." Jay said, his concern leaking through every pore.

"No problem. Please let me know if you find him. Jay, I'm sure he's fine. Just enjoying the pretty day."

"Yeah. Sure," Jay said even though this was unlike his son to skip school, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he was rarely so openly defiant.

Back at the vehicle, they climbed in and sat for a moment dealing with disappointment as their best hope of finding the boy had evaporated. Voight looked over and studied Jay as the man stared straight ahead. He was certain his mind was full of tiny explosions firing all over his brain or one giant explosion that had nullified the entire thought process leaving a void of emptiness. In these situations it seemed it didn't matter what ones training was, being a parent took precedence and with that, all normality ground to a halt.

He had always thought of Halstead as a spring, coiled too tightly, always waiting to burst forth. He could see the tension underneath Jay's skin, as if it had a life of its own. He was always pulled taut, as if you could bounce a quarter off of him, like a well-made bed.

"I was just thinking of that time when you disobeyed my orders last year and chased after that arsonist." Voight said. "You weren't going to take no for an answer."

"Yeah," Jay said, breaking free from his silence. "You chewed me out big time for that."

"Because you deserved it. You could have died. And all I could think of was that I was the one that would have to tell your son that you were killed that day because I didn't do my job. Because I couldn't protect you.

"Do you have any idea how devastating your death would be for him? But you let your emotions run away with you and it nearly ended in disaster."

Jay wasn't sure what to think about where this conversation was heading. "I get it boss."

"Did you? Do you? Because I would have been the one to watch the devastation wash over his face. To watch him grow up without you."

"I screwed up, I had lost my mind. My dad and I were never close and always clashed on everything my whole life, until the day he died. But Liam—Liam was the one thing that could bring a smile to his face—just about the only thing. I just want my son to be okay. I can't handle—I can't lose—we have to find him." Jay said, his thoughts and words skipping around.

"And you're telling me everything?"

"Yes." Jay lied, he thought he pulled it off but his eyes and mannerisms betrayed him.

"Okay then," Voight replied shaking his head, wondering what was still being hidden and why. Where else Jay? Where else would he go? What are his favorite places?"

"Um, the Loop, the Riverwalk, the Bean in Millennium Park, Grant Park and the fountain. A lot of places Sarge. Oh, Lincoln Park Zoo."

"Let's try the zoo since that's the closest. Then we'll head downtown."

As they pulled away from the curb Jay spoke. "He knew I had been shot that day. Last year, when I was chasing the man responsible for the arson. I told him I had tackled a suspect and fell down some stairs. I lied to protect him. But he just told me last weekend that he knew, he had watched the news and put it together that I had been the CPD officer that had been wounded while attempting to apprehend the suspect. He held onto that knowledge for a year, without saying anything."

"He's a smart kid. Which is why I know that he is just fine, or will be. And when we do find him, he'll have his ass handed to him just like you were."

"Yeah," Jay said, his voice catching in his throat.

"You both hold things too tightly. You wrap yourself up in this angst and pain and don't let anyone see it. You kept telling me through that entire ordeal that you were okay and I left you alone, because I wanted to believe it. Just like I let you handle it with Camila except you weren't handling and I didn't push you. But those days are over. Now your son is hopefully just skipping school, but even if that is the case he is still running around the city alone and anything could happen to him. Or perhaps it is something more sinister, so whatever you're holding back you might want to rethink it." Hank finished as cut through a side street to save time as Jay gave the slightest of nods.

While Voight and Halstead searched the zoo, the park and surrounding neighborhood, the rest of the team checked in with patrol, the school and canvassed the neighborhood surrounding the school. They pulled footage from area cameras and were able to find out that the boy seemed to leave of his own accord. They were able to follow him several blocks using various cameras until he seemingly disappeared.

Jay stood near the Buckingham Fountain in Grant park ready to fall apart. They had searched everywhere he could think that Liam would go, but of course only could see so much of each area. The Loop was large space and it was full of employees who were trying to get where they needed to go along with tourists who had no idea where they were going. They both checked for anyone shorter than five feet tall, but very few kids were in the mix. The Riverwalk was long enough they couldn't come close to checking all of it, but they had flashed his picture to businesses at each entrance but nobody could confirm a sighting. So then they headed to the parks and continued their vigorous search for the boy. As Voight flashed Liam's picture, Jay stood motionless, lost in the swirl of madness in his head. He knew he would never be father of the year. He hadn't predicted his future would have been at all like this. He sure as hell hadn't expected to become a father, and definitely hadn't anticipated being a full time single father. But here he was and right now all he felt was failure. He worked long hours, lied about some of the overtime to his son in order to have some adult time with coworkers and friends, and now he had told his boss most of the story but not all of the interaction with Liam James. He had the license plate of the rental car and yet he hadn't shared it. He had wanted to deal with that end of things himself. Track Liam down and talk with him again. There was more to explore, but his recent schedule hadn't allowed it and now his son was missing. His gut told him the man meant no harm to his namesake, but what if his gut was wrong? What kind of father was he to hold this information back, just because he wanted it all to himself for some kind of conversation he hadn't even made the effort to have. What if this man had grabbed his son and was on plane back to Europe all because Jay had been stupid? He heard from Burgess that Liam had appeared to walk away from the school alone, but what if it had been initiated by someone. Would Liam have been gullible enough to follow directions from a stranger?

Jay loved his son, he truly did, with his whole heart. But he felt as if the boys very existence had been tainted by its inopportune beginnings. He and the boys mother had merely caught each others eye at a party, ended up in bed together, barely parting for over a week. It had been raw, passionate, exciting, but appeared to be nothing that would lead to any type of a fulfilling future. And when he did make the attempt to try and fan the spark that he thought existed between them, he was certain that Bridget who was now Emma, would welcome his efforts but instead she rebuffed him, allowing him mere moments to believe there would be a chance of a future together before she shut him down. A man could only be pushed away so many times before he did close up and refused to allow more wounds to be heaped upon him. He could still feel the phone in his hand when he made that last call to Erin Lindsay, the ring in his other hand, the call never answered. Another potential future shot to hell. He never put himself at the top of a relationship pedestal, but to have two women completely leave what they loved behind just to extricate themselves from his life was as hard to accept as it was to live with. Erin had left Chicago and Hank behind, and Emma had left her child. But that child, his son hadn't deserved to have an emotionally wounded father fuck up his life for him any further than he already had.

His fingers wrapped around the piece of paper in his pocket that held the license plate number that he had written down days ago on a torn piece of paper. He had to tell Voight, this was beyond him now, beyond the team, they would never look at him the same again, but this was his son and he owed the kid his best effort instead of his pathetic offerings thus far. His lips were poised, the 's' sitting there ready to say sarge when Voight called out his name. "Hey, patrol has him. He's fine. Let's go."

Jay let his fingers open and left the paper in his pocket and the word he had prepared to say, die on his lips. He charged off after Voight and back to the SUV.

Jay called Trudy as he jogged and discovered that Liam had called 911 and when the police arrived they realized he had been the kid everyone had been looking for. They then called the district. No other details were given other than he was fine. They were already en route to the 21st with Liam.

After racing back to work Jay shoved the doors aside as he ran through them and into the district foyer. "Is he here?" He yelled to Trudy.

"No, not yet. But he should be here any minute." She answered as Hank came through the door. "And before you ask, I don't have any details other than he is unhurt. Patrol needs a statement, but they waited to get the details from him until they got here so he wouldn't have to say it twice. That's it, that's all I know."

Jay nodded as he bent over at the waist trying to rein in his emotions like he had the other night. A trick his therapist had suggest, a way to physically take a moment. He wasn't sure it worked. "You okay?" Upton asked as she came through the door with Kevin. "Yeah. Just trying to—to—actually I don't have a clue what I'm doing or feeling. I just want to see him—hold him."

"I know. He should be here soon. Are there any further details?"

"No. Nothing." Jay said as the door opened and two patrol officers and Liam came through. "Oh thank God," he said and ran over and knelt down embracing his son. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He asked as he stood up.

"I'm fine." Liam assured.

"What were you doing? What were you thinking?"

"Sorry Dad," Liam said softly as he looked around at all the eyes on him.

"We're just glad that you're okay," Kevin said.

"He's fine. And he's a hero. Saved a kid just a little older than him. We still need to get details. Can we go up?" Officer Thompson asked as he looked over at the stairs.

"Sure, let's do that." Voight said moving that way.

The air seemed thick with silence once everyone was settled in an interrogation room. It was as if nobody wanted to be the first to speak. Liam sat there picking the label off the bottle of water Jay had gotten for him, while Jay was leaning against the wall along with Voight as Officer Thompson was sitting across the table from him. The second patrol officer had just come back into the room with a cup of coffee. "Can I have a soda?" Liam had asked, hope in his voice. But Jay had said no and brought him the water, subtly reminding his son of who was in charge.

Officer Thompson cleared his throat. We had a 911 call dispatch us to a location in Canaryville, for an injured boy."

"Canaryville!?" Jay questioned.

"I take it, you don't live in the neighborhood?"

"No. Bucktown."

"Well, Liam had to run out and look at the street sign to tell the dispatcher where he was so I figured he wasn't too familiar with his surroundings. When we arrived he said there was a boy who was hurt inside an abandoned house. Why don't you finish your story," the officer encouraged.

"Actually, start from the beginning," Jay stated.

Liam looked like he was going to be sick. "I'm sorry Dad. I didn't mean for you to worry. I thought I'd be back before school was over and you'd never know."

"So you're sorry that you got caught, not that you skipped school?"

"Sorry for all of it?" Liam said as if it was a test and he was just guessing at the answers.

"Go on," Officer Thompson encouraged.

"Dad dropped me off at school and I was going to go inside, but it was a really nice day and I had packed my lunch and my backpack wasn't very heavy and I just wanted to walk—to go somewhere, anywhere. So I just started walking and came to the L stop and I had my pass so I got on and then got off when I realized it had stopped in Canaryville."

"Why did you want to get off there?" Jay asked, trying to keep his anger tempered. Now that his son was alive, in good health and in front of him, he just wanted to strangle him.

Liam shrugged. "Because it's where you and Uncle Will grew up and where Dylan's dad moved. I thought maybe if I could see the neighborhood, I could visit Dylan some day or at least know where he would be. And I thought maybe I could find out where you lived and rode your bikes when you were my age."

"But you don't even know the addresses," Jay said sitting down across from his son.

"Yeah. I know. It was stupid. But I started walking around and came across this house that was boarded up but there was something about it that made me stop. Then I saw one of those animals—you know that look like big rats."

"Opossum?" Voight said.

"Yeah, one of those. It was on the side of the house and was heading towards the back. I wanted to see it closer so I followed it to the backyard. The fence was missing and it was just sitting on the patio back there. While I was standing there I thought I heard a noise. So I got closer to the house and I saw some blood by the big doors that open out—like this," Liam said making a show of pulling big heavy doors outwards.

"Doors into the basement," the second officer, Landers said.

"So I stopped and listened and thought I heard someone crying. I wasn't sure what to do but then I must have made some noise because they called out for help. I pulled one of the doors open, it had a lock on it, but it was broken. It was dark down there so I turned my phone on and used the flashlight app and went down the stairs."

Jay looked like one of those explosions that had been in his head earlier was about to go off now for everyone to see. "Why was your phone off?" He demanded to know. If the kids phone had been on, he could have found him in no time.

"Because I forgot to charge it and it was almost dead. Here you can see," he said shoving it across the table at Jay. The tiny battery at the top indicated that only four percent was left. "So I turned it off in case I needed it. So I went downstairs and there was a boy down there all beaten up. He had blood on his head and face and his ankle was really swollen. His phone was stolen. I guess some bullies followed him on the way to school and beat him up and took his phone. He ran into the basement to get away from them, but the door hit him on the head and he fell and hurt his ankle. He couldn't get back up to get out." Liam finished.

"So, your son called 911 and stayed with the victim until we got there." Officer Landers said.

"I called but didn't know where I was so I ran and got the number on the house and then ran to the corner and told them what street I was on and then told Vaughn, his name is Vaughn, that I when I heard the sirens I would meet them and tell them where he was and then I would leave."

"Why did you tell him that?" Hank asked.

"Because, I didn't want to get into trouble. I was going to be back at school before it got over. The police would ask me why I wasn't in school."

"But you stayed?" Hank said.

"Yeah."

"How come?"

"Because he asked me to. I ran up and met the police and paramedics but took them to the back to show them where he was. They weren't going to let me go back down, but Vaughn kept calling out to me so they said I could be with him. They took him to Chicago Med. Do you think Uncle Will worked on him?"

"Maybe." Jay said. "But it could have been a trap son. Someone could have lured you down there. You should have just called 911 and waited outside." Liam just shrugged and looked down at the table.

"Vaughn Hayes was report missing this morning when he didn't show up for school. His parents went home and when he wasn't there they called the police. It was a good thing your son showed up when he did, the kid was going into shock."

"Thanks officers," Voight said ushering them towards the door.

"Yeah sure thing. We'd been looking at Liam's picture all morning, searching the streets and then bam, there he was right in front of us."

"You know where to find us if you need anything else," Voight said sending them down the hallway before heading back into the room.

"See Dad, it was what I was meant for at least for today." Liam was saying.

"Meant for?" Hank asked.

"It was his mother's catch phrase—what are you meant for or what were you meant for, or both."

"Just cause she left doesn't mean you have to hate her," Liam accused.

"I don't hate her," Jay replied unsure where his son's response had come from.

"I'm going to eat my lunch," Liam said as he grabbed his water and went to get his backpack from Jay's desk.

Once he had left Hank looked at Jay. "You haven't told him about your Sunday meeting with his namesake?"

"No. Not yet," Jay said closing the door.

"Jay, his mother is dead. He needs to know that. Unless you don't believe she is."

"Why would he lie to me? And even if she isn't, she's dead to me—to our son. She hasn't even bothered to send a damn postcard or even call and hang up. Nothing, that's what she's given us. So yeah, she's dead. And you're right, Liam needs to know."

"I know it's been a long week and today hasn't made it any easier. But the longer you know without making him aware the harder it's going to be."

"I know. I didn't want this life for him. Waiting for me to come home every night. No mother. It's my fault, my fault."

"How so?"

"How so? His mother and I were fuck buddies, nothing more that that and I ran out of condoms that's how. I was one short and now he's doomed to a life of abandonment and fear of further abandonment. He deserves better. He should be in one of these homes where the mother is serving dinner at the same time every night, homemade, not frozen crap. A father who is helping him with his homework and at every ball game."

"But instead he got you huh?"

"Yeah. Instead he got a mother who left him and father who is never around, suffers from PTSD and has no clue how to raise him. Forget that one part—in fact forget all of what I just said."

"Look Jay, life finds a way. He is your son and you love him and that's what matters the most. Is he being raised in an ideal setting? No. But he knows that you love him. He knows that without a doubt. And I think we both know that there was more to your relationship with his mother than what you just described. But you are busy talking yourself out of that fact because it makes the pain of her disappearance easier to deal with. Now if you need my office to talk to him or anything else, just let me know."

"Anything else?" Jay questioned.

"Hey, all I'm saying is that I'm not opposed to a smack on the ass when it's called for. But that's between the two of you. I'm just offering a private space for whatever you might need it for."

Jay nodded as Voight left him sitting there with his thoughts.

To be continued...

_Sountrack: The Who~Behind Blue Eyes_


	11. I'm Just A Human Kid part II

**I'm Just a Human Kid Part II**

Liam was nibbling on his peanut butter sandwich, glad he hadn't chosen cheese. If you had peanut butter at school, you had to store and eat it in a special room off the cafeteria because some of the students had allergies. But here at the district he didn't have to worry about that. He had some baby carrots in a bag, a warm juice box and two homemade chocolate chip cookies that Ellie had made last night. His dad hadn't been home before he went to bed the entire week and Liam hated that. He didn't know if they were working on a case, all huddled around in the safety of the office and each other or if Jay was undercover pretending to be Ryan, an alter ego who sold drugs, bought drugs and did the same with guns or whatever the case at the time demanded. Every night he went home to a babysitter he feared that he would never see his dad again.

He never told his father that he talked to his mother every night before he went to sleep. His memory of her face was fading but he remembered her telling him as she said goodbye, that they could talk to each other whenever they wanted, that the air would carry their love and words to each other. And though they may not be able to hear the actual words, they would be able to feel what was behind them. She was crying when she said it, her eyes glistening with pools of emotion. She had reached out and caressed his face and told him that she loved him more than anything. Then she turned and left. He had been so little back then and believed she would be back before he got used to her being gone. He had been wrong. So very wrong.

Now his dad was pissed. He could see his face hold the anger tightly in place. Liam wasn't sure if it was because his mom left that his dad couldn't bear anyone else to leave him or it was because he was really scared that something had happened to him. He really didn't think it was a big deal to go on an adventure for a day. An adventure all his own. But then he found Vaughn and got caught and found out every police officer in the city had been looking for him. He still wasn't sure why or how they knew. But they did know, and now his dad knew, and that all pointed to the fact that he was going to be in big trouble.

He wasn't scared of his dad. Jay had never given him reason to be. Sure he would yell, and his face would hold a ferocity that could send a shiver down ones spine. And there was never any doubt when the man meant business, but he had only been spanked once, and even that hadn't been a big deal, although it had been initiated from the fear that Liam was lost, and well, here they were again. Even though he wasn't lost, well not really lost. He had kept the L in sight, straying only a few blocks away from the rail so he could find his way back. He had just needed something for himself. He was always with an adult and that's just how childhood was, but he was getting older and wanted to be a part of something bigger all by himself and maybe today, despite the repercussions to come, he had been.

"Am I in trouble?" Liam asked as Jay sat down at his desk.

"I think you know the answer to that question already." Jay replied.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean for you to be worried."

"You just figured you'd go out on this quest and get back to school in time for the after-school program?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"You didn't think that they would notice you weren't there all day?" Liam chewed on his lips as he set his sandwich down. "Because they noticed pretty quickly and you know what they did when they saw you weren't there?" Liam shook his head. "They called me. They called me by 8:30 and since then we've been all over the city looking for you."

"Oh. Sorry." Liam whispered.

"Everyone in this room had their life turned upside down because you had a brilliant plan to go in search of something on the South Side. In fact you owe everyone in here an apology," Jay finished as he looked at his son. "Finish your lunch and make sure you do it," he said as he sat back in his chair, seemingly exhausted.

Liam finished his lunch, eating it as slowly as possible in hopes that a plane might crash into the building and relieve him of the first part of his punishment. But it didn't, and since he was out of food and drink he had no excuse not to make his rounds of contrition. Everyone was gracious and understanding as most had pulled something similar in their youth.

He knocked quietly on the door frame to Voight's office. "Come on in kiddo," he said putting his papers down.

"I have to apologize to everyone about today. So, I'm sorry."

"Well you should be. We spent half our day focusing on finding you and not on our jobs. That's kind of a big deal. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah."

"Yes sir," Hank reminded.

"Yes sir. I didn't mean for it to be like that."

"We don't mean for something to happen but our actions and their consequences aren't black and white."

"My dad is pretty mad. He has that look on his face. Like it's all pinched up." Voight tried not to smile. Halstead wasn't one who wore a constant smile, but when trouble went down, his mouth became a flat line, the lines between his eyebrows deepened. Voight had spent all day with that face.

"I know the look, and he deserves to wear it. He was terrified. I was terrified. Do you understand that we didn't know that you were okay? That we see a lot of bad things and know that they happen every day. And they happen to kids just like you. In fact you witnessed that close up with the boy you helped. That could have been you."

"I know."

"Is this going to happen again."

"No. No sir. I swear."

"Okay then. Here, I have a job for you. Take these papers," Hank said handing the boy over a hundred pieces of paper stacked in a pile. "These are what we have named the call sheets. See this time and date at the top?" He asked as Liam looked an nodded. "I want you to put the most recent ones at the front, and go back from there so that the last one is the one from the longest time ago. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Liam said taking the sheets into the main office with him.

Adam had been at the door watching. "Don't we just throw those out?"

"Yep."

"So he is literally just shuffling papers?"

"Yep."

"Genius." Adam said smiling.

Liam had taken his project to a small work table against the wall. He tried to keep his focus on what was in front of him but he found himself sneaking glances at his father, who was at his desk, attempting to concentrate on his own work while sneaking glimpses at Liam. Jay looked at the papers in front of him and the statistics on the computer screen but only thought of all the things that could have happened to his son during his little escapade. The hardest part of being a single parent was having nobody to talk to about consequences or disciplinary tactics.

He really wished his mother was still alive. She was so excited when she found out she was a grandmother, but had such little time to enjoy it. She would have been a great wealth of helpful information and guidance. But he was all alone in this. Will was a decent sounding board, but had no specific experience and was honest enough to admit it. Their tiny little family did the best it could, but sometimes it felt adrift.

"I finished," Liam said shaking Jay from his thoughts. "The papers Sarge gave me to do—I finished."

"Okay. Give them to him and then come back to me unless he has another job for you."

"Okay. Um, I mean yes sir."

Jay gave a weak smile as he watched his son slowly walk to Voight's office. Sometimes the kid reminded him so much of himself at that age. Finding at times there was a hesitancy while taking the world on, while other times the world just didn't seem big enough.

"I'm done Sarge," Liam said as he peeked around the door to Voight's office.

"Bring them here," he asked as he reached out for the stack of papers. He flipped through several looking to see if the boy had done what he had asked and after seeing enough of a sample that he was certain his orders were followed he dumped the entire pile into the trash can.

"What'd you do that for?" Liam asked, his eyes big and mouth open.

"Because I don't need them anymore."

"Then why did I sort them? If there was no reason, why did you make me do it?"

"There was a reason. Can you tell me what it might be?" Hank asked as he sat back in his chair.

Liam stood mute for a moment trying to process that the job he had taken over an hour in accomplishing was now sitting, fanned out and jumbled in the bottom of a plastic can. He knew having a fit would get him nowhere, Sarge wouldn't put up with that and it wouldn't make his dad look good. And he didn't think his dad could take anymore crap today. So, he stood and thought until something that made sense came to him.

"Because you told me to?"

"Exactly—it is important to do what you're told. It can be the most important job. Just think if these guys didn't follow orders—do you think we'd get anything done? Do you think we'd get the bad guys?"

"Probably not."

"Probably not, is right. We all have a job to do and your job is to go to school, follow the rules and listen to your father. Can you do that?"

"Sure I can, but I'm just not sure I will—at least not all the time." Voight's eyebrows raised up. "I'm just being honest. I'm going to try, I really am, but I'm just a human kid."

"Yes you are just a human kid. And being honest is a very important thing to be. But I want you to try really hard to what you're supposed to."

"Okay," Liam sighed.

"Why don't you go see if your dad has any work or anyone else in the office."

"Okay," Liam repeated.

By the time they left that night Liam had dusted the entire office, helped Sargent Platt by emptying a bunch of folders and recycling them, filling up all the staplers and writing out I will not skip school until it filled up an entire sheet of paper.

As they pulled up to a nearby Chinese restaurant Liam looked over at his dad. "Why are we here?"

"I thought we could get some dinner and take to Uncle Will at the hospital. What do you think?"

"I think that's a great idea." Liam agreed.

It had been rough day and once they got home it would probably become bumpy once again, but right now Jay needed a break and Liam needed a distraction. So they went in and ordered, Jay marveling at his son's choice.

"You really prefer tofu to chicken or beef?"

"Yeah. It just tastes like the veggies and soy sauce."

"Your choice, I guess."

"It reminds me of mom," Liam said so quietly that Jay nearly missed it. He wanted to say something but had no idea what so he kept quiet.

They tracked Will down at the hospital and he was able to take his dinner break. Jay had called before leaving the district to ensure they had a good chance of the timing would match up. They went to the doctors lounge where there was some privacy and they wouldn't get dirty looks from the cafeteria staff for bringing in outside food.

"So you were out traipsing in the old neighborhood," Will said as he chewed his lo mein.

"What's traipsing?" Liam asked as he stabbed a piece of broccoli.

"Wandering, strolling. What did you see?"

"Not much. Houses, some seemed kind of tired and old."

"Just like you're making your father," Will teased. Liam was tired of apologizing so he just kept eating. "I took care of a boy today who said you saved him."

"Vaughn is here?" Liam asked.

"Yes he is. Your dad thought you might want to say hi."

Liam looked over at Jay and gave a tight smile. "I'd like that. Is he okay?"

"He will be. We're keeping him overnight for observation. He suffered a concussion, some bruising and severe ankle sprain. But he'll recover. His parents were very relieved and they all thought it was pretty cool that his savior and his doctor were related."

"Yeah, small world," Jay commented as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Finish up and we'll go see him. But just for a few minutes. We need to get home."

As Will and Jay stood outside Vaughn's hospital room they watched Liam talk to his new acquaintance like they had been friends forever. Liam's pale exterior nearly the polar opposite of Vaughn's darker tone. His parents a mix of shades, Liam fascinated with the mother, Yvonne's braids and the beads they held. They both hugged him and expressed their gratitude of his bravery, which Liam humbly stated was no big deal. Before coming up to the room, they had stopped and bought a jigsaw puzzle of the Chicago skyline to give the boy something to do after his parents left for the night.

"I think he likes the puzzle," Will said as he looked in. "You doing okay? You look exhausted."

"I am. I suck at this."

"Suck at what?"

"Parenthood."

"We are not going to have this conversation again. Raising kids is tough. We barely made it and we had two parents."

"Did we? Have two parents. It didn't often feel that way."

"Jay." Will sighed. Neither he nor his brother had an especially great relationship with their father. But in retrospect Will felt their dad had tried his best, it was just that his best didn't often hit the target.

"So much could have happened to him today." Jay said.

"But it didn't and he really helped that little boy in there."

"Yeah. I'm glad he did. But part of me is afraid that he thinks it was what he was meant for—his duty for the day. And it might feed even more adventures."

"He still uses Bridget's catch phrase?"

"Yeah," Jay said, not quite ready to share his latest news concerning his ex. "It's just that I feel like I'm 5120 George more than I'm Jay or Dad," he said speaking of his radio handle. "I hate that feeling, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm a cop, I was a soldier, now I'm a cop and that's what fits me. I just can't imagine doing anything else. Most people do a job, but you're a doctor and I'm a cop, it's who we are."

"It's what we were meant for." Will said with a slight smile. "And you're a dad."

"Yeah. That's the struggle. It's hard being both, having time for both."

"He's proud of you." Will said nodding in Liam's direction. "He says your job is getting the bad guys and that you're really good at it. That you protect the city. Even when you're gone a lot, he'll say it takes time to get them all because there are so many, but you will keep working at it.

"I think he checks the online newspapers and news feeds, though he wouldn't admit to it." Will said as he looked at his nephew.

"Remember when we cleaned out dad's apartment and I found those articles I never knew he had?"

"Sure do. He was proud of you too."

"I brought them home and then I couldn't find them. One day when I was going through some of Liam's stuff that he had outgrown, I found them in one of his big picture books."

"See. He may fuss when you're working late, but he's proud of what you do. Life is messy, difficult, frustrating, horrifying, joyous, and a million other adjectives, but you are lucky enough to share it with someone who loves you more than anything."

The ride home was quiet especially after Liam dozed off, his long day catching up with him. While they were stopped at a red light, Jay looked over at his son, the streetlight offering up a halo around the face that mirrored his own. He worried about the past, the present and the future. But he was doing his best and he hoped that together the two of them could face and overcome anything that was in their path. But he also knew it wouldn't be easy.

Once they were home Liam dumped his backpack by the door and tossed his sweatshirt on top of it. "I don't think so kiddo. Take your stuff to your room and put it where it belongs and then come back out here." Jay instructed.

Liam sighed, but did as he was told, coming back into the room a moment later. "Did you put your sweatshirt away?"

"Sure," Liam lied. But Jay let it go. There were bigger things to talk about. "Are we going to talk about my punishment?" He asked.

"You bet we are. Come over here and sit with me." He said patting the couch, trying to convince himself that he had to be a father and not a friend. "What you did today was pretty serious. Do you understand that?"

"But I was fine and I helped Vaughn," Liam argued.

"Yes you were and yes you did. But what happened to Vaughn could have easily happened to you. You didn't know the neighborhood or anyone in it. I had no idea where you were. What if you had gotten hurt or your phone stolen." Liam just shrugged. "Put yourself in my shoes. I get a call saying you aren't where you're supposed to be and nobody knows where you went. You're phone is off, I have no idea that you voluntarily turned it off due to your battery, which by the way is a huge indiscretion. You know the rules about your phone."

"Yeah. I'm supposed to have fully or almost fully charged every morning."

"How come it wasn't?"

"I forgot."

"I think it's because you were playing games on it all evening and never got it charged. Am I right?"

"Maybe." Liam admitted. "Are you mad at me?"

"I'm disappointed in your choices last night and most certainly today. I am proud that you helped that boy, but you had no idea what you were getting into. You could have walked right into a trap, do you understand that?"

"I guess."

"You should have called 911 before going down into the basement alone. If it was a false alarm, it would have been an honest mistake not an abuse of the system." Jay said as his mind returned that day where he pulled a dead ten year old boy from a trunk, a boy who had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, just like his son could have been. This was a memory that would never leave him and affect him always.

"Okay. What's my punishment?" Liam asked breaking up Jay's thoughts.

"First, I was informed by the school that you have detention Friday and Monday after school. At home you're grounded for two weeks. No TV, no tablet, no laptop except for homework, no phone once your home and no friends over or going to their houses."

"Two weeks?!" Liam gasped. "That's forever."

"You should have thought about that before you took off this morning. I'm not taking this lightly. Plus you will have extra chores as well."

"But Tyler's sleepover is tomorrow night. I have to go."

Jay blew out a mouthful of air. Tyler lived two blocks away and was in Liam's class at school. His birthday had actually been two months ago and his mother had planned a sleepover party. But Tyler had been diagnosed with Leukemia last year and hadn't been doing well lately. He had spent his birthday in the hospital, canceling his party. But he had been feeling better and the party was scheduled from Friday evening until Saturday at noon. They had spent a lot of time searching for the perfect gift and found a building kit that was great for the budding architect that Tyler hoped to become if he lived that long. The boy would be heartbroken if Liam didn't come.

"Okay. I'll let you go, but this is for Tyler not for you. You'll owe me either an extra day or extra chore."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I think you're getting off easy."

"Easy? No way, this sucks!"

"It's supposed to son. Don't you remember that talk we had when you hid from Adam? When you hid from me at the zoo? How adults have to know where you are? When you skipped school, I had no idea where you were or if you were okay. We agreed that it couldn't happen again, and then you took off today for several hours, and it was completely unacceptable."

Jay thought back to when he was just a little bit older than Liam and had skipped his afternoon classes. He probably would have gotten away with it as far as his parents were concerned, but he made two fatal errors. First, he had forgotten about a doctors appointment that afternoon, and second, he had gotten home after dark. His mother had been fretting all afternoon and evening about his absence. He was supposed to meet her after school and go to the appointment, but he failed to show up, both frustrating and terrifying her. Her anger and anxiety trading off and on until his father came home from work and absorbed her emotions and turned them into his own brand of trepidation.

Once Jay had gotten home after a rebellious fun-filled, preteen day, believing he and his friends held the world in their hands, he was quickly reminded that he held nothing, not even his own fate in his hands. He walked into the house and was met with a look of relief and a hug from his mother and a look of sympathy and dread from his brother. He could hear his father yell and lumber his direction all the way from the kitchen and he knew his fun times had ended. He was met with a barrage of indignity and promises of retribution for putting them through a very difficult evening. Then the retribution came.

"Dad. Dad," Liam said interrupting his thoughts. "So I can go?"

"Yes. But like I said, it's for Tyler not you. I'll be picking you up at ten instead of noon and your grounding will start then."

"Fine," Liam huffed, crossing in arms in an attempt at defiance and disgust.

Jay sat still as Liam kicked at the coffee table. Voight was right, Liam deserved to know the truth about his mother. He had planned on waiting a little bit longer as he wanted to check out the one small lead he had, but if he didn't talk about it now, he may never get up the courage again.

"Liam, I have to talk to you about something."

"About skipping school?"

"No. Something about your mother."

The boy sat up straight and looked at Jay, his blue eyes wide and hopeful. "Is she back? Is she coming home? I can't wait to tell her I've read Charlotte's Web a bunch of times all by myself and I did my book report on it."

Jay did his best to smile, but it fell short of anything approaching joy. "No. I'm afraid not."

"How come? Why not?" The disappointment had quickly filled the place that had just held hope and happiness.

He had done his fair share of death notifications and hated each and every one of them. You were telling someone the very worst news that they could ever hear. Their lives would forever be changed by the words that were about to come from your mouth. You would then walk away, return to your life and leave them forever broken. But now there would be no walking away. He would be as deeply immersed in this proclamation as his son and his heart was already splitting in two.

"A friend of hers tracked me down a couple of days ago and we had a talk. He told me that your mom—he said that she had died. There was an accident and she didn't make it."

Liam stayed silent, his gaze frozen and locked on Jay's face. It felt like everything had slowed down as if they were in a cartoon, where the character was running over empty space but not yet falling.

"How?" Liam finally asked.

"A building that she was in collapsed." Jay said, leaving out the explosion.

"In Chicago?"

"No. Ireland. She had gone back there to take care of some things and they took longer than she thought and then—then it happened."

"When?" Liam asked with no emotion in his voice.

"I'm not sure. But that's why she hasn't come back to you. Because she can't."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I don't know. I can't tell you how or what to feel. Just know that I'm here if you want to talk about it. And I'm really sorry."

"Sorry for me but not for you? You never cared about her did you?"

"That's not true. I did care for her," Jay said. He thought back to his conversation with Voight earlier that day and admitted that the man was right, he did care for her than he had ever conceded. He pushed the memory of his feelings away, because it was just easier to deal with.

Liam jumped up and banged against the coffee table, sending the matchbox cars that he had assembled there the previous night after an epic police chase, crashing to the floor. "No you didn't love her, you hated her and you hate me because I came from her and I hate you. I hate you!" The boy screamed as he ran to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Jay stood up, his emotions tight and twisted, like a sheet that had been caught in the wind, tangled and unable to shed its wrinkles. He didn't know what to do or say. Should he check on Liam or would it be better to leave him alone. His muscles were already aching as his sorrow gripped his entire being. He breathed quickly through his nose as if trying to prepare himself for an adrenaline rush. He mashed his lips together as the tears formed at the corners of his eyes. Liam was ten years old and may not want his father, but he needed him, so Jay took a step towards the boys bedroom door when it opened and his son rushed out of it and into his arms.

Jay lifted up his sobbing son and held onto him tightly apologizing for the way life had treated him and soothing him that it would eventually be okay. After a few minutes Jay, still holding Liam sat down on the couch. "I don't hate you." He sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay. I know you don't." Jay said.

"But you have to promise me something," Liam managed to say through his tears.

"What's that?" Jay asked, fighting his own feelings.

"You can't leave me. You can't die and leave me, ever." Liam said falling back into sobs.

Jay had no answer so he just hugged him even tighter.

_Soundtrack: _

_Scratch the surface by Forest Veil as Jay and Liam sit on the couch to discuss Bridget. _

_A/N~I hope you are doing okay out there during this difficult time. My mind has been a bit distracted as of late with everything going on. I do live in Illinois and we are an hour from being under a shelter in place order. My job is considered essential at this time, so I'll have that to look forward to...who would have ever thought that?LOL. But sincerely, be careful and stay well my friends._


	12. Donuts With Dad

Donuts With Dad

That morning as Jay ran, he kept a close eye on Liam who was weaving his way back and forth across the sidewalk in front of him on his scooter. They were both exhausted after the previous day and evening. It was after midnight when Jay had woken up, and found he was still sitting on the couch with Liam, who was asleep and still pressed against him. He managed to stand up while holding the boy and carried him to his bed. He laid him down and pulled his shoes and pants off and tucked him in, Liam never stirring. He then undressed and climbed into his own bed where his mind began to tour an endless cycle of what the last week had brought him and what it all meant.

Now as he ran, his mind floated, information and emotions seemed to be like clouds, he could see them but when he reached for them they were of no substance. He had gone over the conversation that he had had with the elder Liam, trying to figure out what was nagging at him. There was something there, something had been said or unsaid that he needed to find what it was. But at this point it seemed too late and, well, pointless. He was sure the man had left town by now, nearly a week later.

"Get in the shower. I'll throw some clean clothes in the bathroom for you. Hurry, we're running late." Jay said once they had arrived back at the apartment.

"We didn't have to go out this morning," Liam whined as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Don't you feel better and more energetic now though?"

"I guess," he said as he swung the door closed.

Jay had taken time as they prepared to go outside to see if Liam was up for the day. The conversation the night before had taken so much from both of them. But sitting around the apartment, lost in thought seemed worthless. He knew if his focus was elsewhere he would be the better for it and he hoped Liam would be too.

Now he rummaged through the drawers for something that Liam wouldn't argue about as he heard the shower turn on. Ellie often did the laundry while she was babysitting despite the fact that Jay told her she wasn't responsible for their clothes. But she would just smile and tell him she didn't mind helping and feeling useful. Well, he was surely doing his part at making her feel useful. She watched Liam quite a few hours and often had no idea when he would relieve her. She even went to his last band concert as Jay didn't get home in time to take him, but he did manage to get there to catch the last two songs. He finally found one of his favorite pair of jeans and a long sleeve Bears t-shirt that shouldn't elicit any arguments. He grabbed some socks and underwear and made his way to the bathroom and pushed the door open. "Here's your clothes. Is there anything in your backpack that I need to see or sign?" He asked as he had gotten home late two nights before and never even looked. Neither did he check last night, given an extra day since Liam had eschewed the entire school day.

"I don't know. I don't think so," Liam shouted back.

"That means probably," Jay said to himself as he picked up the bag and dumped it out. Liam wasn't the most organized ten year old on the planet. Some papers were in their proper folders, but others floated out onto the bed along with assorted pens, pencils a few coins, rubber bands and paperclips. He looked at the loose papers, some were graded, some appeared to be study guides and there was a flier that had been chewed up by days and days of being harassed by books, folders and a lunchbox. He pulled it out and looked at it carefully. He looked at his watch and realized the date was today.

"Hey," he yelled as Liam walked into the room, hopping as he tried to put his socks on as he walked.

"You don't have to yell, I'm right here." He said as he sat on his bed to finish dressing.

"This is today? Why didn't you tell me?" Jay asked as he held up the Donuts with Dad flier.

"Because I didn't think you could come and I guess it would feel better if I never asked you than say you couldn't come when my teacher asked."

Jay checked his watch again and then looked back at the paper indicating the time allotted was from 7:45 to 8:15. "If we hurry, we can still make it."

"Really?" Liam asked.

"Yes. Really. You pick out some clothes for me while I get in the shower and get your backpack put back together and make your lunch and be ready to go."

"Deal," Liam said smiling as he shot off to Jay's bedroom.

Ten minutes later they sat in the idling truck at the stop sign at the end of the block while a song they both knew and liked came on the radio. It was a newer song that Liam had been working on with his drum kit and would sing around the apartment. Jay thought it was catchy and had inadvertently learned most of the lyrics. It felt like for once that things were coming together for at least a short time as they sang along, smiling as they made their way to the school.

"You can't park here," Liam said as he looked up at the tow away zone sign.

"Sure I can," Jay said as he put his police placard in the window allowing him to park pretty much wherever he wanted. He had thought about just walking to the school as he knew parking would be tough, but he needed to drive straight to the district after he left the school so he decided to take the truck. He typed a quick text to Voight explaining that he would be a little late. Usually he was given some slack, they all were as long as it wasn't habitual. Sarge would trust that the time was needed for a good reason and never pushed for an explanation.

"Your gun Dad. You definitely can't take your gun into the school."

"You're right about that." Jay said as he took it from his holster and locked it in the glove box. "Let's go."

They jogged to the school and went in the side entrance near the cafeteria, the hum of controlled chaos hit them as soon as they opened the door. The room was teeming with fathers and their offspring, some sitting, some jockeying for position in line and others already taking their leave. Despite the large numbers, there were still plenty of spots at various tables. They got their donuts, juice and coffee and found two spots across from each other. The staff was milling around, introducing themselves to any parent they didn't recognize. Jay was shaking the principals hand when a little girl with long brown hair came up behind Liam.

"Hi Liam," she said quietly.

"Hi McKenna," Liam said looking back at her. "Is your dad here?"

"He was going to try but I don't see him. He doesn't live with us." She replied.

"You can sit with us, can't she Dad?" Liam asked looking over at Jay.

"Of course she can."

McKenna clearly pleased with the offer sat down with her donut and milk. "Thanks."

"Maybe he's on his way," Liam said, clearly pleased that his father was already there.

"Are you in Liam's class?" Jay asked.

The girl nodded as she had a mouthful of food. "Yes." She said after swallowing. I sit behind him because my last name is Ingersoll."

"Well that makes sense." Jay said smiling.

"Were you sick yesterday Liam? You weren't in school."

"I, well, I just wasn't here."

"Oh," McKenna replied seemingly satisfied with the answer or lack there of. "My dad works in a big office building in the Loop. He does a lot of reports. I guess he had to go to work early."

"That's too bad." Jay said finishing his donut and wiping his mouth. "I'm sure he wanted to be here."

"My dad has to work a lot too. He gets home late a lot." Liam added.

"Do you work in a big building too?" She asked.

"No. Not a very big one." He said sipping his coffee as he tried not to check his watch. He watched the kids eat their breakfast and asked McKenna about their teacher and classmates, hoping to glean any information that Liam might not want to part with.

Several minutes later the principal announced that time was winding down and thanked all the fathers for coming out. Jay took the napkins and cups and ran them to the garbage can and came back to say goodbye.

"Are you still picking me up tonight?"

"I'm going to try. If I can't, Ellie will get you to Tyler's house. But, I promise you that I will do my best."

"What's that?" McKenna asked pointing to Jay's empty holster.

"That's my holster where I usually have my gun."

"A gun?" She asked her eyes wide.

"I'm a police officer," he said, pulling up his shirt so she could see his badge.

"But you don't look like a police officer. Where's your uniform."

"I'm a plain clothes detective. We just wear regular clothes."

"Wow. Cool. Do you ever shoot your gun?"

"Only when I have to. Okay, I'll see you later buddy." Jay said, not wanting to get into any details about shooting guns. "Is it okay if I give you a hug?" He asked as he looked around to see how other goodbyes were going. Liam shook his head and hissed no. "Fist bump?"

"Okay," Liam agreed sticking his fist out, meeting Jay's. Then Jay pulled him close and gave a quick hug and planted a kiss on the top of his head. "Dad," Liam complained, but Jay could tell that he wasn't really that upset. He had even toyed with saying I love you, but decided he wouldn't push it and risk totally embarrassing his son.

"See you tonight." Jay said before he turned and managed to weave his way back to the door.

At lunch, Jay wanted to keep the positive vibe going and texted Liam. _"Had fun this morning. I love you buddy."_

He thought for being grounded Liam was doing pretty good. Donuts with Dad, sleepover tonight. But he would have to be tough and keep his promise of punishment. Yesterday at this time he was nearly out of his mind with worry. He couldn't forget that. He had always made an effort at being reasonable with his expectations and disciplinary actions, but he also had to stay strong when it was needed.

When Liam was around three he had big tantrum disagreeing with whatever Jay had suggested and began yelling and kicking at the furniture. Jay knew the action he was about to take would lay the foundation for future reactions by both of them. He picked his son up and deposited him in the boys bedroom and told him to kick and scream all he wanted, but it would get him nowhere. Jay then walked back out to living room and grabbed the newspaper and ignored Liam who seemed somewhat bewildered by his fathers actions. He quickly quieted down and after several minutes he climbed up on the couch and buried his head into Jay and stared at the muted TV that was showing an infomercial about a ball you put in the dryer to reduce static cling.

The next effort Liam made in testing his father was in a store when Jay had the audacity to deny purchasing his son a candy bar the size of Michigan Avenue. When he had been told no, he proceeded to scream, "but I want it" over and over as loudly as his little lungs could expel air. Jay took only a moment to pick his son up and walk out of the store without looking back. He buckled his screaming, kicking four year old into his car seat and drove home, ignoring the screams and tears. Once back home he put him in his room and when Liam attempted to bring his havoc into the living room, Jay calmly picked him up and deposited him back into his room.

"I want to play army men," Liam yelled as he came out looking for his little soldiers.

"Only little boys who can behave get to play," Jay said looking over at the wreckage from the battle they had been engaged in earlier, where the rangers had come in and taken all the bad guys to another camp where they were would live until they agreed to stop being bad guys. If only life was as simple as a four year old could make it out to be.

"I can behave," Liam offered, hanging out in his doorway.

"I know you can, which is why I was so surprised when you didn't when we were at the store."

"But I wanted the candy." He sniffled.

"But sometimes we can't get what we want. But screaming and having a fit will never get you what you want, not with me, not now, not ever."

"Can I play?" Liam asked stepping further into the room.

Jay sighed and tried to think about what his mother would have said or done. But he was at a loss. "Not now I'm afraid. When you behave you get to do things, fun things."

The answer brought about another full-fledged tantrum, breaking Jay's heart, but he had to stay strong. He dealt with teenagers all day long that hadn't been given any discipline until it was the police giving it. His son had to learn consequences now or he would be learning them later, and not by someone who loved him.

"I am behaving," Liam screamed.

"No you are not."

"I want to behave," Liam said, changing his argument.

"That's great. You can start right now."

"Can I play?" He tried again.

"What did I just tell you?"

"To behave and I am!" Liam yelled, stamping his little foot.

Jay got up and went over to his son and sat down on the floor in front of him crossing his legs. Liam plopped down and copied him sitting just across from him. "When we were in the store, you didn't get what you wanted and what did you do?"

"I told you I wanted it!" He said in a loud voice.

"Yes you did. But I had already said no and I wasn't going to change my mind. It's okay if you still wanted it, but the way you reacted was unacceptable and that's why we left. You aren't ever going to get what you want by behaving like that. Good boys get rewards, bad boys get punished.

"Am I a bad boy?" Liam asked his head in his hands as his elbows propped them up.

"No. But today you acted like one. So do you get rewarded?"

"No," Liam said shaking his head. "But I am going to behave now," he said with hope.

"I am so glad to hear it," Jay replied, happy that his son was following the discussion. Liam was a bright kid, but he feared it had gotten a little advanced as the conversation had gone along. Jay still struggled with some of the intricacies of communicating with a preschooler.

"So we can play?"

"No. I'm sorry. You see when you do something wrong, even if you're sorry it still has consequences."

"What's consequences?" Liam asked, jumbling up the word making it sound like conzkwenzes.

"It means that even if you behave now, what happened earlier still matters and it is affecting what happens now." Liam still looked confused. "Okay, say I find a bad guy who took something that didn't belong to him and he used it and broke it and the person he stole it from doesn't have it anymore. Now the bad guy gets caught and he says he'll never do it again and maybe he won't, let's say he doesn't, but does that make it okay that he took something that wasn't his?"

Liam seemed to think about it for a minute. "No, because the person doesn't have their toy and it's forever gone and broken."

"Exactly. Because the bad guy's actions mattered and can't be totally erased."

"Like a mistake with a pen," Liam chimed in. "You can't erase it, just scratch it out. You can still see that it happened."

"Right. We can't pretend it didn't happen. So what happened in the store earlier still happened, and I can't forget that. It's going to affect you tonight too. So next time you think about having a fit to get what you want you'll remember that you didn't get your candy, you didn't get to stay in the store and you didn't get to play tonight.

"Now, do you think it was worth having a fit about the candy?" Jay asked.

Liam sat for a moment. "No. I want to play with you Daddy."

"I want to play with you, but your actions made it so we can't. Do you understand?"

"I'm sorry Daddy." He said climbing into Jay's lap. "You punished yourself too."

"I did."

"Because of what I did."

"Yes. Because of what you did."

Jay snapped back to the present as his phone chirped. He didn't know if the lesson was completely understood, but it would seem that Liam had learned a lot that day. But it also appeared to be time to remind of him of consequences. In other words, Jay had to stay as strong now as he had six years ago.

Jay swiped his screen to see a thumbs up sign from Liam. He hadn't been sure what to expect as a response, but he had been hoping for a little more. He had looked at his watch before he had sent the text, knowing that Liam could freely use his phone during lunch. But perhaps he was eating, or playing or just talking. Or maybe, this was all he had to say.

But before Jay could think too much more about it his phone lit up again, taking him back to the message thread he had just left. _"I had fun,"_ along with a smiley emoji and then, _"I love you too."_

He couldn't help but smile and was grateful that today had been a much better day than he could have ever anticipated, it would give him something to cling to for what awaited him tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Back Foot by Dinosaur Pile-up ~ Jay and Liam sing it in the truck

A/N ~ Sorry about the break last week...I have quarantine brain and needed some down time. Focusing at work drains me. Stay safe all!


	13. Love Hurts

Love Hurts

Jay had gotten to the after-school pick-up well before the cutoff time and took Liam home for a snack and to pack his overnight bag. He debated about asking how he was doing, but the boy looked fine. It was clear he was focusing on his evening ahead, but Jay knew the loss would catch up with him. The words spoken and the tears lost the night before would hit home and it would be messy. Jay knew his own struggle when he lost his mother as an adult and couldn't imagine the loss his son was feeling right now.

Despite his son pulling away in his rush to get inside to the party that night, Jay hugged him just a little bit tighter, moisture rising up to his eyes and attempting to take hold. But he blinked them away and told his rapidly disappearing son he would see him tomorrow morning. Now he was walking down the hall on the softest, most plush carpeting he had ever had the pleasure of putting his feet on. He had no idea why he was here or why the adult Liam was still in Chicago. He had told the tale he was sent to deliver, what could possibly be keeping him in town. Jay had followed the license plate number to the rental car company and using his badge got the local information for its occupant. He should just turn and walk away, but he couldn't, not just yet. He had finally realized what had been bothering him from his conversation with Liam James and he couldn't let it go.

As he knocked on the door to room 1119 he wondered how the man could afford such luxury. A room like this would easily be up to three hundred dollars a night. Set in the heart of the Loop, near the L station, but not too close. It was near the river and walking distance to so many sights, it demanded and got top dollar. He had been running the questions through his head all day, but when the door opened he forgot everything for the last person he ever expected to be behind that door opened it wide and invited him inside.

His eyes blinked back the betrayal in front of him. He was speechless and so focused that a herd of elephants could have trampled through the room and he wouldn't have reacted or noticed.

"Hi Jay, how are you?" She asked as she stepped back to allow him inside the room.

He just stood there, like an awkward teenage boy asking a girl on a first date. He finally licked his lips and found his voice. "I thought—I thought—"

"You thought I was dead?"

"Yes. I told Liam last night. We both cried for you." He said as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"Is he here?" She asked looking towards the door as if Jay had just left their son in the hallway.

"No. I dropped him off at a sleepover before I came. Tell me why. Why the lies?" Jay asked, his face twisted in anguish and confusion.

"I had to leave and I didn't want Liam to think that I abandoned him."

"But you did—you did abandon him. How could you do that to him? To me?"

"I didn't want to, I had to. I was going to put you in danger. Everything my brother told you was true. My father wouldn't stop looking until he found me. I was afraid he was getting too close, I couldn't risk Liam or you getting hurt or worse.

"How did you find me?" She asked suddenly realizing that she had indeed been found.

"I'm a detective, it's what I do."

"Of course," she nodded. "Nice place huh? Found my dad's secret stash before I killed him. What made you want to speak with Liam again?" She asked, tilting her head to one side as if this was a normal conversation. But then she wrapped her arms around her body as if she was cold.

"I kept going over our conversation, what he told me, and I realized not once did he ever say the words that you were dead. I knew it might be nothing—but then again. It looks like my instinct that something wasn't right—was right."

"I hated to lie, but it would provide closure to you, to Liam. You both deserved that much."

"He deserves more than that, more than just me."

"I'm sure you're an amazing father." Jay looked uncertain as he gazed at the mother of his child, a woman he had once loved in some capacity.

"It took me over six months to come and meet him, see you again. What kind of _amazing_ father does that?" He said emphasizing the word amazing. "I put myself first, running all over town, being selfish, catering only to my needs. Drinking, partying, screwing. My son was less important than that for half a year."

"Yes, you had a great many demons, war will do that. You may still, but you battle them with such a big heart, a heart that loves with an enormous strength."

"How do you know? How do have any idea of who I am?"

"Because we were nothing but intimate when we were together and being intimate is much more than just sex. I saw beyond your surface. You let your guard down, allowed me in. I know who you are Jay Halstead."

"It's great that you want to believe that I have goodness in me. But I've caused so much of your pain, your loss."

"How do you figure that?"

"Your pain at having a child only to lose him is my fault. The last day we were together—" he paused looking at the wall, gathering the courage to tell her the secret he had held for over ten years, "there were no more condoms, I ran out, but I didn't say anything. I'm so sorry, I had no right." Jay said, his voice catching in his throat, his voice slipping into silence. He had kept the secret locked up tight until it slipped out a couple of days ago when he mentioned it to Voight. Now he had finally told the person who deserved to hear it.

Emma nodded, whether it was because she already knew or because it made no difference. She softened her face, and gently caressed his cheek. "You gave me my greatest gift. A miracle. When he was born, I was nearly at the end of my labor, the monitors started to beep wildly—he wasn't getting enough oxygen. He needed to get out of me immediately. I pushed so hard, while they pulled so hard. He had to get out of me." She repeated, lost in the memory. "Then there he was, but he didn't cry. I looked to see the doctor unwrap the cord that was wrapped around his neck twice. They whisked him away to the corner of the room, whispering madly as our son still did not cry. All I could think of was that couldn't be happening. It was so quiet, a quiet I have never heard since that day. Then he cried, the most beautiful sound in the world. He was meant to be here Jay. He was simply meant to be here. But unfortunately, I wasn't. But I always knew you were."

"How could you know that?"

"We all have instincts. You have good ones, as do I. The minute I saw you, I knew you held something within you that was good and would always be good. I entrusted you with my everything." Jay looked over, his face unreadable. "I knew he was yours, he was always yours. There was never a doubt." Jay nodded with uncertainty. "You were the only man I had ever been with."

Jay opened his mouth to say something to this revelation, but realized he had no reply, not one that was worthy. He looked back at her and then sat down on the edge of the bed.

"It may have taken you months to meet him after you returned from Afghanistan, but once you did—" she said, now her voice losing traction. "I knew when I saw your eyes, your face, as you held him for the first time, it would be fine."

"You did?" Jay asked looking up at her. "How?"

"Because I wore the very same look the first time I held him." 

Jay swallowed, sitting farther back on the bed. "How could you be so sure I'd come back to Chicago?"

"This was your home, you're third generation Chicago. And Liam was your son. Deep down you never questioned that. And I knew you wouldn't abandon him." 

"I only did the DNA test because my father insisted. I did it to make him happy. But I could never seem to ever make him happy no matter what I did. But you're right, I knew, I always knew."

"I agonized over the decision for months, but I knew I had to leave. You were bonded, Liam constantly asked me if it was Daddy day or Daddy weekend. He would insist on calling you every night to say goodnight, even if you couldn't answer."

Jay smiled at the memory. "Yeah, his tiny voice saying hello, telling me about his day, his words running together as if he didn't get them out fast enough they would disappear. If I couldn't answer, he would leave messages about whatever he could think of. But he would always end it with goodnight and he would say," Jay smiled at words still alive in his head, "'I love my daddy. Night, night.' And he would smack his lips together for a kiss."

"Imagine leaving that. The one joy of my life and I had to walk away from it. But knowing that you would take the very best care of him, allowed me to take the hardest step of my life. I was able to give him something that I never had."

"What was that?"

"A decent father, a small but loving family. Something I never had. I went back to Dublin in hopes of appeasing my father, to make him believe my expedition into the world was nothing but a silly folly. I wanted to keep him in the present, forget my absence had ever happened.

"I tried to live the life he wanted of me, for if I did, he would never know that I had left behind any trace of a life. But I couldn't do it. I immersed myself enough to gain his trust but stayed on the fringes when I could. I lied, I acted the part, but I think somewhere, deep down he knew it was a farce. He knew all about fraud. But I had still gotten enough trust that he followed me when I needed him to. I had always thought it's not a war if you never agree to play. I had never wanted to play, but he just wouldn't let go."

"What happened? The day he died?" Jay asked.

"I told him I had found a contact that he needed to talk to. Lured him into a building I had rigged with explosives—Liam had helped, between the two of us we knew enough. I had planned to die that day, I really had. I had explained to Liam that I wanted him to track you down and tell you everything."

"That you were dead."

"Yeah. But that part of the plan didn't go as expected."

"Did you want it to?" Jay asked as he cleared his throat.

"No and yes. I couldn't have what I wanted, what I had left behind. Even if I came back, you didn't deserve the disruption. I couldn't live my life looking over my shoulder, worry a constant in my life. Secrets so big that I would be worn down until I could no longer carry them. So, I had accepted my death."

"But."

"But I happened to be knocked under a pillar that had fallen over me. It kept the debris off. Liam found me. Got me out. I left the country by boat that night. Met up with him in Australia six months later."

"And your sure your father died?"

"Yes. His skull was crushed. I saw him, Liam saw him. He hasn't appeared. His funeral was held. His brothers are going after the scraps that he left behind, jockeying for power and position. There is no way he would have ever allowed that to happen had he lived."

"And what did they think happened to you?"

"Liam told them he had found my body and pushed it off the cliff and into the ocean that was near the building. He said it was out of rage and frustration. That I didn't deserve a proper funeral or burial for what I had done. All my uncle's cared about was that I was no longer there to demand a piece of the pie."

"But you are still afraid of being found? You're certain you can't stay?"

"It just takes one mistake, one wrong look in the right direction. I can't risk that. If anything happened to you or Liam—my soul couldn't bear it. I come back, get lax, everything I love is taken from me." She said, her accent, lulling Jay into nearly a hypnotic state. He recalled that night so many years ago when she caught his eye at a party. He had just gotten home on leave and wanted to relax but for him that meant getting drunk and wound up. She had been invited by a classmate who happened to be a friend of the host. Her face had a freshly scrubbed appearance that had been something wonderful for him after his weeks of training in the mud and muck. Her eyes bright, her hair thick and beautiful. But once she opened her mouth, once he heard her accent, her words, it was if she had forever entrapped him into her desires.

"Maybe one day," Jay said, uncertain if he was asking or it was just a wish he had said aloud.

She put her finger on his lips and then leaned in and replaced her finger with her own lips, her tongue probed, found its path and searched for more. She pushed him back down onto the bed, straddled him and began to pull at his belt.

Jay pushed her away and sat up. "No. I can't. I can't do this again. Those nights you would have me stay only to push me away the next morning."

"I'm so sorry. I was an addict and just needed a taste, but once I had it, I realized I couldn't, because once I started, I would only want more. And it wasn't fair—not to me, but most of all not to you. And here I am doing it again. I wanted the family, the white picket fence, the husband and child. Or the apartment, city streets, and a husband who was a police detective." Jay just sat there, digesting what she had said. "I just want to sleep, until everything goes away. My past, my present. My family in Ireland. My decisions. I waged war on everything and I lost everything, but you won't lose, I won't let you."

"But we did lose, we lost you. A father is supposed to protect his child from everything, but I couldn't protect him from this."

"And neither could I. This wasn't for you to battle. This war was mine." She said as she shifted her weight and sat next to him. "This is on me. My choices, my selfishness."

"No. I was a willing participant and bear some responsibility. A lot, actually. My slip, my error in judgment led

to his conception."

"And thank God it did. It was—"

"What I was meant for," Jay finished.

"What we were meant for."

"Are we safe?"

"Yes. I will always be watching, from afar mind you. But I didn't exile myself, kill my father and give up everything, to let anything happen to you. Don't let Liam know I'm alive. Let him continue to believe I'm dead, it's the greatest gift I can give to him."

"Your sacrifices were your biggest gift."

"Maybe so, but he doesn't need to know what those were. Just love him as much as you can. Raise him to be the man that you are."

"Hopefully I do better than that."

"I have faith that you will do right by him. In fact I have no doubt.

"I can run but can't escape, not totally, but my running can allow you to escape. It's the least that I can do. It's what I have to do in order to be right with the world." Jay nodded, understanding their roles. "Does he still look like you?"

Jay cleared his throat and blinked. "He looks like both of us. His hair is still blond with auburn highlights, his eyes are yours, and he's as stubborn as you are." He said pulling his phone from his pocket and stabbing at buttons before handing it over. "Swipe this way, he'll get older as the pictures go up."

Emma cried, a tear falling nearly at each picture as she touched the screen that held her son. "I named him Liam after my brother, a way to marry him with the one family member that I had a true relationship with, but James, wasn't so much after my last name, but after you."

"I didn't know that. I thought you had just liked the name."

"I loved the name because of who it was attached to. I wish I could see him, just for a moment. We leave tomorrow afternoon. I'd tell you where, but it's better if I don't."

"I have to go," Jay said as he took his phone back and stood up unable to handle any more emotional trauma.

"Of course. I'm sorry, sorry for everything. I loved you Jay, I love you now. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I pick him up from his sleepover at ten tomorrow morning. It's two blocks east of our apartment." Jay said as he turned and walked to the door. He placed his hand on the knob, but before he turned it, he spun around and went back to her and kissed her hard, before pushing her away and fleeing to the hallway where he leaned against the wall before sliding down to a sitting position and quietly sobbed.

_Soundtrack: Lord Huron The night we met When Jay first speaks with Emma_

_Greg Felden Incoming when Jay cries in the hallway_


	14. My Dragonfly

_A/N...this takes place during the time when Kim was pregnant but nobody knew other than Adam._

My Dragonfly

Liam carefully extracted his blue Nike's from the pile of sneakers that had been heaped into the corner of the living room. He shoved each of his feet inside the correct shoe and began to tie them as he looked over at the other boys as they began to shift and move inside their sleeping bags, their bodies beginning to realize, even after the late night that it was time to rise.

He knew his dad was coming for him earlier than the others. Part of his upcoming punishment for skipping school. He wanted to to be up and ready, as to not call any more attention to himself than he might already receive for the early departure. He had been lucky to be able to attend at all, and if Tyler hadn't been sick, he was certain he would have spent the night in his room, or scrubbing something in the kitchen with a toothbrush. He couldn't imagine what his father had planned for the rest of the day. Most likely errands and cleaning, topped off with a lecture. He knew they would talk about the news his father had dropped the night before last. But like true Halstead men, they had shoved it aside to be dealt with another day, despite the enormity of the subject.

He walked into the kitchen to find Brianna Litvac, Tyler's mother, stacking items on the counter. "Liam, you're up? Do you think you guys might want chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Sure. Sounds great."

"I know you have to leave early so I'll get some started so you can have a couple before your dad gets here." She said as she began to mix ingredients and heat up the griddle. "Oh, shoot, I wanted to get the paper before it has a chance to disappear." She loved getting the Tribune, she would read it cover to cover, her one guilty pleasure. She had begun the habit when Tyler first got sick, passing the time while waiting for appointments, treatments and hospital stays fractured her life and routine. But she found if she left it outside too long it would find its way elsewhere.

"I'll get it. I have my shoes on already," Liam said as he pulled his favorite Army Ranger sweatshirt on over his head.

"You are such a sweet boy. They usually put it near the front gate, or the bush by the gate." She said of the postage stamp sized front area.

Liam made his way outside, stepping out into a cool, cloudy morning, but somehow it still felt fresh and good. He looked at the brick homes all up and down the street. Some attached, some breaking apart for alleys to make a passage way from one street to another. Liam recalled the smile on Tyler's face as he opened the gift that he and his dad had picked out. He had even opened the box to get a better look at it. And his mother had said it would go well with the fast pass tickets he had gotten from Scott for the Tilt windows at the Hancock building.

Jay had promised to take him there to check it out ever since the ride had opened, but had yet to make good on that commitment. It would probably be forever before they got there, even though several of friends had already gone and regaled with him with tales of how cool it was to be so high up, looking so far down, while seemingly suspended in the air. Maybe he could talk Ruzek into taking him. Or Atwater. Probably Adam, he had that man wrapped around his little finger. Kevin was cool too, he had just taken Liam to the Chicago History Museum a couple of months ago. They had a great time as Kevin took great care in answering every question Liam had and didn't rush him or hold him back when they explored the exhibits. He knew the man had been responsible for his younger brother and sister at one time before sending them to Texas. His experience always had shone through when it came to the younger Halstead and Liam loved spending time with him.

Liam had unique relationships with each member of the team. Kim always looked at him with a gentle eye, listened intently to whatever he had to say and always encouraged him. Hailey always took her time with him, and like Kim actually listened to him and didn't brush him aside. He knew he could ask her tough questions and if she didn't want to answer, she would say so instead of lying. Liam also sensed that she was very good for his father, keeping him in line and on track as best as she could. He didn't know the new woman yet, he had only met her once. He did know he missed Antonio and Al. Al always made him feel like everything would be okay, no matter what turmoil was happening around Liam that was upsetting him at the time. Antonio had a gentle guiding way about him that Liam found so comfortable and comforting. He was aware something wasn't right with the detective before he left and he could only hope that one day he might find his way back to the unit.

He still missed Erin. He knew that she and his dad had been more than friends and wasn't sure what happened that made her leave. But Liam knew that it made his dad sad that she left the department and city. He also knew Hank Voight still missed her. Liam figured he was one of the toughest people he ever knew. The man had lost his wife and son, his grandson, and Erin, but still focused on everyone and everything else around him. But, then maybe that's why chose to look forward. Easier to look ahead at distractions than what was behind you and would only cause pain.

Liam knew that the man meant what he said and said what he meant. In fact he actually told Liam those very words. He knew if anything was wrong or if he was in trouble he could reach out to the Sergeant and assistance would come even if it meant paying the price later for a wrongdoing that got him in the situation in the first place. He knew that his dad and Voight had bumped heads before. He had overheard Jay on the phone with Hailey talking about how Sarge had chewed him out. It was the night that Liam had seen his dad in his room taking of his shirt and saw a huge bruise on his chest and stitches on the front and back of his side. The time when Jay assured his son he had simply fallen down the stairs having taken down an offender. But even then Liam had known it was a lie. He had been glad that his dad had been yelled at for being stupid and reckless. Sometimes even adults had to be reminded of the rules.

Liam stretched, holding his arms over his head and standing on his tiptoes. It was something he and his mother used to do when they first woke up. It was part of their morning routine. Stretch time, she would say and they would giggle as they stretched and tiptoed. He didn't think about her as much as he used to. He would ask his father all the time when she was coming back. At first he would say soon, then it turned into he didn't know. Then he decided to quit asking because every time he did, his father looked so sad.

He could barely remember what she looked like. She had had lots of pictures of Liam around the apartment, but none of her. He couldn't remember at all what she sounded like. She had talked differently than the other mothers and they had always said they loved her beautiful accent and asked where she was from. She rarely answered, instead moving the conversation elsewhere.

He missed her, but rarely said as much as his father would react in his soft and quiet way, meaning that he hurt more on the inside. He had a few memories of them together and they always seemed happy, rarely arguing. They seemed comfortable, the rare times that his mother actually seemed relaxed. But then she'd pull away and look tense and scared even though she tried to hide it.

Liam saw the paper sticking out from under the bush and went over and picked it up, brushing a leaf off as he turned to look at the headline, but it was folded up and secured by a rubber band. He looked across the street at a cat running down the sidewalk, gray and petite and scurrying to or from something. The cat was intent on its path until it pulled up and something blocking its path; a leg standing on its thoroughfare. Liam followed the leg upwards and saw it belonged to a woman. She reached for the cat, but it evaded her gentle hand and hurried on its way. She looked across the street and locked eyes with Liam. He felt the paper loosen from his grip and slip from his hand, falling on the sidewalk that led from the apartment to the street. He may have forgotten details, but he hadn't forgotten that the woman looking at him was his mother.

He didn't recall opening the gate, or moving towards the street, but suddenly he was across the street and a man had jumped in front of him. "Hey buddy, you should go back to your house." The accent clearly wasn't local.

"It's not my house," Liam said craning his neck to see around the newcomer. As the man sidestepped to continue to block his view he looked up at him. "You were by my house last week. My dad was talking to you. He said he thought you were a bad guy, but you weren't."

"I'm not. I promise you that I'm not." He said.

"Liam!?" Brianna Litvac yelled from across the street. "What are you doing over there?"

"I'm fine. I know this guy, he works with my dad. I'll be right there." Liam lied.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," Liam assured, mildly annoyed at the disruption.

"Okay, but two minutes, then come back." She yelled but she didn't immediately go back inside. She stood at her door and watched her charge with this man who managed to smile and wave, going along with his nephews lie.

When the elder Liam turned back around he found his sister staring face to face with her son. "I knew it was you. Dad told me you were dead. He just told me the day before yesterday. I thought he was lying, but he wouldn't do that to me—but I guess he did."

Emma, choked back a sob and grabbed her son and pulled him into a tight embrace. She allowed her tears to fall, soaking into his sweatshirt, holding him as close as she could. "Emma, you have to let him go. We have to go. You said you just wanted to be near him. We have to leave," he said looking back at Brianna who was pulling her cell phone from her pocket.

They had checked out of the hotel and were supposed to drive to O'Hare and wait for their flight. But Emma had threatened to take mass transit or Uber to follow up on Jay's offer as to where their son would be. Liam had agreed to drive as she said she would only sit in the car and watch the street, but Emma found she couldn't follow through on her promise. So close, but just not close enough. She had just wanted to be near him, perhaps catch a glimpse. She hadn't planned on this reunion. She was just walking up and down the block having no idea which home he was inside of, hoping that maybe she could see his blond head through a window. Then it would be straight to the airport. But then this happened and it had to be fate. The gods finally smiling down upon her.

Jay had walked outside to find Adam walking his way. "Hey bro. I brought back that socket set I borrowed last month. Oh, and this Lego set for Liam. It's the Hancock building and even has the tilt-out windows. Cool huh?" He said of the large box that was tucked under his arm.

"Very. But you have to quit spoiling him." Jay warned. "Those kits cost a fortune."

"I don't spoil him," Adam argued.

"New Bears sweatshirt last month, two comic books last week." Jay began to name items off.

"Reading is good for him and he's growing fast. I was actually hoping he'd let me help him put this together."

"Yeah, he'd love that," Jay agreed. "I still need to get him to the that tilt window thing. He had been nagging me about it, but has recently given up." He said realizing that probably wasn't a good thing.

Jay had spent many hours snapping together the little colorful plastic pieces, making monster catchers that would make the Ghostbusters proud, along with vehicles that could perform massive jumps and even fly, along with little villages of houses that Liam would import his green army men inside of in order to protect them. He had also stepped on many of those same pieces in the middle of the night in his bare feet finding that wasn't nearly as much fun.

"I'm about to walk down to his buddy's house and pick him up. Let's put this stuff in the apartment and you can walk with me."

"Yeah I'd like that."

As Jay locked the door behind him, having placed the kit that Adam had brought on the kitchen table Jay's phone rang. Adam walked ahead and opened the door, allowing Jay outside, his focus on his conversation. "Slow down and tell me again. How long ago? I'm on my way." He said as he hung up and shoved his phone in his pocket and breaking into a run. "Come on, that was Tyler's mom, she said Liam had gone out to get the paper for her and was talking to a man she had never seen before. When she asked Liam to come back inside he said it was someone that I worked with. She kept an eye out, but Liam ducked into the alley across the street and when she went to get him a minute later, the man was there but Liam wasn't.

Liam had just grabbed his mother's hand and ran. They went two blocks over, not even feeling the concrete beneath their feet. "We have to stop. We have to go back," Emma said coming to her senses.

"But I just found you. I have so many questions." Liam pleaded.

They had slowed to a walk, the L tracks above them. "I don't have custody of you," or any rights to you, she said silently in her head. "Without your father's permission, this is kidnapping."

"But you're my mom. He won't turn you in."

"Maybe not, but he won't know where you are."

Liam thought back to his sin of skipping school only a couple of days ago and knew that indeed his father would not be okay with this little disappearing act. But this was his mother and she was really here in front of him and he wasn't going to squander this opportunity. As his hands rested in his sweatshirt pocket they found his metro pass. He had stuffed it in there having used it on Thursday. Ellie had sewn a little pocket inside the of the larger one to keep it secure. He looked back at his mother who looked torn and grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the L stop only feet away from them.

"Where's my son!?" Jay screamed as he shoved the adult Liam into the brick wall of the alley. He had his arm at the man's throat and wasn't being gentle. "Where is he? What did you do?"

Adam was standing there, looking around, unsure exactly what was happening. "Dude, I don't know what is going on here, but you might want to take it down a notch." He said as he saw a woman walking across the street in their direction.

"Nothing. I didn't do anything. She was just supposed to look, to watch. You told her where he was. I tried to keep her close, but she wasn't having it. He saw her. They ran off. It wasn't planned, I swear. We don't have a passport or ticket for him, this just happened."

"What is happening?" Adam asked as he pulled Jay back who was fighting him. "Jay, come on man, let go."

Jay finally released the man who began to stroke his tender throat.

"Liam was talking to this man and then went into the alley. I came across the street to get him, but he was already gone, that's when I called you." Brianna stated, her voice shaky.

Jay was all nerves and adrenaline. "It'll be fine. Just go back home. You did fine," Jay instructed hoping she would just retreat. "Adam will walk with you." He said glancing at his co-worker.

Adam nodded but wasn't particularly thrilled with the assignment. He shot his friend a look, trying to convey the fact he would be right back and Jay needed to stay in control in his absence.

Jay boxed Liam in, but then pulled his phone from his pocket and found the tracking app. Unfortunately it showed that the phone was across the street in Tyler's house. "Dammit," he whispered. "Which way did they go?"

"That way," Liam pointed. "About five minutes ago. He came out early and just happened to see her."

Adam returned from his escort duties and looked to Jay for an explanation. "I'll explain on the way." Jay promised.

"On the way where?" Adam asked.

"To track down my son and his mother."

Adam remained quiet, but fell in step with Jay.

"Now this brings back memories," Emma said as she sat down next to the window on the train car. "Do you remember when we would just ride the L and point out our favorite buildings?"

"Maybe," Liam said, not giving a damn about what was outside the window now. "I knew that you would come back. I just knew it. Are you staying? Are you moving back?" He asked anxiously.

Emma smiled and realized as desperately as she wanted to be with her son, that this was a mistake. "I wish I could, I really do. I have missed you so much."

"But then why don't you come back?"

"Because I just can't. I want to, but it's very complicated. Tell me about how you've been."

"Is it because Dad won't let you back?"

"No. Not at all. Your father has nothing to do with it. Now, tell me what grade you are in. Who your friends are."

"I'm in fifth grade. I get mostly A's and B's. Dylan is kind of my best friend, but Dad won't let me play with him anymore because we get into trouble when we're together. But I have lots of other friends. I still play the drums and I pitch on my baseball team. Oh, and I'm still a vegetarian. It took Dad awhile to figure it out, but finally did." After I told him, Liam thought.

"Wow. That's great. Very impressive on all counts. You were just learning how to read and to tie your shoes when I left."

"I hit my first homerun last spring," Liam said excitedly. "It was a real homerun, over the fence and everything. Dad was even there to see it. He took me out for ice cream afterwards as a treat. And Mrs. Harris saw it too."

"Mrs. Harris?"

"Our neighbor. She knows Dad works a lot so she comes to some of my games. I wish you could come. Sometimes," he began, "sometimes I would pretend you were there too, watching me."

"You don't know how much I wish that could," she said realizing that this was a huge error in judgment on her part. Her presence was simply opening up a wound that she wouldn't be able to close. The shadows of what she had left behind, what could have been if she had been able to stay, were now out of the box and she had no way to put them back.

"Where did you go?" Liam asked solemnly.

"I had to go home."

"Ireland? Why?"

"Yes. Something I had to deal with."

"Did you fix it? Can't you come back now?"

"I wish I could, but this problem is a big one and isn't so easy to fix."

"But you're here now, why can't you stay? Stay with me?" Liam pleaded.

"Because sometimes, things aren't that easy. Believe me if I could stay I would."

"Then tell me why you can't." Liam demanded, his eyes tearing up.

"What does your dad do for a job?" She asked trying to distract her son.

"Basically, he gets the bad guys."

"Well, I have some bad guys that want to find me and I can't risk them finding you while they look for me."

"Why? Why do bad guys want to find you? Dad will stop them."

"I know he would try, but this is bigger than your dad could handle. And he shouldn't have to handle it, this is my problem not his, not yours."

"But it is our problem if it affects you."

"But I won't let it, because that is my responsibility. We need to get back. You're father will be looking for you."

"But we're not done talking yet. Why don't you want to talk to me? Be with me?"

"I want to be with you, forever. But Liam, he could arrest me for taking you."

"But you didn't take me, I took you. And he wouldn't do that."

She gently smiled at her son. She didn't really know what Jay might or might not do. Right now his child was missing, and he would have found out she was involved. She imagined his state of mind was a bit tilted right now. He was most likely conjuring up conspiracy theories and believed that everything she had said last night had been a lie. He had given her a gift and she had stomped all over it by stepping from behind the barrier of innocent observer to becoming a player in the middle of the game.

"Let's get off at the next stop and go back. That will still give us some time."

"No!" Liam replied, in the petulant voice that Jay hated.

Emma wasn't sure what to say or do. When he was five she could simply pick him up and remove him from whatever situation was happening, but he wasn't five anymore and that was no longer an option. So she tried a different tack. "You know that man you recognized by the alley, that stepped in-between us?" Liam nodded, still upset at the idea of returning to Tyler's house. "That's my brother, your uncle. And, he is the man I named you after."

"His name is Liam too?"

"It certainly is. And do you know where your middle name came from?"

"Him?"

"No, from your daddy. James is for Jay. You were named after my two favorite men." She said as the train slowed to a stop and she stood up and took Liam's hand in hers and directed him to the door.

"Do you still like him?" Liam asked as he allowed his mother to lead him from the train.

"Jay? Of course I do. I will always like him," she answered, thinking love was a better adjective. "Leaving wasn't very fair to him either and I'm so sorry for doing that to both of you."

"Then don't do it again," Liam implored as they walked down the stairs.

But Emma could only manage a weak smile as they navigated their way across the street to walk back up to the platform and make their return trip.

"Does she have a phone?" Jay demanded to know as he looked at Liam. The three of them stood near the L station that Emma and Liam had ascended not long before. "They probably took the L." Jay said looking at the stairs.

"It's in the car." Liam admitted.

"Fuck!" Jay yelled, beginning to lose it.

"It'll be okay," Adam soothed. "Liam won't leave the city. He won't go anywhere with her."

"You do realize how ridiculous that argument is right now don't you?" Jay asked as they looked up at the train rumbling overhead.

"I meant, more than a local trip. He just reacted to her. I mean come on man, he sees his mother for the first time after five years, of course he's going to want to be with her. Temporarily of course."

Jay was angry and frustrated at how stupid he had been. What the hell made him think it was okay to tell her where Liam was going to be. Of course she had already known where they lived, the elder Liam had proven that last week when had been watching his namesake work in a neighbors yard, but still, he handed Liam to her on a platter and had no right to be surprised that she had snatched him up.

"Was what she told me last night true?" Jay turned and asked Liam.

"Yes. She told me that you came looking for me. It's all true. I swear it." Liam stated.

"She seemed so distraught and I thought, I thought—hell, I don't know what I thought."

"You thought you'd be a decent human being, just like the man she fell in love with," Liam explained.

"If she loved me," Jay began, "if it was love, she would have been honest with me. We could have figured something out."

"There is no figuring this out man. She did what she did, because she loved you and Liam. It can't be changed, it was decided by generations well before us."

"Sins of the father," Adam said quietly.

"Yeah and the grandfather and the uncles." Liam added. "She took what she could into her hands, but she can't fix it, it will never be fixed. The life is too ingrained. She and I, we're the black sheep, failures in their eyes. It took her years to gain our father's trust, for him to believe that she was ready to take her rightful place in the family hierarchy."

"And then she killed him," Jay said quietly.

Adam's eyes grew large. Wondering what the heck was going on and who this mysterious mother was.

"She gave up everything, to save what she loved," Liam replied.

"See this," Emma said pulling her shirt up, showing her abdomen which bore a dragonfly tattoo as they sat down on the next train making their way back to the station.

"Yeah. It's pretty," Liam said.

"It's you," she said. "Dragonflies represent harmonious energies, brightness and joy. Whenever I see it, I think about you, your beautiful smile, your sweet and generous soul. You are my legacy and because of that I have given more to this world than I ever expected to."

"That's cool."

"It helps me when I'm sad—to think of you. Can you see right here, in this part of the wing?" Liam looked closely. "It has your initials, LJH." Liam just gave a weak smile at the deftly hidden initials woven into the lacy wings. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want you to leave me again. There has to be a way to stay. I mean you're here now."

"I know. My heart is breaking at the thought of leaving you again."

"So don't do it or at least tell me why."

She smiled at her son. "There are people who I know that I left behind years ago, they hate that I left them and won't stop looking until they find me."

"They won't find you here."

"They might."

"What will they do if they find you?"

"I'm not sure," she said, even though she was quite sure what their response would be. "But I can't take that risk."

"Did you do something bad?"

"No. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Like a witness?"

"Yeah, like a witness."

"They can put you in witness protection."

"But I still wouldn't be able to see you. And it isn't quite the same thing."

"But my heart hurts when you're gone."

"Oh, sweetheart. My heart aches too. All of the time."

"Why do the bad guys always win?"

"They don't always win. I got you."

"But not for very long."

"Nothing would be for long enough." She said brushing his bangs off his forehead. "You okay?"

"Dad is going to kill me," Liam sighed. "I'm going to be grounded forever."

"So I guess it's good that we're going back then?" Emma asked putting her arm around her son.

"Yeah. I skipped school on Thursday and now this." He said hanging his head.

"Why did you skip school?"

"I don't know. I wanted to explore. to see things, remember things. But I couldn't remember where to go and I ended up in Dad's old neighborhood. So I stayed to check it out. But I didn't know which street he lived on. Uncle Will had told me stories about how they used to ride their bikes all over the neighborhood until dark. Empty lots that they had played in."

"Tell me about your Uncle Will."

"He's cool. He's a doctor, a surgeon."

"Wow, that's special."

"Usually once a month on a Saturday he'll pick me up in the morning and we'll go to a museum or somewhere fun. Then we'll hang out at his place."

"That sounds great."

"It is. Sometimes Dad needs some time," Liam explained. "Plus the people who he works with take me places too. Kevin took me to a museum a couple of months ago. And Adam took me to this pumpkin thing. There were pumpkins everywhere, and at the end of it, we got to touch pumpkin guts," Liam said grinning.

"Ewww, pumpkin guts," Emma said smiling. "I imagine little breaks help your dad so that he has some extra energy so that he can have fun with you. It's hard to be a parent all by yourself."

"You did it."

"Not really. Remember that your dad would come pick you up on weekends."

"Oh yeah."

"Do you have fun with your dad or is he too busy or tired?" 

"We have fun. He plays with me. We ride bikes, go to the park. He plays army with me and Lego's and stuff."

"I'm so glad to hear that."

"He has bad dreams though. Sometimes he cries out in his sleep so I get in bed with him so he knows he's safe. I think he believes I'm having a bad dream and that's why I go to his room, but it's not."

"You are a good boy, checking on him."

"I think it was what happened to him in the war. And I think he sees a lot of bad stuff at work too. Sometimes when he comes home his face is funny."

"Funny?"

"Yeah, sad. Like it got all twisted up when he saw something bad and he couldn't fix it before he came home. Usually on those nights he spends a lot of time with me."

"He feels goodness and love when he's with you."

"He's just trying to forget," Liam said as the train screeched to a halt.

Emma blinked thinking she knew exactly how that felt.

Jay was still pacing, trying to decide what he wanted to do. "Okay, Adam, you stay here in case they turn around and come back to this stop. Liam, you and I will walk back and you'll go sit in the car while I'll camp out by Tyler's house. If he's not back in a half hour, I'm calling Voight."

"Who's Voight?" Liam asked.

"A force of nature. How long has he been gone? Maybe I should just call him now. I can't waste anymore time, I can't trust that she isn't heading to Union Station, she can travel a lot of places without him needing a passport."

"She won't. She just got caught up in the moment," Liam assured, his face both fractured and hollow.

"Jay, look," Adam said nodding up the street to where L.J. and Emma were heading their way.

"Thank God," Jay said jogging towards them. He took a knee and scooped Liam up into a hug. "What the hell were you thinking?" He finally asked when they parted. "What the hell were _you_ thinking?" He asked looking at Emma.

"Sorry. It was my fault. I made her go. I always pictured it in my head that one day she would be back and we'd be together and then there she was. I had my metro pass and made her go with me." Liam replied.

"Oh, you made her go."

"I'm sorry Jay. I shouldn't have let him take me away. I didn't plan for it to happen this way."

"Then what was your plan? You wanted him to believe that you were dead—kind of hard to do when you talking to him."

"To see him from a distance. I just wanted to see him from a distance."

"Why don't we head back towards the alley for a bit of privacy," Adam suggested as they were in the way of embarking and disembarking passengers. The commute to Saturday destinations in full swing.

Liam reached out to take his mothers hand, but Jay intercepted him taking it roughly in his own. He set a brisk pace that Liam's little legs pumped double time to keep up with.

"Jay, I know it's been a rough morning, but take a breath," Adam said. But he was just met with a glare as the group continued on.

Emma charged along to stay even with her son. She noticed Jay's grip and pace were much like the one Liam had employed on her, an action that left little time to protest or resist.

After a brisk walk they slowed up at the mouth of the alley where it had all began. "I want to say goodbye. You have to let me say goodbye," Liam begged.

Jay let go of his son who flung himself into his mother's arms. "I don't want you to go. Please don't go. Dad can help you fix what's wrong."

"I know that he would if he could. But this is complicated and so big that one person can't make it go away."

"But the team can."

"The team?"

"The task force Dad and Adam work on. It's the most—um—elite," Liam said remembering the word, "unit in the city."

"Impressive," Emma said as her eyes widened. "But they are needed here in Chicago and this is even bigger than the city. But, the best part is that he is here with you and will take the best care of you and I will think about you all of the time. And remember that we can talk with our heads and hearts."

"But that's not real."

"Oh, but it is, it is very real. I can always feel a tug at my heart when you talk to me."

"You can?" Liam asked as he let go of his mother and wiped his eyes with his forearm.

"Absolutely. I'll always be there, just where you can't see me." Liam looked confused. "Think of me like the stars. Just because it's daytime, doesn't mean that they aren't there."

Liam looked over at his mother for a moment before speaking. "This is Chicago, you can't see the stars at night either, you can't see them at all."

Every adult was caught off guard at what Liam had said and the silence began to stretch. "Well, you go home with your dad and know that you are the most loved little boy ever."

Jay grabbed Liam's hand again and pulled him back so that he was next to him. "No!" Liam yelled out, attempting to pull away from Jay who hung on tight. "Let me go. Let me go Dad."

"Hey kiddo," Adam said coming around and picking Liam up. "How about we head back to your place."

"No!" Liam yelled again, arching and pushing away from Adam.

"We should go," Jay said tersely.

Emma nodded as the trailed down her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't—can I have one last moment?"

Jay looked he wanted to do anything but agree but he nodded to Adam who put Liam down. Despite his words only seconds ago, the boy ran to his mother the two embracing one last time. "You be the best boy for your daddy. And remember that I love you forever and always."

Jay ran his hand over his face, his heart was breaking into pieces but he wasn't sure for who, his son, Emma or himself, or perhaps all three. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet and found what he was looking for and freed it.

Liam nodded his head rubbing against her and then let her go and turned throwing his body into Jay's, reaching up so that Jay lifted him up where he laid his head on his fathers shoulder as he wrapped his legs around the mans waist.

"Jay, I just couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't."

"I understand that feeling, I really do. But this isn't healthy for him," Jay said feeling his son's tears on his neck. He thought back to the time when he said the very same statement to Hailey when he had chased an offender and gotten shot for his troubles. He had been ordered to stand down, he was too emotionally involved, he had put his life at risk, he was a single father for gods sake, but he did it anyway—because he simply couldn't stop himself.

"Be safe. And if things change, we'll always be here," he offered. He looked at her shattered face as her body seemed to crumple. While holding Liam with one arm he reached his hand out to Emma. "Take this, it's this years school picture."

She nodded and looked down at the picture and was still staring at it as he turned and left, walking back down the street towards home. Liam lifted his head and gave a small wave as the distance began to separate them.

Adam helped them into the apartment since Jay's hands were still full with his son. He looked around the apartment as they entered. He saw a stray sock on the couch, a box full of matchbox cars, a knit hat on the floor by the door, a sweatshirt that was hanging over the chair, a remote control car on the floor by the couch, the remote nowhere to be seen, debris of a ten year old boy.

The refrigerator held snapshots, school lunch menus, schedules for drum lessons, a list of necessary items for an upcoming science project. On top of the fridge was a package of paper plates and napkins. There were glasses that had once held chocolate milk on the counter and the trashcan held wrappers and half eaten food. Bananas and apples sat in a bowl on the kitchen table next to the socket set and new box of Lego's that Adam had brought.

He walked over and saw the inside of Liam's bedroom, disheveled generic baseball sheets, with baseball bats, caps and stitched balls printed randomly. Two throw pillows sat shoved up against the wall, one for the Cubs and one for the South Side White Sox, a gift from Jay's father he figured. A royal blue comforter hung half off the bed. The desk had folders, papers and a cup with various pens and pencils. A small bookshelf held quite a few books and a few trophies, drumsticks and a practice pad. The sliding closet door was open revealing a few items on hangers and a cache of Nerf weaponry on the floor. There was a basket of clean clothes in the corner, neatly folded, no doubt left by Ellie. A huge bucket of building bricks was sitting near the desk. In the middle of the floor was a pile that had clearly been dumped from his backpack in preparation for his overnight necessities at Tyler's. It reminded Adam that they had never collected Liam's stuff from Tyler's house prior to returning home.

"Hey, I'll go get Liam's backpack from Tyler's and let his mother know everything is alright," Adam said.

"That'd be great. Thanks," Jay said, still standing just inside the door, seemingly uncertain with what to do next. Liam continued to cling to his father as if he was afraid what might happen if he let go.

Adam departed and was still trying to figure what the hell had just happened. He figured out easily enough that Emma was Jay's ex and Liam's mother, that she was from Ireland, had returned to the Emerald Isle and had apparently killed her father.

He had always thought that Liam looked like Jay, and he did. Looked, often acted like him too. But after seeing the other half that was responsible for the boy, he realized what a blend the boy was. He finally understood the blond hair with strands of strawberry, the startling blue eyes, the hesitant yet determined expression he often wore. It was as if their DNA had been put into a blender and Liam had poured out. But then that's how it went he guessed. Sometimes the child favored one parent more than the other and other times, the strands were shared more evenly. It made him wonder what his child might look like, if he ever got to meet him or her. His emotions swung wildly concerning the topic. He was excited, terrified and then wondered if it would all end in mourning. What was best—for Kim, for him? What was it like for her to make this decision? She would have to start her sacrifices immediately and that was huge for her, for all of them, its just the team didn't know it yet. And they may never be aware of what might have happened. What they had gone through privately. It could drive a person mad.

He knew Jay had his hands full. Liam's schedule, cost, demands, the man often worn out from the job had to throw himself into the ring with an energetic ten year old with an attitude. Working overnights, wondering how his son was sleeping, if he was upset because Jay hadn't made it home, was homework done, and would Jay make it home alive and in one piece. Did he think of his son every time they breached a door or pulled their weapons? What would it be like when Liam was a teenager, pushing the limits in ways only an adolescent can? What would be left of the man when it was all said and done? But clearly it was all worth it. A primal response and protective nature to love ones offspring. He saw it on the job and he saw it today, the mask of concern and fear that Jay had worn just two days ago and again in the previous hour. If his child was gone, then so was every good part of his life. It was huge, it was everything. But was it something he wanted or could handle? Would he rejoice if Kim said she was keeping the baby or would relief flood through him if she said now was not the time?

Adam picked up the backpack and assured Brianna Litvak that all was well, it had just been a misunderstanding. She seemed doubtful of Adam's excuses, but accepted them nonetheless.

Jay just stood and held his son, neither ready to let go. He swore he could feel Liam's heartbeat against his own. He loved this kid more than he could ever allow himself to admit, because if he did, he would be too terrified to move, to do his job, to do much of anything. He couldn't bear the possibility of losing him and he wondered if Liam felt the same for him, he imagined so as he just watched the gut wrenching agony his son had just displayed as he watched his mother walk out of his life once again. How would he react if Jay was lost and Liam had no parents left? What would be left for the boy? Of the boy?

_Soundtrack:_

_Trills Hush_

_Lindsey Stirling Roundtable Rival_

_Way Down We Go by Kaleo_

_Hackensaw boys Sun's work undone_

_I found love by Amber Run_

_2 Cello's Now we are Free..._


	15. Caught in a Loop Part I

**Caught in a Loop**

**Part I**

Liam shrugged his shoulders into his puffy black coat, bringing its warmth up to his neck, shielding it from the chill. He was supposed to be in the waiting room, and his dad was also supposed to pick him up, but of course, something had come up. Something always came up. The building behind him held a plethora of all things pediatric. Pediatric optometrist, dentist, orthopedist, pediatrician and child psychologist. Liam was there to see the latter. He hadn't wanted to go, but his father had left him little choice and Liam couldn't blame the man, since losing his mother again, he admittedly hadn't been very easy to get along with.

_Several weeks earlier_

"Dad, it's Dylan's last weekend before he moves. Can I go down to his house?" Liam asked, his voice on the edge of whiny.

"I don't think so," Jay said trying not to yawn. "Maybe he can come down here for a couple of hours tonight. You guys can watch a movie and eat popcorn." He had gotten up early, or late into the previous night, depending on your definition, to help with a drug sting and Liam had been up and running long before he got home.

"Sound good?" Jay asked as he sat down at the kitchen table with his mug of coffee, that really wasn't helping him at all. He looked down at the myriad of papers on the table and pulled out the one of interest he had been looking for. He had already known of its existence as Ellie had mentioned to him that Liam had tried to get her to sign it. "What's this?" He asked holding it up.

"Just what it looks like," Liam responded.

"Oh, I would so not take that tone with me right now." Jay warned, wishing his coffee would kick in.

"It's a test." Liam said stating the obvious.

"It's a test with a big fat D on it." Jay said turning the paper back towards him so he could confirm the grade. "A D-," he clarified.

"I forgot to study," Liam stated.

"I've seen your tests and papers when you forget to study and they usually have a B or C on them. Did you just randomly circle answers, pay attention to the questions at all? You know that I want you to work hard and do the best you can, but I've never pushed you beyond your capabilities, and this work is well within your reach."

"How do you know," Liam questioned. "You're never here."

Jay closed his eyes and let his head fall back, searching for the right words. But the coffee hadn't yet been kind to him and his patience was beyond thin. "Sit down," he said as calmly as he could. But Liam said he was fine standing. "SIT DOWN!" Jay demanded, his voice several octaves lower while the volume was noticeably louder.

Liam sat down, though in his own good time. He put his arms on the table and rested his chin on them. "It's true," he said quietly.

"We've been over it, we go over it. You know my job isn't nine to five and I am sorry it takes me away from you, I really am."

"But you're lucky to be on an elite police unit, the best in Chicago, you couldn't turn it down, cops would kill for your assignment, the overtime is important—yeah, I know. But all of that doesn't make what I said any less true. You can be gone all the time and I'm supposed to be okay with it, but I mess up on a test and it's the end of the world."

"It is not the end of the world and I never said it was. But this is unacceptable and you know that. Tell me what happened?" He asked holding the test up.

"I don't know, I didn't feel like taking it, didn't care."

"Why didn't you care?"

"Because it's stupid. I learn stuff so I can put it on a paper and get a grade and none of it really matters. Mom was here and gone again, like I don't matter. You go to work for twelve or fourteen hours a day like I don't matter."

"You do matter. Of course you matter."

"Then why did she leave again?" Liam asked, his head snapping up.

Liam of course didn't know the details of Emma's circumstances that Jay did. "One day, when you're older—it's complicated."

"That's what adults always say, it's complicated. But being a kid not knowing anything is pretty damn complicated too."

"Hey, watch your mouth!" Jay warned. Liam shook his head and Jay thought the boy had mouthed 'whatever' but couldn't be sure.

"You have to sign it—the test. I have to bring it back to Mrs. Singer signed on Monday and she'll give me some extra credit to work on to help with the grade."

"Which you will accept and do and do up to your ability."

"If I do, can Dylan come down tonight?"

"This does not make me happy nor does your recent attitude," Jay explained.

Liam opened his mouth wanting to ask how the man would even know, reminding Jay once again that he really hadn't been around much lately, but didn't want to hurt the possibility of his friend visiting so he remained quiet.

Jay's sixty hour weeks had blossomed into eighty at a time when they should have been settling down a bit as the colder weather had sunk its talons into the city. But in all honesty, some of those hours could have been left in other's hands. But part of him was afraid to go home, afraid to face his son and his questions of that day and the performance that had taken place down the street. The day his mother had left him again, but this time he had been fully aware of her desertion. It was like getting a band-aid ripped off twice, the first time a shock, reacting only after it was over, but the second time it was a drawn out advertisement, the pain simulcast in real time. How did one soothe that pain away? So it was just easier to pretend it didn't exist with hopes that it would somehow, some way blow over or blow away.

"So can he?" Liam asked again reminding Jay he was still in the middle of a conversation.

"We'll see. It's a possibility, but first you're going to clean up your room and get all your stuff out of the living room and put away—and I mean put away, not slung in your closet or shoved under your bed. Later, we're going to talk more."

"About what?" Liam asked as Jay got up and put his empty mug in the sink.

"I'm sure we'll find plenty of topics." Jay said as he went to his room. "I'm going to lay down for a few minutes, then we can tackle the rest of the apartment. He owed Ellie so much as she kept up on everything while he was at work and just left the very basics for him to polish at the end of the week. He decided that they couldn't move from the neighborhood until Liam was at least twenty.

Liam went to his room and began to try and put things in places that made sense. He didn't take much care in his efforts but the room did look better. What did it matter anyway—it was his room. He stepped back and figured it was good enough and went to see if his dad was ready for the next chore.

He walked out in the living area and then peeked into Jay's room to see him laying in bed, on top of the covers. He crept over to the couch and grabbed the tablet, playing a game for several minutes before putting it down and turning the TV on. He flipped through several channels but was interested in none of them. He left the set on and quietly walked over to Jay. He was laying on his back, his face slack, but what made Liam know that he was truly in a deep sleep was the slightest of all snores escaping from his lips. A noise so quiet that he had to practically put his ear to Jay's mouth. He was down for the count, no doubt about it.

"Hi Liam," Melissa Baker said opening the door, revealing a few pieces of furniture and lots of boxes. "It's great to see you, but does your dad know you're down here?"

"He said we could get together today since it's Dylan's last weekend."

"Okay. Yeah, we load up the last few things tomorrow. Dylan is sure going to miss you," she said as Dylan popped into view.

"Liam, you came!"

"Yep, no sweat. Let's go outside and take one last lap around the 'hood'."

"Sure," Dylan said grabbing his coat and hat. "I wasn't sure if your dad would let you come down or not."

Liam opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. This was their day, their adventure and he didn't want it ruined by anyone, especially his father.

Jay woke up slowly, peacefully, generally an uncommon experience for him. He hadn't meant to sleep so long, but had to admit he felt much better. It was nice now that Liam was older and didn't need constant supervision. He could take some time to doze off when he needed to catch up on sleep without too much concern. He heard the TV from the other room, so he didn't jump up to check on Liam. Instead he lay there, his mind filling with thoughts and doubts that his slumber had allowed him to escape from.

He had finally confided in Hailey what had happened with Emma, her return, her reasoning in why she had left in the first place and why she couldn't stay. Adam, of course knew what he had witnessed, but being the true friend he was, he had left it alone, allowing Jay the time and desire to explain further if he so wanted.

As he explained to Hailey, the reasoning as to why he revealed Liam's location to his mother, he wondered if in the end it was more about him than Emma. Had he really told her Liam's whereabouts to give her an opportunity to check on her son, a fleeting glance to last her for the next handful of years? Or was it a selfish act on his part? Wanting to show off the fact that he didn't need her, that they didn't need her. That all by himself Jay had done it. That Liam was well fed, well dressed, had friends, lived in a good neighborhood and they hadn't needed anything from her. He had done well, despite her hasty retreat from their lives. Perhaps that's what the revelation had been about, not out of generosity and goodness but out of the empty part of himself that had opened up when she had left. That maybe it had been filled a little when their son had clung to him, cried on his shoulder, went home with him.

But ever since that day Liam had been acting out. In small ways, medium ways and escalating to larger ways. Nothing huge. No more skipping school or disappearing. But talking back, insubordination at school, Ellie having to tell him things more than once and then giving up when Liam would close himself inside his room, yelling he didn't care about anything. But this behavior wasn't typical of the boy. He was far from perfect and pushed buttons, but he knew the boundaries and was great at tiptoeing along the edge, but now he seemed to have no problem stomping all over and totally disregarding the line.

"You going home?" Upton asked one night as the office was empty except for the two of them.

"I will," Jay said pushing the folder over a few inches on his desk with his finger, the folder he was supposedly looking at.

"I'm sure Liam would love to see you before he goes to bed," she said looking up at the clock. She had been more than aware of Jay's late and then later nights.

"Yeah. I'm just finishing up." He lied.

"Jay, that can wait. In fact most of what you have been working on can wait."

"We had that stakeout Monday and that take-down last night. And the assist last week along with sniper duty for that hostage situation. That went until after eight."

"Sure, but it was just those nights that you needed to stay late. Not for this," she said picking up the file. "What's going on? It's just us—start talking."

Jay sighed and took the file back from Hailey. "He won't talk to me. I go home and we just sit, it's like we're together but on separate planets."

"So it's awkward?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Jay, his mother came back and left again. It was a huge thing that happened to him. It was like a bomb went off between the two of you and the emotional debris went everywhere. He's ten Jay, he won't talk to you, because he doesn't have words for what he feels."

"Well I don't either," Jay replied petulantly.

"You're the adult Jay. The father. You have to figure it out. Go home and talk to your son. Have you talked to anyone? Do you still go to counseling?"

"Once in a while. I have talked to someone though."

"Who?"

"A week or so ago an old army buddy stopped by. We reveled in our deployment days, I regaled him with my current duties."

"I meant about what happened with Emma."

"No," he sighed. "I haven't."

"Where was Liam when this old friend came by?"

"Asleep in his room. Look, it may not have been about Emma, but talking helped anyway." He was getting sick of her negative effect on their lives even when she was long gone. Maybe because she was gone, because she could just walk away. Wasn't it usually the man that just walked away, leaving the wreckage behind for the mother to deal with? Were men equipped to handle this? Jay wondered.

"You're sure he was asleep?" Hailey asked.

"Yeah. I shut his door, he's a heavy sleeper. We were quiet."

Hailey just shrugged her shoulders. "If it helped then keep talking. Call your buddy, talk to me, go back to counseling, talk to your son. You always say everything is fine, that you can handle it, but Liam is acting out with you because he knows you love him, you are his rock, his safe place. He needs to release his fear and frustration and he knows you'll love him no matter what."

"But that's the thing, he is acting out, but not like that. Not for my attention, but because he—because—well that's the problem, I don't even know exactly why. So how do I help him when I don't even know what the hell I'm doing? I ask him how he is, I talk to him, but he shuts me out every time so now I don't ask. It's easier that way."

"Easier for whom? Parenthood is anything but easy Jay."

"Yeah. You got that right. Hey, do you still have those international contacts?" Jay asked, changing the subject.

"I do. I'll get in touch tomorrow. Get it together Halstead. Your son needs you."

He nodded as she departed, her words settling. He did leave the district, but he didn't go home, he went to a bar, where he drank too much and felt his failure rise along with his blood alcohol level.

He had screwed up the Marcus West case to the point where it cost the man his life. He was trying to make amends to the man's family, using any free time he did have towards another family ignoring his own. Lying to his son on a daily basis, just because he was scared that he was responsible for the emotional disaster with Emma. He couldn't deal with another failure, but the more time he had to dwell on what happened, the more he realized it was on him—all on him. If he had just kept himself in-check, kept his mouth shut Liam wouldn't be the tortured soul he was now. Abandoned not once but twice.

And if he hadn't been so reliant and put so much unquestioning faith in technology, perhaps he wouldn't have been so easily swayed to believe what wasn't true concerning the two murdered little boys. He refused to have fresh eyes or to even open his own and a man had paid with his life. And now, now he was sitting in a bar, once again failing at everything.

As he snapped out of his memories and cleared his head he climbed out of bed. He would take a few minutes and hope that whatever words he found would open up some kind of useful dialogue. He couldn't remember too many heart to heart talks with his father. He was flying blind, he just hoped he didn't fly right into a wall. He looked into the living room and kitchen and found them empty. He went into Liam's room and saw it was unoccupied, he even checked the closet and under the bed. Neither had enough empty space to contain a child. He returned to his room and grabbed his phone, stabbing at the app that quickly revealed his son's location.

Liam and Dylan made their way up and around several blocks, just enjoying their last night together despite the clouds and impending drizzle. "If that kid at school bugs you again, let me know. I warned him I'd kill him if he messed with you," Dylan offered, speaking of the bully that had slammed Liam into the lockers a few months ago.

"I'll be okay."

"I swear I'll come back and do it. Englewood isn't that far."

"Far enough." Liam said looking down the street. "How often will you see your dad?"

"One weekend a month. At least for now. Not sure why though."

"Let me guess, your mom said it was complicated."

Dylan laughed despite himself. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Because that's what adults always say when they don't want to tell you the truth. When they think you won't understand. So they tell you it's complicated or they lie or they don't tell you anything. But sometimes we find out things anyway, but then they just pretend some more."

"You okay man?"

"At least you get to see your dad. I got to see my mom a couple of weeks ago."

"No shit? Really? Where?"

"Here. Down the street. She said she couldn't stay and the entire time I was with her she just kept saying we needed to get back to my dad. That she was technically kidnapping me.

"We went back, but my dad was pissed and hasn't let up since. He never comes home, he doesn't even want me."

"What do you mean he doesn't want you?"

"He said so. He had a buddy over from when he was in the war and he said my uncle should raise me."

"Your uncle the doctor?" Liam nodded. "I don't know man, I think your dad loves you a lot. I can't see him saying that."

"Well, I heard it." Liam looked up at the stairs to the L. "I want to go downtown."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just want to."

"I don't have my metro pass," Dylan said.

"I have mine, that's all we need."

"I don't know Liam. I mean your dad will freak out. And I can't believe that he even let you come hang out with me." Liam looked over at his friend, his face reflecting the truth. "He didn't give you permission, did he? Is he even home?"

"He's home. But he's asleep."

"Damn, Liam. He's going to roast your ass for sure."

"Look, you coming or not?"

"I will. I'll come with you if you want me to. You're my friend. The best friend I've ever had."

Liam stood motionless for a moment. "And because you are, I want you to stay here. I don't my dad to blame anything on you."

"I wish you wouldn't go."

"I have to. I don't even know why. But I need to go somewhere and think."

"You can't think anywhere around here?" Dylan asked.

"Purple goes to the loop. I'll text you later," Liam said, ignoring the question as he started up the stairs looking at the helpful painted directions on the steps. Purple line, the Loop. It repeated several more times on the way up and became a mantra in Liam's head, purple line, the Loop, purple line the Loop.

The trip didn't take long, the buildings rushing by, getting taller. He hopped off at the Washington and Wells station and tried to get his bearings. He and Jay visited the area frequently on weekends when the weather supported such outdoor adventures. But mostly he just followed his father. The father he believed no longer wanted him. Thinking that was the reason why Jay sent his mother to where he had been, hoping that she would see him and take him with her.

He finally saw a familiar landmark as he rounded a corner and saw Mae sitting there. She was as iconic in the downtown area as the theaters, Wacker Drive, the Willis Tower and the river. She sat on the same corner every day for hours and hours, with her small, flimsy cardboard sign that solicited for any kind of assistance. Liam wasn't sure but he thought the word assistance might have been spelled wrong. They saw her nearly every time they were downtown, Liam insisted on it as he often brought a brown paper bag filled with fruit, granola bars, and anything else he could find. And a bottle of water, always a bottle of water. Jay had always humored his son and the boys good intentions, he thought it was a beautiful sentiment. But Liam was empty handed as he approached her now, shaking thoughts of his father out of his head.

"I know you don't I?" She asked.

"Yeah. My dad and I come down here a lot. I give you food and water sometimes."

"Yeah, that's right. Liam."

"You know my name?"

"I'm homeless not stupid. Where's your daddy at?" She asked craning her neck. "He's a cutie that one."

"Eww," Liam said. "That's my dad."

"What? Your dad can't be good looking?"

"I guess I never thought about it. I mean he's just my dad."

"He's a lot more than that. He was a boy, then a man, then a daddy. He's still a man, a man that has things in his life that have nothing to do with you."

"Exactly. And that's the way he wants it." Liam said folding his arms.

"Come into my office," she said patting the piece of cardboard she was sitting on. Liam sat down, trying not to react to the smell of the unwashed body and clothing. "I know I don't smell like a daisy, but you'll get used to in a minute. Now tell me what's going on with you two?"

"What makes you think something is?"

"Because he's not here. And he doesn't strike me as the type that lets his little-one run all over town by himself."

"I'm not so little," Liam countered.

"Oh, you're little. Did you two have a fight? He want you to clean your room or you got a bad grade?"

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"Oh, is that so," she said evenly.

"Yeah, he said so."

"He looked at you and said that he didn't want you anymore?"

"No. But I heard it."

"You were eavesdropping then?"

"What?"

"You were listening to a conversation that you had no business hearing and you thought you heard him say he didn't want you anymore."

"What does it matter?"

"Because you can hear things out of context and they can be confusing."

"He was talking to an old war buddy and he told him that I would be better off with my uncle."

"Well now, that isn't quite saying he doesn't want you anymore."

"Close enough," Liam said.

"Close enough counts in horse shoes and hand grenades."

"Huh?"

"It means that life is blurry. You heard something then molded it to what you wanted to hear."

"Why would I want to hear that?"

"You tell me. Maybe you're just mad at him or perhaps you're mad at someone else but since they're not around you're taking out all your anger on the person who is there."

"My dad?"

"Your dad loves you and he's a good man."

"How do you know that?"

"First of all, he helped defend our country and he deserves respect for that. Right?" Liam nodded. "What does he do for a living?"

"He's a detective with CPD."

"Well damn, is he a good cop?"

"He works hard to get the bad guys."

"I know he's a good cop."

"How?"

"Because he's never run me off."

"But he's off duty when he sees you."

"Cops are never off duty."

"True. But he wouldn't care either way that you were here as long as you aren't hurting anyone."

"Exactly, he can see what is bad and good for himself, without an ordinance telling him so. Besides, I bet you don't know that he slips me money when your not looking."

"He does?"

"Sure does, a ten or twenty. He doesn't want you to see, not sure why, but it's just between us. But the biggest thing about him that I know is how much he loves you."

"You can't know that."

"Sure I can."

"How?"

"It's all in his eyes. When he looks at you, it's all there, and there's no doubt about it. Now, you need to go home. You shouldn't make him worry."

Liam stood up and nearly crashed into a family who was looking around at the street signs and then down at their respective phones. "I don't know honey, this doesn't make any sense. The GPS said we should go that way, but the map indicates the theater is that way." The man said.

"Where are you going?" Liam asked.

The man looked at Liam closely, unsure if he was a junior pick pocket, a tiny Dickensian feature of the city. "Lyric Opera."

"The GPS doesn't always work down here because of the L and the buildings." Liam said. "Is that the place by the river?"

"Yeah, at least that's what it shows on the map."

"I'm heading towards the river, you can follow me if you want or basically just walk that way towards Wacker."

The young girl with them, who was probably right around Liam's age giggled when he said Wacker. "I know it's a stupid name. But I think it's named after a guy from a long time ago. But it's confusing, because there's South Wacker, North Wacker, East Wacker, West Wacker, Lower Wacker," he wanted to say where my father was shot, but refrained.

"Lower Wacker, that's where they filmed a scene from Batman." A boy of around twelve stated.

"Yeah. It's creepy down there though. It's where the delivery trucks drive. But go that way and you'll see it," Liam pointed.

"Thank you sweetie. Are you out here by yourself?"

"He is," Mae yelled.

"My father is with a friend in the cafe down the street. He'll be out soon."

"Then why are you going to the river?" Mae screeched out.

"Because we're going to meet there," Liam replied. "Look, walk that way and it'll be fine. I'm going to go find my father in the restaurant."

"If you're sure," the woman said.

"Absolutely," Liam assured before he turned and stared daggers at Mae.

As the family turned and headed in the right direction Liam loped down to a cafe on the corner, grabbed a banana from the basket, forked over what little money had happened to have on him and ran back to Mae who was still sitting on her cardboard.

"Here. Eat this."

"Go home." She told him as she took the banana.

"I will, but not yet."

"It'll be dark soon. The clouds will make sure of it."

"I'll be fine."

"If you're not, your daddy will be mighty sad."

"If you say so," Liam said as he departed.

He walked the few blocks towards the river. The water came to a Y in that area making it confusing to use as a landmark. But he recognized enough that he felt confident in where he was and where he wanted to go. He managed to get himself down to Lower Wacker and stood taking in the darkness, the eeriness of the place. He didn't know exactly where his father had been shot, the news hadn't said. It also hadn't given Jay's name, only a Chicago police detective. "A Chicago police detective was shot in line of duty this afternoon on Lower Wacker, while pursing the man believed to be arsonists from the fire two weeks ago that killed several and displaced many." Or something like that the news caster had bleated out. It didn't take a genius to pair Jay's injuries with the police detective involved. And then. "The officer is expected to make a full recovery." But even if this wasn't the spot, it was close enough. Why had his father ran after this man with no back-up and how had Sergeant Voight allowed him to? Was he running towards something or away from something? He knew his dad had cried when they went to his grandfather's apartment, but he tried not to show it. So how did he think that Liam would react if something happened to him? But, perhaps he didn't care if Liam was sad or not. If he didn't want him, why would he care.

He went back up a level, wanting to escape from the claustrophobic walls and ceiling of the street. He had no idea what lurked down there and had no desire to find out. He shivered once he hit street level though he was pretty sure it had nothing to do with the weather. He found the river, which wasn't hard and walked until he found some stairs to take him down to the water.

_Soundtrack: _

_Take what you want from me Ozzy/post malone_

_Trills~For What its worth_

_To be continued..._


	16. Caught in a Loop Part II

**Caught in a Loop**

**Part II**

Jay gripped the steering wheel too hard causing his knuckles to turn white as he made his way downtown. He took an ill advised look at his phone causing to have to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of him. He inhaled as he ignored the middle finger that was waving at him from the vehicle he had just narrowly missed. Before taking off again he found the tiny dot that represented his son's supposed location bouncing around in the vast downtown area. Finding him with all the interference from the buildings and L wasn't going to be easy. He had called repeatedly via blue tooth but had gotten no answer.

He thought back to his conversation with Hailey and words questioning him if Liam had been asleep during his buddy's visit. He had been certain Liam was, he had closed the door, checked on him once and he appeared to be asleep. But appearances could be deceiving, if anyone knew that, it was Jay. He was being very deceptive when it came to Angela and her son Bobby. Jim, friend of Marcus—yeah right he thought to himself.

But what if Liam had heard what he had told Zach? It hadn't been anything gory or horrific, but still, it was an all out honest history of many of his days in Afghanistan, his days and just as many nights in Chicago. He had opened up to him about Camila, being shot while chasing the arsonist, being kidnapped and Lindsay saving him. About catching the case with two little boys being shot in the head. He had said so much, nearly everything and had felt better for it—but if Liam had heard any of it—how could he have been so stupid to even take the risk? All those secrets that had been sealed away and he just parted with them after a few beers and relied on a door to protect what been confidential?

"Man, I've got so much baggage—from childhood, from the war, from the streets. Liam doesn't deserve that, any of that." Jay had said several beers in as his friend sat at the other end of the couch.

"I still can't believe you're a daddy. Go figure. But dude, seriously, we all have baggage of some sort, it's part of being human. You had a crap relationship with your dad—then make sure you don't have that same relationship with your son."

"I'm trying. But somehow I seem to fail at every turn."

"Nah, man. You're his dad, you're here, that's what matters. You make too much about the details then you are taking your baggage and putting it on him. Don't do that. Keep it simple."

Jay pulled himself back to the present as he sat at yet another red light. Millennium Park was on his left, he risked a quick glance at the dot seeing it was nowhere near here. Liam loved the Bean and Jay had thought this could be a possible destination, but clearly the boy was deeper inside the city. He looked down Michigan Avenue with its pedestrian traffic and all of its shops, he was just south of the Magnificent Mile. He took a quick right onto E. Madison and drove to N. Franklin where he turned right, finally to Lake where he found parking and left the truck. He headed back towards Randolph Street, but he wasn't sure why. His head was full of thoughts, his feet were on their own.

When had Liam's behavior drastically changed? He had struggled after the meeting with Emma, and it was after that his demeanor had really switched up, going from accepting and wanting to please, to a defiant nightmare. Had he heard Jay thoughts about Will being a better parent? If he had it would have confused him at the least, hurt him deeply at the worst. He looked down at the phone and swore the dot was coming and going like a pulse. He texted and called once more, but only got voicemail and no text response. He charged down the street, keeping his head on a swivel. He looked everywhere, but saw nothing.

"He went to the river," he heard a scratchy, hoarse voice yell at him.

"I'm sorry?" Jay asked, his eyes find the woman they called Mae. Had she once told them that was her name? The barista in the Starbucks on the corner where she set up camp had once mentioned that was her name but had they ever verified it?

"Your boy. I saw him an hour ago. Or so. I don't have a watch. We talked for a minute. He talked to some fancy family looking for the Opera House, said they could follow him because he was going to the river. But then he ran and got me a banana."

"Thanks," Jay said, making it sound more like a question.

"Detective," she yelled as Jay turned towards the river. He turned back, looking confused as to how she knew his title. She seemed to read his confusion, "we talked, remember? He's a good boy," she said holding up her banana peel, "and you're a good man. You need to fix this little rift between you. Good people need to stick together."

"Okay," Jay said. "I will." He said stopping and digging in his front pocket pulling out a ten dollar bill.

"No, not today," she said holding her hand up palm facing Jay.

"But I always give you something."

"Which is exactly why I won't take it this time. This was my turn to give. Now quit hanging around me, you're bad for business, go find your boy." She said shooing him away.

Jay jogged towards the river, but had no idea where Liam might be. In the warmer months, when the sun was up well into the evening, they would often come down and enjoy the Riverwalk, strolling, talking, getting ice cream. Had they done that last fall? Had that slipped from their routine? Jay racked his brain, trying to think when they had last come down for a riverfront outing. "September," he whispered to nobody but himself. Liam had gotten an A on a big test and Jay had promised him anything that he wanted within reason, and he had chosen the Riverwalk and some kind of treat. He had just wanted time, not a new toy, game, or trip to Six Flags, he just wanted his dad, time with his dad. What had they talked about that night? Dylan's parents getting divorced and how math was getting harder this school year and how recess time went by too fast. That's what they discussed. Jay felt some kind of vindication as the memories surfaced.

He crossed West Wacker and found a stairway to the river just as a young couple came up. "Hey, have you seen this kid?" He asked showing a picture of Liam from his phone. Even if he was on the Riverwalk, that meant miles of possibilities. There were quite a few entrances and even if Jay was close, Liam could exit at nearly anytime. He needed any help he could get. "He's my son," Jay tried as the couple looked at him as if he was a child killer. "Look, see," he said swiping his pictures to show shots of them together. "See the resemblance?" He reached to tug his shirt up, "I'm CPD, you can call in and ask, I'm Detective Jay Halstead," he explained along with his badge number. His hand was still resting on his jacket and he finally pulled it up, but his badge was absent, he hadn't put it on—there hadn't been a reason to. "I swear, call if you need to," Jay implored. The fact that they were still standing there told Jay they had seen Liam.

"We passed him about ten minutes ago or maybe less," the woman said. "He was sitting on a bench across from that huge building."

"The Merchandise Mart?" Jay asked.

"I don't know, maybe? We asked if he was alone, but he said his parents were nearby having a private conversation." The man said.

"Or maybe it was his father was nearby. I don't recall. But I'm pretty sure it was that kid. He had a hat on, so I can't be positive." The woman finished.

"Thanks," Jay said as he trampled down the stairs at double time. He checked his phone and it did seem to indicate that Liam was nearby. He looked across the river and saw the Merchandise Mart was just up head. He recalled during last summer they had watched some kind of art show projected on the building. Liam had lasted about ten minutes then decided he was done. He came around a jog in the trail and saw Liam just where the couple had described him. He was sitting alone, wearing the Chicago Fire soccer team knit hat that he had gotten for Christmas the year before. His head was down then he looked up, staring across the water oblivious to what was around him, which terrified Jay. He was so vulnerable and understood why the couple was so concerned.

"Liam," Jay finally said. "What the hell dude?" He asked, his hands stuffed in his coat as if that might help him keep his emotions in check.

"I needed time." Liam said flatly, unimpressed that Jay had found him.

"Time for what?"

"Time to figure out why you don't want me."

"What are you talking about?" Jay asked, his fear coming true. The couple he had questioned appeared behind him, checking to ensure they hadn't sold out the sad boy they had passed to a stalking pedophile.

"I heard you!" Liam yelled as he stood up, sending the couple scurrying, now certain this was family, a family in trouble, but together nonetheless. "You said Will should take me. Is that why we've been taking him dinner at the hospital sometimes and why he gets me once a month? So we can bond and he can take me?"

"You heard it out of context. That's not what I meant."

"It's what you said."

"You were eavesdropping. That's not okay."

"I was in my bedroom. I wasn't trying to. You were loud."

"No we weren't," Jay countered.

"You were drinking. You always get loud when you're drinking."

"I do?" Jay questioned, but Liam just crossed his arms and shook his head. "I checked on you, you were sleeping."

"I was pretending. You just opened the door, you didn't even come in."

"I'm sorry you heard that, but let me explain."

"Love to hear it," Liam snapped.

"After what happened with your mother—well, it threw us both for a loop. I didn't know what to say to you, and the longer you stayed quiet, the longer I stayed quiet." Jay so badly wanted to tell him his guilt about setting up the accidental meeting, but didn't want to confuse the issue. "You wouldn't talk to me. Then you wouldn't even stay in the same room as me."

"Because I thought you didn't want me. I thought if I just stayed out of your way—" he said his voice drifting. "Then you were gone all the time and I mean all the time. Sometimes you were already gone when I got out of bed. No morning run, nothing. When that stopped, I figured you didn't even want me around anymore at all."

Jay cleared his throat and looked at his son. "Kids think their parents know everything, but we don't. Or at least I don't. I struggle at a lot of things, but don't ever doubt my love for you. Ever." Liam still looked wary. "Clearly we need to talk and I'm sorry it hasn't already happened. There's a lot to explain about a lot of things." Jay said trying to suss out what Liam did and did not hear that night with his friend.

"Then you can explain about how you were the point man in Afghanistan and how you are here. The first one in most of the time."

"Then I know what I'm walking into, what I'm seeing. It was what I was trained to do as a Ranger and it gave me valuable experience that I get to use as a police officer."

"You're a sniper," Liam said, making it sound like an accusation.

"I am. Again, experience. And I'm usually pretty safe then—faraway from the action."

"You were shot and lied to me about it. You were kidnapped and beat up and never told me. I can't even remember the lie you told me then. You dated a CI. Well, you said you more than dated, but I won't say anymore than that. You caught that case with the two little boys, the ones shot in the head." Liam continued.

"Stop!" Jay said sternly. His worst dread had come true. Liam had heard nearly everything. How naive could he have been. So stupid. "I am the adult and there are things that you as a child don't need to know. And it is my job to decide what should be a part of your world and what should stay in mine. Children can be happy when their parents are miserable, but a parent can't be happy when their child isn't. I just want your world to stay happy or as happy as it can be."

"But you said I should live with Uncle Will." Liam reminded.

"No. I said you might be better off with him because I was screwing up all the time. I wasn't any good for you. I wasn't doing my job well enough. I drank too much that night, complained too much, let my emotions get away from me. And allowing you to hear everything that you did, is proof of that. But I didn't mean any of it. I would never give you up. Ever. I love you kid—more than anything." Jay said as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and took several steps towards his son.

"I screw up and you still love me. You screw up and I'll still love you," Liam finally said after taking a minute to contemplate.

"Did you hear what you just said? If you screw up, I still love you. And I do—no matter what I love you. I just want what's best for you. Uncle Will is good for you, but that doesn't mean I am giving you up. I'm so sorry that you heard any of what I said. I can't imagine how scary it was."

"I didn't know anything about you. And yeah, what I found out was pretty scary."

"That's the problem with eavesdropping, it isn't for your ears."

"But I was in my room," Liam reminded.

"I know. I was wrong having that conversation so close to you. But you could have come out and said we were keeping you awake. Or when I checked on you, if you had even moved, I would have known that you were awake. You purposely lied by staying still as if you were sleeping. You have to respect privacy or expectations of privacy. What I choose to tell you or not to tell you is up to me and you have to honor that as well." Jay finished, having walked to within a couple of feet of Liam.

"Okay," Liam whispered. "So you want to keep me?"

"Forever," Jay said. He opened his mouth to say something else but Liam had closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around his waist. Whatever Jay was going to say was lost. But it didn't matter anymore. "Let's get out of here, it's getting dark."

"Dad." Liam said as he pulled away.

"Yeah."

"I went on Lower Wacker."

"When?"

"Right before I came here."

"Today?"

"Yeah."

"By yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"I didn't see anyone and I was only down there for a minute," Liam explained.

"A minute too long." Jay said swiping his face with this hand. "Why did you go down there?"

"Because it's where you were shot. I remember it from the news. I didn't know exactly where, but I just needed to see."

"Well thank you for being honest and telling me." Jay said as they climbed up the stairs to the street and began walking. He spied the young couple he had interacted with earlier, taking in the sites. They gave him a small smile. If they had stopped and eavesdropped they would have gotten quite a show.

"Let's go," Jay said taking Liam's hand as they came to the stairs that went down to Lower Wacker.

"Why?" Liam asked as he followed Jay down the stairs.

"You want to know what happened that day. I'll tell you. Did you know there is a Lower, Lower Wacker? Another level below here. The garbage trucks park down here and they use it for storage. I think awhile back they had races down there. But those ended a long time ago." Jay explained.

"Can we go down there?" Liam asked.

"No, it's even darker and creepier than this."

"Why do people walk down here?"

"Shortcuts mostly. Okay. The offender had come down here." Jay said moving the conversation along.

"Right here?" Liam asked, his eyes big.

"No, over by Columbus. It's towards Millennium Park, north of there. But it looked a lot like this. Anyway, he knew I was following him and he started to run. I knew he was trying to leave the country and I couldn't let him get away with what he did. So I started running too. We were running down the middle of the street. I remember a tow truck driving by. I took my gun out of my holster and kept running. He went around a corner, just like that one," Jay pointed at corner, "and waited for me. But I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't careful and he had a gun too and he turned and shot at me several times." Jay inhaled the scent of the underground street, taking him back to that day. He could feel his feet running, his chest heaving in and out in its quest for air. He held Liam's hand tighter as he continued. "Some missed but one hit me in the chest and one hit me in the side. I went down, the bullet hit my vest, it didn't go through but it knocked the wind out of me. I had fired my gun and hit the man and he went down too. I hit him in the chest but he didn't have a vest on. He was still alive when I crawled over to him."

"Did he say anything?" Liam asked looking up at his father.

"He said he wanted to see his family, but he died right after he said that. My chest hurt so much. Breathing was painful. I had already called for help on my radio and I just laid there on my back in the gutter. Do you know who I was thinking about when I was lying there?"

"Mom?"

"No."

"Hailey?"

"No."

"Erin?" Jay shook his head.

"Uncle Will?"

"No," Jay said shaking his head as he smiled, not believing his son still hadn't guessed.

"Then who?"

"You, silly. All I could think about was you." Jay failed to tell Liam how Daniel, the man he had been chasing, had asked to see his father. The words hitting home that Jay would never see his again, and how his own actions could have very well caused the same situation for his own son. "I thought about how stupid I had been and how it would affect you, how it could have been worse. Then Hailey and Adam found me pretty fast. They made sure the ambulance got to me quickly and it was pretty much over. I didn't even have to go to the hospital."

Liam stood there, looking down the darkened street, a few vehicles passing by. "How come you weren't smart? How come you didn't think about him being around the corner?"

"Because I was too close to the case. Because the man that I was chasing, set the fire in grandpa's building. And all I could think about was grandpa dying because of the fire." Jay thought privately of how many had died, or were displaced, collateral damage for a Cartel hit.

"So why did Voight let you be on the case?"

"He didn't. I disobeyed a direct order. He told me to stand down."

"But you didn't."

"No. I didn't. But I should have. But I just couldn't stop myself."

"Was Sarge mad?"

"Yeah," Jay said remembering that one-sided conversation. "I got in trouble."

"You did?"

"Yep. Adults can get into trouble too."

"What happened to you?"

"I was reminded about my poor decision making. Then I was taken off the streets for a period of time. I had to see a counselor."

"Wow."

"Yeah wow. Now you know all about me getting shot."

"Did you learn from it?" Liam asked.

"I did. And I won't do it again, just like you won't take off and go anywhere alone again. At least not without permission. Right?"

"Right. Sorry."

"I feel like we keep having this conversation, but so far you keep doing it."

"No I don't." Liam protested.

"You don't? Let's see, skipped school for a trip to Canaryville, took off on the L with your mom, took off on the L for The Loop," he said ticking them off his fingers.

"Okay, so maybe I do."

"But you won't do it again or there will be serious consequences. In fact, I see a rough couple of weeks ahead for you. And I think maybe talking to a counselor might be good for you."

"No it won't. I'm okay."

"I'm not sure you should be." Jay said as they went back up to Upper Wacker. He wanted to tell Liam he had been the one to lead Emma to him, but the words just got stuck in his throat. "You went through a lot recently with seeing your mom and then everything you heard with me."

"But I don't want to," Liam tried. "I don't want to talk to anyone. I can handle it."

His words reminded Jay so much of himself at difficult times and he couldn't handle it, despite his promises to those around him that he could. "Well, I haven't wanted to track you down three separate times in the last several weeks, yet here we are. I think I'll decide on the counselor and then you'll abide by my decision. I'm hungry and had to spend a fortune to park the truck, so I say we stay downtown and find a place to eat. Sound good?"

"Yes," Liam agreed nodding his head so hard he almost knocked himself off of his feet.

They found a deep dish pizza place and got a couple of slices and sat down with their drinks at a tall table, where Liam's legs hopelessly dangled and Jay's barely reached the lower rungs of the stool. "Just cheese? Still no meat?"

"I like not eating meat."

"It's my fault your mom found you," Jay blurted out before he lost his nerve again. "I had spoken to her the night before. I didn't know until then that she was alive. Your Uncle Liam had told me she was dead, but I wanted to ask him a few more questions but when I went to find him I found your mother. We talked about you and then I left, but I told her where you'd be so she could just see you for a minute. I thought I told her because I wanted to give her a chance to see you, but the more I thought about it, I realized I did it because—"

"Because why?" Liam interrupted.

"Because I wanted to show you off. Because you are what I am most proud of."

"I am?"

"Hands down."

"Really?"

"Yeah, absolutely. So I wanted to show you off. But I also wanted her to see that we were doing okay all by ourselves. That I was doing okay as a father."

"You do better than okay."

"I'm not sure about that. If I had kept my mouth shut, then you wouldn't have had to go through all that turmoil."

"But I'd think she was dead and you'd have another secret. It was hard seeing her and watching her leave, but I think it's better that I know. But what's so hard is not knowing is why she left, why she can't stay. You didn't say anything about that when I was eavesdropping."

Jay realized that he hadn't. Thankfully he hadn't really mentioned any of it. "Well no more eavesdropping. Understood?"

"Understood," Liam replied. And despite the fact he did, he would falter on his promise almost immediately.

_Soundtrack: Don't Fade on Me by Tom Petty (I prefer the version from American Treasure)_

_To be continued..._


	17. Caught in a Loop Part III

**Caught in a Loop**

**Part III**

_A/N If you would like to meet Kyle Casey (hint, he will appear in this story) check out my Chicago Fire Fanfic, The Fire and the Flame._

_Current time_

Liam was tired of waiting, but refused to go back inside. The building and all of its pediatric glory was in his rearview mirror for the day and he wasn't going to give in and go back. He hadn't want to see a doctor or have counseling or whatever you want to call it, but his father had said he had to go to at least four solo sessions. The first one, Jay sat in on, but the last two were just between Dr. Sawyer and Liam. She was nice enough, had lots of experience with children of first responder's, but Liam just didn't have much to say. He had heard the doctor tell his dad that sometimes people didn't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what they've lost. And she felt that this very well may be the case with Liam.

After the first two "quiet" sessions, Jay took Liam to Firehouse 51 to talk with Kyle Casey, Captain Casey's thirteen year old son, who had seen Dr. Sawyer on and off since he was Liam's age. Liam thought Kyle was super cool, they even discovered neither one ate meat, more common than ever, but still a rarity in their age group. The two dads had promised to take the boys out to eat at a vegan restaurant but the kids both decided they would believe it when it actually happened.

Kyle had told him that when he was ten, he spent the whole night outside, wandering the city with his phone off just to make his dad worry. It was in response to the emotional trauma he endured after Matt had been in a really bad fire. It had been a dire situation and fatalities were almost a guarantee, but gratefully in the end all had survived. Liam could definitely relate. He worried about the same thing only death by bullet instead of fire. Despite the age difference Kyle was really nice to Liam and would listen to any and all concerns and when Liam told him he was seeing Dr. Sawyer the older boy encouraged him to open up. But Liam just couldn't—not yet anyway. Kyle's mother had died when he was young, but Liam's mother had abandoned him, and that was something he just wasn't ready to admit.

Liam sighed as his wait for a ride continued. Jay was supposed to pick him up, but he had texted and said he couldn't get away but a patrol car would pick him up. He wished he could just walk. The building wasn't far from the district and he was pretty sure he could find the way. Or even walk to the firehouse to see if Kyle was there. But he had better not dare. He had already pushed the limits that morning, probably because he hadn't wanted to come to this stupid appointment in the first place.

He looked down at his boots, not his first choice for the day, but at the moment his feet were grateful for the barrier from the cold. But the great footwear debate was the cause of that morning's contention.

_Earlier that morning~_

"Hurry up Liam, we're going to be late." Jay had said, standing near the door looking at the time on his phone.

"I can't find my other shoe." Liam whined.

"Here," Jay said kicking over a boot from near where he was standing.

"That's my boot. I have a sneaker on," Liam complained.

"How do you have two single shoes?"

"I don't know."

"You have to keep better track of your stuff. Take them off when you get home and put them by the door," Jay said as he began to search under the couch. "Found it," Jay said tossing a boot towards Liam.

"But that's my boot." Liam whined again.

"So. Now you have two that match, put it on and let's go."

"But I want to wear my sneakers."

"Then you should have put both of them where you could find them. Put the boots on right now," Jay said as he picked up Liam's lunch box and shoved in his backpack and zipped it up.

Liam sat there staring at his footwear as if he wished hard enough they would turn into his desired choice. "Liam, I'm not going to tell you again." Jay said grabbing his son's coat and hat.

"I want my sneakers," Liam tried one more time.

"Liam James. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Tell. You. Again." Jay stated slowly.

Liam sighed and shoved his feet into his boots. When his father used his middle name, he meant business. Liam didn't want to push it to the next level. Not that Jay was all that heavy handed, in fact Liam only remembered getting spanked once—maybe twice, but the second time was really just a quick swat when he had been caught throwing grapes in the grocery store. Mostly it was time outs when he was little and now being grounded, and lectures, lots of talking.

He thought back to that trip to St. Louis when he was like six or seven. It was the middle of summer and one morning instead of going to day care and work, Jay had packed two bags and told him they were going on an adventure. They drove south and spent three days in the city known as the Gateway to the West. Other than the small mishap in the nocturnal habitat at the zoo, it had been a blast. He could still recall his frantic father spinning around in all directions at once, calling out his name repeatedly, agitation booming from his voice. Liam hiding behind a pole in the dark room thinking he had played the greatest prank ever and reveling in the control he had for the moment. But he was pretty sure his dad had used his middle name then too.

But despite the little hiccup, they had enjoyed the rest of the zoo. They also visited the Science Center, the Magic House, which was their children's museum. The city museum, and a huge sculpture park where the art was often bigger than they were and was also outside where Liam could run and jump around. They finished their visit at the Gateway Arch, peering out the tiny windows at what was below. On the way home Jay explained how big and how important the Mississippi river was. Liam found it hard to believe that it was bigger or better than the Chicago River.

He smiled as he closed his eyes recalling that they had stayed in a hotel with a pool. His father had made him practice his swimming skills by continually backing up, making him paddle ever farther. He then would pick him up and toss him back into the water, while they both laughed. And finally, he remembered going underwater and making funny faces at each other.

He loved the city museum where they had all kinds of cool tubes and ball pits, where his dad kept up with him, acting as if he was a kid again. And the sculpture park where he rode on Jay's shoulders as they explored the grounds.

Those were the best memories ever. But they had to come back, back to Chicago, back to day care and city summer camp where he had swimming lessons, but they weren't nearly as fun. Back to Jay working ten and twelve hour days. Back to a reality that sometimes Liam really hated.

"Hey, you Liam Halstead?" A patrol officer yelled up the steps breaking Liam from his happy place. "Your dad sent us. Um the code word is—dammit, hey Hawley what did he say the code word was?" The officer asked as he ducked his head back into the open door of the squad car. The other officer grumbled something. "Oh yeah, octopus."

Jay had always instituted a code word that had to be said before Liam was allowed to go anywhere with anyone, even a CPD officer.

"Yeah, that's me," Liam said walking down the steps towards the officer who opened up the back door for him.

"Nice to meet ya Liam. I'm Officer Davidson and my driver is Officer Hawley."

"Hi," Liam mumbled as he slid onto the plastic backseat. He knew why it was plastic but didn't want to think about it. Yuck. He was still mad that once again that he had been stood up by his father. This whole thing was his idea but he couldn't carve out fifteen minutes to pick him up.

"Your dad is in the Intelligence Unit right?" Davidson asked.

"Yeah."

"Buckle up," the other officer said as he looked out his window before pulling out into traffic.

"Not sure what it'd be like working for Voight though." Davidson said.

"He's okay," Liam replied looking out at the gray sidewalk, blending in with the gray day.

"You going to be a cop when you grow up?" Hawley asked him.

He really didn't feel like talking anymore now than he had in his session, but his father always told him to be respectful so he managed a shrug.

"Not sure?" Hawley asked as he caught the gesture in the rearview mirror.

"Well you got plenty of time to think about it. What are you eight?" Davidson asked.

"Ten," Liam replied, clearly offended.

"Oh, I guess that coat kind of swallows you up. Really? Was your dad fifteen when you were born?"

"He's like in his thirty's now, so, no."

"Everyone looks so young," Hawley sighed as they pulled up to the district a few minutes later.

"I'll walk you inside," Davidson said pulling himself out of the car with great effort.

"You don't have to," Liam said as the door was opened for him.

"I better. I was told by the desk Sergeant that I was to deliver you right to her. And I'm not messing with her." He said, speaking of Trudy.

"Fine," Liam sighed as he followed the officer inside, waved to Sergeant Platt, thanked the officer and waited to be buzzed in upstairs. "Is he here?"

"Who?" Trudy asked.

"My dad," Liam replied, exasperated.

"I believe so."

"Then why couldn't he come get me?"

"You'll have to ask him."

Liam and Trudy had a pretty good relationship. She didn't baby him and he appreciated it. In return he could be as snarky with her as she was with him and he wouldn't get into trouble, unless he pushed it too far. But if he did she would just shake her head and tell him to back off and he would. It was great.

Liam tromped up the steps as if he could barely make it. He unzipped his coat as he went, the warmth already making his face flushed. He felt exhausted inside and out or maybe defeated was a better description. But he wasn't exactly sure why. He knew what was bothering him, he didn't need a doctor or anyone else to tell him what it was or tell him how he should feel about it. Or continually ask him about how he felt about it. He felt abandoned. His mother had left him once and had come back only to leave him again. How awful is it to be left not once but twice? Pretty damn awful.

Then his dad poured everything he had into his job, working more hours than ever and despite their talk and Jay's accolades, Liam couldn't help but feel left out and unimportant. Something was always pulling the man in a different direction. Sometimes it seemed so hard to breathe. He kept feeling that someday everything would make sense, but when was someday? Would it ever be someday? It's as if both his parents had lives somewhere else and he didn't have a place in them.

He walked into the main room to find Kim, alone studying something at her desk. "Where is everybody?" He asked as he dropped his backpack by his fathers desk and took his coat off and tossed it on Jay's chair.

"Busy fighting crime." She replied. "How are you kiddo?"

"Is my dad here?"

"He's interviewing someone."

"Can I watch?"

"No. I'm sorry, but you can't. Maybe when you're older."

"Is it a witness or bad guy?"

"I'm not sure. How have you been?"

"Fine," Liam lied.

"Oh, I have these," she said pulling two small vehicles from her desk drawer. "You had left them on the table last time you were here."

"Thanks," Liam said taking the police car and fire truck from her. They were both metal and had a mechanism in them that allowed them to shoot forward after you pulled them backwards. His uncle Will had bought them several months ago and they could really go fast on a hard floor just like the district had.

"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" Kim said as she stood up.

"Sure. I have a snack and homework. I'll be fine."

She nodded as she and the file that seemed important departed the room.

Liam began to open his backpack and realized he wasn't hungry and had no desire to start his homework. So he took his two cars and sat in the middle of the room and revved them backwards until he heard the telltale click and let them go. They rushed away from him as if they were both on their way to a call. They stayed neck and neck until the firetruck crashed into the door frame that surrounded Sergeant Voight's door. He jumped up and walked over and grabbed the truck and saw that the police car had careened into the office and had banged into the wall. He wasn't supposed to go into Sarge's office without being invited. But his car was right there and it would only take a second. So he stepped inside the office and picked it up.

"Good work in there," Voight said, his voice carrying all the way to Liam's ears. The boy froze, clenching a vehicle in each hand. He should just walk out and explain he had just been getting his police car. Voight liked Liam, he would believe him. But for whatever reason his feet just wouldn't cooperate and panic took over instead.

"Jay, come on in," Hank instructed. "Close the door. Okay, both Hailey and I have contacts in the international world and they did some digging on our behalf—well, actually your behalf. Are you interested in what they found concerning your ex?"

Jay took a moment before answering, but he finally croaked out an affirmative answer.

"Okay, her real name is Emma James, Liam, the guy you met, is her younger brother, by eleven months. They have several siblings," papers were shuffled, "Seamus, Eileen, Colleen, Callum, Joseph, Kieran and Eillish. Big family. Joseph was gunned down several years ago, don't have any details, but I'm sure he was in the middle of something insidious. They are the children of Killian and Faye James of Dublin, where the kids were born and raised.

"Now I've seen crime families in my day, but this group is a true crime syndicate. This group along with a bunch of other James' and Murphy's, which is Faye's family are into a lot of treacherous schemes, including but not limited to, stolen goods, drug trafficking, weapons trafficking, and word has it, human trafficking. From what I understood you want anything moved in Ireland or Northern Ireland, it goes through this family or you have their permission. There's ties to the IRA and Sinn Fein. They go deep and they go wide. And they go violent. The body count that they are responsible for is immeasurable."

"Is the father dead?"

"Killian? Yes. Died a few months ago in an explosion. No clues as to who or why. Some are saying it was just a building collapse, but not everyone is buying that. Apparently the building was in fine shape just before it came down."

"The rest of the family?"

"Well, apparently Emma had disappeared years ago, around thirteen or so. Some thought she had run off, but others thought she had been kidnapped and killed by a rival. The father never gave up on finding her, probably not caring which she was a victim of; rivals or her own sense of freedom and morality. Then, suddenly she returns, what she told him is anyone guess, but she had always been dad's favorite. It may have been because she was pretty damn smart and looked just like him. Details are sketchy with specifics.

"But Jay, one does not just walk away from this family. There were plenty of reports of nieces, nephews, cousins etc. just disappearing. Some could be casualties of war, but others are more than suspected of being murdered by their own, because they dared to go against the family or just decided to make it on their own."

"What about now? What are they saying about Emma now?"

"She's in the wind. Her brother Liam stated that he had found her body and tossed it into the ocean, angry about her previous disappearance and not believing that she deserved the funeral and respect that their father would be receiving. There's been no sightings of her since that day, so who knows what really happened. The currents out there are apparently pretty strong."

"What about the family now that their patriarch is dead?"

"Battling it out for the hierarchy. There's no reason to think that you and Liam aren't safe. I believe Emma went to great lengths to make sure that you never existed in her world."

"If you love them, let them go." Jay said absentmindedly.

"Something like that."

"Thanks Sarge," Jay said as he went back into the outer office area trying to digest what he had just been told.

Hank went behind his desk and tugged his chair out and looked down and shook his head and then looked up at the ceiling. "Get out here," he told Liam, who crawled out from under the desk. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put you over my knee right now?"

Liam looked up and squinched his eyes, trying to look contrite. "Because I'm already in therapy."

The answer caught Hank by surprise and he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from going up.

"It was an accident. I swear," Liam tried. He explained how the car ended up in the office and he had just gone into get it but then heard him coming and panicked because his dad had just lectured him about eavesdropping. "So please don't tell my dad." He pleaded.

"Jay, can you come back in here please?" Hank called out.

"Seriously?" Liam asked.

"Seriously," Hank stated. "Why should I protect you for doing the wrong thing? In my office no less."

"Yeah," Jay said looking through the door and seeing his son. "What are you doing in here? When did you even get here?"

"Long enough ago that he heard every word of our discussion."

"You're kidding me right?" Jay asked as he looked at his son.

"It was an accident," Liam said pleading his case with the cars again.

"Wow," Jay said shaking his head back and forth. "Unbelievable."

"I said I was sorry," Liam spat back.

"Did you forget who you were talking to?" Jay asked, his eyes hardening as the words volleyed back and forth.

"No, I just—" but Liam gave up.

"I think I'm going to take these two cars and see how they do in the hallway," Voight said taking the cars from Liam. "And leave you two alone."

Hank left, closing the door behind him. "Sit down," Jay ordered pointing to the couch. Liam did as he was told but wasn't happy about it. "Didn't we just talk about this a few weeks ago?" Liam stayed quiet, looking down at the floor. "Answer me."

"I guess."

"You guess? Seems to me that we did. How things weren't always meant for your ears and this most definitely wasn't meant for your ears. And you had absolutely no right to be in Sarge's office without permission."

"I know." Liam admitted.

"You owe him an apology."

"Okay."

"Yes sir," Jay reminded.

"Yes sir," Liam replied sighing. "Hey, I waited forever for my ride. How come you couldn't come get me?"

"Because I made an arrest and had to talk to the offender. Unfortunately it was at the same time I was supposed to pick you up."

"How come the bad guys always win?"

"What do you mean?"

"You always drop me to deal with them, but you never ignore them to deal with me."

"I'm dealing with you right now. And because I can't tell the criminal to hang around and wait for me to get back to them. It just doesn't work that way. You know that."

"So mom's family is like the mob?" Liam said changing the subject.

"Apparently."

"Would you have told me?"

"Some of it, but you didn't need to know the details."

"Like which details?"

"Most of the conversation. Your mom came from a rough family, she feared that it would intrude on your life and therefore thought it best to walk away in an effort to protect you and me. That's what I would have told you."

"And I would have asked why."

"We are not going to have this conversation since you already know every detail."

"So it's good huh?"

"What's good?" Jay asked, his arms folded as he leaned against Voight's desk.

"That she had a real reason to ditch me—ditch us."

"Yes she did have a reason. And it's something that we are going to have to accept."

"Because she's never coming back?"

"I don't know if she will."

"I hope she doesn't."

Jay cocked his head. "What makes you say that?"

"Because it hurt too much to see her leave again. When we were on the L she kept saying we had to go back, because she was technically kidnapping me. How can she kidnap me, I'm her son. It's like she isn't really my mom anymore."

"It has to do with the legalities of the matter. Because she left she gave up her rights to you. I am your only custodial parent." Jay explained, leaving out that she had signed over all of her parental rights not long after leaving the first time.

"What does that even mean?"

"It means she has no legal rights to you, and I hadn't given her permission to take you anywhere. I could have had her arrested."

"She said that. But I told her that you wouldn't do that."

"Not as long as I got you back safe and sound—and quickly."

"She wanted to go back as soon as we got on the train."

"She was right."

"I hated her for it. All I wanted was to talk to her, learn why she left, but all she wanted was to get rid of me."

"She was right to get you back. She shouldn't have left with you."

"I dragged her with me. It was my fault."

"I get it buddy, you wanted to see her, talk to her, ask her a million questions. But she couldn't give you the answers that you weren't ready to hear. Or should have ever heard. But you broke the rule again today, and here we are."

"Are we going home soon?"

"I have to check on a few things but I hope so. We're going to talk about this again," Jay promised.

"Hey Jay, there was a sighting of our suspect in Humboldt Park. If we leave now, maybe we can catch him," Upton said walking into the office. "Oh, Liam. I didn't know you were here. Um, maybe I can grab—" she said looking back into the empty main office behind her.

"No worries, I can hitchhike home," Liam quipped.

"I've got him," Hank said as he reappeared. "You two go. Pick him up later at my place."

"You sure Sarge?" Jay asked.

"No problem. Go get your man."

"Hello, is anybody interested in what I think?" Liam piped up.

"Hey, pal, this is a big case, Sarge will take care of you and we will talk about this more later."

"It's always later. Whatever."

"You know I hate that word," Jay said kneeling down so he was face to face with his son.

"Whatever," Liam repeated.

Jay leaned forward so that his forehead was against his son's. "Don't say whatever. We will talk about that too. I will see you later tonight. I love you." He said as he planted a kiss on top of Liam's head as he stood up. "Behave for Sarge."

Hank stood by his desk as Jay and Hailey left his office and Liam sat there pouting. "Wow, that's a mean face," Hank said.

"It's like I don't even matter."

"You matter very much, which is one of the reasons he is going to get one more bad guy off the streets."

"Whatever," Liam said once again.

"You know, I don't like that word either." Liam's lips were pursed to say again as he had with his dad, but he was interrupted. "Why don't you go say goodbye to your father like the well behaved young man that I know you are. Go on," Hank instructed.

Liam got up and went into the main office where Jay was grabbing his vest and slipping it on. "You okay?" Jay asked as Liam watched him.

"Don't take it off until you are back here," Liam said speaking of the vest. "Be careful."

"I always am. Come here," he waved Liam towards him. The boy made his way over and Jay pulled him close.

After he let him go, Liam looked up at him. "Go get the bad guy."

"We always get our man," Hailey said as she winked.

"Get started on your homework," Jay called out as he left.

"You heard him, get started. I have some phone calls to make and then we'll get out of here. Think about what you want to eat for dinner."

_To be continued...one more time_

_Soundtrack: No Talk by Lowell_


	18. Caught in a Loop Part IV

**Caught in a Loop**

**Part IV**

_A/N I just want to thank you everyone who has left reviews—you have know idea how much I appreciate them. And a special shout out to the guests whom I can't answer personally!_

An hour later Hank came out of his office to find Liam sitting at Jay's desk, a math book and workbook off to the side. "Finish everything?"

"Just had some math. We had study time at the end of the day." Liam said as he continued to doodle on a blank piece of copy paper.

"Let's take a look. Using exponents." He read. "This is fifth grade math?"

"Pretty sure," Liam replied. "Fractions, decimals, it's all fun." He said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Is it now?"

"No. Not at all. I hate math."

"What are you doing now?"

"Just drawing."

"Can I see?"

"I suck at it."

"That's okay, I'm no art critic." He said as he took the drawing. "Okay so this little guy over here is you?" Liam nodded. "And let's see there's a vest with a star on it, a badge, a gun, handcuffs, a truck, a desk and a phone, then I want to say that this guy over here on the other side of all that is your dad?"

"Yep."

"So you think that all this stuff is between you and your dad?"

"Duh. Look at me sitting here at his desk where he works, and we're still not together."

"This is the stuff you are supposed to talk to your counselor about."

"So does everybody know I'm in therapy?"

"No, but you just told me you were in therapy after I caught you in my office."

"Oh, yeah. Because my mom came back. It kinda messed me up."

"I imagine so. Hungry?" Liam nodded as he put his books in his backpack while Hank took the picture back to his office. He thought it might be good for Jay to know what was in his son's head, not that there was much guesswork to it. Maybe it was a good reminder for Hank to have handy on days that got too long.

"So what are you in the mood for?" Hank asked as he pulled his coat on.

"Ummm, Indian." Liam decided.

"Indian? That's about the last thing I expected you to say. Okay then, let's go. Zip up and put your hat on it's cold out there."

"Kay," Liam said pulling his backpack on.

An hour later the dinners were set in front of them. "That's a lot of vegetables." Hank remarked.

"I like vegetables." Liam replied.

"Good for you."

"I guess so. Can I have a soda?"

"Would your dad let you have a soda?"

"Sure he would."

"So if I texted him right now and asked, he would tell me that it was allowed?"

"Absolutely," Liam said, but he his eyes flickered and looked away. "But you can't text him because he's busy. What was he going to go do anyway?"

"Catch the bad guy."

"I mean in detail."

"I can't tell you details."

"Is he always safe?"

Hank thought back to the time Jay gave chase alone and was shot. "There was only one time when he wasn't and he learned from that mistake. I made sure of it."

"Is that when he was shot going after the arsonist?"

"So he told you?"

"I figured most of it out already. But yeah, he finally admitted to it."

"Your father was a soldier, and a damn good one, this stuff is a piece of cake in comparison."

"So no soda?" Liam asked hopefully.

"Nope, drink your water," he said as he thought back to the conversation that he had had a week after the shooting. He was still pretty angry with his subordinate, but Jay was thinking straight and Hank wasn't as fiery. His anger having subsided a bit.

"I know Sarge, it was stupid—really stupid." Jay admitted as he sat in Hank's office that day.

"Your life is worth more than vengeance. For God's sake you have a child that depends on you. Are you willing to leave him an orphan?"

"God?" Jay said as he smiled. "Emma once called me an angel with a gun. In one of her letters to me in Afghanistan. I'm not quite sure what she meant by it. Maybe it means I have two sides? My duality?"

"Jay, I think you're getting a little off topic here and I think you're doing it on purpose because you don't want to think about what might have happened last week."

"You're probably right. Look, I don't know, it's like I believed I had some kind of invisible shield because any worthy god wouldn't take both of my sons parents."

"But there are no guarantees and you damn well know that. You bear responsibility in what happens to you and how it affects your son. What happened last week is never to happen again. Am I understood?"

"Yes sir."

"You'll be healed soon, but you'll remain on desk duty until further notice. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir," Jay repeated, realizing just how lucky he had been to escape with his life. He owed Liam better than that.

"You think of that child first, always first."

"Did he get grounded?" Liam asked, bringing Hank back to the present, his memories still swirling. He asked even though he already knew that Jay had been assigned to desk duty.

"Pretty much. I watch out for him, like I do all my guys."

"What did you say to him?" Liam wanted to know.

"That is between your father and me."

"Fine," Liam sighed. "I miss Erin." He said suddenly.

"What made you think of her?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, I just did. My dad liked her, I mean really liked her."

"Did you like her?"

"Yeah. She was nice to me and really cool. She didn't talk down to me like I was a little kid. Plus, my dad was happy, happier than he is now. Why did she leave?"

"Her career took her down a different road. I think it was hard for her to leave. I'm pretty sure she liked you and your dad too."

"And you. Weren't you like her adopted dad?"

"Who told you that?"

"She did. She said you saved her from the streets, took her in. She had a shittier mother than I did."

"Hey, young man, watch your mouth. Does your dad let you talk like that?"

"No. Sorry, it just came out."

"Next time it comes out there will be consequences. Understand?"

"Yeah."

"Yes sir." Hank reminded.

"Yes sir. Can I have some ice cream for dessert?" Liam asked.

Hank looked at him sternly but then sighed. "Sure, after you ate all those vegetables, you can have ice cream."

"Plus I didn't have soda."

"Right, no soda. What flavor do you want?" 

"Chocolate. It's the best kind." Liam hesitated for a moment. "Sometimes, when my dad and Erin were—together, I would pretend—never mind, it's stupid."

"I bet it's not stupid at all."

"I would pretend they were married and I could call her mom. Sometimes I would pretend she was my mom, like we were a normal family. See, stupid."

"Not stupid. Not stupid at all. And I think Erin would have loved that."

"Why does everybody leave?"

"Because sometimes that's just the way the world works."

An hour later with the both of them settled in at Voight's house, Hank jumped Liam's red checker and looked over at the boy who seemed lost in his own world. "You payin' attention at all?

"Hmm? Sorry."

"What's up with you kid?"

"Nothing. I'm good. Just tired I guess."

"I've known you since you were five and this is more than being tired. Spill it. That's an order!" He said as Liam looked like he was going to protest.

"But I don't work for you," Liam said. But Hank just looked at him with his hardened face. "Okay. There's this bully at school. A sixth grader." He began.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No. Well a few months ago he shoved me into the lockers, but my friend Dylan punched him and said if he ever hurt me again he would kill him."

"Good friend." Voight commented.

"But Dylan moved. Before he did, he told Alex that if he ever hit or pushed me again, he would come back and smash him."

"Has he hit you?"

"No. But the other day he called me a bastard. Well, he said I was a bastard son. So I looked it up and he's right. I talked to Kyle Casey about it and he told me he was too, but at least his parents were in a relationship, mine were barely friends.

"I know that my dad was deployed the whole time my mom was pregnant."

"Not all of it, not the very beginning." Hank reminded.

"Splitting hairs."

Hank looked surprised at Liam's choice of words. "No, not splitting hairs." He got up and went over to a shelf and brought a small framed picture back of Jay and Liam taken a couple of years ago. It showed a candid shot of father and son after a baseball game, Liam in uniform talking to Jay who was on one knee looking at his son. "You two look too much alike to ever doubt that he is your father."

"You have a picture of us?"

"I have pictures of people I like. Besides, I just happened to get this one and I thought it came out pretty damn good." Liam looked over and nodded in agreement. "And, you and your father act way too much alike."

"We do?"

"Stubborn, lead with your heart, always trying to see the best in people and then taking it hard when they disappoint. But then you try all over again."

"Even if I am his, a big if, then I'm a total mistake."

"Liam, if the planet only contained people who had been planned—well the world would be a lot emptier."

"Unplanned is different than mistake."

"You are not a mistake. Your dad loves you so much it worries me."

"It does? How?"

"He's thinking about you, what he's missing instead of the task at hand. But usually once it's go-time he switches gears pretty well. He has your picture up in his truck visor and looks at before we head into a touchy situation. In fact, he has this one," he said holding up the frame.

"Is what you said about my mom true? Is her family that bad? Is she bad?"

"What I said is true. And yes, her family is responsible for a lot of violence. But she left, she got away from it all. But situations like hers aren't easy to leave and she was afraid it would follow her so that's why she went back."

"Why?"

"Because if her father was looking for her here, he might find you and your father. But if she shows back up then the search is over and you and Jay remain unknown. Sometimes if you love someone you have to set them free."

"Huh?"

"She loved you so much that as hard as it was for her to leave you, she did so that you would be safe. She was afraid that her family would find her and find you. She didn't want you caught up in that life or anywhere near it. So she left and by doing so, her family was no longer a danger to you.

"She lost a big part of herself the day she left Chicago, but she did it anyway, because your safety is all that mattered."

"Then, I was a mistake, because she would have never had me otherwise."

"Unexpected. But, I'm sure she never thought of you as a mistake, ever. She isn't the crappy mom you make her out to be. Where did that kid hear the word bastard?"

Liam shrugged. "Game of Thrones I think."

"Well there was one bastard that could have ruled the seven kingdoms or whatever, but was wise enough to know he had to do what was best for all of the people, even though that meant letting go."

Liam seemed to ponder that for a moment. "I guess. It's just hard not having her here. I mean most of my friends, even if their parents are divorced their mom lives with them. I don't even get to see her."

"What do you tell people?"

"That she lives in Ireland."

"Honest answer."

"Not really. I have no idea where she lives. She just told us that's where she was going. It's just that my dad works so much that I feel left out. I mean he was supposed to pick me up from the doctors office and he couldn't and then we were supposed to go home but he couldn't even do that. Stood-up twice in one afternoon."

"You know that police work doesn't follow a typical schedule. He had arrested a suspect and was in the middle of an interrogation when you needed to be picked up. But he made sure you had a ride and were taken care of. And this afternoon," Hank said as Liam opened up his mouth to say something, "we had a solid lead that he needed to check out."

"But he made sure I was cared for," Liam finished.

"By the best babysitter in all Chicago."

"Yeah yeah. Can we play again?" Liam asked looking down at the checkerboard.

"Best two out of three?"

Liam nodded pulling his red pieces towards him. "I can barely remember her. I mean, I recognized her that day, but before then I couldn't remember what she sounded like or how she dressed or things that we did together." Hank sat listening quietly. "That's where I was going that day."

"What day? The day you skipped school?"

"Yeah. I was going to go to our old apartment. But once I left school, I realized I had no idea where to go. I couldn't even remember what neighborhood we had lived in. I felt so lost, so alone. How could I have forgotten where we lived? Forgotten everything?"

"Because you were five when she left," Hank reminded.

"She was my mother and as you said let me go, but I have let her go too."

"They say there is nothing more sad than a motherless child. And I when I lost my wife and looked at my son I truly believed that. Father's love their children and are important in their lives, but losing a mother—"

"But mine just walked away."

"And you know why."

"I'm tired. Can we play later?" Liam asked.

"Sure," Hank said as Liam headed towards the couch and laid down.

An hour later when Jay came to pick him up, Liam was still sleeping so Hank pulled him into the kitchen and filled him concerning their earlier conversation.

"I thought we had a good talk a couple of weeks ago. I made sure he understood how much I loved him and how important he is to me."

"It's the job, the hours. I know Camille went through the same thing with Justin—explaining why I couldn't attend certain things or why I had to leave in the middle. Liam doesn't have that gentle touch. I know you have a great sitter, but she isn't his mother.

"I think this kid at school picked open a healing wound. I think he probably was doing better after your talk, but the kid hit him where it hurt and opened it all back up. All of his doubts and feelings of abandonment. He's just feeling a little left out right now."

"I can't believe he thinks that I'm not his biological father."

"I think he's doubting a lot of things right now."

"I am. I am his biological father. I have a DNA test to prove it," Jay explained as Voight looked at him. "I didn't want to get one, I knew—the timing was perfect—he looked just like me as a newborn. But mostly I felt it. Corny I know, but it was true. Emma was clearly a big liar, but not about Liam. Never about Liam.

"My dad made me get the test, the cynical old bastard."

"Maybe it's time you shared the results."

"Maybe," Jay sighed. "Did he tell you the bully's name?"

"I believe he said Alex."

"I didn't know that Dylan had protected him. I made Liam stop playing with him since they often got into trouble together, but I had no idea what had happened at school."

"You might want to keep a close eye on any clues that this Alex is becoming a problem again."

Jay nodded. "There was an event at the school a few days ago. It was for kids to honor their parents, but was mostly geared towards moms. It was supposed to help show appreciation for adults around them. Liam had to be there because the band played a few selections. I couldn't make it—again. Ellie told me that she overheard some kid ask Liam if she was his mother."

"That might have been him. Gave him ammunition when he discovered Liam's mother wasn't around. He fired and it hit Liam right in the heart."

"Yeah, it did. I better get him home."

"Jay. You know I allow very little wiggle room for personal issues, but that little boy means a lot to me and there are times when he needs you and you just have to let me know when those times are. When I can allow you some slack—I will."

"Thanks Sarge, but I don't want any special treatment."

"I know, but that's why I'm willing to give it to you."

Jay nodded as he grabbed Liam's coat and walked over to the couch. "Hey buddy, let's get your coat on," he said quietly as he got Liam up to a sitting position and slipped his arms in the coat.

"Here's his boots. He took them off before he got on the couch." Jay slipped them on the still mostly sleeping child. He tied them and then picked Liam up. "Here's his back pack," Hank said slipping it on Jay's shoulder. "Do you want to take the blanket?" He asked, speaking of the blanket that he had used to cover the boy.

"No. The truck will warm up quickly. But thanks boss—for everything."

Liam was still zonked out when they got home so Jay carried him inside, juggling the boy so he could unlock the doors. Once in the apartment, he set him on his bed and unzipped his coat and pulled his boots of causing Liam to stir. "Hey, hey buddy," Jay whispered quietly. "We're home. Why don't you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth real quick while I get your bed ready?"

Liam barely opened his eyes as he looked around. "We're home?"

"Yep. Go finish getting ready for bed."

"Kay," he said as Jay pulled off his coat as he stood up. He took the newly freed coat, the boots and backpack and put them by the door where the would be easily found in the morning. He took a quick look around for the missing sneaker and found it under a wayward sweatshirt that Liam had probably tossed on the floor yesterday. He lined both shoes up by the boots. He really wasn't up to another footwear argument.

He went back to his son's bedroom just in time to see Liam come in, kicking his jeans into the corner and flopping into bed. "Did you brush your teeth?" Liam grumbled incoherently. "I'll take that as a yes. Let's change your shirt," he said attempting to pull off the old one as he tugged Liam up to a sitting position.

"I can do it," Liam said, his eyes closed. He peeled off his shirt as Jay handed him another one.

"You have to open your eyes."

Liam did and pulled the shirt on and fell back into bed. "Did you catch the bad guy?"

"No. But we have more leads so that we can do that soon. Did you have fun with Sarge?"

"It was okay. I got ice cream."

"Good deal. Goodnight kiddo. I love you," Jay said pulling the blankets over Liam.

"Did you wear your vest?" Liam asked.

"Absolutely. Goodnight."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay with me until I fall asleep."

"Sure," Jay agreed sitting in bed next Liam. He pulled the covers a little tighter and pushed the boys bangs off his forehead. In response Liam threw his arm over Jay's lap and quickly drifted off into slumber.

Once Jay had finally extricated himself from his sons loose grasp he went through his own bedtime routine. He sat down on his bed holding the DNA report in his hands. He kept it in his fireproof box along with all the other important papers. He looked at the numbers, absolute proof, the one black and white thing in his life. He then went to his picture gallery on his phone and opened up the file named Liam and began to scroll, taking in the many faces of his son. Why would Liam ever doubt the biology. But clearly Jay had at one time, at least a little bit in order for his father to convince him. Or perhaps it was just in preparation for this day.

How different would things have been if Erin had stayed? If she had accepted his offer of marriage. Would it have all worked out, where would they be now? Questions without answers. Jay hadn't found anyone else that he was prepared to give his heart to—other than his son, who currently was questioning the very foundation of their reality.

Voight was right, he had been hurt by his mother leaving again so it made sense that he would question the one other person he could. Jay didn't believe that Liam really questioned his paternity—not deep in his heart. He was just feeling lost and alone, and Jay had just walked out on him, putting work first once again.

That night as he slept, Jay had a dream. Liam was in the middle, Jay was holding one of his hands and Emma the other. They were each pulling the boy towards them while Liam was yelling, "let me go." But Jay wasn't sure which parent he was demanding to be freed from.

Jay jerked awake when his alarm sounded. His phone laying next to him in bed. He sat up and saw Liam standing there, still half asleep. "You okay?"

"Your alarm was going off forever."

"It was?"

"Yeah." Liam said rubbing his eyes.

Jay patted the bed next to him, inviting Liam to come over. "I think we need to talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Maybe a little bit about the eavesdropping. But I'm sorry about yesterday. Believe me I wanted to pick you up and get home early, but it just didn't work out that way."

"I know. I'm sorry I got mad. It's just that I get disappointed that you aren't home because you have to work. I wish that you had a different job."

"You do huh?"

"Yeah."

"Like what?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know. Something that has regular hours and days off."

"I get that. And it does sound nice, but what would I do?" Liam shrugged again. "Can you see me as a mailman?" Liam shook his head. "A pizza maker?" Jay asked, his eyes wide. Again Liam shook his head. "A barber? I know, a teacher in your school."

"No," Liam laughed.

"Well, then what else could I be?"

"I don't know. I guess you have to be a cop."

"I guess I have to."

"I know you're good at it and that your job is important."

"But so are you. Sarge said you were upset last night and said that you felt like you were a mistake."

"I am. I know I am. It's okay. I wasn't planned, but you kept me. Well, first mom did, then you did."

"Because I'm your dad. You know that right?"

"I guess."

"Do you doubt that I am?"

"Jeff Howell found out that his dad isn't really his dad. He married his mom when he was little and adopted him."

"But his dad still loves him right?"

"I guess so."

Jay reached over and grabbed the DNA test. "Do you know what this is?" He asked showing it to Liam who shook his head. "It's a test. I took a q-tip and put inside my cheek and then I did the same to you."

"I don't remember."

"You were a little baby. Then I sent the swabs to a lab so they could compare them. And do you know what they said?" Once again Liam shook his head. "See this number," he said pointing to the 99.99997%. "It means that without a doubt I am your father. So you're stuck with me."

"Sarge did say we looked and acted the same way."

"Did you really doubt that I was your father?"

"No. Not really. I was just mad. How come you took the test? Did you want me to be your son?"

"Absolutely."

"What if I wasn't?"

"It wouldn't have mattered. It would have been like your friend Jeff's situation. You were my son from the moment you were born."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

"This weekend we are definitely going to talk about what you overheard in Sarge's office."

"About my mom?"

"Yeah, that."

"Are we going out running?" Liam asked as he bounced on the bed, wanting to change the subject.

"Hmmm, I don't think we will today. I think we'll do something else."

"What?" Liam asked.

"I think it's time for a Nerf war," he said jumping off the bed running to Liam's room with his son hot on his trail, to the weapons cache in the closet of Liam's room.

"No fair," Liam yelled as he ran into the room behind Jay. "I want the big one."

"Oh you do, well then I get this one," he said picking up a rapid fire option.

The next twenty minutes were spent hiding behind the couch, under the kitchen table, with soft bullets flying along with pillow bombs and rolled up sock grenades. When the battle was all said and done, Jay collapsed on his back on the floor and Liam fell on top of him.

"Truce," Jay said.

"Truce," Liam agreed. "I can hear your heartbeat," he said as his head was on Jay's chest.

"Yeah? What's it sound like?"

"Thump-thump, thump-thump."

"Well that's good."

"I hope it beats forever."

"I hope so too, well for a very long time at least."

_Soundtrack: Heroes Fall by Hidden Citizens (at the very end)_


	19. Bitter Taste of Broken Glass

_**A/N just another reminder that if you want to meet Kyle, he is the protagonist in my fanfic from Chicago Fire, called The Fire and the Flame.**_

_**I have attached the very end of the previous chapter to segue into this one. I had always thought that the show had the potential to dive into much more drama and bigger storyline that what they decided on when Jay was shot—so here's a bit more drama for you**_.

_The next twenty minutes were spent hiding behind the couch, under the kitchen table, with soft bullets flying along with pillow bombs and rolled up sock grenades. When the battle was all said and done, Jay collapsed on his back on the floor and Liam fell on top of him._

_"Truce," Jay said._

_"Truce," Liam agreed. "I can hear your heartbeat," he said as his head was on Jay's chest._

_"Yeah? What's it sound like?"_

_"Thump-thump, thump-thump."_

_"Well that's good."_

_"I hope it beats forever."_

_"I hope so too, well for a very long time at least."_

**The Bitter Taste of Broken Glass**

"I have a heartbeat." The doctor yelled. "Jay, Jay can you hear me?"

"We need to get Liam," Voight said. "I don't want him hearing about this on the news or social media. I can't have a repeat of the Kyle Casey episode of a few years ago." He said thinking back to when Firehouse 51 was involved in a factory fire and so many of the firefighters were trapped, including Matt Casey and Kelly Severide. Kyle, had heard about it via a friend who had seen it on the news and took off from school and got to the scene, eventually having to be held back from entering the burning building by Chief Boden.

Voight did not want to risk a terrified ten year old attempting to get to the hospital on his own.

"I'll go," Ruzek volunteered. "I think it should be me. I mean, we spent time together recently." He stammered trying to state why he should be the one as Voight looked at him, his standard deadpan, stoic look intact.

"Okay. Go. But Adam, try to keep it vague. I don't want a hysterical child before we have any details."

"Copy that boss," Ruzek said, uncertain exactly how he was going make that happen. Liam was a wise soul and would instantly know something was up and that it wasn't good. He didn't know if he could stall Liam long before he would be forced to tell him the truth.

"I'll call the school and let them know you're coming so Liam can be ready when you get there." Voight said. "Burr Elementary on Wabansia." He called out.

"Right." Adam said absentmindedly, with his focus already on the conversation he was going to have with the younger Halstead he hadn't really thought about where he was going.

Liam had been told to leave class and get his things and be ready to be picked up. There had been no details given and it had left him feeling unsettled. He texted his dad to see if something was up, but it had gone unanswered. But if Jay was driving or busy he wouldn't answer. He didn't think this was going a good surprise, his father generally wasn't one to pull his child out of school for a fun field trip. He had headed up to the office to wait, but realized he forgot his assignment notebook and had to go back to his locker as his stomach churned with apprehension.

Adam screeched to a halt outside of the school and double parked, hanging up his police parking pass, giving him free reign of parking throughout the city. He hit the buzzer on the door, looked up at the camera and when he wasn't instantly buzzed in he held his badge up the camera. The door clicked and he hustled inside. The office wasn't far from the front door and he easily found his way to the main desk.

"I'm here to pick up Liam Halstead. Sergeant Hank Voight was supposed to call ahead." Adam explained.

"Are you on the list for pick-ups?" The secretary asked. "If you're not on the list I'm not sure if I can let him leave with you."

"I'm CPD, I work with his father," Adam said holding up his badge. "You can call dispatch and tell them my badge number."

"But if you're not on the list," she repeated looking uncertain.

"He is. He is on the list," Liam said as he walked into the room. "Check it. Adam Ruzek. There should also be Hank Voight, Kevin Atwater, Kim Burgess, Antonio Dawson, I don't think he was taken off yet, and Hailey Upton." Liam knew their names were all on his pick-up list as a precaution for a day that neither he or Jay had hoped would ever come.

"Oh, yes, here you are." She said as she tapped away on the computer keyboard. "I just need to see your drivers license."

Adam had a hard time yanking his wallet out of his pocket as he tried to remain calm and steady, but was failing miserably.

"Is he dead?" Liam asked, almost as if he was in a trance.

Adam's heart thudded in his chest. There were no right answers here and delay tactics were not going to work with this kid. He showed the secretary his driver's license and tried to patiently wait as she scrutinized it. "I need you to take it out so I can scan it into the system."

"Seriously?" Adam asked.

"Yes. So it goes into the record."

"Fine," he said trying to tug it from the tight sleeve where it made its home.

"Is he dead?" Liam asked again, in the same lifeless tone he had only seconds ago.

"No. But I'm here to take you to the hospital." Adam said looking at the secretary who was feeding the license through a tiny machine. "Are we almost done?"

"Yes," she said handing it back to him, her face nearly quivering as she absorbed Liam's question.

"Got everything?" Adam asked, but Liam remained quiet. "Let's go." Ruzek said as he grabbed Liam's bag and put his hand on the boys back and steered him towards the door.

Once they were outside Adam jogged towards the car while Liam stopped in his tracks. "Come on buddy, we need to get going." Ruzek yelled.

"Was he shot?"

"Listen kiddo, let's just go. We'll find out more details at the hospital," Adam practically begged.

"You know the answer, tell me! Was he wearing his vest? He always promised he would wear his vest." Liam yelled.

"I'm not sure. It was complicated, it wasn't a routine situation."

"But he's alive?" Liam asked, his voice rising again. Adam nodded as Mandy Peppercorn came walking down the street. "You're not lying to me are you?"

Adam cleared his throat. "He was alive when I left the hospital."

"But it's bad, isn't it?" 

"I don't have details, I really don't."

"What happened?" Mandy asked as she saw Liam. "Is it your dad?"

"Is he dead!?" Liam screamed, nearly collapsing.

Mandy's hand came up to her mouth. "Oh no. Please no."

"Liam, I'm asking you, begging you to get in the car. We're going to straight to the hospital and we'll find out the details you want to know when we get there." Adam said as he walked over to Liam and tried to guide him towards the car.

Liam wanted more than anything to get to his dad, but if he got in this car, it would make it all real. The tragedy in whatever scale, would be happening. He felt so severed from everything and everyone. All alone, alone in this unknown purgatory. In one ear the world was whispering and in his other it was screaming. He could hear his heartbeat, while at the same time he wondered if his dad still had one.

It was as if his body and mind were turning off and on—his body tingling with adrenaline, his mind suddenly lost in a void. Then his mind would switch on and come alive and his body would become numb. He hadn't even felt Adam pick him up and set him in the backseat of the car, unaware until he head the seatbelt click into place.

Jay had promised he would always wear his vest—had he been ambushed or simply forgot that sacred trust? Liam's mind was spinning, but going nowhere. He was vaguely aware of Adam talking, and then vaguely aware of the silence that had settled in the car.

He squeezed his eyes closed, surprised when they released tears he hadn't known were there. He put his hand to his cheeks and discovered that they were wet. When had that happened? His heart felt like it was being squeezed, the blood flowing out but not coming back in. His mind raced ahead, he couldn't help it. He saw a coffin, his father inside of it, looking more peaceful that Liam could ever recall in life. Jay was in uniform, something that he rarely saw, and always took him by surprise when Jay had to wear his issued police blues for some reason. Will was next to him, his arm around his small shoulders. The twenty-one gun salute, the rows and rows of uniformed police all saluting. Liam an orphan—alone.

He could hear Adam's voice again, but it seemed to be directed at something or someone outside of the car. He tried to think about what he saw outside of the car window, but none of it seemed to register. His backpack was in the seat next to him, though he had no memory of it after he had put his notebook in it. Had he put in the car or had Adam? Why was he even thinking about it at all?

Time had slipped into some kind of strange loop where it seemed to take forever to get to the hospital, yet their arrival seemed much too soon. The car edged into the mouth of the parking garage and began to go ever higher in an effort to find a home. Liam always hated parking garages, they were dark and cold, with strange echoes pinging around. He never knew how his dad could even find the truck once they had left it behind. It was like a dream where everything looks the same and you feel like you aren't going anywhere. Kind of like now, he felt like Dylan's gerbil that ran on the little wheel in her cage. Spinning and spinning.

As the pain had hit him so did the realization that this could be the end of it all. Part of him was relieved, but the other part could only think of his son. Emma would never, could never come back and claim him. Liam would be for all intents and purposes an orphan. He would bounce back, he was a resilient kid. But he wasn't wearing his vest, he had always promised. But he couldn't, what had even happened? He couldn't remember, his thoughts, his everything was all jumbled up. He tried to take a breath, but the pain took it back from him. Angela, he had gone to help Angela. She had shot him, he had gotten free and gone to help her but she had shot him. That couldn't be right, but it's what he thought had happened.

Liam would be at school, Ellie was going out of town, who would pick him up? Mandy would be there, she would stay with him. Liam would call someone to come get him. Wouldn't he? Someone from the team would get him or Will. Wouldn't they? And then with his concern mounting he drifted off, even while hearing his name being screamed at him.

The waiting room at the hospital seemed surreal and Liam didn't know what to say or do once they had arrived. He had never felt so alone while being around so many people. He stood and looked around, seeing a lot of faces, many familiar, but just as many foreign to him—the pain of this event spreading in ever widening circles. But this was his pain most of all, his and Will's. A pain and fear he never wanted but always felt would come. He hadn't even been aware that he was shaking until Adam had picked him up and sat down with him in his lap, holding him so tightly that Liam could feel the man's heartbeat. It took him back to the morning when Liam and Jay had had their epic Nerf battle ending with Liam collapsed on his fathers chest listening to the beauty of the human heart doing its job. Was it working now, was it stopped? Was it going to stop? His father possibly dying or even dead and his mother gone. She could never return, but at least now he knew why. A product of a violent family and upbringing. A family he didn't know and knew nothing of him, but if he could ask one thing of his lost tribe, the family that would swallow him whole if they were aware of his existence, he would ask them to seek revenge against the person who had shot his father.

Hank looked over as Adam clung to Liam as if the boy would be violently jerked away at any moment. The man was staring off into the distance, but seeing nothing while the boy, the boy was losing the little innocence that he had left. People, police officers, first responder's of all types, were pouring through the door to offer their support and any assistance that they could offer. The room that smelled of bitter coffee and fleeting hope was filling quickly with humanity and its kindness. But Hank knew that Liam saw very little. He knew that he couldn't imagine his life without Jay and the thought of that little boy losing his father almost made his entire body shudder.

He hadn't even seen the message from the boys babysitter until they were already searching for Jay. She had texted him late the night before asking if Jay had been on assignment as he hadn't come home or contacted her to let her know. She said he always let her know when he was going to be late or not come home at all. She was leaving in the morning to help her sister recover from major surgery in Seattle, but please let her know if Liam needed anything or if something was wrong. He had stared at the message for several seconds before putting it back into his pocket unanswered.

Emma sat and stared off into the beauty of New Zealand that surrounded her but was unable to appreciate any of it. Her brother Liam had gone back to Dublin while she figured out what do with herself and her future. There was no place for her to go, nowhere was home or ever would be, life would always be somewhere else and for someone else. She missed both Liam's, big and small and she missed Jay, an ache of what could have been, a beautiful gift that had remained unopened. Her dreams were always of distant lives and things that she could never have. She would dress herself in them as if they were a wardrobe that she could never really wear. But every morning when her dreams ended she would have to put them all away and be satisfied that they had once lived within her.

She remembered when Jay first caught her eye, she saw him walk in the door at the house party, bottles of alcohol of some sort in his arms, a ready smile and the bravado only a soldier could carry. He had walked right past her, but in his wake she had felt something pull at her, a trail of promise of some sort. She had kept her eye on him, and despite doing that, she still had had no idea that he given her more than a sideways glance. And as she was debating on taking her leave, he stepped in front of her, offering a cup of something brown and potent. His smile was even more endearing up close and his eyes held something that she couldn't exactly put her finger on.

He introduced himself and asked her to dance, despite the fact that the only dancing going on was a bunch of people jumping up and down and the music was so loud they could barely hear each other despite shouting. She had shook her head no and saw his face fall just a bit, but when he turned to leave she reached out and grabbed his hand. She pulled him up the stairs and into the quietest room she could find, a back bedroom, where the coats and pillows had been mounded to the point the bed was almost unrecognizable. It was only then that she realized what he must be thinking, both of her and her actions.

"I just wanted to talk. I could barely hear you down there," she said, blushing as he had looked between her and the bed.

"Jay Halstead," he said sticking his hand out, his voice slightly tainted with the alcohol he had been consuming.

"Bridget O'Brien," she had replied.

And they spoke for hours, until they left together, and didn't part for days.

He had come home to see his family before he deployed to Afghanistan, an Army Ranger which she had found extremely sexy even before she ran her fingers over the ridges in his abdomen. He was bright and articulate, gentle and caring and despite trying to be a tough guy she could see the glow of his heart. He had stopped by his childhood home to discover his brother had left town, his mother hadn't been feeling well and the fact that he and his father still didn't get along. After an argument only minutes into his visit he had left. And now that she had found him, she wouldn't be letting go one second before she had to.

If anyone ever asked her what the best time in her life was the answer would always be the same—the days she had spent with the one and only love of her life. Of course everyone would say how can you know in such a short time what would ever measure up to be the love of ones life, but Emma had known, she had known from the moment she had seen him that he was the only one for her.

When she had discovered the tiny life growing inside her, the emotions were too complicated to ever understand much less explain. There would forever be a part of her and a part of Jay in the world.

This shouldn't have happened, she shouldn't have allowed it, but to end it was never a possibility. She could never take that promise away or the piece of the man that she would forever love. If only she could tell him of her love, feed it, let it grow. But the legacy she had been born to wouldn't allow her to have what she had always wanted, what she could hold in her palm for only moments at a time.

She had loved it all, her job of helping those in need, her apartment, the city, her life, but she gave it all up for what she had loved the most. She missed them so much, she had since the moment she had stepped from Chicago the first time, but in the end she was the one that had to live with herself and she couldn't do that if she had allowed harm to come to either one of them. She was only allowed a taste of distant lives and loves, and that would just have to be good enough.

She ran her thumb over the picture of Liam that Jay had given her. Her brother had told her she would rub his face away if she continued in her action, but she just couldn't seem to stop. It was as if somehow by touching the imprint of his face, it would make her feel closer to him, pretending to touch skin instead of photo paper.

She had made copies and tucked them away safely. She laid back on the patch of green that she had been sitting on and looked up at the sky. The clouds were thick and fluffy and could be anything the mind wanted them to be. She recalled a time when Liam was around four when she walked up on him and Jay staring into the sky in the tiny front yard of their apartment and described the dogs, elephants and top hats that floated above them. She knew then what she had always known; her son would be fine without her. That was all but confirmed as the vision of Liam wrapped around Jay as they walked away not long ago, leaving her this time instead of the other way around. Liam had raised his head from Jay's shoulder and waved at her, the tears still tiny diamonds on his face. Her vision blurry from her own emotions.

She shook her memory away and closed her eyes and saw the same picture she had always managed to conjure; she and Jay on the beach, hand in hand as Liam raced ahead picking up rocks and shells, running back to them to share his treasures. But it was always a dream, never meant to be. Jay would never be a beach walker, his mind and body yearning to always move forward. But a life that could have been theirs would have suited her just fine. The worst part of everything was that he believed that she hadn't really loved him even though nothing could have been further than the truth. If she hadn't pushed him away, then she would have pulled him close and close could have gotten him killed. Or was it her fear that made her push him away, was her father ever a real threat or did she use him as an excuse because it was her own uneasiness that prevented her from taking a chance with her future? She made a choice and never knew if it was the right one. And she would have to live with that for the rest of her life. She had no family around her, no home to go to, what kind of life did she have left to live?

Jay's mind fluttered, his world was cloudy and blurry and tilted. Nothing seemed to be matching up as it should. He could see figures in the distance but couldn't make out who they were. He could hear words floating around, but they seemed to break up before they settled in his ear. He could see Liam just off to his side, but the boy didn't seem to notice him. He continued to look off in another direction where Jay couldn't get his attention. He reached out, but then it was as if Liam had never really been there.

He could see Emma, she was crying, sitting on a tombstone and when he looked at it, the stone bore her name. She apologized over and over until her words just seemed to run dry. She wasn't apologizing for leaving, she was apologetic for never being there in the first place. It was as if he could feel her hair grazing his face as it laid on the pillow all those years ago. He remembered looking into her eyes and seeing so much more than he could ever understand. Even now he couldn't put all the pieces together. It would seem that he could never fall in love with someone whose complications didn't outweigh his. But he had his son, and the love of his son, the unconditional, unwavering love of his son.

But he missed her, he had always missed her and seeing her again was just as difficult for him as it was for Liam—as it was for her. She had told him that she loved him, he remembered her saying it in the hotel room, she loved him, had always loved him. Just as he had loved her. She was out there floating around, just out of his reach, was she with Liam? Did she know that he needed her right now? Would she come back?

Adam hadn't realized how tight a grip he had had on Liam until the boy wiggled to get free. He woke up from his mild stupor as Liam shifted back and forth attempting to escape his hold.

"Kyle," Liam said pulling free. "Adam, this is Kyle Casey, my friend. Captain Casey's son."

"Hey," Adam said snapping into the present. "Adam Ruzek, I think I may have met you before," he began as Kyle gave the slightest of all head shakes.

Kyle had stumbled into an undercover operation with Jay the year before when he was only twelve. They had played father and son for more than two weeks in an effort to take down a major drug king pin. In the end that had got their man, but it wasn't smooth or without casualties. Fortunately Liam had been at a summer camp in Michigan while the whole ordeal had taken place and had no idea it had ever happened. With all parties concerned wanting to keep it that way, it was likely Liam would never come to know of the adventure. But it meant that Kyle had more of a relationship with Jay than Liam was aware of or they could admit to.

The CPD had never been in the habit of using tender age children for undercover operations and despite the ultimate success, it wasn't something they had wanted to broadcast or ever give the idea that it could or would happen again. Kyle happily kept his mouth shut because he was afraid if he began to talk about the whole ordeal more than he wanted to say would come to light. But the experience had caused him to care about Jay and get to know Liam. And he was always looking for a nightmare to end or a problem to solve. And he had grown to like Liam and if he could be of any help, then he wanted to try.

"We heard about Jay and thought we'd stop by to see if there was anything we could do." Matt said standing there. "I called Kelly, but he's working with OFI now and is across town, but he'll be here as soon as he can."

"Captain," Voight said coming over offering his hand. Their relationship had started off on quite rocky ground and though Matt had never particularly forgiven what Voight had done, he had moved on. Kyle though, always looked at the man with suspicion, forgiveness not yet forthcoming or really ever on the horizon, it was unlikely that he would be moving on anytime soon. "Thanks for coming out."

"Has there been an update?"

"No. Not yet."

Kyle had gone straight to Liam and put his hand on his shoulder. "I won't bother asking how you are. Do you want to go for a walk? Just down one of the hallways?"

"Yeah. I can't stay here anymore. I feel like the walls are going to fall in on me."

"Can we take a walk Dad?" Kyle asked turning to Matt. "He needs to get out of here." Matt looked down at his son with uncertainty. "Not far, just down that hallway and around. I have my phone. We want to be nearby in case there's any news."

"I can't answer for Liam," Matt said quietly.

Liam turned and looked at the wealth of CPD behind him. "Adam, can I go with Kyle for a walk? Please. I need a break. I have my phone too."

Adam snapped awake and realized that Liam had asked for his permission. He had looked beyond Sarge and everyone else and had asked him. Was it because he had picked him up? Was it because they had spent time together recently? Will was busy, so who was actually in charge of the boy? "Um, yeah, okay." He replied, his voice shaky at best. "But stay with Kyle and don't go very far. Okay?"

"Okay," Liam replied.

"I'm serious Liam, if I call you, you had better answer."

"I will. I promise."

Adam shook his head as Matt sat down next to him and looked over his shoulder as the boys walked down the hallway. "Nervous energy," Matt said. "It's hard for boys to sit still for long."

"Yeah."

"I'm off shift today, I can take him home with me for the night. He knows me and Kyle and Kelly. Either Kelly or myself can get him to school or the district or here, if needed tomorrow."

"He has this great babysitter," Adam began before Voight interrupted him.

"She's in Seattle. We're going to have to figure out childcare. I have a feeling getting him to go to school tomorrow is going to be a chore." Hank said before returning to his seat.

"So what happened?" Kyle asked once they were far enough away.

"All I know was that he was shot. And I don't think he was wearing his vest."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"Anything else?" Kyle asked, knowing that sitting around waiting for news was the very worst thing that one could endure.

"I don't think he came home last night."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, he does that sometimes or he'll come home after I go to bed and leave before I get up, but my sitter was acting weird this morning, like she was worried but trying not to show it."

"Any tough cases lately?" Kyle asked.

Liam looked at his friend. "Kyle, he doesn't really discuss cases with me." But he had overheard a few that one night that he lay awake by his door listening to conversations he had no business hearing. He had no idea how old those cases were, or if any of them were relevant.

"True. Has he seemed different for a certain time?"

"Yes, but we've had a lot going on at home so I can't say what has caused what."

"Well, I'm sure it will all get figured out. Do they have a suspect?"

"I don't know. Adam picked me up from school. I only know that he's been shot and it's serious."

"Keep your eyes and ears open."

"Why?"

"Because the adults will tell us some watered down version of the truth, and you deserve more than that."

The boys wandered, keeping their thoughts and words to themselves. Kyle knew the uncertainty that Liam felt, though his experiences had been different. He felt that anxiety each day his father headed to his shift, just as he was sure Liam felt it as Jay clipped on his badge and gun. Both were sons of single fathers in dangerous professions and they held onto them with a fierce tenacity that few could ever understand.

"We should probably head back," Liam said, his voice shaky. "Maybe there's news."

"Yeah. Sure," the thirteen year old agreed.

"How'd we get here?" Liam asked looking down an unfamiliar corridor.

"We must have looped around somehow. But if we head that way we should get back to where we started," he said pointing down the hallway. They began to walk, Liam had his head down, looking at the floor as if it would offer up the answers he was seeking. He sighed and felt nausea quell up inside of him. He had grown tired of everyone offering him hot chocolate, water, snacks and he was so relieved when Kyle had gotten him out of the waiting room. He knew everyone had been trying to stay busy running to the cafeteria and vending machines attempting to contribute to his comfort or atone for the fact that their co-worker had slipped through their fingers.

Suddenly Kyle grabbed his arm and pulled him back against the wall. "Shhh," he said putting his finger to his lips. He nodded his head down the hall to where Voight and Burgess were standing. So far they had been focused on each other, deep in conversation. Kyle bent down and tugged on Liam's shoelace, untying it. "Follow my lead," he said quietly.

As soon as the two officers disappeared into the room they had been standing near, Kyle tugged Liam forward. The two boys could easily be mistaken for brothers and if Kyle could ever use that to their advantage then he certainly would. As they neared the room, he peeked inside and could just hear the words being exchanged. The officer outside the door was more interested in what was happening in the room than the boys so they scooted a little closer to the open door. "Tie your shoe dude, and take your time to do it right this time so it doesn't untie again," Kyle ordered just as an older brother would. He hoped Liam would just go with it. He wasn't sure how well the kid did on the fly but was relieved when he fell right into his role and went to the floor in a heap, untying the laces even further to start over and take more time as the angry words floated their way.

Liam had mixed emotions about overhearing the conversation. He knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping again. After he had been caught in Sergeant Voight's office Jay had given him a pretty stern lecture, one that promised pretty dire consequences if it were to happen again. Now that he had already broken that rule once again, he could only hope that his father would be alive to carry those consequences out.

Liam heard the words attempted murder and shuddered, but continued on with his slow shoe tying. When she threw out the accusation that Jay got what he deserved he nearly tied his finger inside the knot. A moment later he felt Kyle's hands on his shoulders and pulled him back and inside the neighboring room, whose occupant was gratefully asleep.

"What did any of that mean?" Kyle asked quietly.

"I have no idea. But Hank said attempted murder, that means my dad is still alive," Liam said as his phone chirped as did Kyle's. "We need to get back," Adam said my uncle is there and has some news, Liam said as he read his text message.

The boys briskly walked past the officer who was standing guard outside the room where they had been spying. Each boy took a sideways glance through the open door seeing a black woman handcuffed to the railing. Liam just couldn't put it together that she was apparently the one that had shot his father, he hadn't even realized he had slowed down until Kyle pulled him forward.

"Later," he whispered.

Liam wasn't sure what that meant, but it would have to do for now, he needed to know how his dad was and he prayed for positive news.

"Uncle Will," Liam said as he saw his uncle in the waiting room. Adam and Matt were hovering and the boys weren't sure how to take their close proximity as a good or bad thing. "Is he okay?"

"Hey buddy," Will said squatting down. "He's in surgery right now."

"How come you're not doing it?" Liam wanted to know.

"The surgeon that is working on your dad, is really good at what he does and is the best person for the job."

"What is he good at? What happened?"

"The bullet grazed an artery. Do you know what that is?"

"Something about blood?" Liam guessed.

"Yes. It is like a big vein and blood travels through it."

"So it has a hole in it and he's bleeding everywhere?"

"Something like that."

"Can he be fixed?"

"They are working really hard on fixing him right now," Will said pulling his nephew closer.

"I can give him some blood. Maybe we're the same kind." Liam suggested.

"That's a great offer kiddo, but we have enough to give him."

"Did he lose all of his?"

"No, but he did lose a lot."

Liam just stood quietly and Kyle knew what was going to happen next. Because he had done the same thing years ago when he feared the words he was hearing over the radio were going to be his father's last. Liam didn't even have the benefit of hearing his father, but he could feel the loss hovering all the same. He could feel the younger boy reaching for something he didn't even know he wanted or needed and then he pushed away from his uncle and took off towards the door.

Adam gave chase as Matt held Kyle back. "Give them a minute."

"He's going to need more than that," Kyle said as tears blurred his vision.

"I know." Matt said, and he did. Memories still too fresh of when Kyle had been shot and his fate was unknown for hour after hour. Each Casey knew what it was like to wait while destiny of the other was held in the balance.

"Don't you dare step any closer to the street," Adam ordered as Liam came close the curb.

"If my dad dies, it won't matter. Does anything ever matter?" Liam asked, tears streaking his face.

"A hell of a lot matters. You matter," Adam said stepping next to the boy. "Jay is fighting for his life, fighting for you. He would be really pissed—upset, if he knew you were about to leap into traffic."

"I'm not. I just wasn't paying attention to where I was. Is that the same thing?"

"Sometimes."

"Adam? What do I do if he dies?"

"You live each day to make him proud. But he won't die."

"You don't know that."

"You're right. I don't. But I know how strong he is and how much he loves you and those are two very important things."

Liam sat down on the curb and put his head in his hands. "The difference between life and death is so thin, one heartbeat away. My mom is gone, if my dad dies, what do I have left?"

"Your uncle Will, me, the rest of the team, Kyle. So many people love you."

"Sure, at first, but then they have to get back to their lives."

"You would always be a part of their lives, my life." Adam said as he sat down on the curb next to Liam. The curb was in a tow away zone, but it still made him nervous, only he was afraid if he grabbed Liam it would set the kid off like a tightly wound rubber band that would fly across the room if touched.

"I just want my dad."

"I know you do. I want him too." He said as he gently reached over and pulled Liam closer, putting his arm around him.

"I can't handle waiting."

"I know. I'm struggling too."

"Who did it? Who shot him?" Liam asked, testing Adam's knowledge.

"I don't know. I really don't."

"What happened?"

"We went looking for him after he didn't answer his phone. We found him in the basement of a warehouse, he had just been shot. Beyond that, I don't have any details."

"No vest on. What was he doing?"

"I don't know."

"Did it have to do with a case he was working on?"

"I don't know that either."

"And if you did, you wouldn't tell me would you?"

"I know you want answers. But I really don't have any for you. But we will find them."

Liam stood up and looked across the street. Adam stood up behind him and put his arms over Liam's shoulders onto his chest and pulled him close. "It's cold out here. Let's go inside."

"In a minute," Liam said.

"Okay, in a minute," Adam agreed as he hugged the boy closely.

Liam took several deep breaths and tried to remain strong, but in the end he turned around and buried his face in Adam's chest and began to cry. Adam adjusted his arms and held the boy as he sobbed, one hand on his back, the other on his head. He closed his eyes and prayed as he never had before.

Will was talking to Voight, Hailey, Kevin and Matt Casey when they went back in. "You okay buddy?" Will asked.

Liam just shrugged. Kevin went over and scooped him up, a move that always brought laughter from the now silent boy. He slid him over to his back and held him piggy back style. "I need a drink, help me find the cafeteria."

"Okay. Guess I don't have a choice anyway," Liam admitted holding tightly onto Kevin.

"So what do we do with him tonight?" Will asked after they had departed. "I'm staying but can't keep an eye on him. There really isn't anywhere for him to sleep here."

"I can take him," Matt offered. "I offered earlier. He knows Kyle and can sleep in his room. I'm on shift tomorrow but either Kelly or I can get him where he needs to be. Or he can just hang out with us at 51. I'll even call Kyle in sick at school so they can hang out together."

"Thank you," Will said. "I think that will work out for the best. Maybe tomorrow somebody can run him to his apartment to get a change of clothes. I doubt it will be worth sending him to school. Normalcy might be a good idea, but I think it will overwhelm him and I really don't want him to be without one of us."

"I agree," Hailey said. "He won't be interested in anything the school has to offer. "Can't his babysitter, Ellie, come get him and stay at the apartment with him?"

"She's in Seattle with her sister. I have no idea how Jay was going to juggle the child care issues." Voight chimed in.

"Great." Adam said, running his hand through his hair. "Well between us, we can keep him close. Right boss?"

"Sure, we have to work to do, but of course we are going to support him. Jay is one of ours and so is Liam and we're going to do right by both of them. I think Casey's idea is a good one. He needs someone close to his own age right now and the firehouse would be a great place for him."

"Yeah, if anything changes with Jay we can run him right over to the hospital." Matt said.

Kevin came back with a bottle of water and a soda and Liam still clinging to his back. "He's a monkey on a my back," he joked, trying to keep the mood light. "Can't shake him."

"Hey guys," Kelly Severide said as he walked through the door. "Any updates? How's Jay doing?"

"In surgery," Liam said as he slid off of Kevin's back. "The bullet grazed an artery and he's lost a lot of blood."

Everyone stopped and looked at Liam. "That's what you said isn't it?" He asked looking at Will.

"Yes it is. Hopefully we'll know more in a bit. After surgery he'll go to recovery and then ICU." Will continued.

"If he makes it through surgery," Liam said.

"He will," Will encouraged.

"You don't know that. Your words say one thing, but your face says something else. One is telling the truth, I just don't know which one it is."

"Hey, he's going to be okay," Kevin said. "Do you want the water or soda?"

"My dad won't let me have soda. But does that even matter anymore?" Liam asked, feeling as if he had just had this conversation.

"Of course it matters," Kevin said. "Look, he's going to need you to stay strong right now, just like he is."

But Liam wasn't up to platitudes and encouragements. He just wanted what he couldn't have; his father. He took the bottle of water and went and sat down. Will looked up at the clock and saw it was getting late. "Hey buddy, tonight you're going to go home with Kyle, his dad and Kelly. Then one of them will take you to your apartment where you can get a change of clothes. I'll call your school and tell them you won't be in and then you can spend the day at the firehouse." He said squatting down in front of his nephew.

"What?" Liam asked standing up. "I'm not leaving here. I'm not leaving the hospital. Why would you think I would leave?"

Kelly came over to Liam and got down on his level. "The hospital is no place to hang out. You've already been here for hours. Where would you sleep?"

"I don't care where I'd sleep. I probably won't sleep anyway." Liam said, his voice getting louder.

"With your dad not in the picture right now, we're your family and we think it's in your best interest to go with Kyle tonight and they will take care of you tomorrow. You can hang out at the firehouse and Kyle is even going to stay with you. If your dad wakes up they will get you here with lights and sirens." Hank said as he walked over to Liam.

"And what if he dies?" Liam yelled. "What if he dies tonight and I'm not here? What if he dies alone," Liam screamed getting ready to run. But Kelly grabbed him and held the writhing ten year old as if his life depended on it.

He made his way into a hallway just off the waiting room for a bit more privacy as Liam continued to fight. "I'm not leaving," he said through clenched teeth trying to pry Kelly's hands open. He looked down and saw he still was holding the bottle of water in one hand. "I don't want to leave and I don't want this fucking water," he yelled throwing the plastic bottle across the hall.

"Liam, you need to calm down," Adam said trying to reason with the boy.

But Liam was beyond being reasoned with. This morning his life had been somewhat normal but tonight the sky held no stars and was darker than he could have ever imagined. He had mourned the loss of his mother, he simply wasn't capable of grieving for his father. He thrashed and jerked in his agony, giving Kelly a run for his money, but the man hung on, even when Liam threw his arm backward and put his hand through the glass on the fire hose case that was hung on the wall. Nobody knew whether it was on purpose or an accident. Except for Kyle, Kyle knew. He knew because he had been in the same fit of rage in his life and the only coping mechanism was physical pain to help with the emotional turmoil. Sometimes one had to bleed to move forward, to realize they were still alive, that they could still feel.

"Shit," Adam said, moving in to help Kelly.

"Let me see," Will said coming over. But Liam was still struggling. "Let. Me. See." He said his words bathed in sternness.

"I'm not leaving," Liam said again, in case anybody had forgotten what his tantrum was about.

"This is going to need stitches." Will said after his quick examination.

"I don't care," Liam said.

"Listen to me. I'll stitch you up. I will find a spot for you to sleep here tonight, but there will be rules and demands that must be met. Are you going to listen?"

"Yes," Liam said as he calmed down and Kelly let him slide down to his feet.

"You will stay where I put you. You will be quiet. You will do as I tell you. Tomorrow morning you will go with an adult to your apartment and get some clothes and then you will go to the firehouse and you will listen to Captain Casey and any other adult that is there. You will be respectful at all times. Am I clear so far?" Will asked.

Liam swallowed. "Yes sir."

"If there are any hints of any changes with your father, then I will let them know and they will get you here as soon as possible. If you aren't already here, then tomorrow evening someone will drop you off and we will have dinner and you will come home with me. Do you understand?"

"I understand," Liam said.

"Then I think you ought to apologize for your behavior. I know that you're upset and you have every right to be, but that doesn't mean you can act like a total brat, especially towards people that are trying to help you."

"Sorry," Liam mumbled. "I just, I just—"

"It's okay," Kelly said. "We understand."

"But you can't hurt yourself," Adam added.

Liam nodded as Will steered him to a room to get his hand stitched up.

Two hours later~

"Okay, you have to sleep in here," Will said. "Quit messing with your bandage." He instructed as Liam had been pulling at the wrapping.

"Is it going to leave a cool scar?" Liam asked.

"Most definitely." Will said. "Five stitches will do that."

"What is this place?" Liam asked of the smaller room off the ICU waiting room.

"It's a room we use when we need more privacy."

"Like when you give people bad news."

"Or good news. Now help me put this sheet down," Will instructed. Housekeeping had brought up some clean sheets and blankets along with a pillow and set them on the couch that took up much of one wall. "Now you are to stay in here all night. There is a bathroom across the hall, you can go there and back. I will be in the hospital all night and will come get you early tomorrow morning."

"But if anything changes with my dad you'll get me right?"

"I will do that. I promise you. Now, I want you to take this," Will said giving Liam a small pill.

"What is it?"

"It's to help you sleep. You've had a long day, your emotions are in warp speed and your hand is going to start hurting once the Lidocaine wears off. This will help you relax." Liam took the pill and popped it in his mouth as Will uncapped his water and handed it to him. "I'm glad you didn't pick the soda and fling that across the hall."

"Sorry about that. I just didn't want to leave and nobody was listening to me."

"We were listening, it's just that this isn't the best option. But for tonight you win and can stay."

"Thank you Uncle Will."

"You're welcome. Hop in there." Will said trying to make a cocoon out of the sheets and blankets. He wasn't sure if Jay still tucked Liam in or what the right protocol was for sleeping in a waiting room while you father is busy trying to stay alive. "You're a brave kid and your dad is a brave man. You'll both make it through this."

Liam watched as his uncle turned the light off and left. He knew Will wasn't sure what to do. He had ruffled his hair and tugged the blankets up and tried so hard to be brave himself. Liam pulled at the scrub top that Will that scrounged up for pajamas. Liam felt like a tiny doctor in his blue set. But they were clean and smelled fresh and that beat his jeans and sweatshirt that felt like he had lived a lifetime in.

He kept his eyes open and stared into the darkness. The day had finally ended, but he felt so disjointed. He often went to bed with his father still working, but tonight was different. The day hadn't really ended, it just sort of melted away, like a candle, burning itself out, leaving drips and pillars of residue behind—sticky and messy, never to be forgotten.

As he laid there staring into the darkness in this strange room, Liam couldn't help but to think why. Why did this happen? Why were the forces of a distant family so strong that they took his mother from him? Why was he faced with the very real possibility of losing his father to the trauma and violence that he had tried so hard to battle on a daily basis? Why did the darkness of the world consume so much of the light and leave nothing but shadows behind? And his final question, what would he do on if his dad never woke up?

_**Soundtrack:**_

_**Warrior by Mono inc**_

_**Severed by the Decemberist**_

_**This is war Matthew Raetzel**_

_**Kellermensch -Lost at sea**_

_**I'm on Fire by Bruce Springsteen**_

_**Ray LaMontagne~ Empty**_

_**First Aid Kit - Wolf**_

_**Can't go on without you by Kaleo**_

_**Willow Tree March by Paper Kites**_

_**Daniel Spaleniak ~Why**_

_**Jose Gonzales~Stay Alive**_


	20. Children of the Dark

Children of the Dark

Liam had just finished getting dressed and lumped his bedding in a pile and sat down on top of the mound. He was looking down at the tiny pill that Will had given to him the night before. He had pretended to take it, but in the end had never even put it in his mouth. He didn't care if his hand hurt, it didn't matter, what mattered was that his dad would live, he would do anything if his dad would just survive.

"Good, you're up." Kyle said as he stepped into Liam's makeshift bedroom as the boy sat there in a pile of sheets and blankets holding something in his hand. "What's that?"

"A pill that my uncle wanted me to take last night."

"What kind of pill?"

"I don't know. Some kind of pain or sleeping pill."

"So he thought you took it, but you didn't?"

"Yep."

"Rebel."

"Yep."

"How's the hand?"

"Throbbing." He said as Kyle sat down next to him. "Angela Nelson."

"What?"

"Her name is Angela Nelson. The woman who shot my father."

"You got into her room last night?"

"Yes. But her file wasn't in there. I found it at the nurses station."

"Wow, you tiny ninja. How'd you manage all that without getting caught? You didn't get caught did you?"

"No I didn't get caught. The cop outside Angela's room was talking to his girlfriend on the phone and wasn't paying attention. I had to wait down the hall forever until he got distracted. I'm glad she doesn't like to go to sleep alone or I might have been there all night. But I got in there and the file wasn't anywhere. But I did stand there and get a good look at her. It was dark, but I just wanted my energy, my presence to be there in that room with her. I wanted her to know that I knew who she was and what she did."

"I get it. Did she wake up? Did she see you?"

"I don't think so and if she did she would have thought she was dreaming. Thankfully, chatterbox was still on the phone so I snuck back out and had to loop all the way around, and push a patients call button to get the nurse away from the desk. Hospitals are spread pretty thin in the middle of the night, so I had the desk to myself. Her chart was right on top. She's expected to make a full recovery." Liam said dryly.

"Damn. I had no idea of your skill level. Is that why you wanted to stay here last night?"

"One of them." Liam said tucking the pill into his jeans pocket.

"They probably have cameras," Kyle said.

"Probably. But then they'd have to explain why I was able to wander all over the hospital in the middle of the night unaccompanied; getting past a CPD officer, hospital security and medical staff. I could always claim I was sleep walking." Liam said. He did feel bad about disobeying Will's explicit instructions to stay in the room; he hadn't wanted to betray the trust his uncle had placed in him, but right now, it was more important to him to find out who had hurt his father.

"Yeah, I'm sure that will work." Kyle said sarcastically concerning the sleep walking excuse. "Hey, I reached out to someone who has some connections that has connections etc." Liam looked at his friend expectantly. "A few months back there was a case where two boys were shot and killed at a house where they were playing video games. No evidence that these kids were doing anything else other than just being kids. There was one boy who survived and was carried out by your father. He was the first one in and caught the case."

"Okay," Liam said licking his lips. "There was an old buddy of my dad's that stopped by one night and when they thought I was asleep they talked about some stuff and my dad said something about this case. He just said two boys were shot in the head and he didn't know how many more times he could deal with kids—that kids were the worst. And then something about intel that was supposed to be really accurate but then they got quiet and I couldn't hear anymore."

"Yeah, they got this intel, whatever it was and Jay followed it to a guy named Marcus West. He was a drug user, maybe a low level dealer, I'm not sure. Apparently he claimed he was innocent, but then don't they all? Anyway, Marcus ended up in county lockup and was killed while he was in there. Even hardened criminals have a soft spot for kids. The media said the case was closed. That's the only recent case where your dad's name has come up."

Liam sat there and thought about his father's name on the tongues of known criminals and it made him shiver. How well was his father known in a world that held nothing but hate and vengeance? How often would it come back to haunt them? Would there even be another chance?

"Look," Kyle said showing Liam the information on his phone. "Marcus West arrested for the murder of two young boys was killed—blah, blah—it says he left behind a wife, Angela Nelson and son Bobby."

"If they were married how come her last name is different?" Liam asked.

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know. But we know that she was married to a man your dad arrested and ended up dead."

"But he didn't kill him."

"No, not directly. But he was somewhat responsible."

"Because he did his job! He followed the clues and arrested the man that was accountable." Liam stated, anger seeping into his voice.

"Hey, I'm on your side, Jay's side. I'm just saying we found a connection."

"Sorry," Liam said quietly.

"It's okay. Oh, and there was something about ten thousand dollars of drug money missing. That just happened like a day or so ago. Coincidence? Maybe. But somehow I think not. But how is Jay tangled up in that? He's a good cop."

"Maybe he was investigating that and got pulled in somehow. Remember that he didn't come home last night, well the night before," Liam amended.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. I mean, like I said, that happens, especially when he goes undercover, but he always tells Ellie, my sitter. Or if he can't somebody from the team does. But in the morning when I asked about him, she just said she was sure he was fine, that he must have gotten called in on something big. Her face was different, like she was trying to hide her concern. And she said she was sure and must have, not that he did."

"Call her," Kyle suggested. "See what she can tell you."

"She's in Seattle with her sister. I don't want to freak her out. If she finds out what happened, she might come back and that might make things more complicated."

"So where was he all night? With this Angela woman? If so why? Did they know each other?"

Liam stared at the floor as his mind tried to put pieces of a puzzle together that made no sense. "What if this Marcus West wasn't guilty. What if my dad felt he killed an innocent man?"

"But the media said he was guilty."

"Of course they did. Talk about a PR nightmare. I'm sure the CPD said what it needed to. What if the blame went much higher up the chain if they got the wrong guy? Who or what was the initial intel? What if my dad tried to go to Angela and help her?"

"How would she know who he was—unless he told her? But why would he do that? And we don't know that Marcus West wasn't the guy. I think Jay was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe she was stealing the money and he caught her and she shot him?"

"That's a huge coincidence." Liam said.

"Agreed. Do you know what they say about coincidences?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah. They take a lot of planning."

"Fuck," Kyle said knowing the trail that they had just tiptoed down had merit, but chances of them confirming any of it were pretty slim. "Any update on your dad?"

"Uncle Will said he made it through surgery. They'll be moving him from recovery to ICU soon. But I can't see him in either place. We'll see how he does today. He'll either stabilize or—not.

"Last night as I lay here waiting for my opportunity to find her file, I remembered a story my mom used to tell me before I went to bed. I don't remember all of it, but it was the basic medieval story. There was a fair maiden who fell in love with a brave knight and together they had a little prince."

"And they lived happily ever after?" Kyle guessed.

"No. The fair maiden abandoned them, the brave knight is fighting for his life and the little prince is mourning for them both."

"Not much of a fairy tale."

"It's exactly as they were meant to be. Real. Like Grimm wrote them. It was Disney that made them all pretty and unrealistic. Not like life at all. Real life is darkness and shadows, not full of colorful rainbows and talking animals. It's not made of forests that never get dark, of people that only want the best for you and where everything works out in the end. It's empty, and painful, and full of loss.".

"I feel like you're a different kid." Kyle said slightly taken aback by what his young friend had just said.

"That's because I am. People can only go through so much before the broken parts can't be repaired. How my dad gets up every day and pretends that he hasn't been smashed into a million pieces is beyond me. Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"This," Liam said holding up his bandaged hand, "was on purpose. I knew the glass was there, I wasn't sure if it would break or not, but was actually happy when it did."

"You see this?" Kyle asked showing Liam a scar on his own hand. "This was on purpose too. Different delivery system but intentional all the same." Liam looked at him, at first with surprise but then with understanding. "When there's so much agony here and here," Kyle said pointing to his head and heart, "the pain has to go somewhere. Bad things happen to good people."

"Bad things happen to all people—we just don't know or care about them as much." Liam said as Will and Kelly walked into the room.

"Hey guys," Will said, exhaustion etched in his face. "You're dressed and ready to go. Good. Kelly is going to take the two of you to your apartment Liam so you can get cleaned up and some fresh clothes. Pack an extra set in your backpack too. Then he'll take you to breakfast and then Firehouse 51where you and Kyle will spend the day. While you are a guest there I expect you to follow all the rules and listen to the adults. Tonight someone will either bring you to the hospital or I will pick you up. We'll have dinner and then go to my apartment for the night. If there are any changes in your dad's condition or he wakes up, then we will get you to the hospital ASAP. Sound good?"

"Sure," Liam agreed. "I think my backpack is in Adam's car though."

"He brought it to me last night before he left." Will said swinging it around and setting it on the floor. "I hope you have your keys otherwise I have to go home and get mine."

"They're inside my bag."

"Good. Leave the sheets and stuff and let's go. You can call me or text me at any time. I may not be able to answer immediately but I will respond. I promise. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Listen to Kelly." Will instructed.

"I will."

"I'll see you later."

"Okay," Liam replied as they began to walk away.

"Liam. I love you," Will called out.

"Love you too." Liam replied, but he didn't look back when he replied.

Liam gave Kelly his address and directed him to his apartment as best as he could. He unlocked the outer door but once he stood at their front door he hesitated. He didn't want to go in. His father wasn't there and he had no idea if Jay would ever step foot in the apartment again. It was full of his things, it was full of their memories. It was them, and the possibility of there no longer being a "them" was too much to bear. He raised his hand, but it was shaking too much to fit the key into the lock so Kelly took it and gave it to Kyle as he pulled Liam off to the side.

"I just want my dad," Liam whispered as tears formed in his eyes.

"I know you do bud. I hate that you are going through this. And I am so sorry that you are. If you want I can go get some things for you and bring them out here." Kelly suggested.

Liam swallowed and looked over at his door that Kyle had unlocked and opened. "No. I can do it," he said as he wiped his eyes. "I have to be brave."

"You already are, whether or not you go in there," Kelly told him.

Liam nodded but walked towards the door. As he crossed the threshold he felt as if he couldn't breathe. His entire existence had become twisted into something unknown. A thorny ache descended all over his body as words echoed in his head. His uncles words came flying at him about losing blood and surgery, Adam's words about going to the hospital and they didn't know who had shot Jay. What were the last words his father had said to him? When were they even said? Liam fell to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably bringing both Kyle and Kelly over to him. Kelly got down and sat next to Liam and held him while Kyle shut the door and sat down nearby.

"I want my dad, I just want my dad," Liam cried out inconsolably.

"I know you do," Kelly answered holding Liam and rocking him back and forth. "I know you do."

Kyle knew there was nothing he could do or say that would help. He could still hear the empty words that were said to him from years ago. He didn't hold it against those that spoke them, they were trying to help him, give him encouragement. But sometimes silence is the gift that is needed. Kelly had it under control, as much as it could be, Kyle could add nothing that would give Liam any more solace.

After several minutes Liam quieted. For a moment Kelly thought the boy might have fallen asleep, and Kyle, knowing he hadn't had much sleep was certain that he had. But Liam stirred and wiped his face with his sleeve. "Is it okay if I take a shower—I just need to." He needed to wash everything away, hoping that perhaps all the events of the past days would just swirl away like the soap and water down the drain.

"Of course," Kelly said. "Take your time."

Liam nodded and trudged off towards the bathroom. While he was in the shower, Kelly and Kyle cleaned up the apartment a bit, though it had been pretty tidy when they got there. Liam didn't take long and reappeared with damp hair and puffy eyes. He had put on new jeans and a blue and black flannel shirt.

"I like your shirt," Kyle said.

"Thanks," Liam sniffed. "My dad has one like it too. He said they were buy one get one half off and joked that mine was half the size so it should be half off. He said we could both wear them for our Christmas card," Liam chuckled despite himself. "Except we don't do a Christmas card. But he said we should this year because we had the perfect wardrobe now. That we could start a tradition." Liam did his best to choke back another sob, but it had escaped and he broke down again.

"I'm sorry," he said after a minute.

"Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry," Kyle said, "for loving someone, for mourning their pain, for fearing the worst, for caring so much you think you will never be the same again." Liam nodded. "Let's grab another set of clothes."

"Okay," Liam said rummaging through his drawers and grabbing random clothing.

"Hey you have the Lego Hancock building. Cool. I have this fire truck that I still have to put together, but I kinda got grounded from my Lego's for a bit after I left them all over the living room."

"Yeah, and I stepped on them in bare feet." Kelly added.

"Should I bring some clothes for my dad, just in case he wakes up?" Liam asked walking towards Jay's room as Kyle shoved Liam's clothes into the boys backpack.

"Um, he'll probably have to stay in that horrible hospital gown where your butt shows," Kelly said trying to keep it light. "But we can definitely come back and get him some clothes when he needs them.

Liam walked over to Jay's closet and opened it and found Jay's twin shirt hanging there. "I'll bring this,when he's ready."

"Great idea," Kelly said.

Liam left the shirt and headed over to the bed. The sheets had been pulled up hastily the other morning when Jay had left. Ellie never slept in his bed even though he had told her she could when he was late. Liam sat down and then laid down and inhaled his father's scent from the pillow. He looked over and saw the picture of Jay, Will and him from Halloween. The three Halstead's smiling. His entire family in one small rectangle.

"We have a picture of you in your costume with Kelly, my dad and your dad hanging in the firehouse," Kyle said when he saw where Liam was looking. "You made a great fireman."

"Where were you Halloween night?" Liam asked. "You weren't at the firehouse."

"I was at a classmates party. I dressed as a cop," he laughed. "You were a fireman, I was cop. Ironic."

"Yeah." Liam said as he picked up the picture and traced his father's face. "My dad told me a child could be happy even if their parent is miserable but that a parent couldn't be happy if their child was miserable. Right now he's making me miserable. Is that irony?"

Kelly just stood and gave a tight smile as he reached out for Liam. "Let's get some breakfast. Do you think you can eat something?"

"Not really." Liam replied.

"Well, let's go try anyway."

Liam managed two bites of oatmeal and one of a banana. The banana made him think of Mae, the homeless woman who sat in the Loop and Mae made him think of his dad. His heart felt heavy, like it was just sitting there useless. What would he do if his dad died? Sure, he would probably live with Will, but how would that work out? Will was a good guy, but he was a doctor and it seemed like he was always at the hospital and would either of them be able to come back from their devastating loss? Would they grow closer or would they distance themselves, hiding in the midst of their own pain and memories?

Liam looked over at Kelly who was eating some kind of quiche type thing and drinking coffee looking back at Liam with a weird look on his face. Kelly had been thinking back to the time when he had helped Jay go after the arsonist and it nearly got the man killed. Voight had benched the detective because he was simply too close to the case since his father had been one of the victims. He wanted the guy to go down as badly as Jay did, but neither of them was thinking clearly and it almost cost Halstead his life. How would have Kelly ever managed to carry that burden? So now as he looked across the table at the man's son and felt the fear and terror the boy was going through now, and felt he owed him anything and everything he could.

"So what is OFI?" Liam asked.

"Office of Fire Investigations. I look into what caused the fires."

"So you're like a fire detective?"

"Yes I am."

"Do you like it?"

"I do. I like solving issues, helping people if I can."

Liam grew silent. "Like my dad."

"Yeah. Your dad is a great detective and that's because he wants to help people. He's going to be fine." Kelly assured.

"Why does everyone say that? They say it but they don't know. You can't know, not for real."

"You're right we can't. But I guess it's like if we feel positive then maybe good things will happen. Let's head to the firehouse. I think Kyle is picking out some sandwiches for lunch, since the meatless offerings are often slim at 51."

"Okay. Thanks for picking me up and everything."

"No problem. If I get off early enough I'll come by and see you later. I'm trying to think of something fun to do for the weekend."

"It doesn't matter what you think of, it won't be fun for me, it just can't be. Not right now, maybe not ever."

"I know it feels that way right now," Kelly began.

"Because if my dad dies, life will never be the same. Time doesn't heal all wounds. I already know that. I lost my mom when I was five and then she came back and left an even bigger hole the second time. I don't have the strength to try and fill up another empty space left by a parent."

"Let's hope you don't have to. Nobody can replace a parent. But family is more than just blood." Kelly said looking over at Kyle who carefully choosing their lunch.

"Yeah. I know, the team is great, but they have their own lives."

"Sure they do, but I know they would make you a part of them. They have in the past haven't they?"

Liam shrugged. "Sometimes."

"Well Kyle is getting older, and the older he gets, the older he thinks I am. I could use someone for fresh adventures."

"You don't have to promise me anything."

"Your dad is going to need some recuperation time and that means you will have to be kept busy. I, for one, need someone to help keep me busy. Kyle needs someone to keep him busy. I'm picking you. We'll figure it out together; you, me, Kyle, Matt, Voight, the rest of the team and the firehouse."

"Okay, does this look good to you?" Kyle asked walking over as he showed Liam a sandwich and cut up apples. "No meat, to be found, and a really good vegan sauce. I've had it before."

"Sounds good," Liam said as Kyle reached for Kelly's debit card.

"There they are," Matt said as Kelly and the boys walked into the firehouse.

"Hey stranger," Cruz told Kelly. "We miss you around here."

"I miss you guys too."

"I hear you're doing great things," Herrmann said.

"Trying to. Hey call me if you need anything. I'll be around. Liam, call me if you need to or text. I might not be able to answer right away, but I will. Okay?"

"Okay," he nodded.

"I brought your Lego firetruck that still hasn't been put together. I thought you two could work on it this morning," Matt said showing the boys the box on the table.

"Cool," Liam said, though he looked less than enthusiastic.

"My dad and Kelly got this for my last birthday."

"Yeah, we had to go in together on it, it cost more than our rent." Matt said.

"Ha, ha." Kyle faked a laugh.

"You think he's kidding?" Kelly said. "I'll see you guys later," he said as he put his hand on Kyle's head and then stepped over to Liam and squatted down in front of him. "Later buddy, hang in there." He then put his hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye.

The boys worked on the Lego's for a while and then watched TV with Mouch. Then a call came in taking the whole population except for them and the secretary.

Kyle was busy texting a girl from his class while Liam went to the bathroom. Several minutes later Kyle realized that he hadn't noticed Liam come out. He went in and saw the entire bathroom was empty. He then looked all around the house but came up empty. With crews gone the bay doors were down so he opened the man door and saw Liam outside next to the memorial for Otis. He was grateful he hadn't lost the kid, but could see the pain in the kid even from the distance.

"I met him once—I think," Liam said as he stared the memorial. "He seemed really nice."

"He was," Kyle confirmed.

"I'm sorry you lost him."

"Thanks."

"I needed to get out of there. I need to walk or I'm going to lose my mind."

"Okay. How about I get our lunch, we can take a walk and find a spot to eat?"

"Sure."

"Stay right here," Kyle said. "If you disappear, I'll be in huge trouble."

"I will, I swear." Liam promised as he looked back at the memorial. If his father died his name would go on a wall with a lot of others who had been lost in the line of duty. Jay had taken him there a couple of times and he went to a ceremony once when a woman from the unit had her name unveiled. It was a hard day and he couldn't begin to imagine if the name revealed ever read Jay Halstead. Yes, we all still die, but not now and not like this.

"There's nothing over here," Kyle said as they continued their trek, having walked for fifteen minutes.

"The L. I just want to sit under the tracks," Liam said finding a clean spot to sit free of trash and used needles.

Kyle was ready to ask why but decided he would know soon enough. "Let's eat," Kyle said holding out the bag and pulling their food and drinks from it. "Cheers to our fathers and their altruistic jobs." Kyle said clinking his can of sparkling flavored water to Liam's. "We could start a club, you and me. The bastard sons."

Liam laughed. "Small club."

"Bigger than you think, but we'll keep it exclusive."

"I want her dead," Liam said after he swallowed."

"Who?"

"Angela Nelson. I don't know why she shot my dad, but I don't really care. I know he wouldn't have hurt her so she didn't need to try and kill him. Now, all I can think of is that I want her dead. I guess my mother's genes do run through my body."

"What does that mean?"

"Her family is the mafia in Dublin Ireland. They are responsible for a lot of violence and crime and if I could call one of them right now I would."

"But you can't right?" Kyle asked, concern in his voice.

"No. They don't know I exist."

"Oh." Kyle replied, unsure what to say. "I didn't even know my mother was murdered until four years after her death." He volleyed, hoping it would help Liam feel less awkward.

Liam snorted, "I didn't even know my mother's real name. In fact she never even told me, neither did my dad—I had to eavesdrop in order to learn it. Sorry about your mom though."

"Yeah, adults never can seem to tell the truth, not all of it anyway. So her family is like the mob in Dublin? What is the story there?" Kyle asked.

Liam went on to explain everything he knew. "I probably shouldn't have told you." He said when he finished. "My dad said that I should probably keep it to myself. He made it sound like an order."

"I won't tell." Kyle promised.

"We googled the family, because he knew I would so he figured it'd be better if we did it together. We talked about it a lot. He didn't want me to be confused. But how can I not be. Her whole life with us was a lie."

"What's her real name?"

"Emma James. My middle name is James, but she said I was named after my dad."

"My middle name is James too. We really do need to have a club." Kyle exclaimed.

"I have a secret too," Kyle began. "I'll tell you so that you know your secret is safe. But if you tell, I'll deny it." Liam nodded. "You wanted to know who my contact was, who I got the information about Marcus West?" Liam nodded again. "I have a connection—he owes me."

"Who is it?" Liam asked.

"He's a drug kingpin and he's in prison."

"How does he owe you?"

"That, I can't tell you. Maybe one day, but not today."

"Fair enough." Liam said as he chewed his food. "Are you safe?"

"Yes. We have a deal."

Liam looked leaned over as he heard the train coming. "This is why I wanted to come here. I need to do something."

"Not climb up on the tracks right?"

"No. Just wait," Liam said as the train raced their way, several feet over their head. As it got closer Liam threw his head back and screamed. He screamed and screamed again, his cries were completely drown out by the passing train. Kyle looked at this young friend and followed suit, yelling all of his fears and frustrations away.

"Great idea," Kyle said after the train had departed. "I feel better, how about you?"

"A little, I guess."

"I get you wanting revenge. I hated a toddler." Kyle admitted.

"What?"

"My dad suffered a serious head injury in a fire when he went back for a baby. He protected her but some debris fell on him, knocked his helmet off. It was bad. Surgery, recovery, then his personality was weird for a while. He would get angry so fast. I was afraid of him. Nothing ever happened, but it was kind of scary. So I was mad at the baby that made him go back. If he hadn't saved her, he would have never been able to live with himself, but going back nearly killed him. They make these choices and we have to suffer their consequences."

"Yes we do. I can tell when my dad has a bad case or has to deal with one where a kid is involved. He either gets angry, despondent or clingy."

"Despondent huh?"

"Spelling word last week," Liam admitted.

"When I was your age, I texted my dad I was going to be fine, then turned my phone off and spent the night wandering around the city." Kyle said.

"What? No way," Liam gasped.

"Yep. In the morning I texted a picture from the DuSable bridge and he found me. I was in a lot of trouble but it was worth it. He and nearly everyone from 51 had been in a factory fire, they almost died.

"The picture," Liam said.

"Yeah, that stupid picture," Kyle said speaking of the photo taken by a photo journalist as Chief Boden had held him back as he tried to rush into the burning building that held his father and so many others, including Kelly, captive. "I just wanted him to know what it was like to not know an outcome, to worry, to freak out."

"I bet he did."

"Yeah. He had the whole firehouse out looking for me plus Voight and Antonio, maybe even your dad, I don't know."

"I went down to the Loop by myself. I was mad at my dad. I thought he wanted to get rid of me, let my uncle raise me. I had overheard some things that I didn't understand. So I wanted him to worry, to come find me, to show me that he still wanted me."

"And he found you."

"Yeah, he did. Then I told him I didn't think he was my real father. He showed me the DNA papers that said I was."

"You never doubted that he was your father did you?"

"No. I just wanted to hear him say it. Same as finding me. I needed him to do it."

"Reassurance."

"Yeah. When my mom left again, I needed to know that I was his and he was mine. But now, now—"

"Now he has a vengeance seeking son."

"Am I wrong to feel that way?"

"No, not really. I would. We don't know what happened, but if your dad pursued the wrong man it was a mistake, but her shooting him when she wasn't in danger, was vindictive, and wrong."

"It was revenge, the very same thing I want."

"Maybe. But she'll pay for it. It's attempted murder of a police officer. No matter what she tries to say or do, the bottom line is she shot a cop, a cop who is a single father and was only doing his job. If he got the wrong guy, that's bad, but it wasn't international and he didn't kill Marcus West."

"No, but the system did. The system he is a part of. But she had no right—no right to do it. To take him away from me."

"She'll pay for it. I promise you that she will."

"How? How is that going to happen Kyle?"

"She's Voight's number one enemy. Hell, she's the enemy of the Intelligence Unit and the entire CPD. But most of all she's your enemy and that makes her my enemy."

"Your drug kingpin, prison friend."

"Whatever we need to do." Kyle said, unsure what he exactly meant by it. But he knew that he needed to say something, allow Liam the feeling that some kind of reparation would take place.

"But she's a mother. The article said she had a son. We'd be no better than her if we did anything permanent."

"She'll go to jail for a long time. Either way she'll be dead to him."

"I thought you were a pacifist?" Liam asked.

"Another spelling word?" Liam just shrugged. "I am to those I believe deserve it. We'll see how the wheels of justice turn and go from there."

Liam sighed and looked into the distance. "I called him a fucking hypocrite a couple of months ago."

"Damn." Kyle replied. "I called my dad an asshole once. Who knew a TV remote could cause so much sting."

Liam laughed. "I think I was just trying out some new words, trying to be older, plus I think I just wanted to make him mad. But, I just had to go to my room. Plus some other stuff the next day."

"Lucky. My dad is pretty much a pacifist too, but certain things wind him up. When I was six my mom had just died, so my dad was pretty stressed and he caught me playing with matches."

"In the house?"

"No, outside. I knew it was wrong and I have no idea why I did it. But he beat the holy hell out of me for it."

"Yikes," Liam said.

"That makes it sound worse than it was. But I remember not understanding what the big deal was. I mean I knew I wasn't supposed to do it, but didn't get the ramifications of the act. For him to fly off the handle like that, it has to be pretty big. That and my name calling are the only times he's lost it. You were lucky."

"I think its because he's afraid if he starts that he won't be able to stop."

"Really? I mean I get why my dad lost it with the matches, he saw what fire can do, what fire does."

"And my dad knows what society can do, what society does. One night I was setting off firecrackers with a friend and he heard them and came running out with his gun. Once he saw it wasn't anything terrible he put it away, but the look in his eyes, the tremor in his voice. When he got me home he grabbed me. I was kinda being a jerk but he grabbed me and his eyes were wild, like he wasn't in there anymore. I never did find out why it pushed his buttons so much."

"It could have been PTSD. He was in the war right?"

"Yeah, but he's around guns and gunfire all the time. He's a sniper. He's been shot—even before this. But this was different."

"Because it was you. Because you were involved. Just think if he lost you. Which I think you have an idea of because you took off and went to the Loop by yourself. You wanted to strengthen the bond or remind him of it. But I doubt he needed it. My dad sees a lot of bad stuff, and kids as victims, but your dad—damn your dad has seen even more."

"I wonder how many people has he killed and how heavy that is." Liam pondered.

"Something my dad doesn't have to worry about."

"No." Liam said standing up as another train headed their way. He looked over at Kyle who nodded and the two began to scream as the train clattered overhead.

They both sat back down and put the remnants of their lunch back in the bag. Liam's sleeve rode up a bit revealing several numbers hastily written on his forearm. "What's that?" Kyle asked of the faded numbers.

Liam twisted up his face as he tried to remember. It definitely wasn't his hand writing and he didn't recognize the number. Then he recalled Mandy rushing over to him when he was outside the school. He had been so zoned out he had almost forgot the entire interaction. She had come up to him, already crying, she was talking but Liam didn't absorb any of what she had said. He vaguely remembered her saying something about her phone number and to call her when he could with an update. Liam brought Kyle up to speed concerning what he had recollected. "I think she wrote it on my arm when Adam picked me up yesterday. That was just yesterday? It feels like forever."

"Who's Mandy?"

"Mandy Peppercorn. She is a counselor at my after school program and watches me sometimes at my house. She's a senior at Depaul. She also has a huge crush on my dad."

"How do you know?"

"Because she always volunteers to wait with me when he's late. And she gets all red and kinda shaky when he shows up. Plus I heard another counselor ask her if she was going to wait for the hot dad again. Her answer was yes and that she never minded waiting for Jay Halstead."

"Well that does take some of the guess work out of it then."

"Then they went on about how she wasn't that much younger than him and maybe she'd have a chance and I threw-up in my mouth a little."

Kyle laughed. "I bet you did. You should text her."

"And tell her what?"

"That he made it through surgery. That he is still alive."

Liam sighed and pulled his phone out. "I got a message from some number I don't recognize."

"What's it say?"

"Where are you?" Liam said holding the phone up.

"Shit. That's my dad's number," Kyle said pulling his own phone out. "We've been gone for two hours. I got the same message. He must have gotten your number from Voight last night. Text Mandy while I tell my dad we're on our way back."

Both boy's typed their messages and began to walk back to the firehouse. "We shared a lot of secrets with each other," Kyle said.

"Don't worry. I know the value of a secret as well as I know the value of a lie. I will lie in order to keep a secret."

"I know you will. Me too." Kyle said.

"I was raised by two champions, who seem to thrive on them." Liam said. His parents kept secrets and entrusted them with lies. Lies and secrets, secrets and lies, born of necessity or of desire or both.

"We're children of the dark," Kyle said.

"Children of the dark?" Liam questioned.

"Yeah, we are kept in the dark by our parents, and we both have a dark side that we shared with each other, where it will stay safe."

_A big thank you for the reviews! Wish I could reply to the guests as well, but know that I appreciate all the kind words. _

_Soundtrack: __Force of Habit by____Charlie Cunningham_

_Pain of Salvation by Kellermench _

_Willow Tree March by Th Paper Kites_

_The Last of of the Mohicans metal version_

_The Children of the Dark by Mono Inc_


	21. Karma

**Karma**

"Where the hell have you two been?" Matt Casey asked as the boys appeared at the end of the driveway.

"It was my fault, Captain Casey," Liam said immediately.

"Call me Matt." He said softening his tone.

"It was my fault Matt. I was going to leave with or without Kyle so he went with me. We just went a few blocks over there," Liam said pointing.

"There's nothing over there," Matt replied.

"I got what I needed. Don't be mad at Kyle, it was my fault."

Matt looked over at his son who shrugged and raised his eyebrows. "I'm not mad that you took a walk, I'm upset that you were gone for so long and didn't check your phones. I couldn't find you on the app tracker," he said turning his gaze to Kyle.

"We were under the L tracks. It must have screwed up the signal." Kyle said.

"The L tracks. Why were you under the L tracks?"

"Turns out, it's a great place to scream," Kyle said.

Matt looked confused. "Kyle, why don't you go do some homework or work on the Lego contraption while I talk to Liam." Kyle nodded and looked over at Liam whose face was uncertain. "Let's go to my quarters," Matt said.

"Okay." Liam said following him into the small officer's quarters. "Am I in trouble?"

"No. But I have to admit I was pretty nervous when I came back from the call and you weren't here."

"Kyle said he told the secretary."

"He did, but he said you guys were going on a short walk."

"It's still my fault. I was out looking at the memorial for Otis and it just hit me hard. I wanted to walk to the District, but Kyle said it wouldn't be a good idea. He said we could take a walk and then stop to eat our lunch. I actually was able to eat. I think he tricked me," Liam said.

"I'm glad you were able to eat something. Why did you want to go to the district?"

"I don't know. I'm sure when I got there I would lose it since my dad isn't there. What do you think the team is doing?"

"Working hard on the case against the person who shot him."

"They have her in custody. I saw her."

"Really?"

"She's in the hospital. Can I go to the hospital?"

"Well, I'd have to talk to your uncle first and make sure it was okay with him. But if your dad is still sleeping then it's probably best if you hang out here a little bit longer. Okay?"

"Not like I have much of choice. Where am I supposed to sleep tonight?"

"I'm not sure. I think Will was planning on going to his apartment tonight so maybe with him. Or you can stay here, we have an extra bed. Or Kelly can pick you up and take you back to our place. You can sleep in my bed."

"Will Kyle have to go to school tomorrow?"

"Probably. He's in honor's classes and it's hard to catch up once you fall behind. But we'll see. Are you okay?" Matt asked as Liam stood up.

"No, I'm not okay. Nothing is okay and everything hurts."

"I'm sorry buddy. I am so sorry." Matt said pulling Liam close, grateful when the boy allowed himself to be held. "How about some ice cream?"

"No thank you," Liam replied stepping back. "I'll go help Kyle with the firetruck."

"Okay," Matt said as he watched him head to the table and join his son snapping together little red and gray pieces. He let his mind imagine if he and Hallie ever had a second child that this would be a common scene, along with arguments, more little boy debris and a massive amounts of attitude. The two light colored heads bent over, talking quietly, sharing their pain and support. Sometimes it is a child that must lead them.

Will stood at the door and looked at the steady rise and fall of his brother's chest. He had no idea how this whole situation had come to be, but he did know that the woman named Angela Nelson was responsible for this and he also knew his nephew had spent half the night sneaking around the hospital including a visit to her room. He also seemed very interested in something at the vacated nurses station. He had no idea what was going on in Liam's head or what he was up to. And he didn't think he could handle it if had to find out. He had watched the boy go from a typical ten year old to someone who would no longer be defined by a chronological number. He had passed go, collected hatred and fear and was on some type of mission that wouldn't be deterred from. And it had all happened in less than twenty-four hours.

He wasn't ready for whatever might be next if Jay didn't make it. Jay questioned his own skills as a father but Will would be completely lost. He would immediately have to give up his apartment and find one with two bedrooms. He would have to make sure it was in a good school district or put the kid in private school. And he saw so much of Jay in Liam that it scared him. Jay was a good man, but always seemed to simmer on a slow burn of emotion and he could already see that, and much more in Liam. They would grieve together, but where would Liam end up emotionally as the steps of grief were taken? He put his hand through a glass door to get what he wanted, there was no doubt in his mind that Liam had done that purposely which is exactly why he had allowed him to stay at the hospital for fear what the kid might do if he had forced him elsewhere.

Why the hell had that woman done this to them? What had they done to deserve any of it? And if Jay didn't survive how would he? How would Liam?

Jay felt as if he was floating. He also felt lost. It was like he was in a funhouse. There were mirrors that reflected only confusion. He thought he had seen Liam, but when he went to grab him he was gone. Will was in the distance as was Adam and Hailey, among others, but they too, vanished. Every step he took pulled him deeper into distraction and disorientation. There was a light behind him but nobody was back there, they were all in front of him. Turning back would be easier, the way was clear. But he had to go forward, if only he could figure out a way in which to do it.

The afternoon was stretching out and Kelly found he couldn't concentrate, thinking of the Halstead's. He knew Jay's condition was serious and all he could focus on was young Liam. He was only ten years old and was trying to deal with an impossible situation. When he was called into the bosses office he figured it was because he had been adrift for much of the day, but in the end he was being fired for doing a great job. He was thrilled he would get back to 51, but had for all intents and purposes succeeded in his assignment. He went home, changed his clothes and decided he would go to the firehouse and pick up the boys. Maybe a trip to Grant Park or walk through the Lincoln Park Zoo might let them burn off some steam.

"What did your dad tell the school," Liam asked as Kyle came up behind him. "You know, to get you out of going today?"

"He told them we had a family emergency." Causing Liam looked over at him questioningly. "Well, it's true, we did."

Liam gave a slight, but forced smile. He was standing by the wall that held all kinds of pictures, some were photographs while others were drawn. He focused on the Halloween shot that was front and center with himself and his dad along with Matt and Kelly.

"You know that family is more than just blood right?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah. It's like we have a bunch of aunts and uncles."

"And brothers," Kyle said.

"Thanks," Liam said as his phone buzzed and chirped in his pocket. He pulled it out and his eyes grew wide and went from flat and dead to bright and alive. "My dad woke up! He woke up!" He yelled just as Kelly came around the corner.

"Well then we better get over there." He said.

"Dad," Kyle screamed, "Jay woke up, we're going to go over and see him."

"How? Do you need a ride?" Matt asked as he ran into the room. "Hey Kelly, what are doing here?"

"I got fired. I'll be back next shift. But right now, I'm taking these two to Chicago Med. I'll touch base with you later," he said turning to catch up with the boys who were already in motion.

The trio raced to Kelly's car and piled in. Kelly could feel Liam's urgency coming through from the backseat. He didn't drive recklessly, but he he set the pace for the traffic around him. Urging the car in front of him to go a bit faster and getting frustrated when it didn't respond. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel at each light they had to endure and found his efforts seemed to enough to satisfy Liam whose face wasn't as tight as it had been, but his eyes still remained uncertain in his attempt to be patient.

"I'm trying kiddo." Kelly said as they waited for pedestrians as he tried to make a right turn.

"I know." Liam said as he tightened his hands into fists only to release them and do it all over again.

"You can just drop us off at the door," Kyle said as they approached the hospital.

"I don't think so. I'll park and we'll all go in. You two don't need to be roaming the halls on your own," Kelly replied as he waited to get into the nearby parking garage.

"My uncle is at the door, waiting for us," Liam said showing Kelly the text that said as much.

"Okay, then. But stay with him and text me Jay's room number so I know where I'm going."

"Deal," the boys both chirped at the same time.

Kelly eased over to the curb as the kids hopped out and ran through the doors and found Will immediately and it was all that they could do to stay still as he explained they needed to walk and stay quiet.

"Is he still awake?" Liam asked.

"He may have fallen back asleep, but the nurse told me he kept saying your name over and over again when he woke up. I spoke to him and he's tired a little confused as to what happened, but he's fine. If he's asleep when we get up there, we can wait a few minutes and see if he wakes up." Will explained as they made their way through the hospital, Liam briefly slowing at one point to glance inside a room. "Kyle, please tell Kelly his room number," he instructed as they walked through Jay's doorway.

"Dad!" Liam yelled charging over to the bed.

"Don't jump on him," Will yelled causing Liam to slow up. He saw the bandages taking up the left side of his father's upper body, but smiled at seeing his eyes opened and focused on his visitor.

"Hey kiddo," he croaked out. "It's great to see you."

"I thought you were going to die," Liam said as the emotion caught up with him as he inhaled and a sob slipped from his mouth.

"Nah, not me. I'm like a superhero. I'm going to be fine, I promise," Jay said trying to calm his son.

"What happened?" Kyle asked.

"Hey Kyle." Jay greeted. My memory is a bit foggy right now. I think it's the stuff they put in my IV bag."

But Kyle didn't believe him. He had a feeling that Jay knew exactly what had happened to him but wasn't ready or willing to share it. Liam had regained control and gone around to the other side of the bed where he reached out for his father's hand.

Will sat with them for a few minutes until Kelly made it up and then said he'd check in later but had to get back to the ER.

"When can you come home?" Liam asked.

"Maybe tomorrow or the next day. It depends on a few things. But I'll have to take it easy for a while."

"I can take care of you." Liam promised.

"Oh you can, can you?"

"Yep."

"Well, that sounds great." Jay said looking at his son who was glowing in his relief and happiness. "I'll count on it. Have you been good for Kelly?"

"Yeah. And Matt too."

"What happened to your hand," Jay asked as he noticed the bandage on Liam's hand.

"It was an accident."

"What kind of accident?" Jay asked.

"I cut it last night, but it will be fine."

Jay looked over at Kelly who seemed uncomfortable with the conversation. "I'm sure that Liam will tell you about it after you get back home. A few stitches, but it should heal up just fine."

"I have to pee," Liam suddenly announced.

"There's a bathroom right there," Jay said nodding his head towards the bathroom in his room.

"That's okay, I saw one down the hall. I'll go use that one."

"Why?" Jay asked.

"I'm shy," Liam said as he walked into the hallway, leaving Jay somewhat confused and concerned.

"I'll go with him," Kyle announced and followed the younger boy. He saw Liam up ahead and jogged to catch up with him. "What are you doing?"

"I saw her."

"Her who?"

"Her who shot my dad. When we were walking to my dad's room, they must have moved her up here to this floor too. There was no guard at the door."

"Maybe there doesn't need to be one anymore. Maybe it wasn't her, are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. And why not? Why wouldn't they have a guard? Have we already forgotten what she did?"

"I don't think anyone forgot." Kyle assured.

"Then what happened? Did they make some kind of deal? Did my dad do something after he woke up?"

"Like what?"

"Like he said something. I don't know. Something isn't right. She tried to kill him. Even if he screwed something up, she shouldn't go free. It was attempted murder Kyle."

Liam stopped in front of the door and they peered inside and saw Angela Nelson in bed, the handcuff that had previously secured her to the bedrail was missing. She was dozing, her eyes closed. The boys crept in and watched her breath weave around her chest and abdomen. The boys just stood, almost mesmerized.

"Her handcuff is gone. What does that mean?" Liam whispered.

"I don't know," Kyle quietly replied.

"Who's there?" She asked opening her eyes and seeing the boys standing there.

"You shot my dad," Liam stated.

"What?" She asked, her voice rough from sleep.

"You. Shot. My. Dad." Liam repeated.

"He said he was single daddy, but I guess I didn't believe him."

"Well he is. And you could have left me an orphan," Liam said. "Why aren't you handcuffed? Where's your guard?"

"I'm going free. Don't need that stuff anymore."

"How can you be going free? You shot a Chicago Police Detective." Kyle asked.

"Cause he got the wrong guy and my husband died because of him. They don't want that getting out."

"Who said you could go free?" Kyle asked.

"I can't remember his name, but he seemed like he was in charge. Made a deal, I stay quiet, I go free. I have a son too and thanks to that cop, I'm a single parent now. Why am I even talking to you kids. Who's watching you?"

"What was the deal?" Kyle said shaking his head, knowing it was Voight.

"Said if I didn't stay quiet, he'd come after me. Make sure I never saw my son as a free woman again. I'm a victim here."

Kyle just grinned, but there was no warmth in the smile. "There's no sympathetic shoulder to cry on here, so you can just stop being the victim. I'm sorry for your loss, but it ends there. I side with the man that promised his wrath earlier and if he doesn't take care of you I will. We will," he said looking back at Liam, who remained rooted to the floor, his blue eyes staring daggers into the woman.

"You two are just kids, little boys that don't know nothing about nothing. You can't do anything." She said.

"Yes, we are just kids, and that is exactly why we can not only do something, but we can get away with it, because people such as yourself believe us to be incapable. Look, you shot a cop, there's no denying that. An officer that was trying to help you. An officer who is a single parent. Not only a single parent, but Liam goes on TV, or to the paper, a blond haired, blue eyed child, crying that his father was shot while assisting the widow of a man who they had believed to be the shooter of two young black kids. And in their rush to find this heinous perpetrator, they got the wrong guy, but he had fit the scenario in nearly every way and they simply wanted justice for those boys. Yes, it was eventually discovered an error had been made, but he had been killed in prison, not by Detective Halstead or any of his fellow officers.

"The city will see this boy and the sympathy will be immediate. You are the villain in this story. Fair? Maybe, maybe not? Biased? Most likely. But what it certainly is—is reality. Scars are simply a reminder of what we've endured, what we've survived. Some can be seen and they often are, but it's the ones that cannot be seen that are often the most powerful. His tears will bring his internal scars to the surface. You thought your anger and need for vengeance allowed you to throw away your moral compass, but society won't allow it and I won't allow it." Kyle continued.

"Time will not erase what you did. Truth is karma and it will come back to haunt you at some point, it always does. Your actions all add up and we already know the sum. You now live in a darkness all your own and have no control over who turns on the light."

"Karma will catch up to him too," Angela stated, her head spinning from what this young boy had just spouted. He looked so young, but so many words with so much impact had just landed at her feet. Were both these boys the cops sons or just the smaller one, she wondered.

"Karma for what? Doing his job?" Liam said finally joining the conversation. He had appeared to zone out, but he had taken in every word that Kyle had said.

"Take care of your son. Put him first. And hope the people that you ripped off don't have too many friends far and wide, because who you had come to know as a friend, the man that you called for help, no longer exists and that puts it all on you," Kyle said grabbing Liam and headed towards the door.

Angela laid there dumbfounded. She didn't know the intricacies of police work but she was pretty sure they didn't tell these boys anything about the case so how did they know and who did they know? Her previous relaxed slumber was long gone as she stared at the empty spot where the kids had just been.

Once the boys were back out in the hallway they moved away from Angela's room and stopped by the bathroom door. "What the heck was that?" Liam asked. "You should be a lawyer."

"Sometimes it just pours out on its own."

"Well, it made a splash. But what did my dad do? What could it have been to make Voight hand out a deal like that?"

"A mistake. A big one. Or one that might touch someone really high up. The media reported that Marcus West was guilty, but what if he wasn't? What if your dad arrested the wrong guy?"

"That's what you just said in her room—that they got the wrong guy." Liam pointed out.

"And she didn't correct me. In fact she seemed to already know that. So, they did get the wrong guy. But, he was killed and CPD let the blame stay with him. They did that to protect themselves."

"My dad."

"Yeah, but I bet it was more for the higher ups."

"Voight?"

"Higher. They had some kind of tip or information that made them certain it was this Marcus West guy, what was it?"

"I don't know. If you didn't know that Marcus was innocent, then how come you said he was to his wife? That the cops screwed up?"

"Because I had to say something. And clearly nothing is as it seems here. If Voight let her go, then he had a good reason and I think that good reason is that the man was innocent. Who's higher than Voight?"

Liam shrugged. "The commander?"

"Maybe he was reliving some of the glory days. Got a tip, wanted to back in the mix. But his tip didn't work like he planned and it imploded and West was dead."

"Since he couldn't defend himself they just let everyone believe what they already did; that he was guilty." Liam finished.

"So then how did she find anything out and how did your dad get involved with her?"

"He felt bad," Liam said. "If he found out that he led the charge for the wrong guy, he would feel really bad about it."

"And he would try and make it up to her," Kyle said. "Somehow he introduced himself to her with an alter ego. Got involved in her life to help out, ease his conscious."

"I think he spent time with her and her son," Liam stated.

"You know this?"

"Not for sure. But I caught him in a lie. He had said he was working late on a case once, but a couple nights later I had accidentally picked up his phone and saw that Hailey had texted him wanting to know where he was. It was the same night he was supposed to be working with her."

"What did he say back?"

"That he was with me. That's how I know he was lying because he wasn't with me. He had been working late a little bit more than usual. And when I told him I needed money for my drum lessons, he said money was kind of tight and he would send the money the following week."

"He's good at being undercover and it sounds like he was giving her some cash too. Who knows what he told her, but it sounds like he was definitely helping her out. Maybe he was the one that wanted Voight to let her go."

"But she shot him. He was trying to help her and she shot him."

"We don't know the story, we're just guessing." Kyle reminded him.

"But we do know what she did."

"And we can't do anything with it. I don't know if anything that we think we know will ever come to light. You have to be prepared to just let it go."

"Let it go?" Liam gasped. "How can I just let it go?"

"Because you have to." Kyle said. "Because we'll never find out the answers we want—they won't be there, at least not for us. I'll try, but I just don't want you to be disappointed when there are no more answers forthcoming."

"Hey! Did you guys get lost?" Kelly asked as he walked towards them.

"No. Sorry. I accidentally got water all over the floor and was trying to wipe it up." Liam lied.

"Let's go back so you can tell your dad goodbye. He needs his rest." Kelly explained.

They went back into Jay's room and figured out that Kelly would take Liam home with him and Kyle and bring the boy back to the hospital the following day to see if Jay was ready to go home. Father and son embraced as best they could, each had tears in their eyes when they parted.

Two days later Kelly had taken Liam to the apartment to get a change of clothes for Jay after they dropped Kyle off at school. Kelly had enjoyed his day with the youngster yesterday, in-between hospital visits they had managed to find time to visit the Children's Museum and take a walk on Navy Pier. It was good for both of them to recharge their batteries, for Liam to have a bit of normalcy and for Kelly to relax and remember his days with Kyle years ago.

Now, Liam carefully chose the matching flannel shirt to the one he was wearing and carried it as if it were made of gold. Once at the hospital they both spoke with Will, who changed Liam's bandage and checked the sutures and took them upstairs to find Hailey speaking with Jay. It was clear they had interrupted something, but Hailey assured them it was fine and promised she would check in on them later when they got settled back at home.

Jay expressed his gratitude to the Firehouse 51 family and taking care of Liam while he was out of commission as Kelly drove them home. He had been happy to be released from the hospital, true he did lie a bit about how much pain he had been in, but he feared that honesty would have only kept in longer. He hated hospitals and he knew that Liam would do much better once he was home.

"No problem. Matt and Kyle did most of the heavy lifting. Besides he's a good kid."

"I was Dad." Liam concurred. "But I was really worried about you. Uncle Will said the wound was bad. That you bled a lot. I wanted to give blood, but I couldn't because I was too little."

"It was nice of you to try," Jay said.

"Why did she shoot you?" Liam asked.

"Hey, how about I grab you guys some lunch," Kelly offered trying to derail the conversation as he pulled up in front of the Halstead apartment.

"That'd be great," Jay said as he rocked himself back and forth to gain enough momentum to get out of the car.

"Any requests?" Kelly asked. "Besides no meat."

"Whatever you can find will work," Jay assured.

Kelly took off as Liam and Jay made their way into the apartment, Liam leading the way, unlocking all the doors and opening them for his father.

"I can put your gun and badge away," Liam said as Jay shrugged out of his coat.

"I got it kiddo," Jay assured. "Can you hang up my coat for me though."

Liam hung up the coat as well as his own and waited for his father to return to the living room, recalling just a couple of days before, he had broken down and sobbed in the place where he now stood, fearing he would never see his father alive again.

"Look at our shirts," Liam said as Jay returned. "I picked out our matching shirts."

"You sure did," Jay said sitting down on the couch, frustrated that he was so tired. The doctor said his body needed time to recover and that he would need to rest and that his body would demand it of him. Also, the pain pills might make him a bit tired and/or loopy. He wanted to make sure he didn't take too many and pass out or act intoxicated in front of his son.

"You said we'd get a Christmas card picture with our two shirts on."

"And we will, I promise. Just let me get rid of this thing," Jay said, indicating the sling. "I'm tired. I'm going to close my eyes for a minute. Can you keep an eye out for Kelly?"

"Yeah," Liam agreed. He had seen his dad work for days and come home exhausted, but this was different, a different tired and it scared him. Like Jay might not open his eyes ever again.

An hour later Jay did open his eyes and saw Liam watching TV with the volume so low, it could hardly be heard. "Did Kelly come back?" He asked.

"Yep. I already ate. Yours is in the kitchen. I can get it for you."

"In a minute. I want to talk to you first."

"Okay," Liam replied quietly."

"I'm sorry this happened. That you had to go through this."

"You had to go through it, not me." He said looking at Jay's sling. "What happened Dad? Why did she shoot you? Why didn't you have your vest on?"

"It's complicated."

"Truth for truth." Liam stated.

"What does that mean?"

"I'll tell you the truth if you tell me the truth. But you go first." Liam challenged.

"I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I trusted someone who wasn't stable and I was shot. How did you know it was a 'she' that shot me?"

Liam swallowed, realizing his error. "I don't. I just said she." Liam knew he couldn't tell his father the truth about he and Kyle's detective work. If Jay knew what they had been up to, he'd be in big trouble and Kyle might be too.

Jay suspected something was amiss, but he was too worn out to take the conversation any further.

"Okay then, how about warming up my lunch for me?"

"Okay," Liam agreed and got up and headed to the kitchen glad his dad hadn't demanded any answers from him.

_Weeks later~_

Kyle had smooth talked Trudy to get permission to go upstairs. She knew him and was aware that he had a friendship with Jay, and in some weird way, a way even she couldn't describe some type of relationship with Voight.

"Kyle," Jay said waving his good arm. "What brings you here?"

"How's Liam?" Kyle asked.

"Fine. Happy that I'm still on light duty though."

"I imagine so. Hey, is Voight in?"

"Yeah, in his office," Jay said looking a bit bewildered.

"Thanks," Kyle said heading to the sergeant's office.

"Kyle Casey, what brings you here?" Hank asked at the teen walked in and closed the door behind him.

"Since when does pressing charges become optional for the attempted murder of a CPD Detective?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Angela Nelson. Why is she free? How does she walk away from this?"

"Because it's what happened. And, it's none of your business."

"Liam is my friend, Jay is my friend and that makes me very interested."

"You don't know anything about it, so just cool your jets and walk out of here. This isn't your battle."

"It's Liam's, but he's too young to fight it or to fight it alone." Kyle said having spoken to Liam several times in the last few weeks, hearing the boy's concern that Angela had just walked away. The boy hadn't been able to talk to his father about it, so he talked to Kyle about it all.

"So here you are huh?"

"Yes. This is what I think; West was innocent, Jay was pushed to arrest a suspect and got the wrong guy. She found out somehow and shot him. Hell, he may have even told her because he has a conscious and a soul and couldn't live with the mistake. The mistake that was covered up by the department to protect someone higher up than him."

"You do have a vivid imagination. I'll give you that." Voight said.

"It may not be the whole truth, but the truth is in there. You want to protect Jay and that's admirable, but do you see where it led?" Kyle asked.

"Liam isn't in danger. Jay is fine."

"But he might not have been. I know you have tried to make up for your previous sins by doing the best you can to protect those around you, but sometimes things don't work out that way. And now this woman gets a free pass."

"It's what Jay wanted. It was his call. He was thinking about her son. I followed what he wanted. Let us take care of it—let it go."

"It was a mistake to let her go. Maybe you scared her for now, but will it be enough? Will it be forever?"

"Why can't you just be a normal thirteen year old for once? Worry about girls, homework and math class?"

"Because your actions, your mistakes from years ago won't allow me." Kyle said speaking of the time Voight had hired a hitman to kill Matt so he wouldn't write a report that implicated his son in a traffic accident.

"Yes I've made mistakes that are unforgivable and I'm sorry. I can't tell you any more than that. How you even know what happened back then between me and your father is beyond me. I really can't see your dad telling you." Voight said.

"I know, because nobody is as careful as they think they are. You tried to have him killed, and that is unforgivable and it always be the lens through which I look at you. It has and will forever taint anything you do in my eyes. I actually do have respect for you Sergeant Voight and I hope that you believe that, but everything you do is suspect in my eyes."

"I know that you can't forgive me and I would never ask you to."

"It's not about forgiveness, I've forgiven you. I did years ago, so that I could look at you, talk to you, move on. But I can never forget what you did."

"I know it's hard to forget."

"No, not hard to forget Sergeant; it's impossible."

Hank gave a quick nod. He was a force that most found hard to deal with, but this kid, this thirteen year old kid had no fear of him. Looked him in the eye with each exchange and never backed down. He had expressed the desire to become a cop when he grew up and he would be every bit the force of nature that Hank was if he survived that long. Kyle held no fear, he fought to protect and save everyone he felt deserving regardless of their age or specific situation and it had nearly gotten him killed more than once. But he still hadn't learned to back off and Hank didn't think he ever would. The kid clearly suffered from a messiah complex and he would make an excellent law enforcement officer, a true asset for those on the right side of the law and a nightmare to those on the wrong side of it.

"Angela Nelson was telling me about karma," Hank said looking at Kyle. "What does karma mean to you?"

"It means that the loss of your son, was meant to be," Kyle said. "And I'm sorry that it was."

Hank was momentarily speechless before he cleared his throat and spoke again. "How do you figure?"

"You wanted my father dead, put a plan in action to make it happen, only a lucky circumstance made your plan fail. My father's life was meaningless to you, I was meaningless to you. You wanted a man dead, simply because you didn't want your son to suffer from the consequences that he deserved. So it only seemed fitting that one day, you would watch him leave you."

With those words Kyle turned and left, leaving Voight at a total loss of words and mix of emotions that he wasn't even certain of. He watched the teen approach and talk to Jay. The kid was a genius, more than book smart, more than people smart, worldly beyond belief, but he had to come to the realization that his actions and outward emotions would make him a target and one day the bullseye would be hit.

"Hey Jay." Kyle said as he exited Voight's office and found Jay. "My dad wanted to take Liam and me to the planetarium on Saturday. We can pick him up and drop him off. You're welcome to come too if Liam won't let you out of his sight, but my dad thought you might want some time to yourself."

"That sounds heavenly," Jay said. "Liam's been a great helper. But if I didn't get back to work and out from under his watchful eye I was going to lose my mind."

"I'll text you the time later."

Jay looked over at Voight, who looked like he had been stung by a swarm of bees. He had no idea what Kyle had said to him, but it most definitely had an impact. Jay knew that Kyle had been a great help when he was in the hospital and the weeks since. That he had taken Liam under his wing and acted like the big brother that the boy had desperately needed. He also knew that Kyle was capable of so much more than anyone could ever expect from someone so young. He had no idea how much the boy knew of the Angela Nelson situation, but hoped it was minimal.

_Days later~_

Jay and Matt Casey stood back and watched the boys as they took part in an interactive exhibit at the planetarium. Jay had decided to go with them, wanting to have the time with his son while he had the opportunity. Once he returned to full duty, the hours would increase and time at home would decrease. Besides they still owed the boys their lunch at a vegan restaurant and neither father wanted to let that promise slip away.

"Back on full duty Monday?" Matt asked.

"Yes. Finally."

"Are you ready?"

"More than ready. I can't sit at a desk."

"How's Liam handling the idea of your return?"

"Not well. But he'll be okay."

"You've been in combat so I'm sure normal life seems far too mundane for you. So naturally you choose, shall we say, a career with lots of action. Liam knows this. He knows what you are seeking."

"I suppose he does. At least on some level."

"When Kyle was ten he stayed out all night. He did it after a factory fire that I didn't think I was going to escape from. I truly thought I was going to die that day. And out of desperation to show me just how terrified he was, he did one thing that he could think of to make feel that same despair. It worked. It worked well.

"I see that same look of desperation on Liam's face. That terror. My job has its dangers, but yours, yours is— well the risks are incredible. Kyle's experience with you—" he said speaking of the weeks the two had spent undercover, "he has a great amount of respect for you and your abilities."

"But?" Jay asked.

"But the world is big and at times very ugly. Those days that I spent some time with Liam when you were in the hospital, I saw some of the same looks of anger, passion, fury and intensity that Kyle wears. Those emotions have taken my son places he had no right to be. I just don't want Liam to be swept into a sea of his rage and not be able to make his way out of it." Jay nodded. "Just steel yourself for some push-back when you go back to full duty. And Jay, keep him close."

_Soundtrack: This is War by Matthew Raetzel_


	22. Return To Duty

Return To Duty

Jay was beyond exasperated. Liam had done everything in his power to stall, delay and be a general pain in the ass all morning. The push-back that Matt Casey had described had certainly reared its ugly head, but since Jay had been back to work for weeks he couldn't figure out what the problem was. They had to cut their morning exercise routine short because it took so long to get out the door when Liam couldn't find his gloves, which ended up being right by the front door. He then had to use the bathroom and took his sweet time about it, then claimed he couldn't get his shoelaces right. So by the time they actually got out the door, Jay only had time for two miles.

Once back at the apartment, he practically had to put Liam in the shower. He refused to eat, so Jay gave up, deciding he wouldn't starve to death by lunch time. And now here they were in the final stages of attempting to get out the door to work and school. Jay was getting his gun and badge from his bedroom, ready for his first day back on full duty and the streets. He had been losing his mind while stuck on desk duty and all of his focus had been on this day and his return to the action. Liam was supposed to be getting his coat and hat on, but when Jay walked into the living room he only found frustration once again.

"My hat won't fit right," Liam complained of his Cubs baseball cap.

"It's too cold for that hat. Wear this one," Jay said as he tossed him the Chicago PD knit hat that Trudy had given Liam after Jay was shot.

"I don't want to wear that one. I want to wear this one!" Liam yelled of his baseball hat as the knit hat hit him in the chest and fell to the floor.

"Pick up the winter hat and put it on. Come on, we're going to be late." Jay urged.

Liam picked up the hat off the floor and preceded to throw it as far as he could towards his bedroom. "Oh no you didn't," Jay said. "Look kid, you have to get to school and I have to get to work. Quit screwing around and let's go," he said as he retrieved the hat. He handed it to Liam who gave sour look and raised his hand to throw it again. "You had better not," Jay began as Liam threw it again.

"Go pick it up right now!" Jay yelled, completely out of patience.

"No!" Liam said, his eyes set and focused.

"You have a funny way of saying yes sir." Jay countered.

"Cause I didn't say it," Liam spat back.

Jay stood motionless for a moment before he leaned over and picked his son up and sat down on the couch. Liam instantly began to squirm and fight the restriction. "You are going to tell me what the problem is right now," Jay said hanging on tightly, relieved that his shoulder still felt good during this epic battle.

"Nothing is wrong."

"Then what is your problem?"

"Nothing," Liam repeated.

"Then get your hat, put it on, then get your gloves on and grab your backpack so we can leave." Jay said as he let go and allowed Liam to stand up.

Liam got up, went over to the hat, bent down, picked it up and threw it once again. Jay's eyes widened in disbelief. In the ten years he had been with his son, never had he endured such outright defiance. He wasn't sure what he should do at this point as he found himself at a total loss. It was well below freezing outside so the kid needed the hat, but this fight wasn't about the hat, he just wished he knew what it was about. Right now, Liam was pushing every button he had and Jay had to be the parent and not allow the boundaries to be pushed or stomped all over as was the case now.

Jay took a deep breath and went over and picked up the hat once again. He held it in his hands for a moment, looking at it, turning it over, looking at the emblem. He was beginning to feel a wave of anger wash over him, just as it had while he was in Afghanistan when he couldn't control things. He would feel a rage when he needed something to happen and it wouldn't happen fast enough or when he needed something not to happen, but it happened anyway. It would always cause him to lash out in one way or another, and now this exasperation and displeasure was creeping within him now and he wasn't sure that he could stop or even manage it. Everything became an internal struggle when he couldn't control a situation and right now his son was seemingly in control and it was not sitting well at all with Jay. Were these emotions a form of the PTSD he suffered from or was it because he had lost control of the situation with Angela Nelson and had gotten shot? Did it matter which one or if it was neither one? Right now he just needed his son to put his damn hat on. He took a deep breath and went over to Liam, demanding that he put it on, when the boy made no move to honor his wishes, he grabbed him with one arm and as his last resort used the other to pop him on the backside with a couple of stinging blows. "Now, put the hat on, get your stuff and we'll leave. Throw it again, and we'll go another round and you will lose all of your weekend privileges, which include going ice skating at the park with Dylan on Saturday." Jay hated what had just happened, but was relieved it was nothing more than that. He knew he had made great contact as his hand was humming. But he absolutely had no idea what else to do and his body had just seemed to react on it's own as his mind was still swirling in the past and the unknowns that had poked and prodded him. Besides Liam had been beyond reasoning with.

He handed his son the hat and held his breath as Liam took it and put it on his head. He wanted to say thank you but thought he better keep his armor up for right now and kept quiet as Liam went by the door and picked up his gloves and slid them on and grabbed his backpack and walked out the front door not bothering to look back.

"Wow you did have quite a morning," Hailey said after Jay described the scene to her as they drank their morning coffee. "But you do know why he was being such a brat right?"

"No," Jay said. "If you do, please tell me."

"It's obvious Jay. You're back to work."

"I've been back at work." Jay said tossing the pen he had been fiddling with on top of his desk.

"On light duty. This is your first day back on the streets. You were shot and nearly killed the last time you were out there."

"But I wasn't really on duty when that happened."

"Liam doesn't know that. And does it even matter? I swear sometimes men can be so dumb."

"Dumb?" Jay asked, indignantly.

"He's scared Jay. You almost died. Plus the hat you kept throwing at him represented the CPD—which is the entity that was responsible for your situation. You have to understand that it seemed like forever before we knew whether you were going to live or not. Liam put his hand through a window to stay at the hospital that night."

"Wait, he did what?" Jay asked.

Hailey realized what she had just said. "The day you were admitted, the plan that evening was for him to go home with Kelly Severide and Matt and Kyle Casey, but he didn't want to leave you. Refused to leave actually. He kind of freaked out when Will told him the plan. Kelly picked him up and had backed up into the hallway for some privacy as he had his tantrum. Liam was throwing his arms all over the place and his hand went through the cabinet that held the fire hose. I can't tell you whether or not it was on purpose, but the behavior that caused it certainly was. You did notice his hand right?"

"Of course I did. He just told me it was an accident. That he had cut it on some glass."

"Well he did, that's technically true. He loves you so much Jay. You are his surviving parent, it's normal for him to worry about you. How is his hand by the way?"

"Fine. The stitches are out, there will be a scar. But he thinks it's cool."

"Not all scars can be seen Jay. Remember that." She said echoing Kyle sentiments from weeks before.

Jay tried to get off in time to pick up Liam from the after school program, but knew by 5:00 that wasn't going to happen. But he did manage to get home by 7:15, where he found Ellie washing dishes.

"You can just leave those," Jay said as he put his keys on the table by the door.

"You shouldn't have to worry about a sink full of dishes after working all day. Besides, I'm done. How's the shoulder?" She asked as she finished up, drained the sink and wiped her hands on a towel.

"Not bad. Got to stretch my legs a bit."

"Feel good?" She asked, knowing Jay was a man of action, not a man of sitting.

"Yes it did as a matter of fact. How's the boy?"

"Quiet. He's in his room. He didn't eat much dinner."

"Okay. Thanks. Not sure what tomorrow will bring."

"I'm here until you are," she said smiling as she put her coat on.

Jay closed the door behind her and headed towards the closed bedroom door. He knocked softly. He had thought long and hard about what Hailey had told him. How could he have missed what now seemed so obvious? Jay didn't wait for a response before opening the door.

"Hey kiddo. How was your day?" Liam only shrugged as he sat at his desk. He didn't bother to look up from his spelling workbook.

Jay sat down on the bed and watched his son ignore him. "Can you come over here and sit down?"

Liam took his time but he finally got up and went over to the bed and sat on the edge as far away as he could from his father.

"I'd like to talk about what happened this morning."

"I don't want to," Liam replied looking down at his rumpled bedspread.

"Well we're going to. Why were you so difficult?" Liam just shrugged, his eyes down. "Look at me," Jay instructed. Liam looked up, but still diverted his eyes. "Look at me," Jay said again causing Liam's eyes to finally focus on him. "Why were you so upset?"

Liam shrugged and once again looked down. "Look kid, you have to help me out here. Didn't you want to go to school? Are you having problems?"

Liam shook his head. "It's okay, no problems."

"Then what? Didn't you want me to go to work?" But Liam remained quiet and Jay knew he had found the truth. But Liam still wasn't talking, so he switched gears. "Let me see the cut on your hand." Liam looked confused but held his hand up. There was a jagged purple line showing where the damage had been done. "Does it still hurt?"

"It's kinda tender if I press on it or grab something. But Uncle Will said it would get better and not hurt anymore in a few weeks."

"Tell me how you cut it?"

Liam picked at his comforter, looking down again. "I cut it on some glass."

"Look up at me," Jay said again causing Liam to look up. "Tell me how you cut it on some glass."

"The glass just broke and cut me."

"What were you doing when the glass broke? What glass broke?"

"I accidentally hit it."

"Hit what?"

"The cabinet where the fire hose was."

"How did that happen?"

"I just hit it with my hand." Jay looked at his son who had always been a pretty poor liar and tonight was no exception.

"Tell me the truth."

"I was mad because Uncle Will wanted me to go home with Kelly and Matt and Kyle but I didn't want to go."

"And?" Jay prodded.

"So I got mad and Kelly picked me up and I threw my arm out and it hit the box and the glass broke and cut my hand. Uncle Will had to stitch me up and I got to stay at the hospital."

"Did you do it on purpose?" Jay asked even though Liam had initially stated it was accidental.

"I'm not sure. Maybe." Liam said, but deep down he knew. He knew he was willing to do anything and everything to stay at the hospital.

Jay wasn't sure either, but he was leaning towards the fact that it was intentional. "Why didn't you want to go home with Kyle?"

"Because I wanted to stay with you. They said you had lost a lot of blood. I thought you were going to die. I had to be there in case you did. You couldn't be there by yourself, I had to be close." Liam said as a tear slid down his cheek.

"Oh buddy. I'm sorry you had to go through that." He said as he scooted over and pulled Liam closer to him. "I'm sure it was pretty scary."

"All I could think of was that I was never going to see you again—that if I left, you might die and—" Liam dissolved into sobs.

Jay held his son's shaking body and fought his own tears, losing the battle once or twice as his own eyes betrayed him. The droplets falling into Liam's hair. After several minutes Liam pulled away and wiped his eyes and dragged his sleeve across his nose.

"Were you acting out this morning because you didn't want me to go to work?"

Liam nodded his head up and down. "I guess so."

"But I went back a couple of weeks ago and you seemed fine with it."

"Because you still had your sling on and you couldn't be on the streets. You were safe."

"But now you're worried because I'm back out on the street?"

"Duh," Liam said looking up at Jay. "Look what happened to you. Why weren't you wearing your vest. You promised that you always would."

"I know. But it was a complicated case. I made some mistakes that I won't ever make again."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise."

Liam wanted to ask his father about all the details of the Marcus West case and his relationship with Angela Nelson, but he knew he couldn't. If he let anything slip Jay would demand to know details and there was no way that he could reveal what he knew and how he had come to find it out. He didn't want to get into trouble for eavesdropping or sneaking around the hospital or talking to Angela and basically threatening her. He also didn't want to implicate Kyle in any of it either.

"Can I still ice skate with Dylan on Saturday?" He asked quickly, before he blurted anything else out.

"As long as your behavior turns around and we don't go through what we did this morning ever again."

"Ever?"

"Ever! I don't want to be pushed into the position I was in this morning again."

Liam seemed to think back about the earlier incident. "Yeah, me either. That hurt."

"It was supposed to. But I hated that I did it, but I hate even more that I had to do it."

"Me too. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. Finish your homework and we can have a snack while we watch the end of the hockey game."

"Dad," Liam called out as Jay was getting up. "Kyle Casey spent all night outside one time when he was my age, because his dad and Kelly almost died in a fire." Jay sat back down on the bed.

"That must have been scary for him when they were in the fire."

"Yeah. That's why he wanted to make them scared."

"So he was outside all night? In the city? Alone?" Jay asked, not revealing that he was already aware of the story.

"Yep, wandering around. His dad was scared, Kelly too. But he got in big trouble for it."

"I bet he did. You better not ever think of doing anything like that. You already have two strikes against you, you don't want strike three."

"Two strikes?" Liam asked.

"Skipping school and going down to the Loop. Times when I had no idea where you were. I'll forgive you the time you took off with your mom since that was an extenuating circumstance."

"What would happen if I hit strike three?"

"You'd be grounded for a very long time, have lots of extra chores, and then, even though I hate it, more of this," Jay said grabbing Liam and playfully tossing him on the bed and gently smacking him on the butt. "Got it dude?" He asked as Liam laughed and Jay pulled him up smiling at his son's red face and mussed hair.

"I got it."

"Finish your homework," Jay told him again.

"Okay. I don't have much left." 

"Alright, I'll start the popcorn then."

The remainder of the night was spent cheering on the Blackhawks and eating popcorn, more of it falling to the floor and couch that made it into their mouths, Jay enjoying every minute of it.

_Soundtrack: Under These Scars by Godsmack_


	23. Emma

**Emma**

It had taken nearly the entire five years for her father to once again believe in her. She was even somewhat surprised that he hadn't just shot her on sight. She knew it was a risk, that he might not be the least bit interested in what she had to say or hold any desire to hear it. But as she thought of what she had left behind, she found herself okay with that possibility. She had given up what she had loved so what was left to want? To live for?

But she had been the favorite, the most like her father. She was smart, quick, and more intuitive than any of her siblings. Those attributes along with her amazing instincts made her irreplaceable. Jay had great instincts as well, she could only imagine what Liam's were like. There was probably no one better than her son in what he could sense and just know without rhyme or reason. She could see so much in those eyes, the same unrest that Jay's held. The mind turning things over and over again; watching scenarios play out and trying to find the best way to fix the world.

Her father hadn't shot her on sight, but she did quiet the room in mere seconds upon her arrival all those years ago. Her uncles, siblings, cousins all stopped mid-sentence and gaped as she filled the doorway to the local pub that they owned, ran, and spent a lot of their time at. She knew they would all be easy to find. She had always told her father it was dangerous to have so many of the family in one place on a regular basis. The target couldn't have been bigger or easier, but he always assured that nobody would have the balls to even make an attempt. And thus far he had been right. But it was that arrogance that eventually allowed her to take him down.

It was baby steps, day by day, week by week. Her family squawking that she couldn't be trusted. After all, she had left the fold. She had no right to come back, she had no right to live. But as long as her father gave her permission to survive, nobody dared to do anything but tolerate her presence. So her path was before her, one step at a time, failure not an option. It helped knowing that her son was safe, that the only man she had ever loved was safe, she owed them an end to the secret they never knew existed.

She hated plotting and planning death and destruction on behalf of her family's name, but it was the only way to win her father's love and trust. She knew most attacks were against those that were players in a dangerous game where the rule book clearly indicated that you wouldn't die of old age. It was much like the gang life that played itself out every day in the city that she had left. The struggle that Jay dealt with, seeing the young pulled into a world that didn't deserve but were forced to partake in order to survive. The irony being that they most often didn't, at least not for very long.

Finally after years of effort she had her moment. The moment that her father would follow her anywhere. The moment she was in control. He had cost her everything; her child, her love, her home. But then again, would she have found it at all without him. Not only is life not black and white, but the shades of gray were so muted that they were nearly impossible to distinguish. He had given her everything and forced her to walk away from it. She had nothing left, so maybe he did win in the end.

Now, she was simply incomplete as she sat, alone, with a picture of her son and a memory of her lover and nothing else. She had no home and nowhere to go back to. She was also fully aware that nobody was awaiting her return, she had cut all ties to anyone who had known her. She had made her final goodbyes. She belonged nowhere and to no one. She had a child who had no idea who his mother truly was. What would it be like to love someone who truly didn't exist? That is what she had given Liam, and Jay if he had any room left to love her.

Was she as evil as the demons that haunted her, that held much of the same DNA as she did? A forever victim of the life she had been born into. What had she done to those that she was supposed to love? She had killed one and she had abandoned the rest. She thought of her favorite childhood book, Alice in Wonderland, would have been a better choice to leave for Liam as it described her life of uncertainties, mysteries and the nonsensical realities that she was forced to accept as normal. But she wanted better, she wanted Charlotte's Web to be his guide, she wanted loyalties and the strength of friendship and of love—everything that she had failed to deliver. So, yes, she was as evil as the demons that would forever haunt her. Her selfishness had created only pain and that was her legacy—no better than her fathers endowment.

She looked at the ocean in front of her and felt only emptiness. She was tired of dancing with her demons; time and distance hadn't made them disappear. Her desire to walk its shores alone held no longing. The sand beneath her feet should have felt soft, but it didn't, the sun should have warmed her, but it didn't, the ocean should have felt cold but it didn't. It was as if she had no more feelings left, the world no longer touched her. The picture that she had held in place for so long, her hand in Jay's, Liam running, playing, was never more than that—a day dream. A picture forever held only in her own mind. And as she saw it one last time, its fleeting presence, disappearing from her senses, she began to walk into the water.

Short chapter...but next week will find Liam in the middle of an adventure that lands him in big trouble despite the fact that he can't understand why everyone is so upset.

Soundtrack:

Left Behind Deep Dark Woods

Change by Daniel Spaleniak

Wolves by Down by Silver

My Immortal by Evanescence


	24. Strike Three

Strike Three

"Okay, people, how are we going to get a sample of what they are selling? We have narrowed down the product to two territories and my bet is that it's the Hustlers. We have to see what they are selling and if it is the stuff that is killing people. Now it has been two days too long and we still haven't made any progress," Voight stated, the frustration clear in his voice as he briefed the team, each member paying close attention.

"Sarge, they have lookouts all over the neighborhood, know most of us and seem to know a cop on sight." Adam was saying.

"Why don't we set up beyond their neighborhood and pull over people coming out." Kim said.

"Civil rights, that's why. We can't just pull them over and then what, ask if we could take a sample of the drugs that they just bought and oh by the way, that stuff might kill you quicker than you thought." Kevin said.

"Too much traffic and they'll catch on before we even get started." Jay added.

"They employ a lot of kids and are always on the lookout for more, the younger the better," Hailey said.

"Yeah, well we don't employ any," Voight replied. "The one thing they don't balk at and we're fresh out."

"Too bad," Adam joked.

"The CPD doesn't use kids in their operations." Voight reminded.

"Unless they're already in the middle of the mess and need to make a deal," Kevin clarified.

"Well, go find me some." Voight ordered.

The team had put a lot of effort into attempting to put a stop to the drugs that were making their way into the streets laced with fentanyl and/or battery acid. As if drugs weren't dangerous enough on their own, a lot of the local dealers cut it with cheaper products and upon occasion, accidentally overdo it, taking out half their clientele. But it never took long to rebound, so they there was never much concern. But it did make them very paranoid about who showed up on their streets and they didn't take kindly to strangers. The guys at the top knew the game and played it well, and didn't care much about the underlings as they were deemed disposable. Many employed kids, who, if got caught went through the system so fast, there were barely missed. They were also too terrified to speak a word about anyone or anything higher up the chain. Their bosses threw around threats like basketballs and kids accepted it all as truth with little convincing. They made use of kids of all ages and races, but liked the white kids the best, as they drew the least attention. So when the little blonde boy showed up they welcomed him with open arms.

"You lost?" A twenty-something, black man with a thick gray sweatshirt on asked.

"No." Liam answered.

"What you want?" Another man with a black hoodie asked, making it sound like one word.

"I need to make money," Liam explained.

"You a little young to be supporting a family," gray sweatshirt said.

"Well I am."

"What's your name?" Hoodie asked.

"Ryan." Liam stated, knowing it was often the name his dad used while undercover.

"Okay Ryan, tell us your story and then we'll decide if we want you workin' for us." black hoodie stated.

"My dad ain't around, when he is he just takes what little money we have and shoots or smokes it up. My mom works two jobs but she likes the taste too. Bottom line is we're not going to make rent without me bringing in some cash. We did the shelters and we're not going back. The last time some creepy guy touched my little sister and I promised her I'd never let that happen to her again." Liam said, having come up with the story on his way there.

"How old is your sister?" gray sweatshirt asked.

"Six. I can't let her be there again. You have to stay awake all the time so nobody takes your stuff or does something bad to you. Our apartment sucks, but it's ours, and we have a bedroom and a microwave and refrigerator."

"And nobody bothers you?" Hoodie asked.

"Not when we lock the doors. So please help me out. Rent is due next week."

"What you think?" Hoodie asked his partner, once again making it sound like one word.

"I think this little white boy could go a lot places and not freak the white customers out. Look little one, take this," sweatshirt said, waving another kid over and taking a tiny baggie from him to give to Liam, "take this and sell it, bring back the money and we'll go from there." He said handing Liam the bag with an 'H' logo on it that looked like baseball bats lined up like the letter.

"How much do I charge?" Liam asked, his blue eyes staring at his possible new employers.

"Twenty. You got that? Sell it for twenty dollars then bring the money back here tomorrow, same time and then we'll talk. Don't sell it or get less than that for it and don't bother coming back." Hoodie said.

"Got it," Liam said tucking it in his favorite worn out and torn winter coat from last year that Jay had nearly thrown out before Liam begged to keep it for one more winter, even though it was getting too small.

"Hey blondie, don't screw us or we'll make you wish that you were never born." Sweatshirt yelled out as Liam had turned and begun to walk away.

"My parents already make me wish that," Liam yelled back not too concerned about their threat.

"See how bad it is out here—even the white kids hate they life now." Hoodie stated shaking his head.

Liam couldn't suppress his smile as he jogged down the street. He was pretty proud of himself and his efforts. He had pulled it off—his first undercover operation. He was just like his dad, he had even thought to use the name Ryan. He nodded to himself, the smile broad and if he could have patted himself on the back he most certainly would have.

He knew that there would be some likely repercussions from this little impromptu adventure. But he had gotten what the team had needed and had found no other way to procure. Sure they'd be a little mad, but he had come through and Liam was sure they'd be grateful for that. Now he just had to find his dad and explain it all and make it sound good.

Jay had just strapped his vest on and checked his weapon. He looked up at the three story brick apartment building and then back at the rest of the team that was preparing to descend on the subject that they had been looking for and had recently been reported to be staying here at his sister's place.

The neighborhood, not far from the district, was quiet for the moment. Jay stood behind Adam's car as they all finished their preparation. As he took one last look he felt a tug at his vest. He looked down and couldn't believe the cause of it.

"Liam? What are you doing here?"

"I just had drum lesson down the street, at the other store not my normal place. Nobody came to pick me up."

"What are you talking about? I had somebody lined up. I'm sure of it." But Jay didn't look sure of anything.

"No you didn't. Ellie had an appointment and Kendal has an afternoon class this semester. You said you'd find someone to pick me up if one of the parents could get me here. Jeremy's mom got me here but nobody picked me up."

"And they let you leave by yourself after your lesson?"

"No. But I stepped outside and said you were coming, so they let me go. Then I started walking to the district but saw you first."

"Oh man," Jay said frustrated that he had left his son without care. How could he have forgotten? Clearly he had to get him out of there, the subject was known to be armed and dangerous and it was almost certain he wouldn't be taken without a violent exchange. And what were the odds that this assignment would allow him to cross paths with his ten year old son.

"I can—" but before Liam could finish his sentence a crack split the air and Liam dropped in a heap, blood pouring out from underneath him, his eyes open and blank.

Jay's mouth opened but no sound came out. There was dead silence and then the sound of Kevin and Voight running and breaching the door to the apartments. Adam was circling around the car, his eyes wide, panicked as he called in for an ambulance while Hailey came running over and knelt down next to Jay who was on his knees reaching for his son. Finally the scream that had stuck in his throat shattered the silence as Jay picked up Liam's lifeless body. The boy's arms flopped behind him, the blood had already matted his hair, the back of his skull was shattered, pieces falling away, brain matter on the street. His son was dead and it was his fault.

Jay shot up, sweat pouring from him, bile rising up in his throat. His fault, this was all his fault. He threw the blankets off and swung his legs out of bed. His sleep had been fitful at best and he had been grateful for getting that. He stood up on shaky legs and tried to swallow back his fear and devastation. What he had just seen, was it a nightmare or a memory? At that moment he had no idea and was terrified to find out. He recalled the drug buy being real. Liam being out by himself being real. But what had just gotten him out of bed in a near panic real?

He needed to remember. He remembered Liam being in big trouble, the punishment he had issued, swift and severe, its shadows still lurking in the apartment. Jay looking for assurances from both Will and Matt Casey about his actions, being assured they were warranted since it was concerning Liam's safety. Speaking to Dr. Charles at Chicago Med. But why had he spoken to him? The aftermath of what?

His shaky legs had gotten him to his bedroom doorway, it was slightly open, was that meaningful? He looked at Liam's bedroom door which was shut tight. Did that mean anything? Had they been closing it lately? He knew it was better for the door to be shut if a fire broke out, but he had always left it open so he could hear if Liam had needed him during the night.

Jay paused outside the doorway and leaned against the wall for support. He tried to steady his breathing as his hand was shaking so badly that he could barely control it. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears. He finally was able to put his hand on the doorknob. He twisted it, nearly breaking it off with his grip. He pushed the door in and then took another moment to swing his body around to look inside the room. It was dark, but his eyes were already accustomed to the shadows as he took a step inside, he looked for the telltale lump that would be his son under the covers, but it wasn't there, the bed was empty. Jay gasped as a sob rose up and he sank to his knees on the floor. It hadn't been a dream, it had been a memory. A haunting memory that his son had been taken from him because he had screwed up with childcare. His boy had died right in front of him.

"Dad?" Liam asked behind his father who was an obstacle on the floor. "You okay?"

"Oh thank God," Jay said as he released his breath.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

"The worst." He said, trying to control his breathing. He was certain he must have looked like a wild animal, feral and uncertain. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth several times as he stood up, hoping that room wouldn't begin to spin away from him. "Back to bed kid," he managed to say, his voice as steady as he could make it.

Jay had a pretty good idea what had brought about this nightmare, and he was ever so grateful it had been just that. It had been so vivid, sharp and realistic he was nearly certain it had all been real. He had dropped the ball a few weeks back. Not really dropped it, but the ball rolled by and he failed to notice. One part was on him, he wasn't as careful as he should have been, believing his son wasn't the type to snoop. The other was a huge betrayal of trust, proving he couldn't rely on his son to always do the right thing.

He put Liam, who had been in the bathroom when he had walked into the bedroom, back into bed and retreated to his own bedroom and sorted through the timeline. They had been looking for the crew that was putting out bad batches of drugs. They hadn't been able to pinpoint the exact gang, but Liam had. The kid had gone in as a desperate child from a nearby neighborhood and convinced them to give him a packet to sell. He had brought it back to the district where he had been so proud of his actions and clearly didn't understand the fall out, yelling, lecturing, grounding and more that had followed.

The kid had gotten on the laptop one evening and read a file that Jay had minimized but failed to close. He had read of the issues with getting the drugs from two gangs that were left to test. He saw how they used kids and decided that he could be of service. Then, using Jay's phone while he was in the shower, he texted his babysitter for the following day and said she wouldn't be needed after his drum lesson. She replied that she understood and Liam had deleted both texts.

The drugs taken from the Hustlers had been the mix under suspicion, but the method to obtain them had been unacceptable and Liam had been told as much. The next day, the team, minus Liam, went after the guy in charge who was staying in a three story brick apartment building who had fired shots but hadn't hit anyone. Jay's mind had merged the two together creating a terrifying ending. Liam was fine. But Jay was still struggling with what his son had taken upon himself to do.

Previously ~

Liam, all smiles skipped up the stairs and was relieved to see the whole team assembled and discussing the topic that he had just tackled all by himself. They all turned and looked confused when he walked in, but none more so than his father.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, his face reflecting confusion, disbelief along with some anger. He looked past his son for signs of a babysitter who had must have been lagging behind. But it soon became clear that Liam was alone.

"I got what you need," Liam said walking past Jay and up to Voight. He pulled the tiny baggie from his pocket and handed it off to the Sergeant.

"What's this?" Hank asked.

"What you need." Liam explained. "The drugs."

"How'd you get this?" Voight asked as Jay walked over.

"I acted like I needed a job, you know, to sell the drugs. It said they use a lot of kids," Liam stated, wondering why the room was so quiet.

"What said they use kids?" Voight asked.

"The report." Liam replied, causing Hank's eyes to grow wide.

"And they gave you this?" Jay asked, the words spilling from his mouth as if Liam was an informant and not his son.

"Yeah. Said to sell it for twenty bucks and bring the money back and they'd give me a job. But you can test it now. It's the Hustlers."

"Looks like their logo," Adam said as he joined the fray.

"Ruzek, take this to the lab and get it tested. Halstead's, both of you, my office now!" Voight yelled.

Liam fell in step behind Hank while Jay brought up the rear. "Close the door," Hank barked and Jay complied. "Sit down," he pointed and the Halstead's both sat on the couch. "Explain this to me again, and give me details."

So Liam did. He explained how he had gotten on the laptop to play a game after Jay had gotten up to take a phone call. He noticed a document had been minimized and pulled it up and read it. Once he realized the difficulties that the unit was having in procuring the needed sample, he realized that he could be of assistance. So later that evening when Jay was in the shower he texted Kendal from Jay's phone and said she wouldn't need to pick Liam up after his drum lesson as he had it covered. He then deleted his message and her response, leaving no evidence of the conversation.

Then he pulled a map of where the hustler territory was from the report and made his own little map so he could leave his phone at home just in case Jay decided to take a look at where he was. He was able to duck out of his drum lesson early and jumped on the L and found the block he was looking for. He made the buy and here he was.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Hank yelled as Jay just sat trying to absorb what his child had just said.

"I helped. I got you what you needed. What you couldn't get," Liam explained, confused by the Sergeant's reaction.

"Let me get this straight, you went into gang territory and approached a dealer and lied to him?"

Liam shrugged. "Yeah. I guess so. I just went to the first corner where there was a couple of guys and they asked me what I wanted."

Hank looked like he was about either fall apart, jump out the window or punch an inanimate object. "Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable."

"But I got the drugs."

"So you've said. Do you realize, just for one second, stop and think about how dangerous this little expedition was?"

"Kids do it all the time." Liam argued.

"Because they have to. Because that street corner is their street corner. It is not your street corner. If this was such a great idea, why were you so secretive about it? Huh? Why delete your messages and lie?"

"Because I didn't want to get caught," Liam replied.

"Because you knew what you were doing was wrong!" Hank stated loudly.

"Because I wanted to make you proud. I thought I was doing something good." Liam explained looking back and forth between Hank and his father.

"You thought you were doing something good?" Jay asked, finally joining the conversation as he stood up and turned to look at his son.

"Well, yeah. I met the objective. Didn't I?" Liam said, his eyes wide.

"Take him home," Hank ordered.

Liam and Jay stood up, but Hank had Jay hang back. "Go sit at my desk and do not move," Jay warned as he stopped in the doorway and looked back at his boss.

"Shut the door," Voight said. "I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to say about your role in all of this. But I'm going to say it anyway. You clearly have to be more careful with private police documents—minimizing them isn't the solution—it was lazy and careless."

"Yeah, sorry," Jay said looking away.

"This doesn't happen again," Voight warned.

"It won't," Jay promised as he was dismissed and headed towards his son.

The ride home was fraught with tension. Jay gripped the steering wheel so hard, his hands ached, his focus on the road so complete that he saw everything and nothing at the same time. While Liam stared out his window in the back with an intensity saved for surgeons.

Neither father or son could understand why the other couldn't understand. The deadlock loomed like a low cloud threatening to unleash its drips and drops of unpleasantness. Once inside, Liam made a beeline to his room but Jay called him back. "We need to talk."

"About what? How great a job I did?" Liam challenged.

"No. About how much danger you placed yourself in."

"I'm fine."

"What you did wasn't fine. You could have been hurt or worse."

"But I wasn't." Liam said, his arms folded his face locked in an impressive effort of contempt and rebellion.

"What made you think it was okay to look at private police files?"

"I just wanted to see what it was about. But once I started reading it gave me an idea to help—to help you." Liam wanted to say, 'to be like you,' but he let it die on his tongue, because right now he wanted nothing to do with his father. In fact this conversation was the last thing he wanted to endure.

"When you grow up and go to the academy then you can help. But right now you are a child. My child. And, I in no way, approve of your actions and you knew damn well I wouldn't which is why you snuck around and lied."

"Who says I want to be a cop."

"You don't have to be a cop. But you most especially don't get to be one when you're ten years old," Jay said, his voice rising.

"Well, don't worry. I won't ever help anyone ever again," Liam yelled, being overly dramatic in the way kids always seem to be able to capture.

"You won't have the opportunity since you'll be grounded for six weeks. No electronics, including TV and phone. No friends. Extra chores. And if I say jump you had better ask how high."

"Why would you ask me to jump!?"

"Don't be a smartass." Jay warned.

"You won't even be here to make me do tricks anyway," Liam snapped.

"Okay, we're done here, go to your room." Jay said pointing to the bedroom as he walked towards Liam, his nostrils flared in anger.

"I hate you. I did good. I did great and I shouldn't be punished for it!" He then slammed his door and Jay decided to let Liam have the last word until a few seconds later when he heard the song 'Fuck the Police' blast through the door. He shook his head, ground his teeth and flung the door open, realizing he had forgotten to confiscate his son's phone, which had been intentionally left behind from the day's activities. He grabbed it and the small speaker and took them both to his room and set them down and went back deciding the punishment he had just discussed had clearly been incomplete.

A few days later Will saw his brother standing in the hallway looking down at his phone. "Did you have a good talk with Dr. Charles?" He asked as Jay reappeared after leaving the doctor's office.

"Yeah. I guess so."

"Maybe Liam should talk to him too."

"Why? Because of how I disciplined him?" Jay asked with concern in his voice.

"No. Not at all. Quit worrying about that. The kid doesn't need a shrink because you spanked him for goodness sake."

"Then what for?"

"Because he still doesn't understand how dangerous what he did was. He still can't grasp the seriousness. And he needs to."

"Yeah. You're right. I spoke to Matt Casey, because his son Kyle has been known to pull stunts like this with even more gravity. He said the hardest thing was for the kid to understand the possible consequences. Even after the kid was shot, he didn't totally get it."

"So, maybe Liam needs to understand. You've done everything you can. I've spoken to him. Sergeant Voight went off on him, but he still thinks this was all okay because he accomplished his goal."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. In fact Dr. Charles recommended that Liam see someone."

"I can set it up with him."

"Let me talk to him first. I want to give him some choices. Let him feel as if he has some control." Jay said as he turned to leave. He took two steps and stopped and turned back around. "Hey, do you know the old saying 'this will hurt me more than it hurts you'?"

"Yeah sure. What about it?"

"It's true. It was true for me. Hence the talk today. But I don't ever recall Dad saying it. Do you?"

"No, never. But maybe he thought it, just like you did."

"Yeah, maybe." Jay admitted.

As Jay lay in bed, he thought back on his session with the psychiatrist. Years ago he would have never believed that he would have had counseling sessions or see a psychiatrist for his problems, but somehow it seemed to be the only way to solve some of the roadblocks in his life. He wasn't able to resolve certain things all alone and he found himself grateful for the help.

"So you think you went too far?" Dr. Charles asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I hit my kid."

"Well, corporal punishment has been a source of controversy for years. Some believe in it, some don't. Some feel as if it victimized them as children, others think it set them on the right path. Let me ask you, were you spanked as a child?"

"Me?" Jay seemed surprised by the question. "Yeah, sometimes."

"How did it make you feel?"

"My dad and I didn't really get along. But I would have to say his method of discipline made me get along with him even less."

"Do you and Liam get along well?"

"I like to think so."

"Do you think it will make you get along less?"

"Well I doubt it will make us get along more."

Dr. Charles laughed. "You're probably right about that. But, as a father you know that you will have to make decisions that will anger and disappoint your son."

"Yeah, father first, friend second. I just don't want him to hate me."

"Did you hate your father?"

Jay remained quiet. "I came to talk about my relationship with my son, not my father."

"But your relationship with your father is going to have a lot of bearing on the one you have with your son. How did you and your father get along?"

"We never really clicked. I always felt that I was his cross to bear."

"Did that mean you never got along?"

"We just saw things differently. I never felt that I could go to him."

"So what did you do?"

"Talked to my brother, my mother."

"So it's important to you that Liam can come to you about anything?"

"Very. He doesn't have a mother or brother to share things with, so I want him to feel safe in the knowledge that I will always be on his side."

"But this little stunt makes it a hard line to walk on doesn't it?"

"Yeah. I mean, what he did was brave and impressive, but I can't tell him that."

"How come?"

"Because I'm afraid he'll do something else dangerous."

"So, it was important for you to ensure that he understands how reckless he was and how dangerous a situation he put himself in?"

"Of course."

"It's a tough call. Sometimes you have to prioritize."

"His safety comes first." Jay said, determination in his voice.

"Good choice. Have you told him what he did had merits of bravery, but was ill advised?"

"No. What he did was too daring and risky. I didn't want to give him any fuel to believe what he did was okay."

"Afraid he might do it again?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"When he went into his room and played that song—Fuck the Police—it felt more like it was directed specifically towards you, didn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Can't have that disrespect can you?"

"He has to understand the rules of life, that bad things can happen. He can be mad at me, but he has to understand that I'm the boss and he has to abide by my rules."

"And you're afraid that he struggles with you and your rules?"

"I'm afraid that I did everything I knew how to do and he still doesn't understand. What else can I do, what is left? That is what scares me."

"That you're not up to the job?"

"Yes and that I'm screwing it all up." Jay said, his voice rising as the emotions began to pile up.

"That is a scary feeling isn't it? It must be hard for you to be in this position, especially when you're used to being in control. In your position people do what you want them to or if that fails you can force them. Respect is important. Respect you, respect the rules. But you can't very well handcuff your son or throw him in a cell and you can't watch him every second."

"That's why I have to know he has some discipline and character. So that I know he's okay when I can't be around."

"Be a friend, be a father, too harsh, not harsh enough? I imagine you are a man that doesn't scare easily." Jay stayed quiet and looked at the floor. "Raising a child is the scariest thing of all and doing it alone, is beyond terrifying, and doing it with a demanding job, requires more energy and endurance than most possess. When to push, when to let go—it isn't a science. It's hit and miss. It's tripping over your best intentions and living to see another day. It's managing it together, and believing in the end that you both will persevere.

"You won't be perfect—none of us are. It's trial and error and doing the best that you can. He will see your efforts, maybe not always understand them, but one day he may.

"This picture that you brought me, the one he drew a few months ago—I think we can both agree that Liam sees your job as something that keeps you apart." Voight had shared the picture with Jay that Liam had drawn the one night at the district showing the two separated by handcuffs, guns and other necessities of police work. The thought had been that perhaps Liam believed that if he made his father proud, it would somehow bring the man home earlier each day or in someway give them more time together. Jay had taken the picture to his session with Dr. Charles and he agreed. A son was just trying to connect with his father. Not a bad thing, unless you went about it like the ten year old had.

"Yeah. I work a lot of hours—a lot of unpredictable hours."

"And he hates that doesn't he?"

"Yes. I know one day soon, as he grows up he won't care if I'm around or not."

"But right now he wants you around, but you can't do it all."

"Yes. And sometimes I feel like I'm wasting the days where he wants me in his life and by the time I can cut back it will be too late."

"Do you think he tackled this undercover operation specifically to be closer to you? To immerse himself in your world?"

Jay shrugged. "Honestly I have no idea what to think."

"And maybe since he didn't receive the accolades he had both hoped for and expected, he might have felt a bit rejected." Dr. Charles continued.

"Fuck the police," Jay said with a sigh.

"Yeah, fuck the police." Dr. Charles echoed. "But maybe it felt more like fuck you, huh?"

"Yeah, I suppose that it did," Jay admitted.

The two men sat in silence for over a minute until Dr. Charles started the conversation again.

"You're both grieving."

"Grieving? Nobody died?" Jay replied.

"There are many reasons to grieve, death is only one of them. Watching someone leave your life is certainly cause for lament and sorrow. Liam's mother may have left on her own accord, but her departure probably felt just as final and had additional heartbreak since she did leave on her own accord."

"I guess," Jay said not really having thought of it like that.

"Losing his mother again, may have pushed him your direction even faster and harder. Wanting to be with you, please you, he jumped into an ill-advised situation. I'm sure he worries about you. You were shot recently, not long after his mother left. It's a lot for anyone to handle, much less a ten year old.

"Let me ask you, is he one to hold grudges?"

"Not really, but he tends to act out when things get tough, and when he does we talk."

"Well, perhaps you should talk before he acts out further."

"But he won't talk to me. Doing this alone—it's hard. As you've just established it's just the two of us."

"Does he ever talk to Will? A lot of times kids can open up to another adult and then they can fill you in and give you a starting point for a conversation. Has Liam ever spoken with a therapist?"

"Yes. Dr. Sawyer. But he hasn't really said much in their sessions."

"She is a very capable doctor and great with kids. But even so, sometimes the patient isn't ready. Maybe another session, with or without you might help him. If he's angry with you or just in general, he might share his feelings about what he feels is unfair."

"Might be worth a try."

"Let him decide whether you should be there or not. He needs to feel like he has some control."

"Of course."

"He'll come around." Dr. Charles encouraged.

"I hope so."

"If parenthood came with GPS, it would mostly say 'recalculating' a lot. Sometimes you just have recalculate, go a bit further and then recalculate again."

Jay had taken Dr. Charles advice and told Liam that he needed to talk to someone about what had happened. He was surprised when Liam asked for the doctor at the hospital.

"Dr. Charles?"

"Yeah. I met him when you were in the hospital. We didn't talk long, but he said if I needed to I could always tell Uncle Will that I wanted to talk. Can I talk to him?"

"Sure you can."

"I want to be alone."

"Okay," Jay agreed wondering if Liam somehow knew that he had also spoken with the psychiatrist.

Day's Later~

"Hi Liam. I'm Dr. Charles. I like your name—Liam. It rolls right off the tongue. So how are you today?"

"Okay, I guess."

"Do you know why you're here?"

"Because I got into trouble." Liam said as he looked down at the floor and shifted in his chair.

"You did didn't you. Pretty big trouble from what I understand. Can you tell me what happened?"

Liam sighed, fidgeted, but went through the whole story from beginning to end, stating he was frustrated at the reaction that he received from everyone.

"I see. So you were counting on everyone being pretty excited about what you did. But instead they were upset with you. Is that right?"

"Yeah. I did it right. I did it like my dad would have."

"Does he get congratulations when he does a good job?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"How long has your dad been a police officer?"

Liam shrugged. "My whole life."

"What did he do before that?"

"He was an Army Ranger."

"Wow. That's impressive. Tell me, how old is your dad?"

"I'm not sure. I think in his thirties."

"How old are you?"

"Ten."

"Not very close to your thirties then. Have you had any police training?"

"No."

"None at all?"

"No. I'm just a kid."

"Oh, that's right you're ten. But your dad's had a lot of training in the army and as a police officer?"

"I guess so."

"Have you had any training from the army?"

"No. I'm in fifth grade." Liam said looking at the doctor like he was stupid.

"Ah. So you're still pretty young and haven't had any training. But you knew the guys you talked to right?"

"No. I never saw them before."

"What about the neighborhood?"

"It was my first time there."

"Hmmm. So you didn't know the guys you spoke to or the neighborhood that you were in. You didn't have any kind of training—"

"But I got the drugs and helped," Liam argued beginning to see where the conversation was heading.

"You did. But think about what we just talked about and think about how things could have gone wrong."

"But they didn't."

"Has your dad ever gotten hurt on the job?"

"Yeah," Liam said quietly.

"Even with all that training and preparation, it still happens. You're right it didn't happen to you, but what if it had? Did anyone know you were there?"

"No."

"Did you have your phone in case you go hurt or lost?"

"No."

"Did your dad know where you were?"

"No."

"I guess it's a good thing nothing went wrong, especially since you haven't had any training. Liam, I think you are smart little boy and it's great that you wanted to help. But I think you got very lucky that you didn't get hurt."

"But I didn't."

"Just because you didn't doesn't mean it wasn't possible. Nobody plans on getting hurt, it just happens and sometimes it happens because of circumstances. You put yourself in circumstances that could have easily led to you getting hurt or worse. You're young, with no training, no experience, no way to protect yourself, no phone, in a strange area with strangers. Does that sound like a good idea?"

"No," Liam admitted.

"Yeah, I think you're right. Are you upset with your dad for punishing you?"

"I don't know. Maybe. But I was mad that he didn't think what I did was great."

"Did you do it to impress him?"

"I don't know. To be like him I guess."

"So how were you punished?"

I got grounded for six weeks, no electronics, no phone, no friends, no TV." Liam said, leaving out the one part that had left Jay so anxious.

Dr. Charles, knew he needed to dig deeper to see if Jay's anxiety was justified. "Tell me about the song you played after your dad took away all of your electronics."

"I still had my phone and speaker, he forgot about those, so I played a song."

"Right. Remind me the name of the song again."

"F the police," Liam admitted looking away.

"What does the F stand for?"

"I can say it?" Liam questioned.

"Only because I asked you," Dr. Charles said.

"Fuck the Police," Liam said.

"Why did you play that?" Liam shrugged. "Was it because you were in trouble?" Liam shrugged again. "Because you were punished instead of rewarded and because of that the police sucked?"

"I did their job and nobody was very excited about it."

"Why did you do their job?"

"Because I could? I don't know. I thought my dad would be proud of me."

"So when he wasn't, it made you pretty upset?"

"I guess."

"What happened when you played that song? What did your dad do?"

"He came back to my room and took my phone and speaker."

"Then what?"

"He was mad, really mad. His face was all scrunched up and his eyes were—I don't know—like they get when he doesn't see right."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that he isn't seeing what's always happening now, it means that he might be seeing something that happened a long time ago and it means that I'm in big trouble." Liam explained thinking back to the night when he had set off the firecrackers with Dylan.

"And what did he do because he was so mad?" Liam sighed and remained silent. "Did he take everything out of your room?"

"No. I still had my toys and books."

"Did he take your bed?"

"No. I need it to sleep on it."

"So after he took your phone and speaker he came back for what?"

Liam stayed quiet, looking around the room. "It was okay."

"What was okay?"

"What happened."

"What did happen?" Dr. Charles asked.

"I don't want him to get in trouble."

"Why would he get into trouble?"

Liam shrugged again. "I feel bad."

"What do you feel bad about?"

"That he had to do it."

"What did he have to do, Liam?"

"Punish me more."

"And how did he do that?" He asked as he glanced at a solemn looking Liam.

"It was my fault. I shouldn't have played that song." Liam said quietly.

"You feel bad about playing the song?"

"Yes."

"Because of your dad's reaction?"

"Yeah."

Dr. Charles needed Liam to tell him of Jay's reaction. The interaction had been eating at Jay and Dr. Charles needed to see how it affected Liam as well. If father and son were going to reconnect and move forward he needed to know their emotions.

"What do you feel guilty about Liam?"

"That he spanked me," Liam finally blurted out.

"You feel guilty because you feel you made him do that?"

"Yes. I mean I guess he didn't have to, but he had to do something and I was already grounded and stuff. I shouldn't have played the song."

"So he spanked you after you played the song?" Liam nodded. "And did it make you feel bad?"

"Uh huh."

"Because it hurt?"

"Yes, but because he didn't want to do it."

"How do you know?"

"I don't know for sure, but afterwards he didn't look so mad anymore; he looked sad. I didn't mean to make him sad."

"And you think what you did with the song made him sad?"

"Yes."

"So if you could go back and do anything different,what would it be?"

"Not playing the song," Liam admitted.

"Are you mad at your dad for spanking you?"

Liam shook his head. "No, but I am about my grounding. I mean I lost all my electronics and friends. It's going to be awful and it's forever."

"That is rough. Do you think that part is too harsh?"

"Yes."

"How come?"

"Because I did a good thing."

"So you accept your punishment for playing the song, but not for your undercover stunt?"

"Exactly," Liam stated, his eyes brightening up that the doctor seemed to understand. "I messed up playing the song, but not for buying the drugs."

"Okay," Dr. Charles began, trying to find a new method of questioning. "Did you have permission to do it? Go undercover?"

"No."

"Did you hide what you were doing?"

"Yes, till the end."

"How come?"

"Because they wouldn't let me do it."

"Why is that?"

"Because it was dangerous," Liam finally said, the light bulb flashing on.

"Yeah, it was pretty dangerous wasn't it?" Dr. Charles said as their time ended.

Will dropped Liam back off at the district and was talking to Jay when Hank called Liam into his office.

"Do you recognize this guy?" He asked showing a head shot of an individual.

"Yeah. He's one of the guys that gave me the baggy with the drugs inside." Liam answered as he studied the picture.

"Well, this is him now." Hank said pulling out a second photo showing the man's body riddled with bullets.

"Is he dead?" Liam asked, his eyes wide.

"Yes he is."

"Whoa."

"Do you see where that lifestyle gets you?"

"But I wasn't going to keep doing it. Just the one time," Liam explained.

"Well, whoever did this drive by didn't care who was doing what and for how long. This could have easily happened while you were standing there, do you get that?"

Liam's eyes were huge as he began to nod. "Yes. Yes sir." Liam said having another lesson hammered home or maybe the same one hammered further home. "I'm sorry." But he kept his thoughts to himself as he silently patted himself on the back. Yes, perhaps it was ill-advised, perhaps he had indeed gotten lucky, but he and he alone had solved a problem that nobody on the entire team could.

"What is that?" Jay asked having come over.

"A picture of a dead guy," Liam answered.

"What?" Jay asked, moving closer to get a better look. "You showed him this?" Jay asked, looking at his boss. "Liam go sit at my desk," he ordered. Liam looked at the two men but did as he was told. "You should have asked me before you did this." Jay said looking at Hank.

"You're right. I should have. But this is my unit and he needed to understand the gravity of the circumstance he put himself in. He was lucky to get out without damage."

"I agree. This is your unit and we were involved, but Sarge, I'm his father. I am." Jay said patting his chest. "And I get to make the choices about what he needs to see or not see."

"Again, you're right. I apologize. I stepped over the line." Voight agreed.

"But I can't say I disagree with it," Jay admitted looking at the picture.

He was walking back to his desk when his cell phone rang indicating it was Dr. Charles calling. He ducked into the breakroom to answer it. "Hey doc," he said quietly. "How was the session with Liam?"

"It was good. I think we made a breakthrough."

"Yeah. He seems to have a better grasp of the situation," Jay said, but decided to leave out the part where Voight had showed him the picture.

"But Jay, even though I believe Liam understands the danger that he placed himself in, that doesn't necessarily mean that he accepts it."

"But how can that be?" Jay wanted to know.

"I'm afraid his logical side understands it all, he's a very bright and engaging young man. But his emotional side, the side that wanted to please you, be a part of your world, will still struggle."

"What do I do?" Jay asked as he looked out and saw Liam pushing around a matchbox car on his desk.

"Reinforce how much you love him, how important he is to you and to everyone in the Intelligence Unit, to his friends etc. Figure out how he can help in the world now as a child, something not so dangerous. Perhaps you both can volunteer somewhere. Find a project for the two of you to do together that is preferably safer than what he did. I know your time is severely limited, but maybe take a day off, pull him out of school, set aside one day a month for an activity. Cook dinner together when you are home.

"You're a good father Jay, which is why your son wanted to please you. I know there are only so many hours in the day and there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself when you need it. Don't forget self-care, it as just as important as taking care of Liam."

"I'll think about what I can do with him."

"Jay. I would like to talk with you a little further at some point in the future." Dr. Charles said.

"About Liam?"

"No, about you and the relationship between you and your father. Stating that you were your father's cross to bear, is a pretty heavy burden to carry."

"Ancient history."

"Maybe, maybe not. But your relationship with your father does have some bearing on your relationship with your son. Just an hour or two. I think it might help you help Liam. At least think about it."

"Okay doc. I'll think about it."

"Oh and Jay—don't worry about your actions concerning the final act of discipline you enforced—Liam is really okay with it. His frustrations aren't at all entangled with that aspect of his punishment. In fact he was worried about you—I think his guilt outweighed yours. Okay?"

"Yeah," Jay said quietly as looked over towards his son. "Okay doc, thanks."

_Thank you for the reviews. I do appreciate the feedback._

_Soundtrack:_

_Pharell Williams Runnin'_

_Flesh and Bone by Black Math_

_Born Ready Zayde Wolf_


	25. Little House in the City

Little House in the City

"So you're grounded," Mandy said as they took their coats off and she bumped up the heat a little bit.

"Yeah." Liam said as he attempted to throw his coat up on the hook, but missed and it crumpled to the floor.

Mandy bent over and picked it up and put in on the hook. Liam hadn't said much on their walk home from the after school program. Ellie was helping a friend so Jay had asked if Mandy could walk him home and watch him until he got home. She enthusiastically took Jay up on the offer. He had told her that Liam was grounded and all the stipulations that came along with it.

"So what'd you do?" She asked as Liam threw his backpack into his room.

"Drugs." Liam replied.

"You did drugs?" She gasped.

"No just bought them."

"Bought them?" Her eyes now widened.

"I didn't buy them, they were given to me so I could sell them."

"Dude."

"No, not like that." Liam said sitting on the couch, putting his face into his hands. "Let me start from the beginning," he said and told her the story about going undercover, starting from where he looked at the report on the computer to where Jay grounded him.

"Wow. Can't say as I blame your dad. That was pretty dangerous."

"Yeah. So now I have no electronics, no TV, or friends."

"Well, I'm your friend."

"You're my babysitter."

"I can't be both?" She asked.

"If you want to be my friend, you can let me watch TV." Liam tried.

"Nope. No can do. Your dad is stealth-like and shows up at any time. I'm not getting busted letting you do anything you aren't supposed to. It's Little House on the Prairie for you."

"Little house on the what?"

"Little House on the Prairie. It was a series of books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. She lived in the 1800's. It was a TV series too. I loved the books when I was your age."

"Oh. I guess they didn't have TV back then."

"No. They had dirt and sticks."

"Great." Liam replied as he rolled his eyes.

"At least you have books and games," she tried.

"Yay," Liam said with mock enthusiasm. "I'm going to do my homework," he said and went to his room.

Later that evening Jay came home to find Liam in his room building some elaborate structure with his Lego bricks. "Hey kiddo," he said as he peeked inside the door.

"Hi Dad."

"How was school?" Jay asked as he pulled off his badge from his waistband.

"Fine. I did my homework already."

"Good. Did you eat dinner?"

"Yes. It's almost 8:00." Liam pointed out.

"What did you have?"

"Grilled cheese and tomato soup."

"That sounds good. How about you help me make that?"

"Okay," Liam said abandoning his project. "Did Mandy go home?"

"Yep, a minute ago." Jay said as he went to his bedroom to put his gun away. "She's probably going to watch you again in a couple of weeks. You get out of school early one day and Ellie is busy."

"What about the after-school program?"

"Canceled so the teachers can use the building for meetings without kids roaming around."

"Okay," Liam sighed.

"So I forgot how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. You better show me how." Jay said acting helpless.

"You know how to do it." But Jay just made a face and shrugged his shoulders. He was trying to connect with Liam in any way that he could, following Dr. Charles' instructions and suggestions. "Two pieces of bread, butter and two slices of cheese," Liam instructed.

Jay got out the needed items. "Now what."

"You butter that piece of bread and I'll butter this one. But just one side. We need the pan too. Mandy washed it, but it should be dry." They both buttered and Liam put his piece in the pan. "Put your cheese slices on the bread."

"I can't, my hands are full of bread and cheese." Jay said acting as if he couldn't proceed without help.

"Fine," Liam huffed, "I'll do it." He took the cheese from his father and arranged the cheese on the bread in the pan and took the other piece of bread from Jay. "Now turn the flame on medium low and flip it in a few minutes."

"Thank you buddy."

"After you eat can we play a game?"

"Sure. Why don't you bring me your homework so I can check it, while we wait on my sandwich."

Liam brought out his work and let Jay ensure that it was all done. Jay tried to figure out if most of it was right, but he was too tired and trusted that Liam had done it correctly. "Looks good."

"I got an A on my essay about moral education."

"Are you in high school?" Jay asked as he flipped his sandwich.

"No," Liam giggled, "fifth grade."

"So what morals did you write about?"

"How you are a police officer and it's important for you to have good morals. That you have to help teach those that don't know how to behave properly in society and if they can't then they go to jail. And how you are teaching me good morals too."

"Am I? Teaching you?"

"Yeah. Sometimes too good."

Jay laughed as he pulled his dinner out of the pan and slid it on a plate. "Go pick a game out while I eat."

Liam went to his closet and pulled out the game Sorry and returned as Jay sat down at the table with his half eaten dinner and a beer. He had grabbed a bag of chips to go along with his sandwich. Not his most nutritious dinner, but it would suffice. "Ah, your favorite." He said looking at the colorful box. "I want to talk to you for a minute before we start playing."

"I was good tonight. I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to. Mandy took my phone and she did her homework. She didn't even turn on the TV. We went for a walk, but just a couple of blocks. We didn't stop anywhere. She said it would be okay."

"The walk was fine and she said you were good. I'm proud of you. Ellie has said the same thing. I just want to ask you if you understand why I was so upset with you that day?"

Liam fiddled with the box that held the game, staring at it instead of his father. He finally shrugged his shoulders and sat down. "Cause I didn't have permission."

"Yes. That, and the danger involved, which I know you were aware of."

"I thought I was brave," Liam said showing Jay just what he feared, that Liam still thought his actions were acceptable.

"You were brave. But brave in the wrong circumstances."

"You're brave at the wrong time too."

"I am?"

"Yes. Like when you got shot, the first time and the second time. Like when you go undercover."

"But that's part of my job. You know that."

"When I grow up, it's going to be part of my job too."

"Are you going to be a police officer?"

"Maybe. Would you be proud of me?"

"I would be proud of you. But you know what?"

"What?"

"I would be proud of you if you chose to be a chef, or a construction worker or a Zamboni driver. As long as you do the best you can and try as hard as you can and strive to do the right thing—that isn't reckless, I will be proud of you.

"How did you feel when Sergeant's Voight showed you that picture of the dealer who had been shot?" Jay asked.

"Weird. I mean, I had just seen him a few days before and now he's dead. Do you think he was just standing there on the street when it happened?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think he shot at anyone?"

"I don't know. But do you understand why you can't get involved in things you don't understand?"

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"I do. But—"

"But what?"

Liam took a moment before answering. "But I want to help when I can. But—I understand that sometimes I can't. Maybe when I'm bigger." He offered when he noticed Jay's face contort.

"Yes. Definitely then." Jay responded, relieved. But he still had some apprehension that Liam was only telling him what he wanted to hear.

"Am I still grounded?"

"You bet you are. How did you know about that song, you played?"

"F the Police? I heard it somewhere."

"Somewhere? Where?"

"I don't remember." 

"Don't lie to me Liam."

"I'm not." Liam tried. But his face betrayed him and Jay could easily see right through him.

"Liam James," Jay warned.

"At the college." He finally admitted.

"What college? Depaul?"

"Yeah. Kendall forgot something once so we took an Uber there and got it."

"And they were playing that song?"

"There was a party going on. Lot's of people. I stayed right with her. She told one kid to turn it off, because my dad was a cop, but he didn't seem to hear her or care. We didn't stay long. She asked me not to tell you. Don't be mad at her. She just needed a book. We got it and left right away."

"I'm not mad. But I don't want to hear that song again or the attitude behind it. It's okay if you disagree with me sometimes, but you cannot react that way. Even if you don't like what I say or how I punish you, you have to accept it."

"Captain Casey says you are free to make your own choices, but you are not free from the consequences of those choices." Liam offered.

"Well Captain Casey is right." Jay said, thinking back to his conversations with Liam when he was very young. "I'm sorry that things didn't go well for us when we got home that day."

"It's okay." Liam replied. "I'm not mad. Consequences. Can we play now?" Liam pushed. He would have agreed or said just about anything to get to his time with his dad.

"Sure we can. Get it set up and I get to be the blue pieces this time." Jay said rubbing his weary eyes as Liam began to pull pieces from the box.


	26. Chip Off the Old Block

Chip Off the Old Block

Mandy couldn't believe it. There had only been a half day of school and she had taken Liam to the park for some fresh air, and there was Jay standing not twenty from them speaking with some man. Liam was still grounded, but it had been nearly a month and the kid needed to stretch his legs. He hadn't wanted to go, but she pushed him, saying she would take any heat if there was trouble. She had tried to text Jay to get his permission, but he hadn't answered her so she had decided to just go for it. But she certainly didn't expect to see her boss at the same park. She saw Liam and Jay make eye contact. Something about Jay was off, she figured it was a mixture of anger and disappointment at seeing Liam out and about and she figured she had better go talk to him and explain that she had made the kid go outside.

She got up from the bench where they had been sitting and began to walk towards Jay only to be intercepted by Liam, a wild look in his eyes. He kept mouthing something as he faced her, his feet taking him backwards as he stayed just in front of her, but she couldn't understand what he was trying to say as her lip reading skills were quite lacking.

"Leave it. Walk away," Liam shouted as they were nearly upon Jay surprising Mandy at its suddenness and volume. "So you went out a couple of times and then he ghosted you, not cool, not cool at all," he said turning to look at Jay. "You sir, have zero class, but my sister is a class act and you clearly have none. I told her not to come over or even acknowledge you, but I think she's pissed and now I have to protect you."

Mandy was confused, but when Jay didn't question what Liam was saying she figured she had better just stay quiet. Then it hit her what Liam had been mouthing to her, "he's undercover."

"You gonna protect me little man?" Jay asked with attitude, grateful his son had realized what was going on and jumped in. Now it was his turn to play along.

"I shouldn't." Liam spat back.

"Wow, Mike, you like 'em young don't you?" The man that Jay was speaking with chimed in. "But not bad taste."

"What can I say, I like what I like," Jay replied. "Why don't you two head back home. Actually, shouldn't you be in school kid?"

"Whatever," Liam said and grabbed Mandy by the hand and pulled her back towards the edge of the park where the bus stop was.

Once they were far enough way, she finally exhaled. "Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit." She turned and grabbed Liam by the collar of his coat and spoke right into his face. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. He was undercover wasn't he?"

"Yeah. When we saw each other he shook his head just a little bit. Plus there would be no other reason he would be in the park in the middle of the day unless he was working an angle."

"So that guy he was talking to wasn't someone he worked with? A cop?"

"Nobody I recognized. I mean they both might stay in character because it's safer that way, but I imagine that guy was a bad guy."

"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit." She repeated. "You—you were freaking amazing. Like you go undercover all the time. How did you even come up with what to say?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know, I just did." He replied, realizing how easy it had been for him to come up with a story to get the drugs and to intervene and prevent a near disaster today. He was a chip off the old block and that understanding made him smile.

"I was just going to tell him that I was the one who made you come outside and to the park. I was afraid he was going to be mad. I just wanted him to know what was going on. I had no idea—I didn't even think."

"He might still be mad. But we won't find out for a while." Liam said as a bus headed their way. "This one's ours," he said after reading the digital number on the front.

Much of the ride back was quiet, but Liam could still tell that Mandy was in her own world, still stuck in the recent action. "I can't believe he does that all the time. How exhilarating, how terrifying." She could still hear him saying he liked what he liked. Oh if only, she thought to herself.

Liam felt Mandy next to him, her energy still twirling around her like one of those plastic pinwheels that would spin wildly in the wind. He stared out of the window, surprised to see so many people out in the middle of the day. He somehow thought that while he was in school that the streets would be empty, life at a standstill. But he guessed that the world never stopped, it moved to its own whims, desires and patterns. He could still see his dad and the fear in his eyes as he recognized Liam. At first the boy thought it was anger at being out of the apartment, but then he quickly realized it was more than that. He wasn't sure what to do, his initial plan was to sit still and see if his father would come over to him, but suddenly Mandy was in motion and he knew that she didn't understand. He recalled Mandy's crush on Jay and that was his inspiration for the brief conversation that had ensued.

Once back at the apartment Liam shed his coat and shuffled off to his room. "Do you think he'll ever let me watch you again?" She yelled out.

Liam walked back into the living room. "Probably. He likes you. You're dependable."

"Did he look mad? That we were in the park?" She finished.

"He looked fine, he had to stay in character."

"Oh God, he's never going to let me watch you ever again. I almost blew it for him."

"But you didn't. You didn't question it, when I started talking. You did good."

"He'll be so proud of you. You were amazing. Absolutely amazing. You are so much like him. Smart, quick thinking, cool under pressure. I can see why you scored those drugs with no question. Wow. My heart is still hammering in my chest. Has he texted you?"

Liam shrugged. "He doesn't take his own phone undercover."

"Makes sense. I'm shaking. Are you shaking?"

"No," Liam said going the refrigerator and grabbing a beer. "Here drink this," he said extending it to Mandy.

"No. I can't."

"You're twenty-one."

"And I'm watching you and I already pushed it with taking you outside. I feel like a just fell into a rabbit hole."

"A what?" Liam asked as he put the beer back in the fridge.

"Rabbit hole. Haven't you ever heard that expression?"

Liam shrugged. "Maybe."

"It comes from this book," she said pulling it from her backpack which was on the floor by her feet. It was a paperback with a golden haired girl on the front cover sitting next to a white rabbit. "This was my favorite book when I was a kid. Kind of how you like Charlotte's Web."

"Is she friends with the rabbit?" Liam asked.

"She chases the rabbit and falls down the hole and meets all kinds of strange creatures."

"Like scary creatures?"

"No, well some are a bit scary and others are just weird and then there's the red queen that wants to chop everyone's head off."

"Cool," Liam said looking at the book. "What kind of creatures?"

"A cat that is sometimes invisible but you can still see his smile and a caterpillar that smokes and a mad hatter."

"What's a mad hatter?"

"You're a good reader and clearly have the ability to enjoy decent literature. Here, take this book and read it. I think you can do it. Then when you hear about someone falling down a rabbit hole you'll know exactly what they're talking about." She said as she handed the book to Liam.

"And I can read about the caterpillar and the invisible cat."

"Yes you can. Take it, it's all yours."

"To keep?" Liam asked.

"Sure. It's just a paperback. I can always get another one if I want to. But you have to promise me you'll read it. It really is quite an adventure."

Liam nodded, his head already in the depths of the first page. "The rabbit has a watch," Liam called out, clearly immersed.

Mandy was a bundle of nerves as Liam continued to read silently. "Has he texted you yet?" She asked.

"I don't know, you have my phone remember? I'm not allowed to have it."

"Oh, that's right. I have it right here on the table," she said picking it up and checking it. "Nothing."

"He knows I can't have my phone. He'd text you first." Liam pointed out.

"Yeah, true. Where's my phone?" She asked as she shoved her books and papers aside."

"On the other side of your laptop," Liam said as he glanced her way. "Just relax. It will be okay."

"I just don't want him mad at me."

"He won't be."

"You sure?"

"No. Not really." Liam said turning a page.

After another hour of hand wringing and mental anguish, Jay came through the door. "Are you two okay?" He asked. "I tried to get here sooner but didn't have a chance. I would have texted but my phone was dead."

"We're fine," Liam said without looking up from his book.

"I'm sorry Jay. It's just that Liam got out of school early and we had all day, and he's been grounded for a month and I just figured since the weather wasn't too bad that we could just take a bus ride to the park and stay for a bit for some fresh air and then ride back. I was the one that suggested it, pushed it. Liam said we shouldn't go because he was still grounded and then we saw you and I thought we were going to be in trouble and I was going to tell you that it was me and what was happening, but Liam jumped in front of me and was trying to tell me and then he just took charge and saved me from outing you and he really was amazing and I almost ruined your cover. I just couldn't believe that you were there and undercover, it was scary, but cool. Scary cool." Mandy rambled while Jay tried to keep up.

"It's fine. But are you okay?" He asked again.

"She's been a little amped up," Liam said.

"I can tell. But you're both okay, I'm okay. In fact that little display actually got me in deeper with this guy, the pervert that he is."

"Mandy's over eighteen," Liam said.

"Excuse me?" Jay said, his eyes wide.

"Just saying she's not a teenager. Hey, I'm hungry. We missed lunch."

"Well, let's see what we got." Jay said as he began to rummage in the refrigerator and freezer. "Mandy, how about you stay for some dinner then I'll drive you home."

"Yeah, I think she needs to be debriefed." Liam suggested.

"I don't want to impose," Mandy said finding her voice again.

"No imposition. Let's see, we have chickenless nuggets and tur'ky stew with noodles. Do you eat meat, because I do and none of this is looking like it's going to satisfy me."

"She's a vegetarian, but let's go out to eat," Liam said tossing the book aside and rushing into the kitchen causing Jay to back up and step on one of Liam's toys. "Hey, your stepping on my G.I. Joe." Liam yelled.

"Well maybe Mr. Joe shouldn't be taking a nap on the kitchen floor."

"He's Sergeant Joe," Liam corrected.

"I see, well go put Sergeant Joe away," Jay said pulling his foot up and off of the large action figure," and wash your hands." As Liam disappeared he turned to Mandy. "Does anybody eat meat anymore?"

Mandy shrugged. "Less and less. Wave of the future I guess."

"Well, I know a few places that will work since I'm raising a little veggie-head. His mother was a vegetarian," Jay said almost wistfully. "Please join us, my treat."

Mandy's heart was almost pounding as fast and hard as it was after the incident in the park. "Sure," she managed to reply.

"Great. I'll drop you back at the dorms afterwards."

Jay picked a nearby Italian restaurant that had offerings of pasta for the vegetable crowd while still giving him the options that he was looking for. They found a round table and sat down, Mandy feeling a jolt when Jay sat down right next to her.

"Order whatever you like," he instructed.

"I want ice cream and soda," Liam announced.

"Sure dude," Jay said looking at the menu.

"For real?" Liam asked excitedly.

"No," Jay replied shaking his head.

"Can I have soda?"

"No. But you can have flavored ice tea."

After ordering, spaghetti for Liam, cheese ravioli for Mandy and a chicken dish for Jay they quietly sipped their drinks. Liam was up on his knees in his seat while he unwrapped his straw at one end and blew into it, sending the paper wrapper floating towards his father, just like Adam had recently taught him. Jay grabbed it and wadded it up and set it next to his plate.

"So, how are you? Really?" Jay asked as he turned towards Mandy.

"Okay. I think. My heart still isn't quite back to normal." But she left out the part that some of it was due to her massive crush on Jay who was just inches away and appeared to be clueless about his involvement in her emotional state.

"I just hope you aren't mad at me for taking Liam to the park. I did try and text you but I shouldn't have done it without your permission."

"I'm not mad. I know he's been grounded for nearly a month and is getting antsy, which is part of the point. But a quick trip to the park was fine."

"Yeah, she told me no playground. Just hang out for a half hour or so, people watch and then back home. But we didn't think that you would be one of the people we would be watching," Liam said sticking his straw into his drink and stirring it.

"I must admit I was pretty shocked when I saw you sitting there. I had to look twice. Did you see me shake my head at you?"

"Yeah, just a tiny bit though, a tiny shake. But I got what you were saying. I was hoping that Mandy hadn't seen you but then she did." Liam said as he then sucked up some tea into his straw and then put his finger over the top to plug it and let it drain back into his glass causing Jay to glare at him and once again slightly shake his head.

"I told Liam I had planned to walk over and explain why we were there and that I was the one who had pushed the trip. I didn't want Liam to get into trouble. Then suddenly, he jumped in front of me and his eyes were really wide and he kept whispering something to me but I couldn't understand it, then he started talking to you and I was so confused, but something told me to keep my mouth shut."

"You did great," Jay assured. "Keeping your mouth shut was perfect. Often in strange situations people talk too much. You just staying quiet and going along was the best thing you could have done."

Liam continued play with his straw causing Jay to reach over and take it away.

"Liam was the one who did great. I can't believe he thought up that whole story so fast and then was brave enough to say it." Mandy continued. "You were so smooth in catching on to the disruption. But I guess you do that a lot. But, Liam, he just knew what to do," she continued as Liam picked up his napkin and draped it over his head. "He's just like you," she finished as she turned and noticed the boys new adornment. "Well, mostly."

Jay looked at his son and slid over a chair so that he was next to Liam and then pulled the boy over into his lap. As he pulled the napkin off his son's head he smiled at Mandy. "Hey kid, how about acting like the ten year old boy that I'm raising instead of wild two year old."

"I'm bored," Liam complained as he wiggled around.

Jay was almost tempted to give the kid his phone, but it only had a small charge left from when he had plugged it in during the ride home. Besides Liam was still grounded and it was clear that the no electronics ban was wearing the kid down. And he never wanted to be the parent to plug his kid into a device just to make life easier.

Mandy's words hung in the air around him, about how well Liam had done in a difficult and unexpected situation. How he had instantly reacted and knew what to do and say without hesitation. As great and needed as it was, Jay feared this would only feed Liam's ego as to going undercover or into difficult conditions. Despite Mandy telling him that Liam had acted calm and that it seemed to be no big deal to the boy, he could feel his son's nervous energy as he held him. He could see it, sense it, touch it. The crisis was over, Liam did great, he had been calm, cool, collected, but clearly not unaffected by the event.

Mandy looked across the table, at first upset with Liam for making Jay move to parent him but now seeing the two together, father and son, allowed her to relax and smile for the first time since the park. Jay was a good cop, a great man and an even better father. "Here Liam," she said pulling out a notebook and some colored pens from her backpack, "you can draw until our dinner comes."

Liam gladly took the distraction, but either Jay didn't let him go or Liam made no move to depart as the boy began to doodle from his current perch.

Mandy stared at Jay as he watched the drawings began to take shape; a bench, a playground, a bus, a badge. It was today, convoluted, but today. 'I like what I like'. The phrase, despite being part of the game, stuck in her head as she let it play it over and over on a loop. She pretended it was real.

_Soundtrack:_

_Thunderstruck by 3 cello's _

_Shatter me by Lindsey Sterling_


	27. Nightmares are Dreams of the Soul

**Much respect to all of those who have served...including my son who did two tours of duty in Afghanistan.**

**Nightmares Are Dreams of the Soul**

"I'm glad you decided to come back to see me," Dr. Charles said.

"Yeah," Jay said shifting in his seat, his eyes focusing on something the doctor was unable to see.

"Did something happen that made you call me?"

"Yes and no."

"Well, that's something that sounds like it's worth diving into."

"You remember that after Liam pulled his undercover stunt, I started having this dream." Jay began, inhaling deeply.

"The one you had mentioned where Liam is shot because you had forgotten to get him childcare?"

"Yeah. It always feels so real."

"Do you still wake up all sweaty and unsure if he's okay?"

"Sometimes. Every time," Jay admitted. "But I'm having another dream, and it's just as awful. It happened after there was an incident while I was undercover."

"Well then, let's talk about it. What happened while you were undercover?"

Jay filled him in about the afternoon in the park where he saw Liam and Mandy and a crisis was adverted only due to Liam's quick thinking.

"Wow, he did do well. Are you afraid that it might embolden him?"

"Maybe. He hasn't said or done anything out of the ordinary since then though. Not really."

"How long has it been?"

"Around a week." Jay said.

"Are you proud of his actions?"

Jay sat for a moment before he answered, a smile creeping up his lips. "Yeah. Actually I am. I mean, he was pretty freaking impressive. Most adults would have panicked, but he didn't even stutter. Acted like he did this all the time. It was as if it came naturally to him."

"But you're still scared he might take on something he shouldn't? And what do you mean by not really?"

"He's been successful twice. He's two for two, that's pretty good for a ten year old and I guess that does make me proud. But I feel like I can't even tell him because, like you said it might embolden him and cause him to take on something else he shouldn't.

"He's acted fine overall, just had some nervous energy, wanted my attention. I mean the parenting guides don't tell you much about this stuff."

"Do you read parenting guides?"

"No. But I highly doubt they would have a chapter covering this particular event."

"But this time he didn't initiate the contact. He saw what was unfolding and knew that he needed to intercede to protect you, protect your cover."

"Yeah, he protected me."

"Is that hard for you?"

Jay sat quietly. "I'm the one that's supposed to protect him."

"Does that mean he can't ever protect you?"

"I guess not."

"Has he protected you in other ways?"

"Sometimes, well, for years I thought he came into my room, my bed, because he was having nightmares."

"But he wasn't?"

"No. I was. I saw a lot of action in Afghanistan and much of it came home with me. I've had counseling and have done better, but the dreams will never be gone."

"And you have nightmares and Liam comes into comfort you?"

"Yes. I'll wake up and he'll be next to me. Sometimes, he'll wake me up. My dad told me—he told me not to enlist. He said it would haunt me."

"But you did enlist and saw some horrific things and they are haunting you."

"Yeah. And now my son. I mean I don't tell him about what happened, about my dreams. But he has to hear me, see me when I'd rather he didn't."

"And that's hard for you."

"Yes. Like I said, I'm supposed to protect him, not the other way around."

"You don't want to appear to be vulnerable. That's understandable. Did your father protect you when you needed it?"

Jay shrugged. "I guess maybe he tried when he told me not to enlist. I didn't think he wanted me to be a cop either, but I found some newspaper articles he had saved that showed he had some pride in what I did."

"I'm sure he was very proud of you, whether he told you or not. But he wasn't always there for you was he?"

"I felt like I couldn't go to him, tell him things, tell him much of anything."

"How come?"

"Because he would tell me it was my own fault. 'How could you not see that coming Jay?' He would say. It always made me feel that I was worthless if I didn't already know everything."

"That must have been hard."

"I dealt with it."

"Wounds can run deep. A parent can pass on a wound to their child, they might not be doing it purposely or even be aware of it, as most of these wounds don't have a face, but it happens and it happens a lot. I think your father passed on a wound that he had to you and you are doing your damndest not to pass it on to Liam."

"He's already lost so much. I just want us to be good. My relationship with my father was never great, my mother died when years ago, my brother and I do okay, but we're both busy in our own lives and my luck with love has never been great."

"But Liam is yours and always there with that unconditional love."

"Yeah. The last thing I want to do is hurt him or allow him to be hurt."

"And you think him taking care of you sometimes allows him to be hurt?"

"I don't think it's his responsibility to take care of me."

"Why not?"

"He's a child."

"He's your child. He loves you. He wants to help you."

"But he shouldn't have to worry about taking care of me."

"He isn't taking care of you, but he wants to help you when he can. A relationship of give and take is better than one of simply taking. Yes, you are the adult and it's important that you bear the brunt of things, but just because he's young doesn't mean he can't contribute. The smaller the family, the more you need each other.

"You extend your hand—no bullshit attached, because you are his father, why can't he do the same when the situation calls for it?"

"Because I worry that I'm failing him."

"You were in Afghanistan. You lost men. Men you believed you failed to protect. Now you are projecting those misconceived notions of failure here at home. Is that what your dream is about? Failing your son?"

"Yes. Since the second undercover issue, the dreams have been relentless. Plus something else happened."

"What? What else happened?"

"He was waiting for me at the district. I was running behind as usual. He was in the hallway when they brought an offender in. He looked at Liam as he passed by him, he looked right at my son, licked his lips and said, 'what a pretty little boy.' The look on that man's face, it was as if Liam was dessert."

"What did you do?"

"Snapped. Lunged at the guy, shoved him, told him to keep moving. Told him he was a sick bastard."

"What did Liam think about it all?"

"I don't think he understood. He later said he was a boy so he wasn't supposed to be pretty. I was glad he didn't get it, grasp what the man was wanting, seeing, when he looked at him. But it scared me. Terrified me."

"Why is that?"

"Because, I know what happens to pretty children. The sex trafficking is an abundant business, not to mention the run of the mill pedophiles. It's such an ugly world."

"And you want to protect Liam, so the exchange brought on more dreams?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me about them."

"Well, it made me remember something when he was a preschooler. The brother of girl I had dated in high school had been kidnapped, abused and murdered by a pedophile, a guy named Lonnie Rodiger. I found Ben's body, I was a patrolman back then. Everyone knew who had done it, but his father alibied him. I had kept in touch with Ben and Allie's parents. And after Liam was born—he was still living with his mother—I found that the case hit me even harder as the anniversary of Ben's death came up, his birthday. I followed Lonnie, harassed him and his father. It nearly cost my career, but it was like I couldn't stop, couldn't let it go. It was like if I did, somehow Liam would pay for me being lax. That one day he would become a victim."

"Wow. That's a pretty heavy responsibility. Whatever happened to Lonnie?"

"He was murdered. His father actually did it. He had repressed every thought that his son could be guilty, but then the evidence was too strong to ignore and he took care of it himself."

"Evidence that perhaps you pointed out?"

"I made him aware, over and over I made him aware."

"Your son was the driving force behind your attempts to take this Lonnie down?"

"If it could happen to a family I knew, then it could happen to my son. And how could I ever explain to him, or live with myself if I just took the easy way out and let someone else handle it."

"Your life has been a difficult twist of the past and the present. Liam intertwining with so much of it. Tell me about the latest dream."

"I still have the one where he is shot in the head. Then there is one where he tells me he is going to run away, but I don't believe him and then he is just gone. I look everywhere, but nobody knows where he went. I look all over the city, but I can't find him. When I try to call him the call won't go through. But there's another one and it's the worst one yet."

"Tell me."

Jay licked his lips and spoke of the dream that had been frequently interrupting his sleep. It seemed so real, so very, very real. He had gone over it and over it in his waking hours, at his desk, driving, eating, trying to sleep. He could feel the cold, feel the scream blossoming in his throat. There were times when he thought he was losing his mind. But perhaps that would be better than losing his son.

He closed his eyes and the dream came to him now as easily as it did when he slept. The air was chilly, puffs of breath hung in the air unsure exactly what to do or where to go. The entire team was huddled in the street, Kevin and Adam doing their best to hold Jay back. Liam had been gone for over two days. He had been down the street at a friends house but never returned home. Jay had been distracted and hadn't realized that the boy was late, but when he checked with the home of the friend, they said he had left an hour before. Jay attempted to track the phone, but it was off. He went up and down the street and called the team in. As the hours turned to days, Jay aged from minutes to years.

Now they had gotten a call about the body of a tender age child in the street of an industrial South Side neighborhood. The description matched Liam or as much of it as they could get. The body had endured quite a bit of trauma. Now as Voight, Burgess and Upton didn't want to believe it, there was no denying the child was Liam. His battered and bruised body lay in the gutter, discarded like trash.

Jay had wanted to see, but the two men were trying to spare him the agony. "He's my son, my son. I need him—I need to see him," Jay had screamed.

"And you will. But not right now Jay. Not like this man." Kevin said.

"How do you know for sure!? I know him the best. Maybe it's not him," Jay yelled trying to push forward pretending to still have hope, but knowing it was fleeting as he saw the faces of his coworkers—knowing the crumpled body was his own flesh and blood, his only child.

"What an awful dream. What happens after that?" Dr. Charles asked.

"I break free and go see the body."

"Is it Liam?"

"Yes," Jay said trying to keep his emotions under control. "I pick him up and start walking with him in my arms."

"Where do you go?"

"I don't know, that's when I wake up."

"So you weren't able to protect him in your dream?"

"No."

"You're a cop. It's your job to protect him, to protect an entire city. Like you did with Lonnie Rodiger. But you might not be successful every time and if you can't protect him how can you do your job effectively? You base who you are on what you do, if you aren't successful, then what does that say about you? If you aren't successful then your father might have been right about you, that maybe you shouldn't have joined the Rangers, the CPD, become a father yourself."

Jay looked up at the doctor. "But I am good at what I do."

"Yes you are. And you know what else you're good at?" Jay just continued to look at him. "You are a good father. Not perfect, because that doesn't exist, but you are doing an amazing job. But you're worried because the world is a rough and cruel place and you can't control it or control Liam, not fully. But because things happen, and some are tragic, doesn't mean that you are a failure. You can't hold the world up on your shoulders. Do you spend too much time at work? Probably. Will that screw up Liam for life? Probably not. Will he get frustrated by it at times? Probably. Will he get over it? More than likely. Will he love you despite your flaws? Most definitely. Just as you love him.

"Do you wake up shaken with this latest dream?"

"Yes. I can feel his weight in my arms as if I'm carrying him."

"What do you do?"

"I go check on him. Then I try to go back to sleep."

"Can you—go back to sleep?"

"Yes, but sometimes it takes a while."

"It is said that a man who has nightmares every night is in pain. I think you are in pain."

"No more than I have ever been." Jay said.

"You brought a lot back with you from Afghanistan, you've told me this before. Did this dream stem from any of that trauma?" Jay inhaled deeply and looked at the far wall. "We've already seen your mind twist different experiences together, and perhaps if we can unwind some of them, that could help separate memories and release some of the pain."

"Actually, yeah." Jay said, exhaling the breath he hadn't been aware he had been holding. "Kids man, war is hard enough anyway, but the kids—they're the innocent ones and they pay for our sins."

"That they do. Sins of the father or fathers."

"That and more."

"Tell me what happened."

"We had been on patrol, it was routine." Jay began. "Typical day, going through the motions. I had been outside of the Humvee, walking beside it, when a colorful piece of cloth caught my eye. We had been sweeping for IED's so I grabbed the guy who had the detector and pointed him in that direction."

"And what did you find?"

"The cloth was a sweater and it was being worn by a child—a little boy. He couldn't have been more than five or six."

"Where was he?"

"On the side of the road, underneath some garbage."

"Was he—"

"Dead? Yes. He had been beaten to hell. There wasn't an inch of him that wasn't bloody or bruised. We all stood there staring, motionless. But then the guys started to walk again, but I couldn't, I couldn't move. I told them that we couldn't leave him there."

"But they disagreed?"

"They said he could be booby trapped." 

"Was that common?"

"They would put IED's anywhere we would be vulnerable. His body could have been placed on top of an explosive device, so when he was picked up it would have gone off. I had my guy check the area but didn't pick up any metal, but still—well you just never knew. I pulled the kid's sweater up, to check his belly."

"What for?"

"They would put explosive devices inside people so when you tried to help they would go off. Often times they were alive when it was placed inside."

"Jesus Christ," Dr. Charles whispered.

"He was bruised, but no incision."

"So what did you do?"

"I picked him up and I carried him in my arms for two miles. Nobody had fought for this kid, somebody had treated him like a punching bag like he was meaningless. He had just been abandoned there, left like trash. I had just found out earlier that morning that I had become a father. I just couldn't leave that boy there, he deserved better."

"Just like Liam deserves better? Are you worried about Liam abandoning you?"

"I feel like I've abandoned him."

"By working so much?"

"Yes. The picture he drew, he feels like he's second in my life." He said thinking of that drawing Liam made when he was at the district with Voight.

"Is he?"

"Not really. I think about him all the time. Worry that he's okay. But I have to work. I need the overtime. But he's getting older and he won't care as much if I'm stuck at work."

"And that hurts doesn't it?"

"When I would pick him up when he still lived with his mother, he would run to me full speed. His face was all lit up." 

"But it doesn't quite light up like that anymore does it?"

"No. But I'm a full time father now and he's older."

"But it still stings."

"Yeah. I feel like I can do better."

"Then try and do better. Look, it sounds impossible, but often it is the little things. You have to prioritize what little time you have left over each day and week. But you have to make yourself a priority as well. Make time for yourself. You can go out, have a date, stay in, do whatever it is that you need to do. But once in a while, make Liam the priority. Surprise him by picking him up early from school or be spontaneous on a weekend. You'd be surprised by how one

special afternoon can make a big difference, even if you just go out to lunch and walk along the river or the lake. It's those days, those moments that will keep him close, keep him talking to you, keep him trusting that he can go to you when things are rough and when things are great."

"I'll try."

"Jay, you're doing a great job. Parenting, like life is full of ups and downs. Enjoy the ups, deal with the downs and hang on for the ride."

_Soundtrack:_

_Can't Get It Right by Matthew Perryman Jones _

_This is War by Matthew Raetzel_


	28. Saturday Night

_Just a warning for slight, yes very slight, sexual situations. I never write romance etc., but this just seemed to be the way the chapter went._

Saturday Night

Jay was heading home on a late Saturday afternoon, having worked the better part of the day. He was tired, but not quite ready to settle down at home. Liam was no longer grounded and they had talked about the second undercover episode at great length. He didn't seem to have any aftereffects from his most recent experience, but Jay felt the kid was a bit more subdued than usual. Perhaps it was being grounded, perhaps it was the entire punishment or perhaps it was nothing.

As he sat at a traffic light he received a text from Shannon, the chef he had been seeing off and on. He had met her through Kara, another chef he had briefly dated. He wasn't sure if it meant anything that he had taken a liking to women who prepared food. But Shannon, had the night off and was meeting some friends at a club near the South Loop and wanted him to come and join the festivities. He sighed as he thought about the offer in his head. A night out would be fun. He needed a release, he hadn't been out for over a month. But he should really spend some time with Liam. But he also could hear Dr. Charles telling him that it was important to take care of himself as well. But could he get a sitter? It was Saturday night and Ellie had watched Liam all day. Kendall would probably have plans, but maybe Mandy would be available. She had been so fearful that he wouldn't let her watch Liam again after the incident in the park that perhaps this would be a good chance to let her know his faith in her hadn't wavered.

"Hey kiddo," Jay said as he shed his shirt and Liam wandered into his bedroom after Ellie had gone home.

"How was work?"

"Productive. Would you be upset if I went out tonight?"

"Would it matter?"

Jay wasn't sure how to answer this. If he said yes, of course it matters, then how would he handle it if Liam said he didn't want him to go out. If he said no, then he sounded callous.

After taking a moment he responded. "You know that you matter, but sometimes I need some time with adults."

"You were just with adults." Liam countered.

"Yes, but that was working. It's like seeing your friends at school is different than seeing them at a birthday party."

"You need a birthday party?" Liam asked.

"I do," Jay said as he sat down on the bed. "Mandy can watch you. I'll leave money for pizza." He said after calling her from the truck and making the arrangements on the way home.

"Okay," Liam sighed as he flopped down on the bed next to Jay with a flourish and a sigh.

"You doing alright?"

"Yeah. That guy in the park that day—did he ever get arrested?"

"The guy I was talking to? Yes he did. We're trying to get him to give us some names of the people that he works for."

"Was it drugs?"

"It was."

"It's always drugs."

"It often is."

"Did you stop the drugs that I brought in? The ones with the bad stuff in it?"

"It's all bad stuff. And, yes we did."

"Good."

"I don't want you ever to try drugs. You can see how bad they are and all the problems they cause."

"Okay." Liam promised as he sighed again. He had heard the drug speech before and he was sure he would hear it again—and again.

"Do you really understand why I was so upset with you that day?" Jay said referring back to Liam's undercover drug buy.

"Because I was reckless. Because I was disrespectful."

"I'm sorry that it turned out the way it did."

"You were mad."

"I was. I didn't mean to—" but Jay wasn't sure what he wanted to say. He didn't mean to be so harsh? He had to let Liam know what he had done, both in the streets and at home, playing the inappropriate song was not okay. But he had second guessed himself at every turn, but didn't want Liam to know that. He never wanted to be a harsh or strict disciplinarian, but he also couldn't have his son running amok. He hadn't felt good about the morning when Liam had been so defiant on his first day back on full duty and couldn't imagine revisiting that discipline anytime soon, but he had, and much sooner than he had ever anticipated. He had been on autopilot almost robotic. And he wasn't sure how to feel about that. Or how Liam felt about it.

"Dad," Liam said as the boy sat up and looked at Jay, who was lost in his thoughts. "Do you have a date?"

"Sort of."

"How do you sort of have a date?"

"I'm meeting a friend."

"A friend who is a woman?"

"Yes."

"A date."

"Okay. A date. I'm going to take a shower. Keep an ear out for Mandy okay?"

"Yep."

"Liam?"

"Yeah."

"I love you. You know that right?"

"Yeah. I know. Dad, it's okay. What happened, when I got in trouble, it's okay that you spanked me. I hated being grounded a lot more than that. I know you worry about it though. But I'm tough." Liam said, somehow sensing what Jay had been thinking about.

"Yes you are." Jay said smiling.

"I don't hate you. I was mad, but I'm not anymore. You were mad, but you aren't anymore. And I won't play that song again. I screwed up, you punished me. It's not the first time it happened anyway."

"No, but the other time I reacted because I was scared." Jay said as he laid down on the bed, his head near where Liam was sitting.

"Cause you couldn't find me at the zoo."

"Yeah. This time I was mad and I didn't like reacting that way because I was mad."

"You were mad because you were scared—because of what I did."

"I was scared because of what you did on the street. I was mad because you refused to understand and then you totally disrespected me and police officers everywhere when you played that song and you knew it would bother me. Which is exactly why you did it.

"Look Liam," Jay said as Liam laid down on his stomach next to Jay and propped his head up on his hands, elbows denting the mattress, "if you disrespect and defy me, we'll always have a problem and I think you know that. I don't expect you to be perfect. I expect mistakes, and we'll deal with them and learn from them, but what you did was totally in my face and you knew I'd react."

"Yeah. I just wasn't sure how. I was mad, frustrated. I thought I was going to be rewarded not punished so I just pushed back. You took my phone and speaker and I thought that was the end of it, but then you came back to my room," Liam said thinking back to his talk with Kyle when they were under the L and how Matt had reacted to his son calling him an asshole. Kyle knew Matt would react and did it simply to get a reaction, to test his father, to break an underlying tension that had been brewing. Liam, even at his young age, knew he was doing the very same thing. How strong would the reaction be was somehow tied to how deep the anger was and was tied to how powerful the love was. The male of the species just worked on a different level. "I get it, we're good."

"I'm glad that we are. We'll spend the day together tomorrow." Jay promised.

"Sure," Liam said as Jay pulled some clothes from his closet, laid them on his bed and then stripped off most of his clothes tossing them into his hamper before heading towards the shower, while Liam headed to the living room to wait for Mandy.

A few minutes later he buzzed Mandy in and then opened the door and saw her standing there with a bag. "I brought some games," she said holding the bag up.

"I'm not grounded anymore."

"We can still play. You don't have these."

"What are they?"

"Operation, you pretend to be a surgeon and pull out pieces from the body, kind of like your uncle does. And Perfection, where you have to put pieces in before the board explodes."

"That sounds cool," Liam said peering into the bag.

"Hey Liam," Jay called out from a crack in the bathroom door. "Come here please."

Liam turned and walked to the bathroom where he found Jay on the other side of the door with the towel wrapped around his waist. "What?"

"Is Mandy here?"

"Yeah, in the living room."

"Can you get my clothes? The ones on the bed?"

"You have a towel on," Liam pointed out.

Jay cocked his head and opened his eyes wide. "Not appropriate with Mandy here. Bring me my clothes please."

"Believe me Mandy won't mind," Liam teased.

"Liam. Now." Jay stated.

Liam looked up at his father's bare chest, easily seeing the bullet wound that was still fresh and ugly. "It' looks like it still hurts." He said, his eyes immediately clouding up.

"It doesn't. It will look better in a few weeks. It's fine. Please go get my clothes."

"Fine," Liam mumbled, but before he left he looked at the scar on his hand and then put it up against Jay's scarred shoulder and held it there for a few seconds, both quiet in the moment until Liam dropped his hand and went into his father's bedroom and grabbed the pants and fresh underwear from the bed and dragged them to the bathroom. "Here." He said thrusting them in his dad's general direction.

"Where's my shirt?"

"Too much to carry. It'll be fine," Liam assured before he disappeared back into the living room, leaving Jay to wonder if the absent shirt was an intentional oversight.

Liam was checking out the games that Mandy had brought when he heard the bathroom door open and Mandy's head snap up and stay up. Liam smiled as he pulled the top of the box from Operation picturing his shirtless father scurrying to the bedroom.

Mandy watched Jay rush from the bathroom to the bedroom, his lean, but muscular frame shining in its pale glory. She still recalled the day when she saw Liam outside of the school, dazed, uncertain and on the brink of collapse as he told her that his dad had been shot. Then came the waiting, the wondering what would happen. She was terrified, terrified for Jay, terrified for Liam and what his father's death would do to him. They were closer than they could even admit to. One without the other, well she couldn't fathom the thought and she doubted Liam could either. But what terrified her the most, was that the world would lose a truly good man.

"Okay, I have my phone, other numbers are where they always are. Liam can stay up until ten. I'm not sure when I'll be home."

"It's okay. I don't have anywhere I have to be."

"You can fall asleep on my bed if you get tired. Liam isn't grounded anymore, but I don't want him glued to the TV or the tablet all night either."

"Don't worry, she brought an exploding game." Liam piped up.

"Great," Jay said looking a little concerned.

"It's just a plastic shape game," Mandy assured.

"Okay. Call me if you need anything," he said to Mandy, "and you," he said looking at his son, "behave. I don't a bad report."

"I'll be good," Liam sighed.

"Good," Jay said leaning over and kissing his son on the top of his head.

Jay checked his phone and left. After the door closed Liam ran to the window that looked out onto the street and watched his father climb into a car. "He won't be home anytime soon. He's taking an Uber."

"He needs some time to unwind."

"He's supposed to spend time with me tomorrow, but now he'll have a big hangover. Or we won't even be home when I wake up, because I'm not important enough."

"He'll be fine. He's being responsible and parking probably sucks where ever he is going. The bane of city existence." Liam looked back at her, confusion on his face. "It means there's no place to park. But don't worry he'll be home, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow morning, maybe tomorrow afternoon, but he will be back. And, of course you are important, very important. You know that."

But Liam just sighed and looked miserable.

Jay texted Shannon as he neared the club and she told him where she and her friends were sitting.

He entered the club where a bouncing bass met him, causing his teeth to practically tingle. He checked his phone to see if there was anything he needed to answer to before slipping it back into his pocket and looking for Shannon.

"So is this guy hot or what?" Ginny yelled into her friends ear.

"Quite sizzling," Shannon answered.

"So are you two an item or what?" Scott, Ginny's kind-of date asked.

"Are you two?" Shannon retorted. Scott and Ginny were off again, on again, if you could even call it that. Shannon was sure that Scott would fall out of the closet any day now, but so far he had remained behind its door.

Dana was sucking on the cherry that had come in her drink and just listened to the banter around her. She had no date, and was just here for the fun. Besides Ginny often shared Scott, so she wasn't really alone.

"What does he do for a living?" Ginny asked.

"He's a cop," Shannon replied over the thump, thumps of the music as she saw Jay and started to wave at him.

"Is that him?" Scott asked. "Damn, I'd love to see that in uniform."

Shannon shook her head and looked over at Ginny who just rolled her eyes as she leaned in. "You better watch it, I think we're all going to try to get some time with your man."

After a dinner of pizza, streaming a movie and playing several rounds of Operation and Perfection, Liam sat on the couch looking defeated.

"What's a matter kiddo?" Mandy asked.

"Nothing," Liam replied.

"Something. Did you ever read Alice in Wonderland?"

"Yes. All of it. It's in my room if you want it back." Liam offered.

"You keep it. You might want to read it again someday."

"Okay."

"There's a second book. It's called Through the Looking Glass. I'll bring it to you."

"You don't have to."

"I know. But kids don't read anymore and I'm going to cherish the fact that you do."

"Okay," Liam repeated, looking forlorn.

"So what's wrong?"

"The games."

"You didn't like them?"

"They're like my life. Operation, is like trying to get through the day without setting off some kind of buzzer, trying not to touch stuff I'm not supposed to. And Perfection is like trying to hurry and get everything done before life explodes. I think that one is more for my dad though."

"Feeling left out tonight?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I get it, he needs to go have fun. But he's gone so much that when it isn't work, it doesn't seem fair that he's not here."

"I get it. I think a lot of kids feel that way. Parents work a lot and miss out more than ever. But then I see some parents that are helicopter parents and that's no fun either."

"What's that?" 

"A parent that doesn't give their kid any space. Tells them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. Doesn't let them make any decisions or mistakes on their own. Your dad lets you find your way, lets you breathe."

"Big breaths." Liam sighed. "Can I show you something?"

"Sure," she said.

"Promise you won't tell my dad?"

"I can't really promise until I know what it is."

"It's not a big deal, but I just don't want him to know."

"Okay. What is it?" Mandy asked as she followed Liam into his room and watched as he dove underneath his bed and pulled out a plastic grocery bag that contained something that rattled.

Liam untied the bag and took out several ceramic pieces of a hand painted plate. "I broke it," Liam admitted.

"On accident?"

"No. On purpose. My mom came back."

"What? When?"

"I don't know, a while ago. I only saw her for a few minutes. Then she left again."

"Why did she leave again?"

"I don't know. She said she had to. But she was crying. I cried too." Liam said not wanting to get into the details of his family history.

"I bet you did. Do you have a picture of your mother?"

"She hated having her picture taken."

"What does she look like?" Mandy asked, trying to find out what had caught Jay's eye. "I like what I like." Floated through her brain again, for the thousandth time.

"I don't know. Like my mom."

"What color is her hair?" Mandy coaxed.

"Like the parts of mine that aren't blond."

"So strawberry blond?"

"Yeah. It's kind a thick and goes to here," he said pointing just under his shoulders.

"How tall is she?"

"Shorter than my dad. This tall," he said throwing his hand up in some random distinction of height that told Mandy nothing.

"What color are her eyes?"

"Like mine. I have her eyes."

"She sounds so pretty." Mandy commented in a defeated tone. Of course she would be pretty, very pretty.

"She is."

"I always liked your eyes. They sparkle."

"No they don't."

"Yes they do. When you're happy, somehow they sparkle. So, seeing your mother made you break the plate?"

"I was mad. Mad that she left again. I threw it on the floor and watched it smash into pieces."

"Was your dad home?"

"No. He was at work. Of course." Liam added.

"Who was watching you?"

"Ellie. But she had to run to her apartment for something."

"So your dad hasn't noticed it's gone?"

"No. Back at our last apartment it was on the wall, but we never put it up here. It's just been in the back of the cabinet."

"It's pretty," Mandy said as she picked up a shard.

"Kindergarten craft night," Liam said. "It was for Kindergartners and their parents. Dad was late. My mom and I painted stripes on the outer ring," he said picking up a piece that held strips of red, purple, yellow, orange, some brushed with a little more control than others. "Then when my dad still hadn't shown up I asked her to paint on the center part of the plate. She had been saving that part for my dad."

"So she made a heart," Mandy said, putting the pieces together on Liam's bed.

"Yeah. A red heart. Then my dad came. So she told him to fill in around the heart. I picked blue. He tried to be careful but he smudged the heart. Kind of like our family—smudged."

"Imperfect. Most of us and our families are imperfect. But your dad did come and this is something that links all three of you together. So why did you break it?"

"Because it linked all three of us together," Liam stated, frustration slipping into his voice. "We were never together but we could have been, but then she left. She came back because she could just so she could leave again. And it made me so mad."

"And you smashed the plate."

"Yes. She destroyed our family so I destroyed the plate."

"Do you think your dad will be mad? Is that why you haven't showed him?"

"I don't know. Maybe he will be mad, maybe not. Maybe he'll make me go talk to the therapist again."

"I'm sure your mom had a good reason to leave."

"She did," Liam admitted. "At least that's what I heard."

"You don't think it's true?"

"It is. But it still hurts."

"I'm sure it does. I can understand why you broke the plate."

"You can?"

"Sure. You found and lost your mother again all in the same day. Joy and pain in tremendous amounts. That had to come out somewhere. The heart shows the love, the smudge shows it was an imperfect love, like I said before.

"Do you remember your parents ever being together?"

Liam shook his head. "No. Just when my dad picked me up and dropped me off. Plus a few nights like this one where they were together for school stuff. Once I think they took me somewhere but I can't remember where."

"They both love you very much. I'm sure it's really hard for your mom not to be with you. And I'm sure her reason to leave is very important."

Liam chewed on his lip, digesting what Mandy told him and tried to make peace with it.

They worked on a puzzle for a bit and then watched some more TV before Liam turned the set off and looked back at Mandy.

"There was one day, it was my birthday." Liam began, looking at the far wall, his memory slipping out despite being held tightly for so long. "We were at the park. I can't really even remember which one. My mom had made a picnic lunch. I can't recall if it was a week day or weekend, but I'm pretty sure it was my actual birthday. We were eating. My dad was supposed to be there, he was late again. But then, before we finished he showed up with a box of cupcakes. They had little baseball players on them and were double chocolate. I can still taste them." He said practically licking his lips.

"Before he came, my mom and I had played on the playground. She had pushed me on the swings, dug in the sand, caught me coming down the slide. Then we went and ate and waited for my dad. I remember seeing him walking our way and jumped up and ran to him, nearly knocking the box of cupcakes out of his hands. He picked me up with one arm and carried me back to the picnic table we were sitting at. My parents looked at each other—I'm not sure what the look was or meant, but I've never seen it between two people since then. I'm not sure why I remember it so clearly, but I do.

"I ate half a cupcake, took the little baseball player off of it and dueled with my dad and his little plastic player, then I took off to the playground, insisting he come play with me."

"Did he?" Mandy asked.

"Yes. He chased me around, did all the same things my mom did. I came down the slide he snatched me up and swung me around. I always loved it when he swung me around like that. It was like I was flying—I could see his face and he always looked happy too. After he did that he held me close. I looked over to see my mom watching us, she was happy and sad. Like she was happy that my dad and I were having fun, but sad for the very same thing. I think it was right then that she decided to leave. That's the only memory I have of them together other than pick up and drop off or a the plate painting."

"I'm sorry Liam," Mandy told him gently, meaning it. She could just see a tiny Liam looking back at his uncertain mother, with so many things going through her mind. Her love and family melting away.

With Liam in bed and under the covers, Mandy read two chapters of a book that was about an explorer who was lost in the jungle trying to find it's secrets and treasures. She looked over at the bookshelf that was crammed with books, including classics like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the Wizard of Oz, The Jungle Book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, among others. His mother may not be around, but she left much of her love within the bindings of what he cherished and kept close. Liam patiently listened to her as she read, and as he began to drift off to sleep. "Picture hidden in my dad's room," he practically slurred as his eyes fluttered.

"Of your mom? I thought you didn't have any pictures."

"No. Said she hated having her picture taken. My dad takes pictures on stakeouts—long lens." And then Liam crossed over to slumber.

Mandy stood up and crossed the room and turned the light off. She closed the door behind her and wondered how many secrets Jay had hidden away. He had always been nothing but a gentleman with her, an older brother kind of vibe. But she could always feel an underlying tension emanating from him. Like his skin was constantly humming. She was certain that many stories hid behind the pale blue eyes and tight smile. She opened up the bedroom door and took another look at Liam, sleeping peacefully knowing that the boy had inherited the very same balance of ache and benevolence. He would have quite a future ahead of him, one she hoped that he would be able to manage, because if he couldn't, he might just self-destruct. The very same fear she had for Jay.

The song changed, but it was just as loud and sounded much like the previous one. Scott returned from the bar and slid a new drink into Jay's hand. "On me," he said and winked.

"I thought he was with your other friend," Jay said into Shannon's ear.

"Ginny? Sorta. But I gotta warn you that my entire posse is after you. You are safe from no one."

"Not even Scott?"

"Especially him," she said as she pulled Jay, who made a quick attempt to set his drink down, just getting it on the nearby table, back onto the dance floor.

Jay looked at the sea of people that surrounded him. He was never really into the club scene, too loud, too many people, but every so often the free flung energy was fun to be around. He kept up with Shannon who he was beginning to wonder had ingested something more than alcohol. She was twisting and turning like a gold medal gymnast and was now pulling him close, very close and despite his best efforts his body was reacting to hers, the gyrating, the heat, the shape, the femininity, it was all closing in on him.

After ensuring that Liam was asleep for like the fifth time, Mandy stood in the doorway to Jay's room. "You can fall asleep on my bed if you get tired. I like what I like." The phrases echoed in her head, endlessly bouncing around.

She stepped into the room, which was tidy. The bed made, no clothes on the floor, everything in its place. She stopped in front of the full length mirror that was held to the closet door. She stared at her reflection wishing it had more to offer. She had shoulder length brown hair. It had just a hint of auburn, somewhat like Jay's hue. It had enough body that it didn't quite hang limply, but wasn't anything spectacular. Her eyes were dark brown, she hated them, like two Hershey kisses jammed into her eye sockets. She wasn't in great shape, her body wasn't tight and it never gave the appearance that it ever would be, even if she gave it some effort. But due to youth and a fair metabolism, it wasn't awful. Her clothes took turns grabbing at her and hanging from her. She had zero fashion sense and didn't really care.

She looked around and walked towards the nightstand. The top held a lamp and a picture of Jay and Liam and what was most likely the Uncle Will that Liam had told her about—the doctor, she could easily see the DNA connecting the dots. Liam was in his Halloween costume, the brothers smiling behind him. She turned the lamp on and then picked up the picture by the frame and looked more closely. Liam, clearly was amped up by candy and trying to stay in control, his blue eyes most definitely sparkling and nearly jumping from his head. Will, looked tired, but attempting to make a good show out of being thought about on this holiday. He did seem genuinely happy to be a part of the tiny family. And Jay, Jay had his slight smile, perhaps a little more than that, the corners of his mouth raised a bit higher. She looked at his eyes and they held very little sparkle. His hand was on Liam's shoulder, it was gentle, an act of love and perhaps protection. Or was she reading to much into it, her psychology class pushing her to see what wasn't there. The microscopic family under her own microscope.

She put the picture back down, trying to get it in the same exact spot from where she had picked it up and then pulled her phone out and took a picture of the photo and cropped the frame out. She picked it up again and set it down a little further to the left. Jay was a cop, he might notice the slightest thing. She then opened up the drawer and peered inside. There was a tube of lip balm, a package of tissues and an accordion of condoms. She had no idea how many, more than five but less than ten. She stared at the square packages as if they held the meaning of life, and perhaps they somehow did. Behind them were a couple of manly bracelets; black leather, braided with some kind of symbol and another one that was metal. But her eyes were still on the condoms. She wasn't a virgin, but she wasn't what you would call sexually active either. She had lost her virginity to her high school boyfriend when she was a junior and then remained celibate until college where she had slept with a couple of different guys, because it seemed like the thing to do at the time.

She reached into the drawer and grabbed at the packets and found the one on top had been already torn from its mates. She tried to envision why. Had he had someone here and it didn't work out or get that far? Had he just prepared the package in case whomever he had visiting worked their way to the bed? How often did he have women over? She couldn't imagine that he would have dates in and out of here with Liam around. Jay seemed too responsible to have a merry-go-round of women around his son with promises of a future that would never come to fruition. But, Liam had friends and play dates, so maybe he had a few women on speed dial to come over and keep him company, risking Liam coming home and interrupting them. She knew there was an edge to him, safe but danger on the horizon. And who was she kidding, a few women? He could have a harem if he wanted one.

She sat down on the bed, the condom still in her hand. She could see him at the park, acting like some kind of player, the danger part. Later rushing home to check on his son, and her, he had checked on her as well, to see if they were okay. Plying them both with food, nutrients and attention. "I like what I like." His voice forever in the loop, his expression forever frozen. "If only," Mandy said aloud. She stood back up and shoved the condom in her pocket and ripped the next one off and carefully set it on top of the others just as he had. She closed the drawer gently and went back to check on Liam who was still sleeping, his thick blond, naturally highlighted hair floating on the pillow, his cheekbones and bone structure clearly stating that he would have the very same capacity of having his own harem when he was older.

She returned to the bedroom and went straight to the dresser. On top were two more pictures, one of Liam, probably at age four, with an expression of pure happiness. The kind of smile that takes up an entire face and eyes that glow with glee. The other picture was of Jay and a woman. She was pretty, but clearly not the woman that Liam had described. There was no trace of the boy in her face, which was a mixture of controlled anger and an attempt at a true smile. Jay was making his own attempt at a natural smile. Maybe this was Erin, Liam had mentioned her once or twice. The two had been partners and had dated at one time. The dresser held a walkie- talkie that was snuggled into a charger and was turned off. A way to stay in front of things even when at home? A bit of old school or in case a cell phone wasn't at the ready? His badge sat there, polished and held by it's leather backing. She picked it up and could feel its power and authority coiled inside. Maybe Jay was just like the badge, everything tight, compacted, thick in his efforts to keep it all under control. She held the badge to her cheek, pressing it until she was certain it had made an imprint. She then pulled it away and held it in her hand, her thumb going over the word detective, back and forth, back and forth until she huffed her hot breath on it and wiped it on her shirt and placed it back where it had been.

She opened the top drawer, often the most famous for holding all things hidden and special. She had to be careful as the orderliness of the room had crossed into the dresser. This was his sock drawer, full of black calf and ankle length offerings as well as a few dress socks. She gently moved the paired items around and peered what was under them, behind them. There were keys, to what she had no idea. A snapshot of several guys in army uniforms. A compass and an old watch, perhaps his father's. There was a pocket knife, maybe a childhood treasure he would one day pass on to Liam. A smartphone, he had his on his person so this was either a back up or perhaps the one he used when he was undercover. She pulled it out and turned it one. It held nothing. No pictures, no texting conversations. It did have several contacts but nothing linking him to them. It probably was his undercover phone. She turned it off, wiped her fingerprints from the screen and returned it. And moved onto the second drawer.

It held his undershirts, bright and white, almost new as if he only wore them a few times before discarding them for new ones. It also held his underwear; boxer briefs in all the colors of the rainbow, a few bright ones, but mostly dark's, navy blue, dark green and gray. She pulled up a neatly folded shirt and smelled it, it had a hint of a mild detergent or fabric softener. She carefully patted it back into place and looked over at the underwear. She put her index finger on the green one's surface, the material feeling rough to her touch. She traced around its seams and slid it into the flap. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. But quickly opened her eyes and took her hand away and closed the drawer. She went to the next one finding solid colored t-shirts both long and short sleeved along with a few sport themed ones, the Bears, Cubs, Bulls. The next two drawers held jeans and sweatpants. She walked over to the closet and opened it to see flannel and other button-down shirts hanging side by side. A few lightweight sweaters were among them as well as a few dress shirts and slacks and two suits along with several pairs of shoes and sneakers claiming space on the floor. The shelf held a few thicker sweaters and boxes of who knows what, but she couldn't reach them. And a lockbox, one she was certain that held his gun. She recalled one day Liam telling her about it and that he was never allowed to touch it. That he would be grounded to his room forever and ever if he ever touched it. Of course there was combination required that she didn't know, so she just stood and stared at it for a moment. She then closed the door and went back to the dresser, thinking that she would need to get a chair to check the boxes on the closet shelf if the underwear drawer didn't hold what she was looking for.

Mandy took a deep breath and opened up the second drawer again. She picked up a pile of fabric that held Jay in all of his sensitive places and set them on the top of the dresser. She then moved everything else around but her search yielded nothing. But as she lifted the gray, green and navy pile back to the drawer she felt something poke her. She put the underwear back on top of the dresser and saw a corner of photo sticking out. She tugged on it and pushed a deep red fabric askew so she would remember where to slide the photo back. Her heart was hammering. This could be his ex, Liam's mother or it could be something entirely different and something she wasn't prepared to witness. Maybe Jay's demons were bigger than she had ever imagined. This could be anything. Her hands started to shake. What if he was some kind of dangerous individual, his insanity cloaked by his badge. What if this picture revealed something she never wanted to see or would ever be able to forget. She nearly let it go, letting it remain covered, but she couldn't help herself and pulled it out revealing a strawberry blond woman, with a pale, but beautiful face, with bright blue sparkling eyes. She was looking at her child with nothing but love and devotion. It was clear she had no idea the picture had been taken. Her focus clearly on her son, who was showing her a small stuffed animal, it looked like an elephant. "My dad takes pictures on stakeouts—long lens." Liam had mumbled. Did he know about this picture? Clearly he did as he had told her it was hidden in Jay's room. Had Jay been watching his son with his mother, wanting that one picture to remember her by, the one she would never allow? Did he sense she would be leaving them soon, taking what would never be given, something to cherish, to cling to. How deep had their history been? How much did she take from him when she left?

Mandy took a picture of that photo as well and carefully tucked everything back where it had been. She then stepped back and was satisfied that everything was back as it was supposed to be and was ready to leave the room when she looked over at the bed. "You can fall asleep on my bed if you get tired." It was as if Jay was there whispering in her ear. She went over and laid down. Her head falling into the pillow. It smelled faintly of him, hints of deodorant and manly scented cologne. She chewed on her lip and sat straight up, staring at the hamper. She got up and opened the lid and looked down to see his most recently discarded clothing. A button down flannel, jeans, underwear, socks and one of the bright white undershirts. She reached in, her finger finding the underwear, but quickly bypassed them and grabbed the undershirt. She noticed another undershirt further down in the tangle of clothes. But she took the one on top and held it to her face and inhaled. The same scent of manly spritzes and sprays, with a hint of musky sweat. She felt a stirring that she had and hadn't want to. She went back to the bed and laid down, placing the shirt on her chest, smelling her crush all over her. She looked at the open door and listened to the quiet as her fingers began to find their way to her waistband. She shouldn't, she couldn't. How could she ever look at Jay again? But her fingers were slipping under the button and zipper that held them closed and tight to her body. She inhaled his scent and closed her eyes as she tingled below. She found her wetness and began to coax it, pull it from hiding when she heard a noise. She pulled her hand out and sat straight up, tossing the t-shirt in the general direction of the hamper. She went out into the living room and saw Liam's bedroom door open and the bathroom door closed. It must have been the late glass of water he had insisted on. She heard a flush and then a barely awake Liam stumbled back to his room, either not seeing her or not caring to stop and chat. She went back to Jay's room, her heart pounding and picked up the undershirt and carried it out to the living room and stuffed it into the bottom of her backpack.

Shannon had been grinding into him for the last half hour and Jay was about to explode. They finally took a break from the dance floor and headed towards a table in a dark corner that had been recently vacated. It offered as much privacy as a place like this could offer. As soon as Jay sat down she swung her leg over his lap and straddled him. He knew he couldn't hide his desire, men were at such a disadvantage when it came to that. It took her no time to discover his arousal and she began to shift her weight and paw at his zipper.

"We're in a public place," Jay stated, shocked at her actions.

"Nobody will even know," she declared, continue to fight with his pants.

"I'm a cop. This can't happen here."

"I don't have a car, do you?" She asked as she looked around.

"I took an Uber." Jay replied.

"Let's go. My place, your place. I don't care." She said practically panting. Jay made the mistake of looking at his watch and seeing it was well after midnight. "What? You have something more important? Are you married?"

"No. Of course not," Jay said, happy that he could answer honestly as he and Abby had finally dissolved their pseudo marriage. He wasn't sure how he would have explained that.

"Girlfriend?"

"No girlfriend."

"Then who or what is more important then?" Her face impassive and demanding an answer, causing Jay to look up at her, shake his head and smile.

_Soundtrack:_

_Saturday Night Panic at the Disco_

_Yes, I think this is the end. Daniel Spaleniak_

_Devil - Vive la Void and Smoke and Red Rider_

_Supermassive black hole_

_Night Club - "Show It 2 Me"_


	29. Sunday Morning

Sunday Morning

Liam stumbled out into the living room, rubbing his eyes as he squinted into the sunlit room. He immediately saw Mandy on the couch and Jay's empty bed. He sighed as he realized his dad must not have come during the night. He hoped at least he had a fun night, but Liam really wanted to have some time with him today since he had had none the day before. But since he was still gone he would probably come home tired and just want to crash on the couch and watch TV.

He sighed as he turned around and was going to head back towards his room when he saw Jay in the kitchen. Liam's eyes lit up and Jay put his finger to his lips so Liam wouldn't wake Mandy up. "Shhh, she's still sleeping," Jay whispered and Liam ran to him and jumped up into his arms.

"You came home," Liam whispered loudly.

"Of course." Jay said, having slipped out from under Shannon the previous night, leaving her angry at his sudden departure. She had misconstrued his smile and shaking head that he had nowhere more important to be, when it had actually portrayed his wonderment at ending up in this bizarre situation. So she was somewhat surprised and miffed when he extricated himself and left her in the corner as he departed for home. "What should we make for breakfast?" He asked leaving his memory behind him.

"Pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes like Tyler's mom makes."

"Dessert for breakfast?" Jay asked.

"Please? Just a few chocolate chips?" Liam begged as Jay set him down.

"Okay, a few."

Mandy could hear voices and wasn't sure if she was dreaming or had fallen asleep in the common area of the dorms. She felt a pillow under her head and felt and unfamiliar surface beneath her. She opened her eyes and realized that she had been babysitting Liam Halstead. She had a vague recollection of watching TV and starting to doze off. She had grabbed the throw pillow and blanket and curled up. Obviously she had fallen asleep, but she had a better pillow, one from a bed under her head and a second blanket over her. Jay must have given them to her when he had gotten home. She only wished she could remember. She opened her eyes and saw that she was most definitely not in the dorm room or any common area. She was clearly in the Halstead apartment. She saw Jay in sweatpants and a t-shirt with bare feet, pulling a bowl from a cabinet as Liam pointed to something.

"Mandy's awake," Liam trilled. "How many pancakes do you want?" He asked. "They're going to be chocolate chip pancakes," he declared with excitement.

She sat up and tried to pat down her wild hair, embarrassed at what she probably looked like. She excused her self and headed to the bathroom and tried to adjust everything in the hopes she would appear slightly more presentable. But her effort only proved to be useless. By the time she got back to the kitchen Liam was stirring the batter, while Jay was heating up the frying pan.

"Good morning," Jay said as she once again attempted to tame her hair.

"No use," Jay said patting his own hair, which a bit taller than normal but still relatively tidy. "Mornings were made to be casual. You should have slept in my bed. I would have taken the couch when I got home."

"When did you get home?" Liam asked.

"After you were asleep," Jay said looking at his son. "Let me see that bowl."

"I have to get the chips," Liam proclaimed heading for the counter.

"I was fine on the couch. Did you have fun?" She asked, partially hoping that he didn't.

"Whoa dude," Jay said pulling the bowl away as Liam was a bit heavy handed with the chocolate chips.

"That's not so many," he argued.

"It's plenty." Jay replied. "What did you say Mandy?"

"Did you have fun?"

"It was fine. A little dancing, a little adult time. Thank you for staying. I'll pay for the entire night."

"No big deal. Liam was great, went to bed on time with no argument. I slept through the night so it was fine. Probably quieter here than my dorm." She said as she looked at him and found herself grateful that the man was even alive. Her heart started to push blood through at an alarming rate as she recalled once again at finding Liam leaving school with the news that Jay had been shot.

Jay smiled at her as he poured out the first pancake. "Well I appreciate it. You okay?" He asked looking at the expression on her face.

"Yeah. Great. I, I just take a minute to wake up, that's all." She willed that he be careful, to live, to survive. She graduated in a few short months and would never see them again, and her heart was already aching.

An hour later, they had driven Mandy home, and both Jay and Liam were showered and dressed. "So what do we do today?" Jay asked.

"I don't know," Liam sighed.

"I know. How about the library?" Jay asked knowing that Liam loved books and Emma had often taken him to the library for story times and activities from the time he was a toddler.

"The big one? On State Street?" He asked.

"Yeah. The big one on State Street," he said speaking of the main branch of the library.

"I love that place," Liam proclaimed. "It has the giant eyeball outside."

"I know. But they don't open until one o'clock today, so let's clean up a bit and by then it should be time to go. Deal?"

"Okay." Liam agreed as he went to his room and began to tidy up while Jay tackled the living room and kitchen. It was after twelve when he realized Liam was still in his room.

"You okay bud?" Jay called out as he got to the bedroom door.

"Can I tell you something?" Liam asked.

"Of course."

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"Well, that's a hard thing for me to agree to when I don't know what it is. But I promise that we will talk it through. How about that?"

"Okay," Liam sighed as he dropped down to the floor and dove under his bed.

Jay watched the top half of his son disappear and immediately grew concerned as to what his son was reaching for. The room smelled fine so he didn't think it was anything dead. But now the fear was that it could be something alive. Liam had always wanted a pet, but the last thing Jay needed was responsibility for another living creature. Finally Liam slid back out with a plastic bag in his hand.

"It's this," Liam said as he handed the bag to Jay.

"It rattles," Jay commented, somewhat relieved that it didn't meow or scurry, as he sat down on the bed and began to untie the knot. He opened the bag and looked puzzled as he tried to understand what he was looking at. He pulled the pieces out and walked over to the desk and set them down. "Is this the plate that we all painted when you were in Kindergarten?"

"Yeah," Liam admitted.

"What happened?"

"It broke."

"I can see that. Wasn't it at the back of a cabinet?"

"Yeah. I was looking for that water bottle that I got from soccer camp last summer and I found it. It was just after mom came back—and left again. I saw it and it was in my hands and then—"

"You dropped it?" Jay supplied as Liam hesitated.

"On purpose. I threw it on the floor. Smashed it."

"Was I home?" Jay asked, his face reflecting confusion.

"No. Ellie was watching me, but she had to go to her apartment for something."

"How did you even reach it?"

"I climbed up on the counter. I thought it would break more, but it didn't. I hurried up and put the pieces in a bag and hid it under my bed."

"Why did you want to break it?"

"Because I was mad."

"Because Mom left again?"

"Yes," Liam said as a tear began to rise up. "I just got angry and threw it."

"How come you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to get into trouble. I thought you'd be mad." 

"Well, I'm not thrilled that you were climbing on the counter and smashing plates, but I do understand why you did it."

"You do?"

"Sure. It was a hard time for both of us. Our hearts hurt."

"Yeah. Yours too?"

"Of course mine too. Mine hurt for seeing her leave again and my heart hurt for all of your pain." Liam nodded, understanding. "Do you want to try and glue it?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know. You'll be able to see the cracks."

"Kind of like our family, huh?" Jay asked.

"I guess so."

"We can glue it, but it won't the be same, just like with your mom gone, we won't be the same. But we are a family, a small one, but its ours and mom was a part of it at one time, without her you wouldn't be here."

"Yeah," Liam said quietly as he looked down.

"I'm not sure why I didn't put it on the wall after we moved."

"Cause you didn't want to be reminded."

"Reminded of what?" Jay asked as he squatted down to look at his son face to face.

"Of what we didn't have anymore. Maybe it wasn't great, but it was something. And then she left. And we did okay and got better, but then she came back. It was like getting punched on a bruise."

Jay flinched at the comparison. "Yes it was. And I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay. I'm just glad that I have you."

"Yes you do," Jay said pulling his son into a hug. "Why don't we put the pieces aside, then we can decide later if you want to glue it back together?"

"Okay," Liam nodded.

"Make sure you have your library card and let's head down there then."

"Are we taking the truck?"

"Nope, bus. Parking is a nightmare." Jay said of its location near the parks. "Bring a bag if you want to pick out a couple of books."

A half hour later the bus deposited them nearby and they walked the last bit, taking a minute to snap a picture at the giant eyeball near the library. "It's blue just like my eyes and your eyes," Liam proclaimed. Jay was pretty sure he pointed that distinction out each and every time they visited.

Once in the library, Liam breathed deeply at the smell of paper and bindings. "It's like the words are floating everywhere," he claimed as he headed toward the children and young adult section. Jay smiled as he watched his son scurry off. He had definitely inherited his love of reading and words from his mother. She always had a book nearby; if not in her hand. She had once told him that every book held a potential relationship as well as adventure, and that each word was like a smile. He didn't get it, but clearly his son did.

Jay perused his phone while Liam looked through the shelves, coming out each time with his bag a little bit heavier. "No more than five," Jay reminded him of the limit that he imposed on the number of choices. Any more than that and Jay couldn't keep track of them all.

"I know," Liam called out. "I'm choosing carefully."

Jay shoved his phone in his back pocket and wandered to the end of the aisle and watched as Liam tilted his head one way and then another, reading title after title. He pulled a book from the shelf and sat down on the floor to turn its pages. He stood back up, slid the book home and continued to look, finding another one that seemed to gain his interest. Suddenly Jay could see Emma, gazing at what was around her, a smile there, but hidden in her concentration. It made him think of the picture he had hidden away in his drawer. He had watched her focus totally isolated on Liam and he now knew that was her undoing. She had lost her sense of paranoia, watching for everyone and everything. Now too much of her vision only included her son and that had clearly made her uneasy, worried enough that she knew it was time for her to leave.

He had been on a stakeout not far from her apartment and thought he'd swing by and see if he could take Liam for some ice cream before going back to work. He thought he saw them as he passed by the small neighborhood park so he pulled over and prepared to get out and approach them, but before he opened the door he figured he had better secure the camera. Once he picked it up he decided to take a few shots. She had never posed for or allowed herself to be photographed. Jay thought it was odd, but she always appeared shy, camera-wise along with everything else, so he never pushed it. But Liam needed a picture of his mother. And Jay did too. He lined the two of them up and took several shots.

Liam had been showing her some kind of stuffed animal and she was nodding. Then they stood up from their spot next to the sandbox as the rain began to trickle down. Liam hugged the toy closely and they began to walk the block home as Emma held his hand tightly and glanced around causing Jay to sink down into his seat to stay out of sight.

He recalled the conversation that they had had at Liam's fifth birthday the week before. "You were late again," she said as Jay had walked over as Liam began chasing another child on the playground in a rowdy game of tag.

"I had to work. Plus I picked up the cupcakes." He said holding up the bakery box.

"Didn't want to come empty handed?"

"I have presents for him. They're at my apartment and their even wrapped in Minion wrapping paper. You okay?" He asked as she wasn't usually this short with him. 

"Yeah, fine Jay." She snapped. "Sorry. I just need to know that you'll be there for him." She said, sighing, her tone lighter.

"I am. But you know that my job doesn't have regular hours."

"Regular hours? It's all encompassing. You're a father, he has to be your priority no matter what."

"I was a half hour late. I'm here now. I can't always leave when I want to, you know this. You said you understood."

"I do. But."

"But what?"

"But what if I need more. What if he needs more?" She asked, her voice imploring.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Go play with him." She said as Liam was looking over and calling to Jay. "Go. This is his day."

His day; Jay thought back in the present. He tried to give Liam priority when he could. He did his best to give him something special at least once a week, but in reality it was more like once a month. He was trying or at least he was convincing himself that he was.

"Look Dad!" Liam said pointing at a nearby table when he finally emerged from the shelves. "What are they doing?"

"Not sure. Let's go see," figuring this would be a good time to take advantage of some of that priority time.

They walked over and saw a librarian or volunteer with a plastic name tag that said Diane, standing behind a table that already held a few kids and adults along with several piles of square, colorful paper.

"Hello there young man. What's your name?" She asked.

"Liam." He replied.

"Well, Liam would like to come try some origami? Do you know what that is?"

Liam thought for a moment. "Paper folding. Japanese paper folding." He stated proudly.

"Very good. You are exactly right. Come pick out a piece of paper, we're going to make a crane. Is a parent with you?"

"My dad," Liam said smiling as he looked back at Jay.

"Well, Liam's dad would you like to try?"

Jay glanced at his son, whose eyes were lit up with prospect of sharing a project with him. He could hear Emma's words echoing in his brain, "this is his day." "Of course," he said coming over to Liam's side and grabbing some paper.

"I've got blue," Liam said showing Jay his blue square. "Just like the police."

"Yes it is," Jay nodded. "I have orange."

"Why?"

"Because it was your mom's favorite color."

"That's nice," Liam said nodding as the instructions and paper folding began.

Once back home Jay set down the bag of books that he had found himself carrying as Liam had decided they were just too heavy for him. "So what do we have in here?" He asked of the contents inside the bag.

"My crane and canoe that we folded. And your crane and canoe that you folded," Liam said proudly as he took the origami creations from inside the book that he had placed them inside for protection.

"What else?" Jay asked as Liam pulled out the four books that he had chosen.

"The Battles and Weaponry of the Civil War. Dragons, Griffons and other Mythological creatures. The Case of the Missing Key; a mystery. And last but not least, Crafts for Kids and Adults. Nice selection."

"It has a project that we can do with the broken plate."

"Ahh. Great. We can do that next weekend." Jay said putting the books back into the bag.

"Okay."

"Stay right here for a second," Jay said as Liam sunk into the couch. He went to his room and found the picture he had been hiding for over five years and pulled it out.

"You hid the fact that you had broken the plate, but I've been hiding something from you too."

"You have?" Liam asked, his face scrunched up in confusion.

"This," Jay said and handed it to his son.

"Mom!" Liam exclaimed.

"Yeah. She left not long after I took this." Suddenly, Liam's face twisted and fell. "What's wrong?"

"I already knew about the picture," he admitted.

"What? How?"

"I went into your room once after you took my phone when I was in trouble. I just wanted to check for something on it. I looked in your top drawer and found the picture."

"And you never told me."

"No. I didn't want to get into trouble. I went back another time to see it again, but it was gone."

"I moved it."

"Oh. I didn't know what happened to it. But I couldn't ask, because I wasn't supposed to know that it was even in there."

"You're right, you shouldn't have been in my room without permission and most definitely not looking for something that had been taken away from you. But, I'm sorry I didn't share it with you. I should have."

Liam shrugged. "I knew you took it with your big camera. I figured you needed it so it's okay. You wanted something that was just yours." 

"I have that."

"What is it?" Liam questioned.

"You. You're all mine," Jay said reaching over grabbing Liam and pulling him over and tickling him, causing him to erupt into laughter. "Who's your daddy," Jay asked.

"You are," Liam laughed and squirmed. "You are."

Jay let him go so he could sit back up. "I still have that elephant toy. The one from the picture. He's in my room. Owen." Liam said suddenly serious.

"Oh yeah, Owen the elephant." Jay said knowing it sat on a shelf in Liam's room—a memory, an attachment to his mother. Perhaps identifying with the once forgotten and abandoned toy.

"He had been left in the sandbox all by himself so I asked Mom if I could take him home and take care of him. It had started to rain and I didn't want him to be out there all by himself getting wet."

"So she let you take him and take care of him." Jay said recalling the story that Emma had told him the next week when Liam insisted that Owen share their weekend.

"Yeah. We put him the washing machine first so I guess he got wet anyway. But after that he stayed in my room and I kept him close. I didn't want him to feel like he had been left all alone."

Jay just sat there thinking that Liam was his version of Owen the elephant.

That night after Liam had fallen asleep Jay noticed that the craft book had a bookmark placed in it so he flipped it open and was surprised that it held instructions for an entirely different project that he had anticipated. He guessed he would just have to wait and see what the choice was all about. He smiled as he looked over at his son. He wasn't quite sure who might be the recipient of the project, but whoever it was had found a special place in his son's heart. He looked closer at the bookmark in his hand. It had been laminated and he squinted at it in the dark before he gave up and went into the living room where the lamp was shining its soft light. The back had Emma's curly cue script that said 'I love you always and forever Liam'. The other side was a quote by a group called raising readers, that stated: _Children fall in love with books because of the memories created when they snuggle up and read with someone they love. _Clearly Emma had added her own words and then laminated it. And somehow Liam had held onto it all these years. How many days and nights had they snuggled together with a book? Clearly the joy had rubbed off on Liam. How many nights had he and Liam snuggled up with a book? He could easily guess it was far less and also not recently. Jay crept back into the bedroom and put the bookmark back where he had found it and kissed his son one more time on the head before closing the door and taking a big breath to help cleanse whatever it was that was bothering him.


	30. No Hesitation

No Hesitation

"Hey kiddo," Jay greeted as he saw his son come up the stairs at the district. "I'll be just a minute okay?"

"Yeah," Liam said as he and Ellie edged their way into the room. The team was working on a project that would keep them late so Jay asked Voight if he could have an hour dinner break to spend with his son. With permission granted, Ellie bundled Liam up and headed over, planning to spend time in a couple of small shops in the neighborhood while Liam and Jay ate dinner.

The last few days since the trip to the library, all he could picture was Emma and Liam curled up with a book, bonding in their mutual love of the written word. He was never much of a reader, he did occasionally whip through a mystery, but for the most part, he just didn't have the time or energy. But he had to admit, reading that bookmark, and envisioning the mother/son bonding only reminded him that he rarely had the same experience with Liam and it was really bothering him.

Jay came to the present and watched as Liam looked down at his shoes as Ellie bent down and whispered something to him. He nodded as she took his hat and gloves from him and then nodded some encouragement. He looked over at Jay but then began to walk towards Kim who was sitting at her desk. He unzipped his coat as he went and seemed hesitant and awkward as he slowly approached.

"Hey Liam, how are you buddy." She asked turning in her seat to look at him as he arrived.

Liam looked back at Ellie, who once again nodded encouragement and it suddenly hit Jay who the little project from the craft book might be for.

"Hi," he said quietly. "Um, um, my dad told me about—about what happened. About the baby," Liam stammered. "In a few months we were going to pick out a present, since—well I thought I'd give you a gift instead," he said his voice drifting off. "Um, anyway, I'm really sorry."

"Thank you Liam," Kim said. "That's very sweet."

"Um, I do have something for you." He said jamming his hand in his coat pocket. "I made it, so it's not that good, but I worked kinda hard on it and Ellie helped me. She took me to the craft store. I didn't know what your favorite things were so I just put some stuff that I thought looked cool." Liam pulled out a woven bracelet made of purple, blue and black, a darkened sunset of colors. Woven into the strands were a sun, moon and stars.

"I did the sun, because even if we can't see it, it will always come up and will eventually come out from behind the clouds even if it tries to stay there for days and days. The moon, because even when it's dark, the moon will help us see. And the stars, because even though we can't see them in the city, we know they are there and there's a lot of them."

Kim just sat and stared at the bracelet, then she took it and reached out and pulled Liam into a hug and began to cry. Liam just stood still, mortified that he had upset her as she released him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—I didn't mean to make her cry," Liam stammered as Adam walked over to him and Jay took a few steps forward.

Adam looked at Kim who was clutching the gift as tears flooded from her eyes. "You didn't make her cry." He said.

"I did. Look," Liam said pointing out what he felt was obvious. "I'm sorry Kim. I'm sorry." He apologized, but all she could do was cry.

"Okay, she is crying, but it is because what you gave her is so very special." Adam explained.

"It's nothing big. Not a big deal."

"It's a very big deal. A very big deal," he repeated. "It meant that you were thinking about her and wanted to help her when she was sad."

"But I made it worse."

"No you didn't. Emotions are complicated. You've seen a team win the Stanley Cup or the World Series and the players have cried right?" Liam nodded. "Do you think they're sad?"

"No," Liam admitted.

"Right, they're so happy they cry."

"I don't think she's very happy," Liam pointed out.

"I'm crying because this is the most beautiful thing that anyone has done for me in a very long time. I love it and think you did a fantastic job on it. I can tell you worked really hard. And what the beads stand for is a beautiful sentiment. Did you think of those all by yourself?"

"Yeah," Liam admitted.

"I am so impressed," Kim said as she took a tissue from Hailey who had walked over.

"You put it on and tie it there," Liam said as he pointed to the dangling strings. "If you want to wear it all the time you can cut the strings so they don't get in the way. But you can just kinda tie them loosely so you can take it off."

"Help me Adam?" She asked as she draped the bracelet over her wrist. He tied it in a double knot per her request. She then opened her desk drawer and pulled her scissors out.

"Are you sure?" Liam asked. "I mean it's nothing fancy."

"It's better than fancy," she said as she nodded to Adam to cut the dangling strings.

She got up and pulled Liam into another hug. "Thank you so much. It means a lot to me."

Liam looked up as she let him go a big smile on her face. "You're welcome. I'm glad you like it."

"I do. I really do," Kim said, meaning every word.

Liam walked back towards Ellie as Jay put his finger up. "Just give me one more second and we're outta here, okay?"

Liam nodded and exhaled the anxiety that he had been holding the last few minutes. "You did great," Ellie said as Adam walked over. "I'm going to head out Jay. Let me know when and where you want me to meet you."

"I sure will. Thanks Ellie, I appreciate it. All of it," he said smiling. He then looked down at his son. "You did a good thing and a fantastic job. I'll be ready in a minute," he promised as he headed back to his desk.

"Yes you did do a great job." Adam agreed. "I have to ask your dad, but I thought I'd start with you."

"Okay?" Liam said.

"We had fun in October right? At the pumpkin thing."

"Yeah. It was great."

"Would you be interested in hanging out with me again on a Saturday or something?" He asked, looking a little nervous like he was going to be shot down by a girl that he was inviting to the prom.

"Sure. What should we do?"

"You pick. As long as your dad says it's okay."

Liam smiled. "He will. Don't worry."

"Where are we going to eat?" Liam asked as they finally got out the door.

"The falafel place," Jay said. "You like falafel's right?"

"Yep," Liam said as they approached the intersection. The small family-owned diner was just a couple of blocks from the district, making for a short walk. Liam slid his hand in his father's and looked up at him with a slight smile.

"Hungry?" Jay asked.

"Yeah. Really, really hungry. I can eat a lot."

"What's a lot?"

"A lot, a lot."

"Wow, that much huh?" Jay said looking down at his son. "You did a wonderful thing by giving Kim that bracelet."

"I wanted to cheer her up, I guess."

"I think you did."

"Adam said she cried because it made her happy, but I'm not so sure."

"She cried because it felt very special that you did that for her. It's kind of complicated."

"I'll say." Liam said as the light changed and they walked across the street. "Dad?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"Adam wants to take me somewhere again. I think it's because he's sad too."

"You're probably right. Do you want to hang out with him?"

"Yes. He's fun."

"Where are you going to go?"

"I'm supposed to pick."

"Well then I guess you'll have to think about it. Hey, I really did like that bracelet, it was pretty cool. You did a great job on it."

"You think so?"

"Definitely."

"I can make you one too." Liam offered.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Liam said with a nod. "Do you want me to?"

"Most definitely," Jay said as they made their way inside the restaurant.

The place had stood at this address forever, changing hands every decade or so. It was a place where the tables wobbled and matchbooks had once steadied them eventually giving way to folded napkins crammed up under there. The few booths had duct tape mending wounds that would never heal. It looked aged and worn out, but it was clean, the food amazing and authentic to whichever nationality held it at the time, and always with seemingly fair prices.

They stopped at the register and ordered before heading back to a booth along the back wall to wait for their dinner. As they ate they talked about school, homework, and the fact that Chrissy Klein kept sticking her tongue out at Liam and had wanted to sit next to him at lunch all week.

"I think she likes you," Jay teased.

"But girls are gross," Liam complained.

"I bet they won't be so gross next year. I'm going to go and get the bathroom code so you can wash up. You've got tzatziki sauce all over your face."

"And hands," Liam said holding them up.

Jay smiled and went to the counter and got the daily code. Many restaurants had a pad on the bathrooms so that they couldn't be used by non-customers, especially the homeless who would go in and stay for far too long. Jay went back and punched in the four digits and watched Liam go inside. "Use soap," he yelled behind him.

"Yeah, yeah," Liam replied as the door closed.

Jay cleaned up the table and dumped their garbage and put the tray up as a woman walked in with her young daughter. They took a moment to order and the girl walked back towards Jay and sat down in a booth across from where he and Liam had been sitting. The woman looked back at her daughter and smiled at Jay as something caught his eye and his heart began to hammer in his chest. He saw Liam come out of the bathroom and immediately grabbed him and shoved him under the table that they had just left. The boys eyes were huge and confused as Jay put his finger to his lips, his eyes pleading for Liam to follow his instructions. He turned back towards the little girl who was sitting in the booth behind him, she could clearly see what was happening as the man screamed at the front. He again put his finger to his lips and as gently as possible he put her under the table with Liam.

"Stay here and be quiet," Jay said, hoping the gunman at the front was still so focused on the cash register that he still hadn't noticed the activity in the back.

"Daddy, no," Liam whispered.

"Please stay here. It'll be okay," Jay said before he turned, pulled his gun from his holster and held it behind his back as he crept up to the front of the restaurant.

"But you don't have your vest on," Liam said quietly to the now empty air as the girl next to him began to cry. "Shhh," Liam told her. "Hold your hands over your mouth like this," he said clamping his hands over his own mouth as an example. He removed them and told her, "It'll be okay, my dad is a police officer, he always gets the bad guy."

But just as Liam finished his sentence a shot rang out followed by a scream causing Liam to scramble halfway out from under the table. He barely restrained himself from screaming out for his father. He saw him raise his gun, the robber still seemingly unaware of his presence, he yelled 'Chicago PD, drop your weapon' only for the man to turn and reach for the girl's mother who was standing there, but before he could get a hold of her Jay shot him in the chest causing him to crash to the floor, the blood already staining the linoleum.

Liam finished his scramble and stood up beside the booth and stared at the chaos in front of him. "Dad!" He yelled out causing Jay to look back at him.

"Stay there," he yelled, turning his attention back to the downed subject in front of him. He kicked the gun away as the woman stood there in shock, her entire body trembling. The restaurant owner, who was still shaking from having a bullet fired at her by the robber, came around the counter and stared down at the assailant. Jay pulled out his cell phone and made the call that there had been an armed robbery with shots fired, the offender down and a plain clothes police officer on the scene along with several civilians.

Jay put his finger to the man's neck to check for a pulse and found a weak one. He walked over and secured the gun, keeping an eye on the injured man. He grabbed a handful of napkins and held them to the wound for a moment. He then checked to make sure the two women were okay and got the owner to continue to apply pressure to the wound. He ran back towards his son, realizing he couldn't hide the blood on his hands, literally or metaphorically, but Liam met him half way jumping into his arms. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Liam assured. "But she won't come out," he said pointing towards the girl who was still under the table.

"Okay," Jay said as he set Liam down and grabbed some more napkins from a nearby table and began to wipe some of the blood off. He knew he should go back and continue to apply pressure to the offenders wound but the kids were going to come first. He got on his hands and knees and peered under the table. "Hi sweetie, what's your name?"

"Addy," she sniffed.

"Hi Addy, I'm Jay and this is my son Liam. He's ten. How old are you?"

"Nine," she replied.

Jay shifted and sat down as Liam crawled over next to him. "Can you come out? I'm sure your mom would like to see you. She's okay. Only the bad guy was shot."

"But I heard two bullets," she argued.

"One went into the wall." Jay explained as sirens could be heard.

"Where did the other one go?"

"Into the bad guy," Liam said.

"Is he dead?" She asked.

"No, but he is bleeding a lot. I need to go check on him. Liam can stay here with you okay?"

"Okay," she whispered.

"You can't leave," Liam argued.

"I need to try and stop the bleeding," Jay explained as he looked down to see Mrs. Maumoun continuing to hold pressure on the wound. "It's part of my responsibility to render aid."

"But you're the one that shot him. How can you try and save his life?" Liam wanted to know.

"Because that's part of my job too." Jay got up and saw that the restaurant owner had already replaced the napkins with a towel and was using all of her tiny frame to staunch the bleeding. "I'll take over," Jay said as Voight and the team barreled in.

Jay began to explain what happened as an ambulance showed up. Adam charged to the back with Hailey to find Liam coaxing Addy out from under the table. Adam picked her up and carried her to her grateful mother who was still having a difficult time getting her body to respond to her wishes. But she finally was able to get her body parts in sync when she saw her daughter and the two embraced as a second ambulance pulled up and Hailey led them out to it.

"Is that your sitter?" Adam asked as Ellie came charging across the street and peered into the restaurant as the paramedics rushed in to tend to the bleeding offender.

"Stay there," Jay instructed. "This is a crime scene. We're fine, we're okay." He said as he walked to meet her.

"Oh thank God," she said, sighing in relief.

Jay stepped outside with Liam practically attached to him. "Why don't you two go home." He said as he pulled his phone out.

"I want to stay with you Dad," Liam said, his face beginning to scrunch up in an effort not to cry. "I don't want to go home."

Jay put his arm around him and Liam practically climbed up him until Jay pulled him up with one arm and balanced him on his hip.

"It's okay Liam. We can go home and have some hot chocolate and watch a movie." Ellie promised.

"I want to stay here," Liam protested again.

"It's okay." Jay acquiesced. "I've got him. I ordered you an Uber. It should be here in a minute." Jay told her.

"You sure? I can take him."

"Thank you, but I'm sure. I think we need to be together tonight. I'll figure it out."

"Okay," she agreed. She told Liam goodbye and went to the curb to wait for her ride.

With much discussion, it was decided that Addy and her mother would go to the hospital for precautionary measures since they were both quite rattled and would give their statements there. Kevin was taking Liam back to the district and Ellie was on the way back to her apartment.

"You sure you're okay?" Kevin asked Liam again as they stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the diner.

"Yep," he said grabbing the man's bicep so Kevin could pull him up. Liam often used him as a human jungle gym.

"So we're walking back to the district?"

"Yes. I walked here, I'll walk back. It gets out some energy. Or at least that's what my dad says."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, he's probably right."

"How long will my dad have to stay at the scene?"

"I'm not sure. Hopefully not too long. I'll race you to the light," Kevin said and took off at a slow run, with Liam chasing him.

Once back inside the building they made their way up the steps, breathless and with a little less energy than they had earlier. "Did it work? Are you tired?" Kevin asked.

"Maybe a little bit." Liam replied.

"How about we get some hot chocolate and then we go over your statement. Maybe by the time we're done your dad will be back."

Liam agreed, especially to the hot chocolate. He told Kevin exactly what he remembered and it seemed to jive with what Jay had explained. "I mean he just shot him right in the chest, like it was no big deal." Liam said.

"That's called training and your dad has had a lot of it."

"Yeah, I guess. Can you check and see when he'll get here?"

"He'll get here when he's done. Don't you want to hang out with me? You're going to make me feel bad." Kevin said picking Liam up and holding him upside down and shaking him until the boy laughed. "Shake all that energy right out of you."

"I give, I give up. You win, you have all my energy," Liam gasped.

"Let's see what we can find to do," he suggested as he looked around the office. By the time Jay got back Liam was putting the finishing touches on his paper airplane and Kevin looked a little worn down.

"Look Dad, mine flies better than Kevin's," Liam bragged.

"It does? I don't think so," Kevin disagreed.

"Well, let's see them," Jay said, looking worn down himself and ready for a break.

The two participants stood side by side and guided their planes into flight, while Kevin's hit the wall, Liam's found its way to the stairwell and nearly missed Voight as he came up the stairs.

"See, mine went farther," Liam stated.

"It sure did, it sure did," Kevin agreed.

"Thanks for taking care of him," Jay said as Liam retrieved his plane.

"No problem, I got his statement, we had hot chocolate, his had extra chocolate, we played Eye Spy, Simon Says, Follow the Leader and then made our totally awesome planes."

"Did he seem okay?"

"Actually, yeah, he seemed fine."

"Hey buddy, I'm going to make a few notes and then we'll go home. I'll write up my report tomorrow."

"But now you have to do that tomorrow and what you were you going to do tonight and that will make you really late won't it?"

"I'm afraid so." Jay admitted.

"Can I come tomorrow night for dinner?" Liam asked, with hope in his eyes.

"We'll see."

"That means no," Liam said.

"It means we'll see," Jay repeated.

"Look what Kevin can do," Liam said jumping up and grabbing the man's arm. "Pick me up," he demanded.

Kevin lifted his arm along with the attached child, causing Liam to giggle. "Look Dad, cool right?"

"Very cool," Jay agreed. "Let's go kid, let Kevin rest for the night." He said giving up on his notes, figuring the ones he took at the scene would suffice.

"Okay. Bye Kevin. I had fun. Thank you!" He said turning and wrapping his arms around the man who reciprocated, squeezing the boy gently and patting his back.

Liam stared out of the truck window, still wired, he kicked the seat in front of him the entire way home. Jay kept peeking at him in the rearview mirror. "It's late, you need to wind down a bit," he told his son.

"What if I can't?" Liam asked as Jay began to look for a parking spot near their apartment.

"You can try."

"Will you read with me?"

"Maybe for a few minutes."

Jay loved having the truck but trying to find parking spots big enough to accommodate it, could be difficult at times. He finally found a spot and parallel parked like the practiced veteran that he was and went around and met Liam as he hopped out. "Can you carry me? I'm tired."

"Oh, now you're tired," Jay said shaking his head. "Come here," he said reaching out. Liam got out and leaned against his father. Jay reached down and picked him up. "One day soon I won't be able to do this." He said aloud, while treasuring the fact that he still could.

"Okay, pajamas, brush your teeth, wash your face, pick out a book. Go!" Jay instructed once they got inside.

Liam complied, going through the motions while Jay just stood and thought about how different the night could have gone. The 'what-if's' were whirling around in his mind. What if the subject hadn't been so tweaked out of his mind he would have been less focused on the prize in front of him and more on the CPD Detective heading his way. What if he had come in shooting? What if, Liam had gotten caught in the crossfire? All he had wanted was to carve out a little time to spend with his child and it had nearly ended in tragedy.

"I'm ready Dad," Liam sang out, sounding too enthusiastic as he jumped into bed and handed a book to Jay.

"The Boy Who Saved Baseball," Jay read. "Where did you get this book?"

"Mrs. Harris gave it to me. I shoveled her sidewalk last week and she called me to come to her house yesterday and gave me that. She got it from Amazon. It said it was a must read for fifth grade boys, especially ones that played baseball. I've read two chapters so far."

"I see that," Jay said finding the bookmark that Emma had personalized nestled in-between two pages. "Can we talk for a second first?"

"Do I have a choice?" Liam asked.

"Not really." Jay said with a slight smile. "I just want to know how you feel about what happened tonight?"

"I'm okay."

"Do you want to talk to Dr. Sawyer or Dr. Charles about it?"

"No. I really am okay."

Jay was a little concerned about his son's lack of concern. "Sometimes when things like this happen, it takes some time for it to sink in."

"I'm good Dad. Can we just read please?"

"Okay. But if you need to talk to anyone, including me, just let me know okay?"

"Okay," Liam said snuggling into the covers.

Jay read a few pages and then Liam read the rest of the chapter, before closing the book for the night. He put the book on the nightstand and pulled the covers up and kissed Liam on the forehead. "I love you kiddo,"

"I love you too."

Jay went to the door, his hand hovering near the light switch. He thought about how the mother and daughter had been traumatized and here his son was acting as if nothing had happened. "So you really are alright?"

"Yes Dad," Liam said, frustration in his voice. "You want to know why, right? How can I act like nothing happened right?"

"I'm afraid that you are just telling me what I want to hear."

"No. I really am fine. Do you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you were there. Because you protected all of us."

"Okay. I'm glad I was there."

"The woman and her daughter, they didn't know you or what you would do and what you didn't do."

"What didn't I do?" Jay asked puzzled.

"Hesitate. You never hesitated. You weren't going to let anything happen to us no matter what. And best of all, you didn't let anything happen to you. Good night Dad," Liam said rolling over, leaving Jay to stand and ponder what his son had just said.


	31. Testament of Love

_Once again, thank you all for the reviews. Short chapter as the story begins to wind down. A few chapters left to go including two vastly different endings. I'm also working on a few bonus chapters that didn't fit into the body of the story. _

**Testament of Love**

"So this is your idea of fun?" Adam asked as they stood at the entrance of the Art Institute."

"You need more culture." Liam replied.

"Oh, I do? Who told you that?"

"You did, when you just asked me if this was my idea of fun. My uncle brings me here. It has a lot of really old stuff. And some cool paintings too. Plus it's like a maze. We always get lost."

"Yeah, that sounds great, being a rat in a maze."

"My dad says that life is sometimes like being a rat in a maze, but I don't understand what he means. I think mazes can be fun. Look, that painting is really famous," Liam said pointing to American Gothic. "Uncle Will said it represented America a long time ago."

"If you leave the city and suburbs there is a lot of farmland out there." Adam said looking at the painting. "Have you—?" Adam looked down to ask Liam a question only to find he wasn't there. "Not again," he said thinking back to the boys disappearing act at the pumpkin glow. "Liam, Liam," he called out.

"Over here," he yelled, waving Adam his direction from several feet away in the next room. "This is my favorite painting," he said as Adam looked up at a massive portrait of Dorian Gray.

"Hey, you have to stay with me, especially if this place is a maze. Okay?"

"Okay. Sorry," Liam replied, looking contrite.

"What the heck is that?" Adam asked as he looked up and noticed the massive painting.

"It represents moral corruption," Liam explained.

"Oh it does, does it?" Adam asked, his eyebrows raised.

"He sold his soul so that he would stay handsome, but he was a jerk and the painting represents all of his evilness. It's like it was brought to the surface. You couldn't see it otherwise, but if you are ugly on the inside you are just as ugly on the outside."

"Wow," Adam said. "You're pretty smart."

"Uncle Will explained it to me. I think it is a good representation of the lack of humility and feelings of entitlement." Liam said, recalling the long conversation he had had with Will concerning the painting.

A woman that was standing nearby looked over at them and smiled. "Your son is adorable."

"Oh, he's—." Adam began.

"Thank you," Liam interrupted. "Let's go this way," he said tugging at Adam's hand.

"You didn't have to say that." Adam said once they had exited the room.

"What? About you being my father? It's okay, I just wanted you to have a moment—that moment. You'll be a great dad one day."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely. Let's go find the impressionists room," Liam said taking off towards the stairs.

"The kid was right, the place is a maze. But it was somewhat entertaining. I'm a bit put off that he seemed to enjoy it more than I did." Adam explained to Jay once they got back.

Jay laughed. "His mother exposed him to a lot and Will tries to do the same thing."

"He's a good kid. I always have a great time with him."

"He didn't disappear this time did he?"

"Just for a second," Adam admitted. "What's that?" He asked looking at the mosaic that was now hanging on the wall underneath the picture of Jay and Liam in their matching shirts that had been taken before Christmas.

"That was our project from yesterday." Jay explained the origin of the plate and how it had gotten broken.

"Genius," Adam said looking at it.

"Our lives were shattered, but we picked up the pieces."

"Hmmm. Guess your kid does get some of his smarts from you," Adam joked.

"Ha," Jay said in mock laughter. "We picked out a picture frame, slapped some kind of cement on there and stuck the pieces of the plate on there. We had to break up the pieces further. Here's a tip—give him a wide berth when he's wielding a hammer."

"Well, it came out great."

"Hey, how are you and Kim?" Jay asked.

"Actually, I'm not sure. I can't seem to get anything right. I know she's going through hell, but no matter what I seem to choose to do or say seems to be wrong.

"What's fatherhood like?" Adam asked.

Jay took a deep breath in before he answered. "Terrifying. I was terrified when I found I was going to be a father. I was terrified when I saw Liam for the first time. I was absolutely terrified when I became a single father. I'm scared I'll lose him, I'm equally as scared that he'll lose me. I'm also scared that despite my best efforts I'm not doing a good enough job."

"Wow, you make it sound so appealing."

"Sorry, it's a rollercoaster ride for sure. I didn't ask for it, or plan on it, but I would never give it up."

"You're doing a great job. He's an awesome kid."

"Yeah, well, I'm just not sure how much of that has to do with me." Jay said with a weak smile.

"Uncle Adam, come help me," Liam called out from his bedroom. "I have to put the tilt windows in and you get to help me because I put most of it together without you," he explained having worked on the Hancock Lego building that Adam had given him months earlier.

"Wow, what a nice job. Have you been to the tilt windows yet?"

"No. Not yet. Maybe soon though," he said as Jay hovered in the doorway.

Jay carried an empty smile with him to watch his friend and his son work on the Lego building. All too often he focused on his failures and the fact that he still hadn't gotten his son to the one thing he had been asking about for a year. He wondered just how far he would have drifted if it had not been for his son's existence. Would the PTSD, the daily grind, and his life in general have worn him down? Or cause him to lose so much of himself that he would have ceased to truly exist. He knew Will had told him once that Liam was his son and not an anchor, but Jay thought that the boy filled both roles quite well.

Two nights later Jay came home after ten and was exhausted. It had been a long and brutal day that had him dealing with two dead innocents and the offender in the wind despite their best efforts and determination to find them.

"Hey there," Ellie whispered as she turned the TV off. "Long day?"

"Yeah," Jay said tossing his keys on the table by the door. He hung his coat up and looked towards Liam's room. "He go down okay?"

"Fine. He left this for you," she said flipping the blanket off of her lap and picking up the bracelet from the coffee table.

Jay sat down next to Ellie and took the bracelet. It was black and blue, woven together much like Kim's bracelet. But instead of beads that held the moon and stars it held the numbers two and one snuggled up together to create twenty-one.

"He worked on it the last three nights. He wanted to get it perfect. He was going to put Dad on it, but then figured that wouldn't be a good idea if you were undercover. He almost put 5021 George." she said speaking of Jay's handle while on duty, "but didn't for the same reason. But he thought twenty-one would be okay. It represents the district and you can always say it's your lucky number. And," she said before hesitating, "he said the two represented you and him, and the one was for Emma."

Jay held the creation in his hand and just looked at it, admiring its craftsmanship and thinking about Ellie had just told him. "He did this all by himself?"

"Every bit of it." Ellie assured.

"It's fantastic."

"It's made from love. Do you want me to help you put it on?"

"Absolutely. And grab the scissors, this isn't coming off any time soon."

"Will do boss, will do." She said as she began to drape it over Jay's wrist.

Jay closed the door behind Ellie as she left to go back to her apartment. He looked down at his wrist that held a very precious gift from his son. His son, who still hadn't given up on him. His son, who used the time that they should have together instead of being separated by Jay's commitment to work, to weave a testament of his love.

He walked over and opened Liam's bedroom door and looked at the sleeping form of his son. He felt like he should do something—something his father would have never done. Wake his son up and do what? Go out clubbing? Run around the apartment? Jump on the bed? Have a movie marathon? Nothing sounded or seemed right, but neither was not seeing your child day after day. And most definitely not receiving a personalized gift from that child when you finally did manage to find your way home. His son had given him something, he needed to return the favor, he just wasn't yet sure how.

_Soundtrack: Time in a bottle by Yungblud_


	32. Beyond the Fray

_I borrowed a scene from the episode of Intimate Violence._

**Beyond the Fray**

Jay kept peeking in the rearview mirror at Liam who was in the backseat, looking out the window into the darkness. He had picked him up from his drum lesson, and continued on to do a few errands. He had been thinking a lot about his last conversation with Dr. Charles. He had admitted to being proud of Liam and his actions, but he didn't share just how much. He looked back once again, to see Liam pull out his phone and begin to scroll through whatever entertained ten-year-old boys these days. He shook his head just a bit as a smile made its way to his face.

The thought of his son, doing what he had done, and done successfully made Jay extremely proud; his son was a little bad ass, a tiny dynamo. He was ten-years old and had been undercover twice in two distinctly different situations and been successful both times. No training, no briefing, just by the seat of his pants. He was smooth under fire, thought fast on his feet, and had the demeanor of a seasoned detective. And whether or not Jay would ever say it out loud; he was proud; chest swelling proud of his son. As much as it pained him, he could never tell Liam—he couldn't, it would only invite the boy to push the envelope even further. Life was difficult and dangerous enough without tempting fate. Perhaps it had only been beginners luck, but Jay was almost certain that it hadn't been; the kid was a natural.

But the question that kept coming back to him was why. Why did Liam feel the need to do what he did with the gang and drugs? He had heard what Dr. Charles thought and what Liam had said, but there hadn't been anything definitive. And why did he intervene at the park? Yes, it could have gone all wrong when Mandy had begun to walk over to talk to him, but what made Liam get up and do what he did? Most adults wouldn't have had the ability to interfere—to come up with a believable story with zero notice. And to act so calm while doing it. It was everything Jay was afraid of, as these reactions aren't often learned, they are gifted at birth.

How did they end up here? Why did he react to the situations in the manner that he had? Was it to get attention, to compete with the job for Jay's attention? He could still hear the doctors long list of past injuries ringing in his ears. All the times when his day had been interrupted by violence, the days where he tried to hide the pain both physical and emotional, from his co-workers, from his son, from himself. What were his priorities and is this what he wanted Liam to be a part of?

"Hey kid, put the phone down and tell me about your day?" Jay asked, looking back up at the mirror.

Liam turned the phone off and looked up at his father. "Nothing exciting. I did better on that piece for my upcoming drum solo. But Ben said I still need to work on it, my timing gets a little wonky in the middle."

"You'll get it, you always do."

"Justin Kirkland laughed so hard at lunch that milk squirted out of his nose." Liam offered as he thought back on his day.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It splashed on Missy McDonough and she didn't appreciate it very much. I gave her my napkin to clean it up."

"That was nice."

Liam shrugged. "I guess."

Just as Jay was going to say something, his phone rang. With Liam in the car he didn't answer it via the Bluetooth and held the phone up to his ear, while Liam fired his own phone back up to finish the game he had started earlier.

"Who was it?" Liam asked when Jay hung up.

"Hailey."

"Do you have to go back to work?"

"No. But we have to make a stop. It won't take long." Jay said turning the truck around.

"Where are we going?"

"Bridgeport, it's not that far, I'll just turn around and get back on Halstead."

"Too bad we don't live on Halstead, that'd be cool," Liam said.

"Yes it would," Jay agreed.

"Did Mom and I live in Bridgeport?"

"No, you guys lived in West Port."

"Oh. I forgot."

"You were only five—" Jay began, but left off the rest of the sentence indicating when she had left them.

Liam figured it wasn't good news when Hailey called, especially when Jay had answered it without using Bluetooth so Liam couldn't hear. But if he was allowed to go, it couldn't be too bad.

"Stay in the truck," Jay told his son as he pulled in front of the Sullivan house and hopped out. "I mean it Liam, stay here. Keep the doors locked, play on your phone, but stay here." Jay looked over at the house hoping the case that he had been dealing with all week wouldn't get out of hand. It had begun as a robbery that turned into a homicide and along with it a case of domestic violence.

Jay had tried to help the victim, Michelle Sullivan, by having her wear a wire to put her husband behind bars for his physical abuse, as much as his part in the robbery. But Michelle, despite her efforts in the beginning had failed to follow through and now Jay was scared at what he might find.

"Got it. But don't be too long okay?" Liam replied, looking at his father who was leaning inside the truck,waiting for a response.

"I won't be."

Liam watched as his father crept towards the house. It was dark outside but he could tell the door wasn't closed when his father got to it. Jay hesitated for a moment and then slid inside and out of Liam's view. He had no idea what was going on at this house, but knew there was potential for something big, and his heart started hammering. Jay had always been confident in his training, but was he really prepared for everything all the time?

Liam sat for a moment and pulled up a game on his phone and began to play as his father had instructed, but his heart was pounding just as hard as his fathers and it didn't take long before his gaze went back to the door, which was now wide open, the light spilling out into the darkness.

"Is he still here?" Jay asked Michelle, who was in a dazed heap on the floor.

"Yes." She said quietly, her voice sounding defeated.

"Your daughter?"

"She's at her cousins house."

"Let's go. We'll just leave, come with me." It took a moment, but she finally agreed. Jay was about to help her up, his eyes darting to the open door, when her husband and abuser, Shane came down the stairs and stood between them and the exit.

"What are you doing here? And where the hell do you think you're going with my wife?"

"We're leaving," Jay stated. "Both of us, and I suggest you get the hell out of our way."

"I don't think so," Shane replied causing Jay to threaten him to move or he would put him down.

Lion by Saint Mesa

Then Shane made his biggest mistake of the night in his attempt to throw a punch as it came right back at him. Jay easily took the man down and began to punch his face repeatedly. As each blow landed, Jay knew he needed to stop, but he couldn't, it was if his arm was disconnected and continued to pummel Shane independently. This man had caused so much grief, so much pain. He had to pay, he had to pay, and all men like him had to pay. Each and every bully had to pay as this man wore all of their faces. The bullies that hit their wives, hit their children, the bullies that used the workplace to have their fun, the bullies that torment as a sport, the bully that had hurt his son earlier that year at school. Somehow by beating this man to a pulp he would be making them all pay. He was so intent on his actions that he barely even heard it—the one word that would make him stop.

"Dad?" Liam said as he stood in the doorway.

Jay dropped his arm as he looked up at his son and then over at Michelle whose expression hadn't changed. "Take her to the truck." He instructed his son as he looked down at the battered and bruised man.

Liam looked across the room and then back at Jay. But he followed the instructions and guided Michelle out to the truck. Once she settled in the passenger seat he handed her a blanket from the back. "Here, to keep you warm. We always have it back here in the winter. Sometimes my dad has to pick me up late from somewhere and he puts it over me."

"Thank you," she said barely whispering. "I didn't, I didn't know that he was a father." She stammered.

"He doesn't usually tell people. Home life at home, work life at work." Except for now, Liam thought as he saw Jay walk out the front door of the house.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Liam."

"I have a daughter, her name is Tina."

"Well, for her sake, you don't need to ever come back here."

"You are definitely his son."

"I am," Liam agreed as Jay opened the truck door and climbed in.

After picking Tina up, and getting mother and daughter to the airport, Jay took Liam to Will's apartment. "Can he stay with you?"

"Sure. What's going on?" Will asked.

"A case, it's—well I hope it will be over tonight, but I just need him to be with you right now. Can you get him to school tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Of course. Is everything okay?"

"It's fine. It's just better—it's just better if he stays with you tonight. It's complicated—I had to—there was a call, he was supposed to stay in the truck."

"But he didn't?"

"No. He saw—I just can't really face him right now—be around him. It's me—it's on me."

"Okay. Take care of you. I'm happy to help." Will said with concern in his eyes.

"Thanks man."

"Where is he?" Will asked looking outside of his apartment door as he had noticed Liam wasn't standing next to his brother.

"By the elevator." Jay said looking down the hall at his son who was sitting by the elevator doors, his back against the wall, legs sticking straight out in front of him. "Come here buddy," he said waving to his son. Liam got up and walked to his father and uncle. "You're going to hang out with Uncle Will tonight and he will get you to school tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow night okay?"

"Sure," Liam said and walked past Jay and Will into the apartment, distracted and disconnected.

"Hey, come here," Jay called Liam back. He squatted down and looked at his son who was looking down towards the floor. "I love you kid, you know that right?"

"Yeah," Liam said quietly, still looking down.

"Be good for Uncle Will and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," Liam replied.

Jay reached over and pulled his son close for a hug and then stood up with him in his arms. "Be good," he whispered before he set him down and turned and left.

"What was that about?" Will asked as he watched his nephew crash on the couch.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No, just said it was a case and it was better if you were with me tonight." 

"He beat the crap out of a guy."

"With you there?"

"It was an unexpected stop. And I was supposed to stay in the truck."

"Why didn't you?"

"I was worried."

"Liam, he often walks into unknown situations. You needed to do what he told you."

"I know. I figured that's why I'm here."

Jay drove for several blocks before he pulled over and tried to catch his breath. He knew he was so often guilty of pushing too hard, too fast, but that was a part of his job. But what it wasn't, was great parenting. Was this going to be Liam's fate? Jay subscribed to the theory of doing the wrong the thing, using the wrong method, but for the right reason. He was trying to right wrongs even if they seemed impossible, he wouldn't give up, because if he kept fighting they didn't seem so hopeless. But he was seeing these very same traits in his son, just like what happened tonight, interfering, not sitting, but doing. The kid might have very well saved Shane's life—Jay truly had no idea if he would have stopped hitting Shane if Liam hadn't called out to him. How had the boy known? But thank God he had. But was this the path he wanted his son to follow? But it was becoming more and more clear that it wasn't going to be Jay's decision to make.

God help anyone that ever wanted to hurt his son, but thinking about how Liam had disobeyed him and walked into an unknown situation—could he save his son from himself? His greatest fear was coming true before his eyes; Liam was just like him. Sometimes Jay felt as if he was drowning and pulling his son right down with him.

He was so glad that he had dropped Liam off at Will's, as his emotions were all over the place. He slammed his hands against the steering wheel as tears of anger and fear of the unknown fought their way to surface. His two worlds seemed to be merging and it felt as if he was powerless to stop it. His greatest fear was that something might happen to his son. He suddenly felt a kinship with his father and it took him completely by surprise. He always felt the burn of his father's love, but maybe that combustion was to teach and protect him from what was hot—but Jay had reached out and found the flames anyway and he had gotten burned—more than once. In fact he had gotten burned over and over, costing him so much. But he couldn't help himself, it was who he was, just as he had told Liam, he was a cop, it was who he was from the moment he woke up until sleep took him to the dreams that held him hostage during the night. But he still had regrets as he watched his son repeating the very same actions that so often brought Jay to the brink.

"Come on out here," Will said as Liam appeared from the bathroom with a pair of sweats and a t-shirt on. Jay made sure the boy had a couple of sets of clothes at the apartment for situations such as this or other emergencies when he needed to drop Liam off abruptly. "Come sit with me on the couch."

Liam did as he was told shuffling over to the couch, sitting down next to his uncle. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, but I would like to know what happened tonight."

So Liam explained all that he knew. "He just kept hitting the guy, even though he knew that he wasn't a threat anymore."

"Did that scare you?"

"Yeah. It was like he wasn't even aware he was doing it, that's why I called out to him. I mean, if he was a bad guy, he had to stop him, but he had stopped him. He was just so mad. Do you think he is mad at me?"

"I think he wishes that you had stayed in the truck, he didn't want you to possibly get hurt or worse."

"Or see what I saw."

"That too. But he might not have had control of the situation and then he would have had to worry about you too."

"But I worry about him. He almost died not that long ago. I can't lose him," Liam said as a sob suddenly slipped out.

"I know buddy, I got you, come here," Will said as he pulled Liam over and held him. I can't lose him either." He held his nephew for several minutes until he calmed back down. "Better?"

"Yeah, I guess," Liam said as Will got up and grabbed a few tissues for him from a nearby table and brought them back.

"I know it's scary when he is at work. But it's scary for him when he's not with you too. He worries about you."

"That's why I need to listen." Liam professed.

"Exactly," Will agreed. "Every time, not just some of the time. Which makes me ask you what were you doing that night in the hospital sneaking around?"

"You saw me?" Liam asked incredulously.

"A security guard saw you on the cameras and showed me. What were you doing?"

"I needed to find something."

"What?"

"The name of the woman who had shot my father." 

"Whoa dude. First of all how did you know it was a woman?"

"Me and Kyle kinda of overheard Sergeant Voight and Burgess talk to her. It was an accident, I swear." Liam said as Will reared his head back and shook it back and forth in disbelief.

"So, did you find anything out?"

"Yeah, her name was Angela Nelson and they let her go." Liam explained, holding down the temptation to divulge further information. The entire burden of knowledge had been weighing on him since the days in the hospital. He would look at his father and think of Angela and the words Kyle had dumped on her. He would think that she was still out there and could still very well be dangerous.

"Well, you don't know the whole story and your father does, so you need to leave the decision making to him. And quit eavesdropping. Haven't you found enough trouble with that?"

"Please don't tell my dad, please?" Liam repeated, his eyes looking frantic.

"I won't, but you have to promise me you'll drop any machinations of finding out anything further. You need to leave it all alone. Understood?"

"What's machinations?"

"Schemes. No more scheming, planning to find anything out. Leave it alone. And if you don't, then I will tell him everything; the eavesdropping, the sneaking around the hospital, the looking at files. It's illegal for medical non-personnel to see those, it's kind of a big deal so am I clear?"

"Deal," Liam said.

"I'm going to hold you to it," Will said, trying his best to look somewhat stern.

"Got it. Uncle Will?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Thanks," Liam replied as he snuggled in his uncle for a hug.

Will held his nephew tightly and felt the boy shudder with another sob and had feeling there was more to the story than he had just been told. He let Liam release his emotions before letting go and looking at him in the eye and encouraging him to tell him the whole story. Which he finally did.

Several nights later as Liam finished his homework and Jay bid Ellie farewell and chewed on his bottom lip as he thought about how he wanted to go about the discussion he was about to have with his son. Will had filled him in on everything and he taken a few days to digest it and make sense of it all before he spoke to Liam.

"Hey kiddo," Jay said as he walked into Liam's room. "Finish your homework?"

"Yeah. It was pretty easy."

"Good. Did you eat dinner?"

"Uh huh. Did you?"

"Yeah," Jay said thinking back to the Chicago Dog with sauerkraut that was rolling around in his gut. "We need to talk," he said as he sat down on Liam's bed.

"Uncle Will talked to you didn't he?"

"He did. Why didn't you tell me what you knew?"

"Because I didn't want to get into trouble," Liam said matter-of-factly.

"I understand that, but sometimes it's easier to be honest and deal with the repercussions than being all alone in your secret.

"So you knew who shot me all this time?"

"Yes. Angela Nelson. I was going for a walk and I heard Sergeant Voight and Kim talking to her."

"Is there anything you don't overhear?"

"Yeah. Lot's. But I heard that."

"And you found out her name by wandering all over the hospital?"

"I just needed to know. It wasn't really my plan. I wanted to stay in the hospital to be near you and then I thought about finding out who she was."

"If you hadn't eavesdropped, you wouldn't have had this weight on your shoulders."

"Was Marcus West innocent? Is that why she shot you? Is that why you let her go?" Liam asked ignoring Jay's comment.

"You know that I am not going to discuss a case with you. Decisions were made by those that needed to make them."

"But she shot you. I thought—that night—I was afraid—"

"What night?"

"The night at the house— when you went into that house. I thought it might be her house." Liam said speaking of the impromptu stop at the Sullivan household.

"Angela's?"

"Yeah. I thought she got you to come over and she was going to shoot you again."

"Oh buddy, she is out of my life."

"How do you know that? I mean, I think that you tried to help her and she almost killed you. She made you vulnerable," Liam said thinking back to a conversation with Kyle when the older boy had pointed that out. "You shot that guy in the restaurant because it was clear he was the bad guy, but it wasn't the same with Angela. Somehow you let your guard down and she got you."

Jay wasn't sure what to say. He was now aware that Liam knew quite a bit, but not nearly everything, and he wasn't sure how much more to tell him. "I did let my guard down. Her husband had been killed and it was a difficult time for her and her son and I wanted to help them."

"Why?"

"Because it was hard for them."

"Was he innocent? Is that why you wanted to help?"

"They were innocent and that's what mattered. I shared some facts with her that I shouldn't have and she got upset and reacted."

"That's why you didn't have your vest on, because you trusted her."

"Yes."

"You trusted Michelle too and what if her husband had had a gun."

"But he didn't."

"But he could have."

"Sometimes we just have to do the best we can to help others and hope it comes out alright."

"That's what I did, so you can't be mad at me for doing the same thing you did." Liam accused.

"But you're a child. You had no business tracking Angela down and definitely no business talking to her. Just like you had no business coming into the Sullivan's house, especially when I told you not to."

"But you're a cop and you still get hurt."

"And you're my child and I'm telling you that you shouldn't have done any of what you did, that night or in the hospital." Jay explained, trying to keep his voice even and his tone calm.

"I didn't do that much—not really."

"I spoke with Kyle, he told me everything." Jay explained.

"I left Kyle out of what I told Uncle Will, except for the first part when we overheard that it was her." Liam said, frustrated that his friend had been implicated despite his best efforts.

"I know you did. And it's admirable that you wanted to protect your friend, but we both had a pretty good feeling that Kyle was involved and he admitted to it."

"Now he's going to hate me," Liam said angrily.

"No he won't. He already told me as much. He was thinking about coming clean to me anyway. He said you had called and texted him a lot about it and he could tell it was hard for you to continue to deal with all of this on your own. So he was going to tell me what happened, he just had to tell his dad first."

"Does Captain Casey know?"

"Yes he does. And he's talked to Kyle. He asked if you were okay. Are you?"

Liam shrugged. "Better now I guess."

"It was hard holding onto all that wasn't it?"

"Kinda."

"I'm glad that you feel better."

"Sorry, but I'm going to do things because I care about you, just like you do things because you care about other people—people that you don't even know. At least I know you."

"I'm glad that you care about me. But you have to be careful and listen. Because I care a lot about you and if anything were to ever happen to you, it would hurt me more than any bullet. Do you understand that?"

Liam nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"Okay then," Jay said.

"But one day—"

"One day what?" Jay asked.

"One day, I'm going to be a cop and you won't be able to tell me what to do and I'm going to get the bad guys and you won't be able to stop me. I'm going to be like you."

"Why? Why be like me?"

"Cause you're the good guy. And because it was what I was meant for. I'm going to get a snack," Liam said as he headed towards the kitchen and Jay flopped back on the bed and blew out a mouth of air having no idea just how right his son was.

_Soundtrack:_

_Beyond the Fray by Cassandra Violet_

_Laura Marling Devils resting place_

_You're going to go far kid Offspring_


	33. Moments in Wonderland

Moments in Wonderland

"Sarge, I have to leave, Liam threw-up at school and I have to pick him up." Jay said as he walked into Hank's office.

"Oh, of course. Think you'll be out the rest of the day?"

"Yeah. I don't want to leave him with a sitter if I can stay with him today."

"Okay. Just try not to get sick."

"Right," Jay said. "Thanks." He turned and left only to come back a second later, leaning against the door frame. "Actually, that's a lie, he isn't sick." Jay confessed.

"He's not?" Voight asked as he looked back up from his paperwork, leaning back in his chair and bringing his hands together to form a steeple.

Jay sighed. "Do you remember a few months ago when you told me if I needed some time—as a parent?"

"I do," Hank said thinking of their discussion when he told Jay if ever need some time to let him know.

"I need it. The last couple of cases—well, I just need it. We need it—Liam and me."

"Then you had better take it." Hank said knowing that both shooting a man in front of his son, along with Liam witnessing the whole scene with Shane Sullivan had been difficult.

"Thanks Sarge."

At school Liam had been working on a history quiz when he was suddenly told to get his stuff and go to the office. The last time this had happened Adam had come to pick him up because his father had been shot. So, it was with great trepidation that he headed to his locker and gathered his books and coat. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest. His hands were shaking and beads of sweat formed on his upper lip as he walked towards the office. He tried to breathe calmly, in and out, in and out. His face was flushed and he felt as if he was on fire.

"Hey Lame," Alex called out using his tortuous nickname for the boy. He didn't come across Liam all that often, but when he did he made sure to get some digs in whether it be verbal or physical, especially since Dylan was no longer around. "Where you going?"

Liam ignored him and continued on his way.

"Your dad get shot again?"

Liam looked over at the boy, anger rising like the red line in a thermometer that had been dipped in boiling water. "How could you joke about something like that? What the hell is wrong with you?" Liam said, gritting his teeth so he didn't yell.

"Don't be so touchy. Jeez." He said reaching out and giving Liam a shove on his shoulder.

But something inside Liam snapped and he dropped his backpack and charged the larger boy, surprising him and knocking him to the ground where Liam kicked him in the ribs and then jumped on his torso. "Don't ever say my dad's name or talk about him ever again. Leave me and all of my friends alone."

"Okay, okay. Leave me alone you freak," Alex cried out, genuine fear in his voice.

"Typical bully. You can be mean, but as soon as someone hits back you cry." Liam said with determination as he stepped back, picked up his backpack, turned and went to see what awaited him.

Jay had heard voices in the hallway and slipped out just in time to see his son take out a kid much larger than him. He debated about intervening, but Liam not only had it all under control, he also knew when it was time to stop, something Jay had struggled with just days before.

"Dad!" Liam said when looked up. "You're okay!"

"I'm just fine." Jay said as he watched Alex get up and slink away after making eye contact with him.

"Is everyone else okay?"

"They are. They didn't tell you I was here?" Jay asked.

"No. They said I had to get my stuff and go to the office—the last time that happened—" but Liam couldn't finish his sentence.

"I'm sorry, but everything is fine."

"So why are you here? Don't you have to work?"

"I am here, because today is for you and me and a surprise." Jay said as he looked at his son, his face reflecting the promise of a good time.

"A surprise?" Liam asked as his eyes jumped and his face registered excitement at what possibilities might lie ahead.

"Let's go see what it is," Jay said winking at his son.

Jay pulled up to the first parking spot he could find even thought it meant they had to walk for several blocks to get to their destination.

"Where are we?" Liam asked looking around from inside the truck. He knew they were near the lake but beyond that, he didn't have a clue.

"Come on up here for a second," Jay said patting the seat next to him.

Liam shrugged, unbuckled and heaved his body over the seat and plopped down next to his father. "Are we here because I have to see another doctor?"

"No. Do you want it to be?"

"No. I'm fine. I really am. Is it because you dumped me at Uncle Will's when I didn't listen that night and everything that I knew about Angela Nelson?"

"I didn't dump you at Uncle Will's because you didn't listen to me." Jay said looking at his son.

"But you told me to stay in the truck."

"I did."

"But I didn't."

"No you didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you come into the house when I told you not to?"

"I was worried about you. Like I said the other night, I thought it was Angela's house. I saw you go in, you didn't have your gun out—you weren't ready like you were at the restaurant You had your gun behind you in your hand ready to shoot. But at the house—you just walked inside. I sat there for a minute, but the door was open so I got out of the truck and walked towards it and then I heard you talking and then a crash. I had my phone ready to call 911."

"Well, I'm not happy you came into the house, but that's not why I left you with Uncle Will."

"Then why?"

"I needed some time alone and because I was ashamed of what you saw."

"Why? That was a bad guy right?"

"He was."

"He beat up his wife right?"

"He did."

"Then why were you ashamed?"

"Because I should have just arrested him or just gotten Michelle out."

"But you had to stop him, he wouldn't let you leave," Liam argued.

"So you saw more than you first told me," Jay said.

"Yeah, I guess. I got there when he stepped in your way. He tried to hit you and you stopped him. And then you hit him."

"And I kept on hitting him. That's the part I have a problem with. If you hadn't said anything—well, I don't know if I would have stopped."

"I said something because I didn't know if you were going to stop either." Liam admitted. Jay nodded, tears threatening to form. "But I wasn't sure I wanted you to stop. I wasn't sad that the man you shot at the restaurant almost died or this guy was beaten up. They were bad guys or at least they were doing bad things. They can't do that. Somebody has to stop them. The bad guys can't keep winning. You stop them from winning."

"I try to. But I didn't want that man that I shot to die."

"But you didn't have a choice."

"No I don't suppose I did. But what you saw with Shane, I had him down, I should have stopped on my own, not because you called out."

"Did he ever stop? Did he stop when his wife had just one bruise or one cut?"

"But that's what makes me different from him and that's important. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"What did you mean when you said you felt safe because I didn't hesitate?"

"Because if you hesitate then you might die. Other innocent people might die. I don't want you to die. If you hadn't stopped that man in the restaurant, people could have died. If you hadn't stopped that husband, his wife could have died. You're the good guy dad—you are."

"You are smart kid you know that?" Jay said relieved that his son thought of him as the good guy even when Jay was questioning it.

Liam shrugged. "I remember when I was little, around five, right after Mom left. You took me to the playground and I pushed another kid because I wanted the swing or a turn on the slide, something like that. You came right over, made me apologize and then took me home. You told me that you wouldn't tolerate bullying."

"But, I'm afraid that I was the bully the other night."

"No. He started it and you stopped it. Hopefully he won't ever be a bully again."

"Well I certainly hope not."

"Maybe you should talk to a doctor," Liam suggested.

"Maybe I should. That kid that you knocked over in the hallway, has he bullied you?"

"You saw that?"

"I did."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Not by me. You know I've told you that you are free to defend yourself and will never get in trouble with me. So has he bothered you before?"

"Yeah. Dylan punched him to protect me."

"I think you can manage without him now."

"Am I bully? I mean he didn't hit me this time."

"No, you still defended yourself from him. And hopefully he isn't a bully anymore either."

"So why are we here?" Liam asked as he looked out the window.

"Well, let's go find out. Wait until I come around to get you," Jay said as he climbed out of the truck and went around and opened the truck door and let Liam jump out. "Tie your shoe," he said pointing to the laces that were on the ground.

He watched as Liam squatted down and began to tie. He wondered if he had been a bully the other night, punching Shane over and over—to prove what—that he could do it? Was he out of control? What about the punishment he had handed out to Liam when he had made the drug deal and argued with Jay about it? Was there a better way? He had thought about the long list of injuries that doctor had listed at his appointment, was he really putting his son first, by exposing his own body to the type of unknowns and dangers that resulted in constant harm while on duty. He felt torn between his obligation to the city and the obligation to his son.

"All done," Liam said popping back up. He then suddenly stepped forward and hugged Jay.

"What's this for?"

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you that night and came inside that house."

Jay got down on one knee and pulled his son close. "It's okay. You get a pass this time. But you have to listen to me okay?"

"I will. I promise. So where are we going?"

"Well let's go find out," Jay said as they began to walk towards North Michigan Avenue.

"Dad," Liam said as they stopped at an intersection.

"Yeah bud?"

"I was afraid you were shot again. When they told me to get my stuff and go to the office. And then Alex said what he did about you getting shot and I freaked out."

"I'm sorry. I told them to tell the teacher that I was the one to pick you up so you wouldn't worry. I guess that part got lost when the message was relayed. As you can see I'm just fine."

"And we're together," Liam said taking Jay's hand as the light changed and it was their turn to cross the street.

"Yes we are." Jay said looking down and smiling at this son.

They walked another few blocks when Jay stopped them in their tracks and asked. "Where are we?"

Liam looked around. "I don't know. Chicago."

"Funny. Look around again. Look at the clues."

"The lake is over there." Liam said.

"Look at the building." Jay hinted.

"It looks like the Willis Tower but it's not in the right place. It's the Hancock Building," he gasped. "Are we going in?"

"Of course we are."

"Yay!" Liam said as he began to tug at his father's hand.

Being in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, the lines were short and it took very little time to get to the observation deck and the tilt windows, where they hung on tight and looked at their city from whole new angle. Jay felt it was much like the day he was trying to have—looking at his life from a different angle.

"That was great," Liam said once they were back down on the street.

"I promised you that we would go, I'm just sorry it took me so long to fulfill the promise."

"It's okay. You work hard."

Jay wasn't sure if hearing the reprieve from his son, was harder or easier on his ears. "How about lunch somewhere?"

"Yes please," Liam agreed.

Hours later as they got back home, Jay was exhausted from their afternoon. Work seemed a lot less active than spending a day with a ten year old. They had gotten lunch and then walked to Water Tower Place and hung out there for a while, window shopping at the one hundred stores the mall had to offer. Jay didn't think he'd ever get Liam out of the Lego store. Then a stop by the actual Water Tower that Liam always said reminded him of a sandcastle. Then they had to stop for a snack as they were both getting hungry again. Then it was the battle of rush hour traffic and finally home.

"I'm whipped," Jay said as they walked into the apartment. He turned on the lights and looked over at Liam noticing a sad look on his son's face. "What's wrong? Didn't you have fun today?"

"I did." Liam mumbled.

"Then why the face?"

"I'm sad because we had fun," Liam explained, leaving Jay confused.

"I'm not following," Jay said.

"Today was special, something we never do, just like when we went to St. Louis. I just don't want it to end."

"I know buddy, but if we did it all the time, then it wouldn't be special would it?"

"I guess not," Liam said looking down.

"I know I work a lot, but I promise you that I will try and do better about having more special time together. Okay?"

"Okay," Liam said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I know, I'm not so great about promises, but we did finally get to the Hancock building."

"I know," Liam replied trying to smile.

"How about we order some take out. Do you want Italian? Chinese? Thai?"

"Thai. My usual order," Liam said before disappearing into the bathroom.

Jay placed the order and and fell onto the couch and as he sat he felt something underneath him and tugged out a book. "What's this?" He asked as Liam appeared.

"My book," Liam replied looking at the paperback in his father's hand.

"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," he read thinking back to the bookmark he had found with Emma's personal message on it about bonding through reading.

"It's the one Mandy gave me. She said I could keep it. I've read it already."

"Was it good?"

"It was—it was weird and crazy."

"Well I can definitely identify with that," Jay agreed. "Would you be willing to read it again?"

"Sure," Liam said jumping over to the couch, landing next to his father.

"Okay. How about I read a few pages, then you read a few pages?"

"Okay."

"Who should start?"

"You start," Liam replied.

"Okay then," Jay said opening up the book. _**"Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, `and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice `without pictures or conversation?'"**_

As the words were said, Liam snuggled closer to his father.

_Soundtrack:_

_Wind by Cat Stevens_


	34. Because What You Do Matters I

The end has finally come. I hope that you have enjoyed following Jay and Liam around as they lived their lives. It has been a great learning experience for me and I hope that each story I complete is better than the last. I do appreciate all of you that have been reading and grateful for the reviews.

What follows was not the original ending, but after hearing the song Willow Tree March by the Paper Kites, my mind just followed another path. This is a short chapter and I will upload the much longer original ending momentarily. If this one leaves you unsettled, I recommend that you dive right into the next offering.

The beginning of both options is the exact same, so don't begin to read the second ending and believe it is the same one. After the first page or so it will diverge into a completely different direction.

At the end of the second ending I will make a proposition to you all and I hope you give it some consideration.

P.S. I am already working on a few bonus chapters that just didn't fit into the body of the story.

Because What You Do Matters

_Liam cleared his throat, as he looked out into the auditorium. The audience was slowly filling and he noticed that Ellie, Mandy, and Mandy's new boyfriend Rick, were in the front row, but his dad wasn't. He hopped down and walked over to them. "I'm going last so maybe—maybe everybody will be here."_

"_I'm sure they will be. But if not, we'll both be recording it." Ellie said looking over at Mandy who had her phone in her lap._

"_You know everyone is trying to get here," Mandy encouraged. "You're going to do great!"_

_Liam nodded and went back up the stage steps and behind the curtain where his teacher breathed a sigh of relief at his reappearance. She had him go further backstage and wait for his turn to read his essay._

_The assignment had been to write about sharing. To discourage cheating, the student was only allowed to work on it during school hours. Each grade from fifth to eighth chose the top two essay's submitted and those students were reading their essay tonight at an assembly. Then the essays would be entered into a citywide competition. Liam's was one of those chosen. He had worked so hard on his offering, taking his study time to etch out each paragraph, erase it and start all over again. He was constantly poring over the dictionary and the thesaurus until he found just the right word. And his efforts had produced something worthy of a ribbon and an assembly appearance._

_Once it was his turn, Liam only focused on getting the words out in a slow and steady pace. The lights didn't allow him to see much of the audience and for that he was grateful. He cleared his throat and began._

_Sharing. We all have different ideas of what we share and how we share it. Some people love to share while others don't. For me I guess it depends what I have to share, because some things are harder to share than others._

_I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I don't have to share a room or my stuff or clothes. But I do have to share something. And he is the hardest thing ever for me to share. It's hard, because it's not like sharing a piece of pie, or pizza or something that can be cut up like a loaf of bread. _

_Most kids just have to share their parent with their other parent or with their siblings, but I have to share my father with the whole city of Chicago. I hate that I have to. I would worry every day that he would get hurt or worse. He's been shot, more than once. He's come home beat up and bruised. He's come home with anger and pain in his eyes. I have to share him with violence and victims. I have to share him with loss and devastation and even occasionally with victory. He has to share so much of his soul and by doing so I have to lose a part of him to the city we both love. But sometimes I would just feel so empty when I was home without him or like now, when once again he isn't here. Sharing is hard and caring is hard. But because my dad does care, I have to share him. But even though it is hard, I do it because I have to. _

_I know that the world is bigger than just me and just him. It is as big as this room and bigger. It is as big as the street and bigger. It is as big as the city and bigger. And it is full of people, some good, some bad. My dad is one of the good ones and he has to step up to show that goodness still exists. That there are people that will let go of themselves and the ones that they love to help others, to help the greater good. _

_My mom used to always ask what are you meant for? What are we meant for? What are we meant to do with our lives and why should we do it. Why do they do it? The first responder's get up everyday and fight for what is right. Why? Because it matters. They sacrifice their time working late. Why? Because it matters. They miss those they love. Why? Because it matters. They stay strong when everyone around them falters. Why? Because it matters. They endure pain, fear, discomfort and the unknown. Why? Because it matters. They try and fix what's broken. Why? Because it matters. They risk their lives. They lose their lives. They give until they have nothing left to share. Why? Because it matters. I share my dad. Because it matters. Because what I do matters. Because what he does matters. Because what we all do matters. Because it was what we were meant for. _

ALTERNATE ENDING

"Reading that essay was the hardest thing I had ever done. I kept looking for you, but you weren't there—I even pretended that you were—that I ran out into the audience after I was done—that I jumped into your arms and you caught me. I would always pretend you were there when you weren't—and you never were. I wrote that essay, like everything was still normal. The present tense.

"I did my best every single day to make you proud—I guess I did okay. I never got arrested, did drugs or drink—much. I kept my grades up and here I am off to college. I am sorry about leaving town, but I need to leave the city—at least for now. Don't worry though, Chicago will always be my home—besides you're here—you'll always be here. I could never leave you.

"I tried so hard Dad—so damn hard. Every day—the struggles—the impossible mountains that I had to climb. I've told you about so many—about how I would pretend that you were with me, all the things that I went through—I pictured you there just so I could get through it. But now I'll be on my own. I'll be back and I'll come visit you. I promise." Liam finished as he stood up and brushed the grass and dirt from his pants. He put his hand on top of the tombstone and let it rest there for a moment as Will looked on, dealing with his own emotions. He then went back down to his knees and leaned in and kissed the picture that had been embedded in Jay's headstone, it was the last one taken of father and son together, one week before Angela Nelson's bullet had caused irreparable damage that Jay couldn't recover from. "I love you Dad. Oh, I almost forgot—I brought this," he said pulling a matchbox car from his pocket. "You always had this one in your desk for me to play with when I would visit you at the district. I think it's time for you to have it now." He said as he put at the base of the granite monument.

"You're sure?" Will asked as he walked over.

"Yeah. It's time," Liam said. Will nodded and pulled his nephew close as they both looked at Jay's final memorial. " Can I have a few more minutes?"

"Of course. I'll meet you at the car," Will said, taking one last look at his brother's final resting place.

Liam stood and stared at the picture that held so many memories. He recalled putting his hand through the glass window at the hospital when he had heard that Jay hadn't survived. He had missed his dad so much, that he hadn't lied when he said he pretended Jay was with him all those years. He had even fantasized about going undercover to be closer to his memory. His fantasies of creating Jay included events that he had with every member of the team as it had been Kevin with him at the restaurant when the offender came in to rob the place. Kevin had protected him and shot the man after stowing Liam under the table. It had been Kim who helped him create something new with the plate that Liam had smashed and then smashed again after Jay had died. It had been Adam that took him to the Hancock building and the tilt windows. Will had fought off his date to get back to his nephew by the morning. Hank who had repeatedly punched Shane that night when they went to check on Michelle after taking Liam to an evening at the planetarium. Hailey, who took him to the library and Will that read with him. But in each situation, Liam had willed himself to believe it was Jay each and every time. He had done it to keep his memory alive, he had done it to keep himself sane, to keep himself in the present. The sessions with Dr. Charles had been to help him cope with his loss, the pain often coming in nearly unbearable waves. The other sessions had been for Will, to help cope with his loss and newfound responsibility. The relentless anxiety that he would never be a good enough replacement for his lost brother.

But the team had rallied around Liam, just as Adam had said they would. Weeks, months, years went by, but never did they turn away from the young Halstead. They kept him close and pulled him even closer when he would begin to pull away, spiral—missing his father from the very center of his soul. The crushing weight of his loss threatening to turn him to dust. They were there for sporting events, trips, museums, school activities and driving lessons. It had been their arms he jumped into when he had pitched a perfect game a month go. It had been their hugs of congratulations when he was accepted to his first choice of colleges. It had been the team—team Halstead who had all chaperoned the recent Senior Prom. It had been the same team who had clapped loudly when Liam graduated from High School. And it would be the very same team that would clap and cheer when he crossed the stage in four more years as they would one more time when he graduated from the Police Academy. It had taken a village, and in the end, that village had done an amazing job; one Jay would be pretty damn proud of. It was almost as if it was what they were meant for.

_Soundtrack: Paper Kites Willow Tree March_

_Stand by Me Ki Theory_

_Hell or High water Billy Raffoul_

_Now that you feel you've been punched in the gut and perhaps fought off a tear or two...read the next ending, maybe it will help ease this loss._


	35. Because What You Do Matters II

Remember that the first page or so is the same set-up, but the rest will be very different. Be sure to read to the end and check out my offer.

Because What You Do Matters

_Liam cleared his throat, as he looked out into the auditorium. The audience was slowly filling and he noticed that Ellie, Mandy, and Mandy's new boyfriend Rick, were in the front row, but his dad wasn't. He hopped down and walked over to them. "I'm going last so maybe—maybe everybody will be here."_

"_I'm sure they will be. But if not, we'll both be recording it." Ellie said looking over at Mandy who had her phone in her lap._

"_You know everyone is trying to get here," Mandy encouraged. "You're going to do great!"_

_Liam nodded and went back up the stage steps and behind the curtain where his teacher breathed a sigh of relief at his reappearance. She had him go further backstage and wait for his turn to read his essay._

_The assignment had been to write about sharing. To discourage cheating, the student was only allowed to work on it during school hours. Each grade from fifth to eighth chose the top two essay's submitted and those students were reading their essay tonight at an assembly. Then the essays would be entered into a citywide competition. Liam's was one of those chosen. He had worked so hard on his offering, taking his study time to etch out each paragraph, erase it and start all over again. He was constantly poring over the dictionary and the thesaurus until he found just the right word. And his efforts had produced something worthy of a ribbon and an assembly appearance._

_Once it was his turn, Liam only focused on getting the words out in a slow and steady pace. The lights didn't allow him to see much of the audience and for that he was grateful. He cleared his throat and began._

_Sharing. We all have different ideas of what we share and how we share it. Some people love to share while others don't. For me I guess it depends what I have to share, because some things are harder to share than others._

_I don't have any brothers or sisters, so I don't have to share a room or my stuff or clothes. But I do have to share something. And he is the hardest thing ever for me to share. It's hard, because it's not like sharing a piece of pie, or pizza or something that can be cut up like a loaf of bread. _

_Most kids just have to share their parent with their other parent or with their siblings, but I have to share my father with the whole city of Chicago. I hate that I have to. I would worry every day that he would get hurt or worse. He's been shot, more than once. He's come home beat up and bruised. He's come home with anger and pain in his eyes. I have to share him with violence and victims. I have to share him with loss and devastation and even occasionally with victory. He has to share so much of his soul and by doing so I have to lose a part of him to the city we both love. But sometimes I would just feel so empty when I was home without him or like now, when once again he isn't here. Sharing is hard and caring is hard. But because my dad does care, I have to share him. But even though it is hard, I do it because I have to. _

_I know that the world is bigger than just me and just him. It is as big as this room and bigger. It is as big as the street and bigger. It is as big as the city and bigger. And it is full of people, some good, some bad. My dad is one of the good ones and he has to step up to show that goodness still exists. That there are people that will let go of themselves and the ones that they love to help others, to help the greater good. _

_My mom used to always ask what are you meant for? What are we meant for? What are we meant to do with our lives and why should we do it. Why do they do it? The first responder's get up everyday and fight for what is right. Why? Because it matters. They sacrifice their time working late. Why? Because it matters. They miss those they love. Why? Because it matters. They stay strong when everyone around them falters. Why? Because it matters. They endure pain, fear, discomfort and the unknown. Why? Because it matters. They try and fix what's broken. Why? Because it matters. They risk their lives. They lose their lives. They give until they have nothing left to share. Why? Because it matters. I share my dad. Because it matters. Because what I do matters. Because what he does matters. Because what we all do matters. Because it was what we were meant for. _

ORIGINAL ENDING

Jay sat back and smiled. "I remember that night. I drove like a maniac, lights going, to try and get there in time. I was so sure that I had missed it, but I got there just as you took the stage—I wasn't sure if you could see me or not."

"No, not until I was done and stepped to the edge of the stage. The lights made it hard to see. I could see a shape standing there but not much else, but then as I walked forward there you were—and the rest of the team too."

"Yeah, they didn't want to miss it either. We all busted our asses to get there."

"Then I jumped into your arms," Liam said smiling at the memory.

"And I actually caught you," Jay said as he smiled almost feeling the impact of his son's ten year old body.

"That was such a beautiful story. You two had such an amazing relationship. A strong bond." A voice proclaimed from the other room.

"Okay," Jay said putting his hand on Liam's shoulder, "do you know your background info."

"Yes father, this isn't the first time I've been undercover," Liam said, still wearing his smile, but losing it as he thought of the night ahead.

"I know, but I'll be with you and I'm not going down because you forgot what your high school mascot was." Jay said lightheartedly.

"Yeah, yeah. How many set-up's work this perfectly. I mean a father and son team of drug dealers. It was made for us."

Jay looked at his son with pride in his eyes. Liam was a member of the SWAT team and often went undercover and clearly had an affinity for it. He had started right out of the gate barely out of the academy when he began to go undercover in the high schools, his youthful appearance allowing him to fall right into the teen scene without question. Now when he wore occasional facial hair he could actual pass for an actual adult. It was quite clear that the apple did not fall from the tree something Jay had always feared. "How did you get to be twenty-five." Jay asked.

"Same way you got to be fifty. So you ready to do this old man," Liam asked with the same joking tone Jay had used.

Liam had graduated from college and was immediately accepted into the police academy. In-between his uncover assignments he was a patrol officer and enjoyed working the different neighborhoods and forging relationships with its inhabitants. But he went where he was needed, going back to school more times than he cared to remember and eventually moved on to college—again, working all kinds of angles as an undercover officer. SWAT found him to be a great asset, with his intensity and ability to flow with whatever changed around him. They also knew Jay's record and abilities—and no the apple didn't fall from the tree. Now, at twenty-five, Liam was nearly a seasoned veteran with an impressive resume even though he only had three years to his name.

They had gone undercover together twice before. Jay impressed at his son's ability to stay calm, even when a gun was pointed right at him or another person. He never wavered, never missed a beat, never gave into fear. Jay remembered his own first assignments, charades of deception, a game of convincing and conviction. He had thought he was pretty good at, then he witnessed his son and his power to deceive sent a shiver down his spine. He eased into the role as a seasoned actor picked up a script and gave an Oscar winning performance with minimal effort. None of this came a shock, Liam had showed his penchant for deception when he was a child, it had come easy to him then, it seemed to be even easier to him now. It made Jay proud, it also made him terrified.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had lunch with uncle Liam a couple of days ago. He was able to get his work visa renewed. He said he was glad he listened to you and got it done when he did. He was also grateful that he listened to you when you advised him not to hang out at the pub in Dublin." Liam said as he turned towards the other room.

"Yeah, or he would have died with other ninety-nine percent of my family." Emma said with a hint of sadness as she fully entered the room.

"But their deaths brought you back to us," Jay said as he thought of the irony of death giving back life.

"And now I can worry about my husband the detective and my son the undercover SWAT team member."

"I worried for years, all alone," Liam said quietly as he looked at the floor.

"I know, I'm so sorry. I wanted to come back, you know that." Emma said with lament, her eyes filling with moisture.

"Not tonight son," Jay said just as quietly. The past could still be raw for his son just as it could be for him.

"You're right. I'm sorry." Liam whispered the pain evident in his eyes.

Emma had stayed gone for years, out of necessity. She had walked into the ocean with every intent to die, only a child that called out to her had stopped her. She turned to find the source of the questioning shout to see a boy standing on the shore wearing a dragonfly t-shirt. She realized it must have been a sign that she couldn't give up, not then, not ever. It was hard, as life was always somewhere else, but she had to try and make her own wherever she stood.

Years later, she got word that the unheeded advice to her family had caused their deaths. It was reported that a rival family had rushed the pub where her entire family, sans Liam, gathered and mowed them down like fish in a barrel. The night had started with the James family being something to be revered, reviled and exalted. By the end of the night, they were all dead and Emma was free.

"We have to go. We can't be late." Liam proclaimed

"We're drug dealers, they're always late." Jay reminded, but understanding his eagerness, something he had often felt in his early years.

"My men, the drug dealers," Emma said looking at her son. She knew that his love ran deep but so did his feelings of betrayal and rejection and she simply had no answers for him. She loved him so much and he understood that, but getting through each layer of his past that hadn't contained her presence was still difficult for him.

She had come back as soon as possible, but by then, Liam was in college, an adult. He had grown up without her. They could never get the time back. She fully expected Jay to be married, or at the very least in a committed relationship, but he wasn't. He worked too much, took risks in his job that were hard to understand by most civilians and in his spare time worried about their son in a way that only a parent could. She could also tell the frustrations, constant worry had given them a bond that had only strengthened over the years. A love not to be denied or dismissed, a bond forged through her abandonment.

"Well, you can't leave. You haven't opened your birthday presents yet." Emma declared.

"I'll be here for Sunday dinner," Liam promised. It was a day that she cherished. They would often talk about Liam's adventures as a child and Emma could drink in what she had missed.

"Yes you will, but today is your actual birthday and we have something for you," Emma said.

"We have presents," the twins chorused as they charged in, each with a wrapped box.

Liam had saved Jenna and Josh, as they had eventually come to be known, when he had gone undercover nearly a year before to break up a child sex trafficking ring. He had gone in with the intent to meet the players and get an idea of the system they used to procure the children and try to sweep up as many offenders as he could get. By the end of the meeting he had "purchased" a seven year old girl, who was so terrified that she wet herself when they brought her out to him. When her handler smacked her for her lack of bladder control Liam had barely contained himself. He kept up his undercover persona, but told the abuser through gritted teeth, that since she was now his property, if he touched her again, he would kill him, that he liked his merchandise unmarked. Attempting to continue the dialogue to find out more concerning the operation he learned she had a twin brother still housed in the building. It took minimal effort to convince them he had eclectic tastes and would love to "enjoy" a young boy as well. He persuaded them he had more money in his car and as he carried Jenna in one arm, who had gone limp and nearly catatonic and held Josh's hand who, due to abuse he had endured, submitted nearly as easily as his sister had. The escort had allowed Liam to put Jenna in the BMW he had driven to the site since she had been technically paid for. But that left Josh standing between Liam and the bodyguard, his eyes staring into the distant darkness. Liam knew that back-up was still waiting on his safe word but he was too concerned about the kids getting caught up in the crossfire to let go of the situation yet. He opened up the trunk which didn't have any money, but it did have a tire iron that Liam grabbed and as he shoved Josh out of the way he managed to get a good hit to the man's arm sending the gun skittering away. His hand to hand combat training took over and he had the man down in no time. He pulled cuffs from the trunk and locked the man up to the nearby fence post and said the safe word into his wire as he scooped up Josh and shoved him in the car, and took off as fast as the engine would allow.

Liam's mind was racing faster than the car. This was not his first undercover operation, far from it, but this one had been so visceral and gut wrenching that he couldn't quite wrap his head around it. He now understood why his father had become so twisted up when it came to cases that involved children. The vacant eyes his father would bring home would tell Liam all he needed to know about the man's day and now as he glanced in the rearview mirror he saw those same vacant eyes staring back at him, it was almost as if the children were hollowed out shells, and he realized that perhaps they were. Tragedy, and unspeakable acts, often emptied you whether you were the victim or the rescuer.

He kept driving, the darkness surrounding them like a weighted blanket, thick and unyielding. He realized that he was driving too fast and suddenly wasn't sure where he was. He had wanted to drive so fast and so far that somehow he could outrun the kids past, make them forget all that had been done to them. But he pulled over into an empty parking lot by a beat up convenience store. He took a moment to catch his breath. He had called in for back-up at the scene and was supposed to be taking the kids to the hospital to be checked out and have social services get involved, but somehow he just couldn't move. He had been flying to get out of there, but suddenly, he had been enveloped by inertia. He looked back at the kids, the girl staring at nothing while the boy looked at him.

"Where are we?" His small voice asked, his voice trembling.

Liam looked around, uncertain. "I think we're somewhere in Humboldt Park," Liam replied.

"Where is that?"

It was then Liam realized that these kids had no idea where they were, not the state, the city perhaps not even the country. How many times have they been bought and sold? Moved in the pitch of darkness from one set of evil circumstances to another.

"Chicago," Liam said gently. "It's in Illinois. Near Lake Michigan. It has lots of tall buildings, that reach far into the sky. When I was your age, my dad would take me downtown where I could look up and up and try to see the top of them."

"Is it time?" The boy asked as Liam looked at him, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"For what?" But instead of answering the boy began to take his shirt off and Liam realized what the youngster was expecting—waiting to happen. "No, no, keep your shirt on. I'm a police officer, a good guy. I just wanted to get you away from the bad people. I'm going to take you to the hospital and they are going to help you feel better. And then more people are going to talk to you and you can help us."

"Help you?"

"Help us find the bad guys that took you."

"How come you don't have a uniform and a gun?"

"Because it was a secret that I was a policeman. I had to pretend to be like them."

"But you're not? Like them?"

Liam unlocked the glove box and pushed his gun aside and pulled out his badge and turned back and gave it to the boy. "See, it's a star and it says I'm with the police."

"Oh," the boy said quietly as he turned it over in his hands as he recalled seeing something on TV where a man had a gun and a star and put people in jail. "Am I going to jail? They told us we weren't allowed to talk to the police because they would take us to jail."

"No, definitely not. But the men that were mean to you will. I promise you that they will."

"Okay. I'm thirsty." He said seemingly satisfied as he handed Liam his badge back.

Liam looked a bit surprised at the abrupt change in conversation. "Well, we can fix that," he said looking at the convenience store. He looked at the girl with concern, he didn't want to leave the kids in the car, but he was afraid she or both might have a meltdown if he took them inside. "Do you think you can come inside and pick out what you want?" He asked tentatively.

The boy nodded and looked at his sister. "She's wet."

"Yeah. It's okay. Will she be okay if I pick her up and carry her?"

The boy shrugged. "She's checked out. It's what she does, because she had to. But sometimes she cries and hits—some of them like that."

Liam inhaled sharply at what the boy had said. "What's your name?"

"I don't know. I can't remember. I've had lots of names, but—" he said drifting off.

"What would you like it to be?" Liam asked after he choked down that bit of information. The boy only shrugged. "When I was a kid—well even now, my dad calls me bud or buddy sometimes, would that be okay for now?"

"Sure." He agreed.

Liam looked at the boy and couldn't believe how engaging he was—almost normal, while his sister continued to wear nothing but a blank stare. But as he looked closer, he could still see the boys eyes held very little and that the conversation they had had was just on the surface—a survival tactic. He had given up, given in, seemingly accepting the possibility, that Liam, at anytime could turn and do whatever he wanted to this child and there wasn't a damn thing the tiny boy could do about it.

"Are you thirsty?" Liam asked the girl, but she remained mute. "What would you like your name to be?" She didn't even recognize that he had asked her a question. "Okay, I'm going to come around and unbuckle you and carry you inside that building and you can pick out whatever you want to eat or drink. Would that be okay?" But again there was no response. Liam blew out a mouthful of air as his phone rang, showing that his supervisor was calling. He let it go to voicemail as he climbed from the car and let 'Buddy' out, hoping that his presence would help ease what would happen next. He held onto Liam's hand as if a gust wind threatened to rip him away.

They went around to the other side of the car and opened the door where the little girl let Liam take her from the seatbelt and pick her up, not moving or even acknowledging his actions. They went inside where Buddy's hand clenched Liam's even harder. "Are you hungry?" Liam asked as the boy looked around at all the choices.

"Got your hands full," the clerk said.

"Yeah, don't suppose you carry any clothes do you?"

"Some t-shirts, souvenirs, the Willis Tower or The Navy Pier?" He said pointing towards a small rack that held several sizes of shirts from child to adult.

"Thanks," Liam replied as Buddy looked at the junk food and the hotdogs going around and around on the rack.

"What's that?" He asked pointing.

"Hotdogs. You don't want those, they'll make you sick." The clerk initially looked offended, but then seemed to shrug it off. "How about some potato chips and a slushie." Liam offered, knowing he wouldn't be able to tolerate the smell of a greasy hotdog in the car.

"What's a slushie?" He asked.

Liam quickly realized that these kids had been imprisoned so long that they knew next to nothing about the outside world. "It's basically sugar and ice. It's a treat, something you only get on special occasions."

"Like today?"

"Like today," Liam said as he walked over to the t-shirts. "Pick out some snacks for your sister too." In his arms the little girl began to twist in an effort to get down, Liam had no idea what to do, but he let her slip down to the ground, her pink sneakered feet hit the floor and she took a step towards the shirts and touched a pink one that boldly stated Navy Pier with the famous Centennial Wheel plastered on the front. "This one? Do you want to wear this one?"

He took it from the rack and held it up next to her and it went down past her knees. "Dress," she said so quietly, that he barely heard her.

"Yes, it can be a dress for you," he said. But then realized he had no idea how to get her changed.

Her brother sensing something came over with bags of snacks in his arms. "I can help her."

"There's a bathroom in the back, but you can't lock the door." Liam said, but before either one could do anything, the girl started to disrobe right there. "Um, not here sweetie, let's go back to the bathroom." Liam tried.

At first she ignored him, and when he picked her up she stiffened and began to retreat again. "You can be right here," he said putting her into the bathroom after yelling at the attendant for the code. "Do you want your brother to come in?" But instead of answering she just slammed the door behind her nearly taking Liam's foot off as he had stuck in there so she couldn't lock him out.

It took a few minutes of anxious waiting but finally she came out, her shoes untied, her hair in her face, but the shirt over her head and trailing down her thin body. "Dress," she said again.

"You're right, it's a Navy Pier dress. You wear it well." He picked her back up realizing that she must have left her wet clothes in the bathroom, he didn't want to worry about them, but they were evidence and he had to bring them along. "Let's get your old clothes in case you want them again."

"No!" she shrieked so loudly, Liam was surprised his ears didn't bleed. "Okay, okay. Let's pick out your drink then."

Liam was flying by the seat of his pants. He was around Kyle Casey's two daughters quite a bit, enough that they called him Uncle Liam, but they had a strong and loving foundation. He had no idea what to do or how to help these two damaged children.

Several minutes later they were back in the car, complete with two candy bars, two bags of chips, two slushie's and some licorice. Liam paid the clerk extra to get her clothes and put them in a paper bag. He had been forced to shove them in a small popcorn bags as it was the only type of paper they had. But plastic wasn't allowed for evidence as it could alter the results.

As the kids, now plied with edible treasures were distracted, Liam took a moment to call his supervisor and get him up to speed and inform him that they were now on the way to the hospital. His sergeant wasn't particularly happy about the pit-stop, but he did understand it. And once they got to Chicago Med the transition wasn't any easy one, even after he told them that Will was his uncle and would take great care of them.

Jenna, as she eventually decided her name to be, screamed as the medical staff tried to take her, clinging to Liam as if he was a life preserver. Josh, who picked his name the very next week, after his favorite nurse, wouldn't let go of Liam's belt, hanging on to the officer much like his sister did. It took all Liam had not to cry and make promises that he feared he could never be allowed to keep. Later, the psychiatrist stated that their world had been such a mess and so confusing that this was the first black and white event of their life for some time. Liam had taken them from the bad men and the bad place, hurt the bad man, and most of all hadn't touched them or hurt them as so many others had. He had given them the gift of food and drink and demanded nothing in return. This meant he was the good guy. And they weren't going to let him or his protection get away.

Liam struggled to understand the trauma the twins had endured for so long. He talked it out with Dr. Charles, who had retired but told Liam his door was always open for him. Liam learned that sometimes there is no answer to the question of why, and that is hard, but sometimes there are answers to the question of why and that can be even harder. He would have to decide which one this circumstance called for.

When Emma had returned she had gotten back to her world of helping others in need and discovered a foundation for underprivileged children and poured her heart and soul into it. When her work visa was threatened to be discontinued, she and Jay, who had been reconnecting, decided to do what they had been working towards for over twenty years and got married. The love evident in the faces of each other. The bright eyes and the even brighter smiles indicating that their relationship had always been more than was readily admitted to for years. And for the first time ever, they fell into each other's arms and never let go. They found a home within each others arms.

With her service to children evident and her pain at not raising Liam past the age of five, she convinced Jay that they should become foster parents. They were a great team; Jay understanding, but stern when needed, practiced in what to do when life was reduced to tantrums and fits, Emma compassionate, patient and steadfast.

When the twins needed a stable environment once they were evaluated and released after months of inpatient care, it was clear that the Halstead home was the best place for them to recover while attempts to find their parents continued.

It was truly the best they could hope for as Liam would remain in their life but they would be forced to bond with Jay and Emma. All attempts to find their parents had come up empty until two weeks ago, when Liam had been informed that they believed the twins had belonged to a woman named Denise Elliott from a small town in Nebraska. The twins had disappeared from in front of their school where they had been waiting to be picked up. It had been days before they had been reported missing and only because the school had finally gone to the police. Denise died of an overdose over a year ago and it was never known if she was too far gone to realize her kids were missing or if she was the one that had caused their disappearance—selling them for what she had loved more.

The twins original names were Dennis or Denny and Tabitha and they had been five when they disappeared. They had spent over two years being repeatedly traumatized.

With this news the adoption paperwork had already been started. There was a long way to go for these children, but the only chance they had was in this very home, with this very family.

"Presents?" Liam gasped as he looked at the twins. "For me?"

"Yes," Jenna giggled as she climbed in his lap. "Open mine first," she begged.

Liam smiled. Jenna had been doing so much better but she still struggled sharing him with anyone else and he knew extricating himself from the house was going to be hard now that she had latched onto him. More than once he had raced to the house when she simply wouldn't calm down despite the best efforts of his parents.

"Well, let's see what it is," he said as he opened the box to reveal a first edition of Charlotte's Web. "This was my favorite book when I was your age."

"It's an edition," she chorused.

"A first edition," Emma clarified.

"My mom would read this to me all the time," Liam said feeling the binding and carefully opening the book and touching the pages.

"Mine too," Josh stated walking over and leaning against Liam as Jenna pushed him away as if Liam was all hers and her brother posed a danger.

"Of course," Liam said shifting Jenna over. "Hold this for me please. Be very careful with it okay?" He told her, distracting her from having to share him. She nodded taking her job seriously. He took Josh's box and opened it to find a first edition of Alice in Wonderland.

"Wow. Dad and I read this book all the time."

"Every time we'd go down a rabbit hole," Jay mused.

"And that was often." Liam joked. "Thank you so much. I love them."

"Will you read them to me?" Jenna asked.

"Me too," Josh piped in.

"I will. And I'll read you my other favorites too. But right now I have to go to work."

"No," Jenna shrieked just as Liam feared.

"I'll be back on Sunday, I promise."

"You always promise, but sometimes you don't come."

"Sometimes I have to work," Liam explained as Jay's face struggled to remain passive as the memories welled up.

Jenna was already tearing up as Emma reached to take her. "No," she screamed out.

"Look at me," Liam said as he put her on the floor and knelt down. "I'll be back. I'll text you in the morning and I'll send you both a silly selfie. And Dad will be home later tonight. I need you to be a good girl for Mom so I hear a good report in the morning," Liam explained.

Jenna didn't cry, but ran off to her room without saying anything further. Josh looked over and gave a half smile. "Hey buddy. We'll read this weekend and play soccer too." Liam promised.

"Baseball?" He asked.

"Okay, baseball then." Liam agreed.

"Why do you have to go?" Jenna screamed as she reappeared.

"They have to get the bad guys," Josh said. "They have to save more people like us."

"Yes, we have to go get the bad guys," Jay replied as Liam had been struck mute by the emotions Josh's statement had caused.

"It's our job," Liam added, once he had recovered, his smile tight, his eyes fighting to stay dry.

"It's what they were meant for," Emma explained squatting down to his level. "It is what they were meant for." She nodded as she looked back up at her husband and son.

The End

As I said before, I am working on bonus chapters and will upload those in the coming weeks...but my offer to you as a reader is to let me know if you have any suggestions for me on something specific that I didn't cover. It can be anywhere from Jay's childhood to Liam as an adult. I can't guarantee success, but please know that I will consider any and all suggestions. If I can come up with a chapter, you will see it at some point in the future. You will just have to be patient as I only have limited time in which to write.

And again, thank you for reading.

_Soundtrack:_

_Zayde Wolf Heroes_

_No War Cari Cari _

_In Darkness we Trust by Deadly Circus Fire_

_Old Man by Neil Young_

_Praise you by Hannah Grace_


	36. Back in Time

I had a request for a chapter when Jay was a child. Since we are aware that Jay and his father didn't get along I though I'd focus on an event where Jay had to face consequences of his actions. It was hard to write Pat, as we never really met him or found much in particular about him. But, I gave it my best shot, writing him has stern, but caring deeply for his sons and wanting them prepared for the world that they would have to deal with as adults. And, after all, both Will and Jay turned out to be pretty good men, so I guess he must have done something right. I named Mrs. Halstead, Mary, since as far as I know she was never named on the show.

I have an idea for a chapter when Jay is in Afghanistan (another request) and will begin working on that one shortly, but also have other chapters nearly ready that include Liam at age five and as a teenager.

**Back In Time**

Thump! The ball smacked into the side of the house just inches from Pat Halstead's face. It was just rubber, that's all he would allow the boys to play with in the yard for this very reason. But he certainly didn't appreciate the near miss. "A little high and inside," he said looking at his youngest son. "If you expect your brother to catch it, you need to throw it where he can reach it."

"High and outside. The batter was on the other side," Jay amended.

"Well, he must be eight feet tall. You're letting go too soon, you have to follow through better." But Pat could tell Jay could care less what he said. It was so often like this between the two of them. He would talk and his son would ignore him. Some days, both of his sons would ignore him.

"I'm going to ride my bike Will said dropping his baseball glove on the ground."

"Hey, pick it up and put it away," Pat warned as Will doubled back to get his glove practically running into Jay who was in hot pursuit of his older brother.

"What are you doing?" Will asked as he tossed his glove on the shelf in the shed where they kept their bikes and lawn mower.

"Going with you," Jay replied.

"Why?" Will asked, clearly frustrated. But he took off, pedaling madly before his brother could answer.

Jay was ten and Will was nearly thirteen and getting tired of looking around and constantly seeing his little brother. He and Jay had always gotten along, but now that Will was reaching for the teenage years he was feeling dragged down by the nearly three years that separated him from his sibling.

Will had quite a few friends and was pretty popular, while Jay was more of a loner and had more acquaintances than actual friends. He was quiet and somewhat introspective and just didn't seem to quite fit into any particular group. So that meant he spent a lot of time tagging after his big brother. For a long time Will didn't mind, actually liked the admiration his brother gave him, but now it was beginning to wear a bit thin.

He pedaled fast but couldn't shake Jay as he rounded the corner. Their mother had yelled at them to be home by dark, something she said every single time they got on their bikes or left the yard to explore their Canaryville neighborhood. But it was already late and the sun would be setting in less than an hour so they needed to watch their time. Well, he needed to watch his, Jay needed to be responsible for himself. Will zig zagged around different blocks screeching to a halt as he saw Holly McAdams sitting on her front porch writing in a notebook. They were in some of same classes at St. Gabriel's.

"Hey Will Halstead," she said as she looked over to see who had stopped in front of her house. "What ya doin?"

"Just riding around," Will replied trying to act cool.

"Nice bike," she said looking at the shiny blue mountain bike that Will had gotten as an early birthday present. A growth spurt had made him feel like his twenty inch bike was much too small and his mother had convinced his father to make the purchase a few months early.

"Yeah, it's new."

"Who's that?" She asked nodding at Jay who had come to a halt on Will's old bike right behind him.

"My little brother," he said, his voice irritated and Jay immediately noticed he didn't even bother to tell the girl his name.

"Do you wanna hang out?" She asked. "My mom is making cookies. We can sit on the porch."

"Sure," Will said as he dismounted from his bike and started pushing it towards the house only to hear Jay doing the same thing. He turned around and glared at his brother. "Go ride somewhere."

"Where?"

"I don't know. I don't care. Just go! Go home, go somewhere without me," Will said through gritted teeth.

Jay watched his brother and the girl head up the house, quietly talking amongst themselves. He looked around and realized he had no idea where he was. He had simply followed Will's complex route and hadn't paid attention to which way they had gone. He knew they were several blocks away from home, but honestly wasn't sure which way home was.

He looked back at his brother, his back still to him and opened his mouth to tell him he didn't know how to get home, but decided he didn't want to give his brother any more ammunition to hurl at him about being a baby.

It had slipped out a few days before when some kid in the neighborhood had shoved Jay, who had just tried to ignore it and walk away, but Will had shaken his head and hissed that Jay was just being a baby. He had carried around that moment since then, wanting to show his brother that he wasn't a little kid, but so far had fared miserably.

He didn't care which way he went, he just wanted away from the little couple with their giggles and shooting glances, so his foot tapped the sidewalk and pushed off, riding down the street with little notice of his supposed chaperone. Jay pedaled and pedaled until he was a sweaty mess. The houses had whizzed by him, dogs barked, people stared at him from their yards and he nearly got hit by a car when he decided to cross the street. His mind and body were disconnected, leaving him in a confused fog. He was lost—so very lost.

He finally stomped his feet down, braking so hard that he left half the rubber from his tires on the sidewalk. He looked around and realized he had absolutely no idea where he was. Nothing looked familiar. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't give in—it didn't matter that Will wouldn't see him winning the fight, he wasn't going break. But as he looked around and noticed the world had gone dark around him and that he couldn't see the L tracks, he realized that his show of strength might be a bigger battle than he had originally thought.

"Is Jay still out in the yard?" Mary Halstead asked her eldest son as he banged through the back door.

"He's not here?" Will asked, clearly alarmed.

"I thought he was with you?" Mary asked, her face uncertain.

"He was," Will said before pausing to decide the best use of words that would not put him in too much trouble. "But he left. I was talking to a friend and then he was gone." Not a total lie, but not really the absolute truth either.

"He just left? That doesn't sound like him at all," Mary said as she absentmindedly twisted the dish towel in her hands.

"Who left?" Pat asked as he walked into the kitchen. Will tried to shrink into the corner, suddenly wishing he was invisible. "Who left? Where's Jay?" He asked again.

"Jay isn't home. He was with Will but left," Mary said.

"That doesn't sound like Jay," Pat said, knowing his youngest generally stuck with his brother. "Did you two have a fight?" He asked looking over at Will who was trying to hide next to the refrigerator.

"No." Will said looking down at the floor.

"You stay here in case he comes home," told his wife, "Will is going to show me where the last place he saw Jay and we'll find him. We'll all be home in no time." Pat assured.

Will's face looked as if he had just been offered a meal of sushi topped with sour cream. He swallowed and followed his father out the door and to the car.

"So, Jay just took off?"

"Yeah," Will said looking down at his lap.

"Where were you?" Pat asked as he put the car in gear and pulled out into the street.

"Two blocks up and two blocks over," Will instructed.

Pat followed his son's instructions and pulled up to the house that Will pointed out and instructed the boy to go ask if they had seen Jay come back that way. He sat and watch as his eldest son made his way up to the door and knock. He knew damn well that his youngest hadn't just charged off on his own. He stuck to his brother like glue and Pat suspected that Will had either dodged him or forced him to take off on his own. But, for now he was going to let it play out.

Will reappeared and got in the car. "Holly said she hadn't seen him."

"We're going to drive around for a bit, I need your eyes, so keep a lookout."

"Okay," Will replied.

"Okay?" Pat asked.

"Yes sir," Will responded as he quickly turned his head to stare out into the darkness part of him hoping they would find Jay quickly and the other part of him hoping for more time before the truth came out.

They drove around for over twenty minutes but hadn't caught sight of the youngest Halstead and Pat was hoping it was because he was already at home. He had to believe that he was, he had kept his emotions at bay with Will in the car. But inside his heart hadn't kept a regular beat since he had heard the kid had been unaccounted for.

They drove back home, Will not saying a word and Pat wasn't sure if his constant stare out the window was the least bit worthwhile. He could definitely feel that the truth hadn't been told, at least not in totality. But right now he wasn't going to worry about the details, he just needed to know that Jay was safe. But as soon as he pulled up to the curb and Mary came out on the small porch, still wearing a terrified look, he knew Jay hadn't come home.

"Is he with you?" She called out.

"No," Pat said standing by the car, his heart falling. "Will, I want you in your room and if you think of anything let your mom know. Mary," he yelled across the yard, "I'll find him. I promise."

Pat slammed the door, sealing himself back inside the car. He willed himself to stay calm and focused. He started back along the same route he had just taken with Will, circling out a block farther with each pass. He pulled over and asked a few pedestrians if they had seen anyone matching Jay's description as well as stopping at few of his own friends houses to ask if they had seen the boy in the area. But the answer had always been no.

He began to take deep breaths when he realized his hands were shaking. He would find him and he would be fine. Then he would let the little shit have it. Whether he took off on his own or Will had told him to get lost, there was no excuse for this. It had been dark for nearly an hour and Jay knew the rule of being home by dark. Pat worked hard on staying angry, but found he lost his grasp as terror swung back at him and took hold.

Will went to his room, but came back out to wash up and get ready for bed at his mother's request. He took his time, losing track of his thoughts as he stared in the bathroom mirror. He remembered telling Jay to get lost so that he and Holly could have a few minutes to himself. He couldn't even remember looking back to see which way Jay had gone. What if he didn't know how to get home? They hadn't gone far, but most of their friends lived on the same block or one block over. And the park they went to, was the other direction. What if Jay was dead and it was all his fault? He was the big brother, he was supposed to be the protector. A tear leaked out and Will quickly scrubbed it away.

He finally finished and scurried back to his room. The boys had shared a room for years, but last year Will moved into the third bedroom. It was time for him to have some privacy and he had reveled in it. But he knew Jay had struggled with his absence. In fact he would come into his room all the time at first, but finally, he dropped back and gave up most of his uninvited visits. So much so, that Will had begun asking Jay to come in from time to time—he didn't need total isolation, just some privacy when it was desired. But now, now he might have it all the time. Maybe his dad had found Jay, but he would have come straight home if he had. Will could hear his mother coming up the stairs, maybe she had news. But when she opened the door to his bedroom it was clear that she didn't and his heart sank.

Pat, with a queasy stomach and headache threatening, was about to give up his search and head back home to call the police. He stopped at the intersection, ready to turn when he saw him—a small boy, pushing his bike, his head down, but Pat knew instantly that it was his wayward child. He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for hours and he supposed that he had. He turned the corner and pulled the car to the curb and jumped out. "Jay!" He yelled, his voice sharp and yet somehow was laced with a bit of comfort. The boy looked up, his face confused, then relieved, then terrified. "What are you doing out here?"

Jay just stood there, his hands on the bikes handlebars, unsure what to do or say. "Sorry," he finally managed.

"Is your tire flat?" Pat asked as he looked at back tire.

"Yeah, sorry," he repeated.

Pat's emotions washed over one another. Now that he knew his son was safe his anger began to rise, but at the same time the reprieve from terror he had been feeling calmed that rage. "What were you doing son?"

"Riding around, but I lost track of where I was and then my tire got flat." Jay said, looking down at the tire that seemed to melt into the sidewalk.

"Get in the car," Pat said grabbing the bike and unlocking the trunk. He watched Jay slide into the front seat, his head down the entire time. He put the bike in the trunk and managed to maneuver it just enough so that the door closed. He then got into the drivers seat. "So tell me why you weren't with your brother?"

"Is Will home?" Jay asked avoiding the question.

"He is. Answer my question, why weren't you with him?"

Jay looked down at his sneakers and wiggled his feet as he thought about what he should say. He took as long as he could before Pat began to speak again. "Jay, I'm not going to ask you again," Pat warned.

"He was talking to a friend so I rode off," Jay said, not a lie but not exactly the truth either.

Pat nodded, knowing that neither one of his sons had been honest with him. He pulled up in front of their house and told Jay to get into the house while he unloaded the bike. Jay sprinted off, across the tiny front lawn as Mary came out, her face lighting up when she saw her youngest son. She held her arms out as he ran to her. Pat carried the bike back to the shed and put it away, thinking about how to handle the situation. He knew Mary would try to talk him out of whatever he chose to do, but he had to stay strong. These boys were going to learn lessons of life and he was the one that was going to teach them. It was his job to ensure they understood what difficult place the world and all of the expectations that they would encounter.

By the time Pat walked inside, Mary had Jay at the kitchen table with a glass of milk and Will was peeking around the corner, clearly relieved. "Will, up to your room, light off and in bed," he ordered sending the boy off and running. "And you, "he said looking at his youngest, "finish your milk then I want you upstairs, ready for bed and waiting for me."

Jay took another small sip of milk and then pushed his glass away and headed for the stairs. "Honey, can we just not deal with it tonight. Let them sleep on it and we can both talk to them tomorrow." Mary said taking the nearly full glass of milk and setting it in the refrigerator.

"Because they did wrong, one or both and they need to answer for it. You don't get a pass because it's late. We spent the last hour terrified and Jay needs to answer for it."

Mary was about to argue that Will held some responsibility as well, but decided against it. She had a pretty good idea what her husband had in mind and she didn't like it, but she also knew she had no chance of talking him out of it. Both the boys were good kids, but they did stray from time to time and Jay's recent indiscretion had scared her, in fact she was still trying to calm herself. It was probably better that she just let her husband deal with them.

Pat began his assent, the stairs groaning under his weight. He could hear the water running in the bathroom indicating Jay was doing what he had been told so he turned his attention to his eldest son. He knocked on the door as he swung it open to see Will reading a comic book. "I thought I told you lights off!" Will quickly set the book down and reached to turn off his bedside light. "Anything you want to tell me?" Pat asked as Will's fingers touched the lamp.

Will swallowed, if his father was asking him then Jay must not have ratted him out—or maybe he did. He wasn't sure. He should just tell the truth, but suddenly his mouth went dry and all he could do was shake his head no.

"Okay then," Pat said. "The light stays off."

Will wanted to point out that it was still early and a Saturday night, but he thought it best if he just kept his mouth shut—somehow he didn't think his father would care much about this concern. He watched the light from the hallway fade as the door closed and blanketed him in the darkness.

Pat went into Jay's room to find him putting his pajamas on. "All washed up?" Jay nodded. "Okay then. Let's take a minute to talk."

"Kay," Jay said quietly, looking down at the floor.

Pat sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him signaling him to have a seat. "So, let's see—you were out past curfew, you were really far from home and you weren't with your brother. Does that about cover it? Oh and you got a flat tire. Are you sure you just decided to go out on your own?"

Jay nodded as he continued to look down.

"I don't hear you."

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yes sir." Jay amended.

"So tell me what happened—you were with Will and then what?" 

"He stopped when he saw a friend and I got tired of waiting so I just took off. I was riding around and then realized that I wasn't sure where I was and it was getting dark and then my tire went flat and I had to get off my bike and then it was really dark."

"Hmmm, usually you stick with Will."

Jay shrugged. "I got tired of waiting for him."

"Okay then, I think you know what's going to happen next then." Pat said as he stood and began to pull his belt from its loops.

Next door Will could hear what came next and cringed as he heard each piece of the punishment being handed out. That should have been him, how could he have let his brother down, let him take the rap. But, Jay still broke the rules and both of them probably would have gotten lit-up instead of just Jay, so, really would he have saved him from anything?

Will heard Pat exit Jay's bedroom and head downstairs. He wanted to check on his brother but knew the squeaks from the floorboards would give him away without the noise of the TV being on downstairs. And besides, what would he even say, so he just turned over and closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep even as he heard Jay's faint cries.

"Was that really necessary?" Mary asked once Pat had returned downstairs, beer in his hand from the fridge.

"Yes it was," he defended as he took a long drink. "I don't completely believe his story about just taking off, but Will won't cop to it and Jay is defending him so that is the story I have to accept."

"If Will is lying then it isn't totally on Jay. He shouldn't pay if his brother is at fault as well. He's just trying to protect his brother—his big brother at that. He should be commended for not telling on Will." Mary said defending her youngest. She always felt that Jay needed someone on his side, that Will could handle his father, but Jay, well he needed some assistance.

"I do give him credit if in fact he is protecting Will, but, by making that choice, he has to deal with the punishment that comes from that decision. Besides, he was out past dark and was over a mile away, nearly out of the neighborhood—and that is not okay. And on top of that, even though he is protecting Will, he is still lying. So I disciplined him for it—all of it."

"He just can't win with you Pat."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"If he tells on his brother you would call him out for being a tattle-tale, but he keeps his mouth shut and takes the blame and you are upset he didn't defend himself and that he's lying. No matter what he chooses he seems to fail in your eyes."

"I'm teaching him that he is responsible for not only his actions, but his decisions. If he is going to carry the burden, then by god he is going to carry it. The world isn't fair and the earlier he learns it the better off he'll be. Would you rather I do it or the police do it in a few years?"

"Oh please, that's a stretch. Just because he gets in trouble once in awhile doesn't mean he's going to become a career criminal."

"He needs to learn what he does and says has consequences. I remember when I was a little older than him, my buddy and I decided to check out this abandoned house that had been boarded up after a fire. A bunch of kids had been bragging about being in there so we wanted to be able to sound cool as well. So we went in, one of the plywood boards was loose and had been pulled away, we walked around, it was so dark in there and the entire structure was dangerous—it was going to be demolished several days later. My father had told me—more than once—to stay out of there."

"But you didn't."

"No. I didn't. Chuck and I were about to leave when some older kids came in and we had to hide—one of them was Chuck's cousin and he would have given us a real hard time and probably wouldn't have let us out anyway. So we hid and waited and waited. By the time they left, it was well past dark, past our curfew, past our bedtime. And let's just say that what happened to Jay just now, wasn't even a drop in the bucket that I had to deal with."

"Well, maybe it's time for a change then."

"Maybe not, because I never did it again."

"Oh, you never broke into an abandoned building and got stuck again—is that truly an accomplishment." Mary said, her words snapping off in her anger.

"You know what I mean," Pat said practically draining his beer. "It'll be a long time before he goes far and I bet you he'll be home well before dark for a long time."

Mary just shook her head and headed to the sink to do the few dishes that remained.

By the time Will came downstairs in the morning, Jay and Pat were in the backyard cleaning out the shed. He figured it all must be a part of the punishment. He grabbed a box of cereal and poured it into a bowl and drown it in milk just as his mother walked in.

"Wasn't sure if you were going to get up today?" She asked as she looked at the clock that read 10:00.

"Didn't sleep well," he said in-between bites.

"Hmmm, wonder why that is," Mary said as she rummaged in a cabinet for something she didn't really need. Will paused in his chewing, but remained quiet. "I want you to clean up your room and bring me any clothes that don't fit you anymore."

"What?" Will asked. "Why?"

"Because it's time and I told you to," Mary said, still frustrated with the evening before. "Finish up and get going," she pushed. "And I will be checking, so don't try and hide the piles under your bed or in your closet." She wasn't sure if taking out her annoyance on her eldest son was the right thing, but she couldn't seem to help it. And besides, his room really did need to be cleaned up.

An hour later after he finished Will came back downstairs with a handful of clothes that either didn't fit or he didn't want anymore. He noticed Jay was now out front washing the car. He had been grumbling the entire time he had been cleaning, but now that he saw his brother once again taking the brunt of their father's anger, he felt bad.

He set the clothes down on the couch and walked out the front door and headed to help his brother out.

"Where ya going?" Pat asked, as he intercepted his eldest son.

"I was going to help Jay."

"How come?"

Will shrugged. "Because."

"Sorry, but no. He's being punished, so he has to do it himself. But, you can sit right here on the steps and watch him."

Will was about to argue but chose against it once he saw something flicker in his father's eyes. He sat down and watched as Jay slopped soapy water over the hood and reached as far as he could, scrubbing as hard as he was able.

Jay was on his toes trying to reach high up when he noticed his brother looking distraught tracking their father down and telling him something—then they both disappeared with only Pat returning.

Twenty minutes later Jay announced that he was done, bringing his father over to take a look. He eyed it up and down and nodded his approval. "Well, I think a car as clean as this ought to go out for a drive. Hop in son," he instructed.

"Will, take care of the rags, sponge, bucket and hose please." Pat directed at Will who had just popped out of the house.

Jay watched his brother start the clean-up, his face etched with discomfort, making Jay wonder what the conversation had been about and what had happened when the two of them disappeared. But now, he needed to wonder where his father was taking him and why.

They drove around for several minutes, the car silent, neither Halstead speaking, when Pat pulled up near a small ice cream shop. "I hear they make their own ice cream and it's supposed to be really good," he said to his confused looking son. "Just one scoop though, your mom will kill me if you're not hungry for lunch."

They walked in and over to the cooler showing of twenty-five flavors. Jay picked strawberry while Pat chose pistachio and then they made their way over to one of the small tables in the corner.

"You did a great job on the car and with the shed. For that extra effort you get a treat. Do you know why I had you wash the car?" Jay shook his head as he licked his lips. "Well, your bike needs a new inner-tube and by washing the car you worked off what it will cost."

"Oh," Jay said, wiping of some ice cream from his mouth.

"You needed to earn it. No free rides in this life son, you have to work for what you need and what you want. I wouldn't be doing you a favor if I just gave you everything or let you run wild." Pat explained. "Last night when you didn't come home, your mom and I were pretty scared. Do you understand why?"

Jay shrugged. "I was okay."

"But we didn't know that. Your mom was getting ready to cry. Did you want to make her cry?"

"I guess not. I didn't mean to," Jay recalled the look on his mother's face when she saw him run towards the house.

"One day if you have a child, you'll understand why I had to punish you so harshly."

Jay shifted around in his chair, not completely comfortable on the hard seat after last night's punishment. He figured when he was a dad, he'd be really cool and nice. He would never discipline his son like he was reprimanded. He would hug him and tell him stories and take him places like baseball and football games. And they would ride bikes and go to the park all the time. He would be the best father ever.

"Finish up," Pat said as he neared the end of his cone.

Jay looked over at his father, a much different face than he saw last night, but he never seemed to find comfort around him. He felt as if he was always auditioning to play the part of the good son, and failing to nail the role each and every time.

"Come on, eat it or toss it, we have to get a new tire." Pat said as he stood up, swallowing the last bit of his cone. "Oh your brother told me the truth."

Jay thought back to when he was washing the car when he saw Will talk to their father and they both disappeared, Will coming back later looking distressed. He had gotten in trouble just like Jay had the previous night. But he suspected that Will got it even worse since he was older and he had initially lied. Pat Halstead did not tolerate lies or the liars saying them and Jay wondered what that now meant for him. He froze, his ice cream melting, dripping down to his hand, wondering if he had further punishment waiting because he had covered for Will.

"I admire that you wanted to protect your brother, but the guilt tore him up. Even though you protected him, it didn't seem to matter in the end. Sometimes you have to defend yourself and sometimes you have to protect others. It can be hard to decide which one to pick."

Jay wasn't exactly sure what this meant or what he should have done differently. He was secretly glad that Will had felt bad enough to admit his role in the ordeal. But he wasn't sure what his father's message was and Pat seemed to realize that.

The older Halstead seemed to see the confusion on his son's face. "You picked your battle, I can't say if it was the right one or not—only you can decide that. But either choice came with repercussions, just like your brother's choice had consequences. Sometimes you can foresee them, sometimes you can't and just have to do what is right even if you may pay for it later." His father seemed to be looking for a response so Jay just nodded and said okay.

"Don't put yourself into situations that you need to wiggle out of. Do you understand?"

"Yeah." Jay said as Pat looked at him, his eyes narrowing. "I mean yes sir."

"Accountability son, you always need to be accountable for your actions, good or bad. Let's go get your bike fixed."

"Then can I ride it?" Jay asked just before he tried to bite off a big chunk of his cone to save it from the garbage can.

"Not this week kiddo. We'll get it fixed, but then it will sit. You did a lot wrong last night, including the lie you told me."

"But I already cleaned the shed and the car. Why can't I have my bike?" Jay pushed.

"Because I want you to remember all that you had to go through in case you ever decide to break the rules and stay out late again—no wiggling out of this one pal. Throw it out," Pat said of the last half of Jay's cone he wasn't able to finish.

Jay tossed it, his eyes following it as it disappeared. He had thought his dad had been nice treating him to ice cream, but as he sighed after losing the final bites of it, he wasn't so sure. It just seemed to be one more thing that his father could take away


	37. Temperamental Element

I apologize for the delay in getting this to you. I had hoped to have it ready a few weeks ago. But, perhaps the timing is better this way as we approach Veterans Day in the US; a tribute to all members of the military past and present. My family has its own history of service with my grandfather in the Navy during WWII serving in the Pacific Theater. My father was in the Army in Viet Nam, both my husband and I were in the Coast Guard, thankfully during peacetime. And then our son served two tours in Afghanistan with the Army. Fragments of this story are from some of his experiences. Mary's emotions are ones that I endured. It is with deep gratitude that I salute all those who have served and sacrificed.

This chapter was based on a request. It is told in first person, from both Jay and his mother Mary.

Thank you for your patience and I do have future chapters nearly ready to go.

Temperamental Element

I closed my eyes as the wind swirled the dirt around in a mini tornado, pushing it up my nose and the corners of my eyes. I was so sick of this fine dirt, it had worn out its welcome just as much as I have. I was supposed to be on my way home, not still here, not still ducking bullets and seeing death on a daily basis.

I stood for a moment, keeping my eyes closed as the sun shown down, warming my face and shoulders. Afghanistan, especially in the mountainous regions, had no actual weather, or maybe it had all the weather: sun, wind, heat, cold, chill, sand, raw nature everywhere you turned, but it all seemed to blend into one. I tried to see the beauty of the jagged rock that thrust from the earth, but I no longer found anything that could be considered alluring or scenic. Or perhaps it was here and I just couldn't see it anymore.

I wanted to take the picture out again, but fought the urge. I didn't want to be "that guy"—you know the one that incessantly talks about their kid or shows you the same pictures over and over. Besides I hadn't even met the subject of the small photo tucked away in the top pocket of my ACU. I'm still not sure if I have totally wrapped my mind around the fact that I was now a father. I knew it could happen, but I didn't expect it to—it was the furthest thing from my mind until it became front and center. I couldn't wait to go home and yet I was terrified of the very same thing. What if the expectations and my capabilities weren't even close or worse, what if there were no expectations at all? What if after everything I've endured, I wasn't capable of much of anything?

"Look at the damn picture," Corporal Max Egan said as he stood next to me. "I saw you writing a letter to him last night." I blush at his words. I thought everyone had been asleep or otherwise occupied, but in reality, I had only gotten one word down before I gave up. "It's cool, I wish that I could write Jared a letter, but I suck at that stuff.

"But I miss him, and I've missed so much. My dad tried to talk me out of enlisting—"there's a war going on son," he'd say. I already knew that, but had no idea I'd spend so much time away. I missed Jared's birth, and his second birthday is in three days. I promised him I'd be there, but then we got extended. I thought somehow I'd have more control, that I could still have a life and a family. But this is no part-time gig. I need to get out, but I have no idea what else I can do." Max chattered on. He had become my best friend during this deployment. We became friends in Ranger school, but being entrapped in the net of deployment had cinched us even closer.

"I'm sorry man," I tell him, knowing that he is also dying to pull out a picture of his young son, probably much more than I am. For me it is curiosity, studying his face to see how much it mirrors my own. But there is no time for that as the activity we are here to witness begins to take shape. We were in the danger zone, not by our location, but because due to some bureaucratic blunder several of us were forced to remain behind as our replacements had yet to arrive. It was a time where you kept your head down and took no unnecessary risks as it would be the time—the time when you were supposed to be home safe—but you were still dodging danger with every step and you might just zig when you were supposed zag.

"So what is happening down there?" Private Mark O'Malley asked as he peered through his binoculars; a keyhole to all that you didn't really want to see but were forced to.

"See those guys," Max pointed, "they're innocent villagers who Al-Qaeda thinks talked to us, so they're going to kill them."

"But did they talk to us?" O'Malley asked, concerned for the villagers.

"Nope," Max replied.

"Aren't we going to help them?"

"Nope," he repeated.

"How come?"

"Because they didn't help us," I said as I looked through my own binoculars as the band of Al-Qaeda rounded up the hapless and innocent villagers and dragged them into a clearing with the knives at the ready. It wouldn't be long before the slaughter began.

"But if they helped us, then we'd help them?" The Private asked.

"We would," I assured.

"But that makes no sense. They are being killed because they are innocent, and we aren't helping them because they are innocent." 

"We aren't helping, because they aren't an asset," Egan said as knives glinted in the sun and blood began to seep from gaping wounds in the necks of their victims.

"Aren't we going to kill them then?" Mark asked of the knife wielding maniacs.

"Not yet. We're here as back-up." I said.

"Back-up for what?" he asked.

"Just relax for a moment and time will tell."

We all stood in silent respect for the lives lost in front of us, wondering, like O'Malley, how any of this made sense. After the seven men lay dead and headless we sat for a moment to regain some sense of humanity that had leaked from us just as quickly as the blood below had. But it didn't take long before the second act began, just as the intelligence had predicted.

"Who's that?" O'Malley asked of the next round of men that were on horseback rode in with swords that looked as if they were from a 1930's epic movie. In fact the whole scene looked like it came from some old timey motion picture. But, unfortunately it was all too real despite the absurdity of it all.

"That's ISIS, they don't care for the other guys," Max explained.

"What's happening?" Mark asked, slack jawed at what he was witnessing. He had only been in Afghanistan for a month or so and was still getting used to the cut-throat, pardon the pun, ways of life in this area. These valleys would always be stained with the blood of the weak.

"ISIS is doing our job. They're taking out Al-Qaeda for us."

"Huh?"

"It's like those dolls," Egan explained. "What are those dolls Jay?" He asks me and I wonder why he doesn't use the bigger fish eating the smaller ones, analogy, but I answer anyway.

"Russian nesting dolls," I told him as I watch yet another slaughter take place, grateful that the large swords were much more suited to beheading than the chintzy little kitchen hatchets that were used in the first round.

"You see, one swallows up another and another." The Corporal explained.

"And what happens when you get to the last doll?"

"Then it's our turn," I say. "Put your ear plugs in right now," I order, not that the damn things are worth a shit.

O'Malley looked at me funny but put his ear plugs in anyway. I looked through my binoculars and knew it was anytime now—then the movement happened—the little noise—the snick of sound, the slight shift in the atmosphere, the running of the combatants—mere steps before they blew to pieces.

"What just happened?" O'Malley asked as the dust settled after the air assault.

"That, was us," Egan said, smiling, "nesting dolls, we are the biggest. Let's go ensure the job is done."

"Done? There's nothing left," O'Malley said as I shook my head and gave a lopsided grin.

If only this was one of the worst things we have seen, but it's not even close. Yesterday we watched a van blow up with several men inside, the only thing we were thankful for was that none of the passengers were kids. They had just passed us and were heading towards our base when it exploded, sending parts and pieces both mechanical and flesh different directions. One body ended up in a nearby tree, while the head ended up rolling around like a forgotten basketball. We weren't sure if the explosion had been meant for us or the base. But, gratefully their timing had been off. The Afghani's weren't known for their accuracy or marksmanship, but they had been improving and when they eventually got the hang of it, I'd rather not be here.

If I took a mental inventory of all that I had seen and ranked them in some kind of order, I would lose myself in a bloody misery that I would never be able to swim out of. But if you asked nearly every soldier what the worst was, they would say the kids. The true innocents. The ones that didn't understand why their world was unraveling one string at a time. I thought back to the little boy whose body that I had carried for miles so that his remains didn't fade away all alone and forgotten on the side of the road. I recall the little girl who had been shot in the neck and I watched her terror slide away along with her life. I had refused to let go of the blood soaked towel that I had been holding against her wound, even after Egan had pulled me away and outside of the hut. I just couldn't seem to make my fingers open.

Then there were the two boy's who had made the mistake of playing with firecrackers that were mistaken for live fire or maybe they were nothing but an excuse to shoot two little boys. If only I had been a few minutes faster, yards closer—then maybe the shots wouldn't have been taken. Or, perhaps, they would have been, and my blood would have been washed away right along with theirs. Death came as easily as turning the page in a magazine and I was tired of flipping through sheet after sheet of tragedy.

The people here held hope that each faction that came in would be better than the previous one, but they only got worse. The Mujahideen, the Taliban, Al-Queda, ISIS and whatever heinous coalition came next. I didn't want to change the universe, but I wanted to change something, change it for someone, but I have failed on all counts. We have done nothing for these people, the culture is too contrasting to ours—too distant for us to understand one damn thing about it. We have merely upset the tenuous balance that it had held before our arrival in 2001.

"You gonna work on your letter?" Max asked me as we sat around at the end of the day, digesting the carnage from earlier.

"Not tonight," I reply as I look through my mail from my mother. She sends her love and kind words and attempts to ensure that I know my father is at least somewhat interested in me and my life.

"Letter from your parents?" O'Malley asks.

"My mom, my dad has never written. Never will."

"Doesn't mean he doesn't think about you," Egan tries. "I mean just cause he didn't want you to enlist doesn't mean he isn't proud or doesn't think about you all the time. Maybe he was just afraid of losing you—have you ever looked at it that way? I mean, you're a father now, what if Liam came to you in twenty years and told you that he wanted to be a Ranger and go to war. What would you think? "

I sat in silence, knowing what Max said made sense, but I had no particular attachment to my son yet—he was no more than an idea in my world thus far. So, I switched tactics and decided to share one of my favorite father stories with them.

"When I was around eleven, my neighbor had season tickets to the Bears. My dad, like most Chicago men was a huge fan—is a huge fan. So, for one game, Bill had a family wedding to go to and was going to sell his tickets for that weekend. I offered to do all kinds of chores in exchange for the tickets and he was a good guy so he agreed. I worked for three weeks inside and outside to earn those tickets. And the Friday night before the game, he presented me with the tickets plus ten dollars to spend at the game. I was so proud, proud of myself and proud that I was going to take my dad to the game."

"But?" Max asked with slight trepidation in his voice.

"I was so excited to give him the tickets. My mom told me how proud she was of me to do this—I think she knew I was trying to make an effort. So she gave me a beer to take to him with the envelope with the tickets balancing on top."

"And?" O'Malley asked.

"He said he was impressed by my efforts. And then took his buddy to the game and left me at home. I wasn't even an afterthought. Any possibility of an relationship ended that night."

"Ouch, man." Max said.

"You know, it wasn't even that he went to the game with his friend—it was that it didn't even occur to him to take me, or maybe it did, but he dismissed it so quickly, it was barely there to begin with.

"I tried—he failed, then we failed," I finished.

"Did he ever take you to baseball game?" Max asked trying to find something positive.

"He always took my brother and me to a White Sox game at least twice a year."

"There you go."

"He always sat next to my brother. And I liked the Cubs."

"Did he ever take you to a Cubs game?"

"Hell no. He hated the Cubs more than he ever loved me. But then I think I loved the Cubs simply because he hated them," I chuckled.

"Hey, is Jay short for something? Jason? James?" O'Malley asked.

"No, I think when they realized they were going to have to teach my brother how to spell William they took an easier route with my name—a metaphor for my life—shortcuts to make things easier when it came to me." I said with a tight smile.

"Well you can take what your dad did and as a father, not do those things. At least he gave you that much." Max offered.

"Ahh, I suppose that's one way to look at it," I say in a mock toast with my bottle of water.

"You do the best you can for them. Be the best you can, because you owe this tiny human being that much—because they are the one person that deserves it—the one that doesn't deserve your failure. You're responsible for bringing them into this life, the least that you can do, is help them through it."

I managed a weak smile. I heard what he was saying, but it was like cardboard trying to absorb a puddle—it just wasn't working very well.

"Look, don't let your relationship with your father or what has happened in this place harden you and keep you from the good stuff. And trust me my friend, that baby boy will give you what you deserve and some of what you don't. But seriously, let it happen, be a part of it. Don't miss out just to spite your father because Liam will be the one that loses. Actually, you will be the one that will lose out even more."

"Where is all this coming from Professor Egan," I tease, knowing that much of what he is saying is right, which is exactly why I don't want hear it.

"I took psychology in my one semester of college. Don't let your bitterness towards your father ruin all the beautiful possibilities for you and your son. "

"Ah. Well, here's my poetic offering," I begin. "My dad and I saw the world in different colors and merging them just made mud."

"Then make a whole new rainbow for your son." Egan finished.

Two days later we were getting ready to go out on patrol. "Hey, Halstead and Egan, sit this one out. You guys should be out of here in less that a week—no need for you both getting killed now. You've had enough opportunities already." Master Sergeant Banks said.

Max looked right at O'Malley, whose face fell as fear silently crept over it at the news we were to stand down. In the few weeks we had been together, he had become like a little brother to both of us. We both had showed and shared everything we could think of, easing the intense anxiety he had been carrying from the minute he had stepped from the plane. He knew our departure was imminent, but like the kid he was, he believed it wouldn't really happen or that somehow he would be ready when it did.

"I get you Sarge. But, well, we won't get any sleep around here," he said as a helicopter came roaring in, spinning with all its might but only going straight down for its landing. "So, if I can't sleep and there ain't nothing happening around here, time will crawl—and the only crawling I like is a beer crawl, and that ain't going to happen here either."

"Suit yourself then." Banks said, knowing the mission would go that much smoother with both Max and I on board. "Halstead, what about you?"

"Think I'm going to let him have all the fun?" I asked as I prepared my gear, watching O'Malley's face go from forlorn to jubilant. At least I could make somebody smile.

"You two are forever my temperamental elements," Sarge said shaking his head.

"Is that a good thing?" Egan asked.

"I really don't know," Banks said shaking his head. "I don't know."

The dirt began to swirl again as we made our way, via Humvee and walking towards a village that had given us mixed messages in the past and always kept us on edge. The kids flocked for candy as they always did, and I had to admit I loved handing out handfuls of sugar wrapped in colorful paper. They looked at you as if you were some kind of god, bearing the remarkable gift of sustenance even if it was empty calories. But here any calorie wasn't wasted.

I hated seeing their thin bodies and shoeless feet. Winter in Afghanistan wasn't even in the ballpark of the Chicago chill but without proper clothing and a pair of damn shoes, it could be just as brutal. We had brought some blankets several months before, and I caught glimpses of them hanging in windows and over tree branches as I looked around. Our interpreter began the rapid fire, guttural chatter as we watched the kids run off with their sugar-filled treasures. I hadn't seen any of the women, but they were probably off doing laundry or some other chore. It bothered me to see the women carrying most of the workload that this culture seemed to encourage and allow. I had to remind myself that I would be going back home, to women in power suits and despite still not enjoying equal rights, having far more benefits from their efforts than the women around here.

With conversation going full tilt I saw Egan wave for O'Malley to follow him as they headed back towards several huts, which looked as if they were made of slabs of mud and rocks with rickety wooden doors attached. Most likely that's exactly what the construction materials were. But they offered very poor views of what was inside or on the other side as most had few windows.

I never saw what happened, only heard the shots and O'Malley screaming as he dragged Max out from behind one of the shacks. I immediately put my gun up and marched over, finding a panicked Mark O'Malley standing and pointing a shaking gun at a boy not much younger than him.

The Afghani boy was screaming something I couldn't understand and Mark was returning something that was equally unintelligible. O'Malley's finger was on the trigger, but it was bouncing so frantically I doubt he could have pulled the trigger even if he wanted to and since he had made no attempt to do so, I don't believe he was able to take the life standing in front of him.

I looked down at the only person I had ever considered my best friend and saw the life seeping from him as the blood began to pool. I heard a commotion in the background and looked back up to see the shooter was in plain sight, his gun up but appearing to be jammed as he shook it in frustration. He looked up, raised the gun again and in a moment of faith said, "Inshallah," and pulled the trigger again, but nothing happened—at least not until I raised my gun and put a bullet in his head. I hadn't hesitated, I hadn't given it a second thought, I just put him down with less sympathy and emotion that one would for a raccoon that they had hit on the road. When I was a kid, I never thought I had what it took to become a monster—but clearly I did. I had turned into something I didn't even recognize and knew much of my experiences here would stay firmly in my head, as I would be unable to share what I had become. They would stay locked away; all those that I had killed from rooftops, mountaintops, and face to face. All the pain I had caused, all the pain I had seen, all the pain I had become a part of.

Thinking of the kids' last words, I'm not sure what he believed Allah had willed, my death or his, but he wasn't going to kill another American, and I wasn't going to allow him to stop my friend from getting the aid he needed. That is what I had to focus on, believe and hold firmly. I had no choice, because if I realized that I did have one—well I'd be in worse shape than I was now.

I turned back around to see the medic running to Max and applying pressure to the wound, screaming words I couldn't comprehend. O'Malley had collapsed to the ground and my boots were sticky with blood. My world began to whirl around like one of those carnival rides, I took several steps backwards and the next thing I knew I was sitting on the ground and my face was wet with tears. I wanted this to be one of my nightmares, I wanted to wake up, I wanted this not to be happening, I wanted to go home, I wanted my friend to live.

"I'm not here, this isn't happening, I'm not here, this isn't happening." I had no idea I had been saying this out loud until someone sat down next to me and looked at me sympathetically and told me shhh, and told me it was going to be okay. But it wasn't going to be, it wasn't ever going to be okay.

Max made it back to base with a heartbeat, but I recognized death, it had become an intimate friend and knew it wasn't far behind. It was much like life, crooked and unfair. Its whispers were all around me and despite my best effort to make them go away, they had settled in were telling me things I didn't want to hear.

I had heard someone once say, death doesn't count if you don't see it, well I've seen plenty and believe it all counts. It will most certainly count for Max's wife and son and it will count for me as well. We were the odd couple, him from the flat fields of Nebraska, a small town boy, and me the kid from the south-side of Chicago. He was philosophical and loud, I was high-strung and quiet. We made a great team and we knew it from the moment we met. I had never had a greater confidant and figured I never would again.

O'Malley had been given a sedative when he couldn't stop shaking and claiming it was all his fault. He had seen the kid and the gun but hadn't fired. And felt he was the only reason we had gone on the patrol in the first place. His burden would be heavy and I wondered if he would be able to carry it for long.

I knew that death required payment—that cost being your life and that was the highest price anyone could pay for anything. There was no cheating, no coupons, and no exchanges. Max would soon know the secret that death held, could it possibly be as terrifying as life?

I knew this experience would bring about a whole new chapter in my life and it was one I didn't want to read. But my book isn't ending like Max's and I have to keep turning its pages whether I like it or not. One cannot just skip ahead—life just doesn't work that way. If we refuse to move forward, it just sits and waits for us to continue on. Unfortunately one simply cannot rewrite history to their liking.

I've seen more death than life and I had to decide which one to cling to—was the life waiting for me worth the battle that I fought every damn day? Could I possible swallow all the sadness that I had collected over the months? And if I could, would I able to keep it down?

I sat, my uniform laden with dirt and blood, squatting against a wall of sandbags when the doctor came out. His face said all I needed to hear. I nodded my head, mashed my lips together, did everything to keep the tears from leaking out. Mourning wasn't allowed in the present as it was always kept for later, except later never came. And then the audacity by those who can never understand, wonder why we all become madmen.

"He was able to regain consciousness and speak for a minute. He wanted us to tell his family that he loved them—and you. And, he asked that you write a letter to Jared. I'm sorry Halstead, he was a great guy." The doctor told me gently and all I wanted to do was run away, to run forever. Fuck this war, this world and everyone in it.

They wanted to move me to Bagram Air base in preparation to go back home. But I refused, I wasn't going to leave before Max did. The Master Sergeant took pity on me and allowed me not only to stay, but to accompany Max's body to the airbase where it would then wait for the volunteer escort who would stay with the body until it was interred.

I kept seeing that boys brains flying from his head, his forehead disappearing, the screams of several women who had appeared from nowhere, O'Malley's crabwalk backwards as if he don't know what to do or where to go other than move somewhere else. Max bleeding, the medic's face, pale and blanched, spewing uncertainties that I wasn't ready to grasp yet. The whole scene spun around and around, picking up snatches of scenes from previous days and nights. The burned, the headless, the tortured, the death and pain that just wouldn't stop. I wanted to put my hands over my ears and close my eyes and just curl up and die. I felt as if it was all dragging me down into a pool of sorrow, Max reaching out to me to take his hand and I want to—oh God do I want to. If I couldn't save him, who the hell was going to save me. I wanted to forget what happened to him, but I didn't want to forget him. But then again, I wanted to forget everything, where I was, who I was, my own damn name.

I had always struggled with nightmares since I was a kid. They had started just after Will had moved out of our room into his solitary space. I usually would wake up breathing heavy, my heart pounding, oblivious as to what I had dreamt about. Mostly, I think they were about being alone and not being able to find anyone to help—help with what I wasn't sure. There was one I did remember where I was walking down an empty street yelling out for my family but I couldn't find anyone, then my dad pulls up in a car, but simply waves at me and keeps on driving. If, and I kept thinking if, I did become a part of Liam's life, are these the nightmares that he would have?

Now nightmares had become frequent visitors and I was constantly fighting to stay awake. If I didn't sleep, I wouldn't dream—if I didn't dream my night wasn't tortured, it would give me a few hours of peace, but leave exhaustion in its place. Was there anything or anyone that could pull me away from the edge that I constantly crept on? I had an idea of who, and even absentmindedly patted my pocket, but sighed and felt any serenity leave me as if it could no longer stand the sight of me.

I could still hear the doctor telling me of Egan's request to write a letter to his son. He had thought that night I was writing a letter to my two month old son, but he didn't know the letter was to Bridget, and the only word I had written down was our son's name before I ran out of conversation. You see, I had no idea what I wanted to say to her either. But I had to try for Max's sake, I had to try take all the jumbled words that were floating in my head and do something beneficial with them. But how could I do that when all the hollow spots that had taken root had pushed out everything positive.

I couldn't breathe, I was drowning in the words that I couldn't write. But I had to, Max couldn't do this so that left me to honor his wishes, someone he trusted could do the job. We were in Bagram now, his body would be flying home without me and this letter had to go with him.

I was never one to be in touch with my feelings as I preferred to run away from them or lock them up and pretend that they didn't exist—probably why I had so many nightmares. I thought back to Max when he would speak of his son and would he would speak to him. Of when he would record himself reading stories and when he would just stare at the picture of his family. This was the least I could do for him—the very least.

The paper felt so light in my hands, like it might fly away at any moment. But so many things have done that lately that I couldn't bear to fail at this. I had my inspiration and I owed Egan this. I owed him so much more, but this one thing I could do—I had to do. I started and tore it up and started again; the pen shaky in my hand—the letters wavy in places they shouldn't be.

_You held me in the palm of your hand the very first moment of your life. Your first breath, took mine from me. You are what I had been waiting for without ever realizing it. Created from a bond and foundation made of strength and love those qualities are already instilled in you. _

_There was no longer a time before your existence, there is only room for now and forever, and whether I am there or not, you will always have a part of me with you._

_When I close my eyes every night, you are there. When I look at the stars, I see you. When I see the rays of the sun dancing, your energy shines through. You are wonder, you are life, you are my son. And you will forever be. If you don't see me, if you feel I am not there, just look at those places and you will find me. If you only see me in the drops of rain, look for the rainbow. _

_I may not be here or there, but rest assured that I am everywhere._

I was a crappy writer and certainly no poet. I had no idea if this would bring comfort or heartache or possibly confusion. But Max's body was leaving and this note had to go with it. So I left it unsigned and hoped his wife would simply accept the foreign handwriting and embrace the message.

After Max's body left the country I finally gave into sleep, having had nothing more than catnaps since his death. But not far into slumber I discovered what I had been avoiding. It was all so clear and obvious. I was standing there with a shovel in hand, bodies everywhere, I couldn't really make out who they were, Americans, Afghani's, both; faces of those I saw die, of those I killed or simply the anonymous representations of what had happened all around me. But I was supposed to bury them all—all hundreds that I could see. I could hear my father's voice that it was my choice to do this and I had better get going. I would look around wanting help, but it was always just me—what would wake me up was Max's body, the only one I recognized, stood up and came over and nodded at me. That's when I woke up, sweaty and heart pounding. I thought that was bad enough, but the dream got even worse when I finally returned home.

The pain and grief that I have endured, carved rivers through me, creating canyons of emptiness and dysfunction. But what is left to cling to, to hang onto? I am home, I am free, and I am acting out like an unsupervised teenager, because I have nothing left to lose. A woman whose name I never bothered to ask for, got up sleepily from my bed and made her way to the bathroom and shut the door, leaving me to try and blink my day to life.

My apartment was a small studio, I didn't need anything bigger, it was just me and I needed to conserve funds. I had already secured a place in the next police academy class but it didn't start for several more weeks. I looked around the room as I sat on my mattress on the floor, at the clothes strewn around and the dishes that held remnants from past snacks and meals. Take-out cartons and bags were mixed in and around the bottles of beer and hard liquor that stood and stared at me as if they were passing judgment; and perhaps they were—perhaps they should.

I had gotten back months ago and done absolutely nothing productive other than apply for the police academy and with my history and experience I was a shoo in. I had visited my mom the day I got the acceptance letter and gave her the news. She told me how she was proud of me and the man that I had become. We had a nice afternoon, until my father came home and she told him the news. He shook his head and asked me if I thought that was the best idea.

All I could think of was that I had stayed sober for this—all that effort just to get slapped yet more time. As I left he managed to yell out that I needed to grow up and take care of my responsibilities, meaning Liam. I felt that he always dragged me down and I was tired of it. But my mom was sick and only getting sicker and I needed to be near her, a part of her life. She had asked me more than once about Liam and how much she wanted to spend time with him before—well she could never get the rest of the words out, but we both knew she meant before she died. And she was right, she deserved to have time with him, to relish the role, however briefly, of being a grandma.

"He's your son, you need to show up for him. Get your head straight and do the right thing for once!" My father had yelled snapping me back into a reality I'd rather not deal with.

I swallowed hard and then found the nearest bar. And several weeks later I was still finding them and the women they had to offer. Whats-her-name came out of the bathroom with my ACU shirt draped over her. I had gotten rid of nearly everything else from my deployment but for some reason I had kept that one item of clothing.

"Who's this?" she asked as she pulled out Liam's picture from the top pocket, the only photo I had of him.

"Give me that!" I snapped as I snatched it from her hands.

"Is he your son?" She asked tentatively. "He's cute."

"You need to go," I said as I tossed her clothes at her.

"You sure? We could go another round," she offered.

I looked at my reflection in her eyes and suddenly saw everything I didn't want to be—a constant one-night stand, hung-over, lost in a sea of debris, following the same cycle—going nowhere. My life had become full of shadows and I had kept myself in the dark to stay hidden within them. But did I have the strength to not only find the light, but stay within it. Could I give my mother what she wanted and my son what he deserved? Did I possess the energy needed to move forward and continue that direction. I had no answers to any of these questions.

My life had become something unrecognizable. I looked up constantly, watching for snipers, I know how they worked, I had made my living being one of them. But I was back home in Chicago, not the streets of Kandahar. But I couldn't help it. I eyed everyone suspiciously, riding the bus or the L was torture as I viewed everyone as if they had an explosive vest on under the coat. I looked for IED's in the potholes that dotted the street and roadside bombs at every curb and intersection, everything was suspect. I had been encouraged to seek counseling, but I knew it wasn't for me. I would get through this on my own. Unless of course I didn't. But I had to survive, I managed not die over there, I couldn't die here. I had a plan, I'd get into the Academy, back to work and it would ease my stress. I would learn how to use my skills to serve the city I loved. If I could only show up for something else I was supposed to love.

After throwing out the woman, whose name I never did bother to learn, I walked and walked. I took in the tightly packed neighborhoods and throngs of people; all with things to do and places to go. I wanted to get lost in the cosmopolitan atmosphere; everything that Afghanistan hadn't been. I looked up and saw a sign for a bar and shook my head as suddenly I was walking through the door, despite having no recollection of deciding to do so.

Being the middle of the afternoon, in the middle of the week, it was quiet, actually more like forlorn and desolate and I wondered if that made me the same. I knew that bad things had settled within me and I hadn't been able to rid myself of them. I knew I came home holding tightly to the scars of war, rolling and relishing in their clots of density, a road map of all that I had done and seen. I had killed a defenseless boy, no more than seventeen, a jammed gun—he had killed my best friend and for that he had to die. At least that's what I had convinced myself, but that belief was slipping away. Egan wouldn't have wanted that, he would have voted for compassion and a second chance. But a second chance to do what—kill more Americans when given the chance? I'll never know what the future would have brought for him since I had taken that option away; something he reminds me of when he comes to me in my nightmares.

"How long have you been back?" The bartender asked me.

I had sat down on a stool in the middle of the bar. Six stools on either side of me, meaning there were thirteen. Odd choice as most places avoided the number at all costs. I wasn't sure how he knew I had served, much less deployed until I realized I had on my ACU shirt.

"Your choice of wardrobe and the outline of everything that happened is etched all over your face. I get it, I did two tours. I can read who you are,what you are, because I had the same map wrapped around me." He hands me a beer as he tells me it's on the house and slides a bowl of pretzels my way, the little ones that look like they are loopy bows and knots, that Will and I had liked so much when we were kids.

"I know what it feels like when nothing fits right anymore. You are home, but its not like it was when you left. The people aren't the same, the roll and pitch of the city isn't right, the feel of everything is too rough or too smooth. I felt like every flower had thorns, that despite the sun, the skies were always dark and laughter had no meaning." He said poetically.

As if on cue the three men at a booth in the far corner belly laughed as if they had heard nothing more amusing in their entire lives. I was instantly jealous and then angry. They had no right to be happy enough to laugh and truly mean it. I wondered if I would ever be capable of the action again and I hated them for practicing it so freely and with such ease. Laughter no longer had a place in my world.

It would seem like some much no longer had a place in my world. Smiles, the soft touch of a loved one, the thought of a bright future, positive memories—all were merely mysteries now and seeing others taking it all for granted caused anger to bubble up, and rage to race through my veins. It made me hate people who didn't deserve it, I hated them simply because they could live their lives with an ease I no longer had.

"You've got to find your light," the bartender said as he wiped down a clean bar. "You're in the dark you need to let some light in."

"I am the dark." I tell him as I take a swig of my beer. 

"Even more reason to let some light inside. Do you have kids? For me it was my kids that helped me."

I could practically feel Liam's picture burn through the pocket that held it as I replied. "No. I don't have kids."

"Nieces? Nephews? Well if not, you'll find something, someone who will be worth fighting the blackness that's pulling you down. Light destroys the dark and buddy, you look like you have a whole lot of darkness. You have to actively try and find your way out. If you keep still the devil will find his resting place and you definitely don't want that."

"No I certainly don't," I smiled as I flexed my hand, which was still sore from a fight I had been involved in a few days before. It took place in a bar much like this one. I faked a smile as I felt the devil beginning to settle in and get comfortable.

I could feel the book sliding from my lap but the sound it made when it hit the floor still jarred me from my semi-slumber. I had waited years and years for days like these; to the rest and relaxation of no schedules or promises. Of days that were left to written word and the joys that come with it. But, I could only manage a few pages at a time before exhaustion pulled me away.

I had always hoped my son's would be readers. I took them to story-time when they were young. Read to them all the time, but in the end they didn't share my love of literature. They read when they had to and no more. So I shifted my dreams to share the classics with my grandchildren. Trips full of adventure, journey's into the past, stories wound around a tale of morality; of amazing series that would bring great anticipation once one segment was finished, willing the author to hurry the words of the next one. But I wasn't getting that wish either. I was dying and the pace seemed to be picking up.

I rocked myself back and forth until I catapulted myself out of my chair. It took me a minute but I did manage to make my way down to the floor and pick the book up and set it on the end table. I looked at the framed picture that sat there, it had been taken just days before Will graduated. He looked into the distance and the freedom it would offer, while Jay looked pensive and uncertain; imagining life without his brother.

I know parents weren't supposed to have favorites, but we all do—at least somewhat. One child is more like you or needs you more, or for some reason just pulls at you with a strength that you can't combat. I loved both of my sons fiercely, but I had always felt Jay needed me more. There was just something introspective, and a tiny bit fractured that created a sensitivity to him that I felt he needed me more than his brother. But he also held this tension that was on a constant hum and I think those qualities tied together threw his father for a loop.

They never seemed comfortable with each other but managed—at least to a degree, but now they only traded their bitterness of one another. It was hard for me to watch especially as it deepened the older Jay got. Will seemed to know how deal with his father; what to do and what not to do. But Jay either couldn't understand the triggers or perhaps he knew them all too well.

When Jay told us he had joined the Army, Pat shook his head and scoffed. He told Jay that he didn't have it in him—that the military and any deployment would eat him alive. And Jay's response to that was to join the Rangers. I had to admit that I agreed with my husband—that sensitive nature just wouldn't do in a war. The boy that studied ant hills instead of wiping them out, probably wasn't up to killing anyone. But since he's come back, I feel as if he has left much of himself behind and I don't recognize what is left of him.

Months of no sleep, coupled with non-stop concern, skirting the news and having a panic attack with every knock at the door takes it's toll on those left at home. Poor Billy Rafferty came by to sell popcorn for the boy scouts and was met with a weepy, shaking woman who had just heard that several American soldiers had been killed in the same Provence Jay was serving in. That knock on the door was a parents worst nightmare. Even now, I found myself getting worked up, until I remember that he is home.

Pat would never admit to it, but I know it affected him the same way. I even caught him once with a tear leaking out of his eye as they read the names of the recent dead, grateful our son wasn't among them. But of course he would never admit to it, to me or to Jay.

I thought of the phone call where Jay blurted out that he had been told he was going to be a father and Pat erupting and demanding to know why Jay hadn't been more careful. And then there was the ever-constant question of "are you sure its yours." But, I could also detect some shift in my husband, disappointment and anger, but with a hint of excitement at the prospect of becoming a grandparent, or maybe that was on my behalf as I was certain I would die before having that opportunity. Will was busy in medical school and Jay, well he was halfway around the world now. Neither showing any signs of slowing down and becoming a family man except for a moment of irresponsibility over a year ago that gifted me a grandson.

In a private conversation Jay had shared the address and phone number of the woman he had been with before his deployment. Her name was Bridget and she didn't live that far from out neighborhood. It took me a couple of months but I finally worked up the courage to visit her. I wasn't sure what I expected, but I was pleasantly surprised by the woman with bright blue eyes and gentleness about her that would give her great tools as a mother. But as I spoke with her, I noticed something within those eyes that told me she had more hidden than she cared to share.

After that first meeting we met for tea or coffee at a nearby shop every couple of weeks. I looked for hints of any ulterior motive but failed to find one—after all I had tracked her down, she had never come after us. I had offered her some money, not much, but a little that I could spare, but she had refused.

She had decided to wait until the birth to find out the sex of the baby, saying there were so few wonderful surprises in life. I must say that I had to agree. I hadn't found out with Will, technology was still a bit iffy then, by the time Jay came along it was a bit better, but the results were still fuzzy and they made no promises.

She had told me of her time with Jay, leaving out all the intimate details of course, but sharing their connection and she did stop short of expressing love, but there was no doubt something meaningful had been experienced. But she was also clear that if he chose not to be involved, she wouldn't demand it. But I could tell she was hopeful that he would. I hoped he would too. I wasn't sure what would be left of my son when he did come home, I wanted to trust that it would be enough.

But when I first saw him, I knew pieces were missing—gone forever. The little boy guarding the ant hill had disappeared, replaced by someone I did not yet know, and wasn't sure I ever would. His eyes were steady, unblinking beacons of memories I would never come to know. The once gnawing emptiness I had when he was gone had turned into a tangle of knots that took root and I'm not sure which one was worse. It seems that in the end everything ends up pinching you, leaving nothing but bruises behind. Would being a father be for the best or would it demand things of him, that he could no longer give. Since Liam, who unbeknownst to Pat or Jay, I had met several times, was nearly eight months old and still hadn't met his father, my concerns ran deep.

I had encouraged, then urged, and Pat had pushed and demanded, but Jay just wasn't ready. The burdens that he had carried back from the war were just too heavy for him to see anything or anyone beyond them. But he would start at the police academy soon and wouldn't be able to visit his son with any regularity and I was afraid if he didn't connect now, it may never happen. I needed it to happen, I needed to know that my son was going to do the right thing, I needed to know that he could see the good in life through the soul of his son. Unlike my husband I had no doubts that Liam was a Halstead, he looked just like Jay as a newborn—natures way of proving paternity I suppose. He even had a few mannerisms that Jay had, like putting his little fists over his head when he went to sleep, just as Jay had when he was a baby. And he had an easy grin whenever someone spoke to him, just as his father had as a child, but had lost somewhere along the way. I knew that if he would just see the baby, part of what had been lost would resurface, a few more pieces would return, maybe even enough to become the person he had once been. But I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait—the cancer was winning.

I was terrified what might happen once I was gone. Jay needed something from me that I didn't seem to be able to give. I was tired, so tired—all the time. But I did worry what would happen when I was gone. I was the only one Jay confided in, even when he wasn't talking much. I was the one he would come to when he was ready—and what would happen when I was gone. All he and Pat did was argue and Will was busy with Medical School and the boys had drifted apart as adults. Jay needed someone who could pull him through this trial and the one after that and the one after that. I wasn't sure if he and Bridget would ever get back together, but somehow I didn't think they would—so that left one person who could save my son from himself and he drooled and only had four teeth. Obviously this baby was meant to be—meant to be so much for a man who needed every bit of it.

I must have dozed off, because the next thing I remember was the floor creaking, waking me and Jay standing there apologizing for rousing me.

I had left the bar and began walking, then was suddenly on the L, and now I stood in my parents living room. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are, sometimes you just wanted your mom. I knew she had been failing and I still had done nothing to help her. I mean, I came to the house and sat with her—or rather, I dumped some of my baggage on her, but it never seemed to be enough to make a difference as the weight was as burdensome as ever and her health was only worsening. I needed to meet my son, so that she could meet my son. I owed her that, I owed her as much time with her grandson as she could get and time was shortening much too quickly and here I sat—still not doing anything. She looked so frail, slipping away, one piece at a time—and I knew exactly how that felt.

"Hey Mom, can I get you anything?" I asked her draping the blanket from the couch over her lap before I sat down next to her.

"You can meet your son. Jay, it's time. He's beautiful and reminds me so much of you that if you had ever had any doubts you would lose them. And Bridget seems like a lovely girl."

"Wait—how do you know this? Any of it? That Liam reminds you of me, that Bridget is lovely? How do you know?" I asked, my eyes wide and wild.

"Because Jay, I've met them. Several times. And it's time for you to move forward. I don't know if you're ready or not, but you need to be. You've been stuck in this mindless routine and it's getting you nowhere. Son, I love you, I love you so much, but I can't fix your life for you—that has to come from you and I think your meeting your son would be a great first step. He's sitting up , babbling and crawling. He even has that twinkle in his eye that you used to have," she said, suddenly coming up short as she realized I hadn't had that sparkle in a very long time. But as I stood and pondered she continued as if she had read my mind. "Maybe he will keep that spark—the one that you lost, maybe you'll even get yours back, if you would just consider being his father, being in his life. He needs you Jay, but you need him even more."

I wanted to argue but I had no ammunition—nothing worthwhile. My fears were perhaps unfounded, but felt so real and I struggled with them as much as I did with anything that had happened overseas. I had felt as if I was being dragged down, dragged under and I didn't want to take my son with me. Starting on the police department was going to make me—or break me and I didn't want to take a chance of bringing anyone on my downward trip if that were to happen. I wanted to believe I was being altruistic, but really, I couldn't take the blame for anyone else's demise. I was scared, too scared to move forward for any reason. Why meet my son, bond and then float away in my personal agony. Better not to have loved than loved and lost. Though I'm pretty sure the saying is the other way around. But it didn't matter—it was whatever I wanted it to be—needed it to be. It was easier to be a victim that a failure.

My mother called out my name but I ignored her as my stomach clenched and then swayed as my emotions piled up. She was showing me a picture that had been taken recently of Liam in her lap, but I pushed it away, hitting her arm causing her to cry out. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to do what she wanted me to, but I couldn't, I was just stuck. I hadn't been sleeping, the dreams had been relentless and they pulled me into their madness and I couldn't stop them.

"Tell me about them," my mom said as she pulled my face around to look at her.

"What?" I asked bewildered.

"Your dreams," she said. "You just said you had so many dreams. Tell me about them."

I hadn't realized I had been speaking out loud—I hadn't meant to—hadn't meant to share any of it. But, maybe I did—maybe I had to. So I began to tell her. I told her of bodies everywhere and the graves I had to dig. Then the graves began to fill with water and I fell into one, or all of them being the way dreams can work that way, and the water was up to my neck and suddenly I was holding Liam and the water kept getting higher and I kept holding him higher—up over my head, but still the water wouldn't stop—we were going to die and his death was going to be my fault.

I had my head down as I had told her all this, but lifted it up and looked at her. "I saw so many people die. I took so many lives, I heard screams and terror and with each death the water in my dreams became deeper and more turbulent. Mom, no one has a right to become a parent who has so sinned that their children must suffer. And I've sinned—so many times." I said and then broke down and sobbed uncertain where my words had even come from

.

My mother held me and let me cry it out. She soothed me as best she could, explaining war was just that and I did my job as a soldier and now it was time to do my job as a father. She didn't rub it in as my father would have that I had made my bed and now had to lie in it for the rest of my life. She listened, she was gentle, she was understanding, she was being exactly what I needed. What, perhaps I could be for my son, if I would only step up and do it. But I was so afraid, afraid of an infant. What if we didn't bond? What if he looked at me and just cried and refused to accept me? Or, what if we did bond, but I was still a mess? Everyone kept saying kids will help, but what if he didn't? What if instead of my son helping to bring me up, I only dragged him down? What if we both drown? What if we developed a great relationship and somehow I lost him? I seemed to lose everyone I had ever been close to: Will, Max, my mom. I kept turning my fears over and over in my mind when I heard my mother's voice pushing through my torment.

"You saw death, you caused death, but there is still life and a young life that is going to look to you for so much—it will be much easier to explain to him your failings than to explain to him why you were never there at all. Don't let your father be right in what he thinks of you. You stand up to him and stand up for your son. You show him exactly who you are and how good of a father you can become."

She knew me too well. She knew if she challenged me I would be more apt to respond. She knew I would never forgive myself if I didn't.

Life or death, the most basic or elemental of decisions as I think back to what Master Sergeant Banks had called Max and me—temperamental elements, I still wrestled with its exact meaning and I'm not sure I will ever fully understand. I think about what the bartender said about all the bad stuff settling in, the devils resting place and how I was the only one who could evict it.

As I stood in front of Bridget and Liam's apartment I realized that I did know a few things. I know life is hard and war is harder, but sometimes surviving is the hardest. I look behind me and to the corner at the busy traffic as it races by as I wonder why I survived and if I deserved to. I look down at my hands, though I have no idea why. Then I think of my dying mother and how she deserves to outlive her son. I think of Liam and how he deserves a father and I realize I am the one that can fulfill these demands. I think of Max Egan, the best friend I ever had and feel unworthy that I am still here and he is nothing. I think of his son and my son; two boys without fathers, I can't do anything about one, but I can for the other. And I will do this; I will do this for Max, I will do this for myself and I will do this for my son.

Soundtrack:

Orca—Wintersleep

Anne Brune—I'm not here—this isn't happening

Ashbury— Madman

Mick Flannery What you give

Shirheen—So human of you

Subterranean Street Society—Only your sins know

Matthew Mayfield—Wolf in Your Darkest Room

Whiskey Shivers—Graves


	38. Glass Island

In this chapter, Liam is five and Bridget/Emma is still in Chicago. In fact, this is where she tells Jay that she has to leave. There is a slight sexual situation, but nothing graphic. It is told in the first person by Jay, then Bridget/Emma.

Also, just a shout out to any other fans of Supernatural—where my pen name came from and the show that got me started so many years ago. The program that gave me the inspiration to write and constantly fed my imagination. It was a tearful goodbye to a fabulous run and I will be forever grateful for all that I have done since that very first chapter so many years ago on a forum that I have long since forgotten. But the beginnings of my writing, an outlet for me, saving my psyche from so much, will never be forgotten.

**Glass Island**

**Jay**

I scooped up Liam and hurried up the apartment steps. "We're late buddy," I told my five year old son. It had been one of those beautiful early Chicago spring days, the sun had been warm, the breeze light and the promise of summer was already evident. We had spent the day down by the lake and then ended it at the playground by Grant Park. But with as with all things fun, the time went by too quickly and though I had texted Liam's mother,

Bridget that we were on our way, I knew she would be eagerly waiting. She always seemed to be restless until Liam was back in her care. I knew that she trusted me and loved that I had time with Liam, but it also seemed to unsettle her whenever they were separated.

I hit the buzzer underneath her name on the exterior wall and waited as Liam's blond locks brushed against my cheek. He had behaved so well all weekend, cute, cuddly, loving. A few days prior when I came by for my Wednesday night visit he had been irritable and cranky. Of course his behavior was partly due to the fact that I was late. I was welcome to come anytime after five and keep him until 7:30 if I took him out, or stay with him until bedtime at 8:00 as long as I agreed to get him ready for bed and tuck him in. Visitation, was pretty fair and fluid, it was my schedule that often caused the issues—and those issues could cause a cranky five year old.

It was always the disappointment on his face that would make me cringe. Two weeks ago on a Wednesday night Sarge had noticed me checking my watch over and over asking if I had some place else I would rather be. Of course that answer had to be no, except it wasn't. I wanted to spend the few precious hours with my child. But by the time the case got to a stopping point, the best I could do was a phone call and a promise of a better time in the future. It was an empty promise to his five year old ears; at his age everything is in the now and I hadn't been there in his now.

Even though I had been at it for over four years, I still felt like a novice. I didn't even start taking him overnight until he was two years old. It was like I was afraid I would lose him, break him or somehow screw him up if I went over twenty-four hour mark. But eventually I found a groove, built up some confidence and felt somewhat secure that I was doing at least a halfway decent job. Now if I missed a Wednesday night or even worse a weekend, I felt the loss as profoundly as he did.

Today at the playground I would catch him at the end of the slide and swing him around. He loved that—every time—he loved it. His eyes would light up and his laughter was infectious, and was what would get me through the most brutal of days. Every night at 7:30 my phone would ring and it would be his tiny little voice telling me goodnight. I always tried to answer, but if I would miss it, his words would stay in a message that I could listen to just one more time before I went to bed.

The door clicked and we went inside. Liam was heavy in my arms, both of us feeling the day as it had worn us down without us even being aware. The door to the apartment opened and Bridget was standing there waiting. She reached her arms out causing Liam to cling to me, his arms wrapped around my neck. I handed her his backpack that contained his favorite must-have items so she wouldn't be left empty handed.

"He had fun?" Bridget asked as she peered around to look at his face.

I wasn't exactly sure if it was a question or a statement, but I answered anyway. "I believe he did." I said as I walked in towards the living room, Liam still in my arms.

"Stay Daddy," Liam said, his fists rubbing his eyes.

"You need a bath. I think there is sand in your hair," Bridget said.

"No!" Liam protested.

"Maybe, if you take a quick bath, Daddy can you read you a story before he leaves." She bribed.

"Okay," Liam quickly agreed charging off to the bathroom as soon as I set him down.

"Sorry, I should have asked first." Bridget said as she turned to me. "I know you have to work tomorrow."

"It's fine. I don't mind staying," I told her, meaning it.

"Can you stay after Liam's in bed? I need to talk with you for a few minutes."

"Sure," I blurted out as I wondered what she might want. More child support? Different visitation schedule? I went and sat down on the couch as Bridget headed to the bathroom where Liam was calling for her to hurry up. She had mentioned wanting to talk to me when I picked Liam up. Something about a trip. But Liam had come out ready to go and we parted leaving the conversation on hold.

I heard my son's chatter over the running water, and Bridget saying lot's of uh huh's and oh really's, an attempt to give the illusion she was paying attention to his steady stream of words, but I could tell she wasn't, her voice was distant and distracted. This made me wonder even more what she wanted to talk about. I could probably come up with a little more money if she needed it. I hoped she didn't want to change the visitation. I know Wednesday nights didn't work out as often as I wanted, but I would fight to keep them.

Restless, I got up and wandered into Liam's room. The floor was free of toys, the bed was made and no clothes cluttered any surface space. Bridget had clearly tidied up after Liam's Friday night departure. My apartment, on the other hand, looked as if a tornado had roared through even though we had spent most of the weekend outside. Like most Chicagoan's, we jettisoned outside at the first hint of warmth. But in the mere minutes we were inside, Liam, as always, made it his own.

I looked at the the picture of the two of us on his dresser. It had been taken on Kindergarten craft night and Bridget was supposed to be in it, but she backed out with some excuse just before the flash went off. It made me all the happier that I had managed to get a few shots of her a couple of weeks before. At first I didn't feel right about infringing on her privacy, but I got over it pretty fast. I kept the picture in the drawer of my nightstand. Just knowing it was there gave me some kind of ease.

Thinking of that day, the elephant that Liam had been so focused on was sitting on his bed next to Bear, the police bear that I had given him. He usually brought the toy with him to my house but he had forgotten it this time, which somehow translated into me having to read him three books at bedtime due to the profound absence of his bedtime buddy. I sighed as I picked up the picture and traced our faces, my gentle grin next to Liam's gleeful cheer. Suddenly there was a noise behind me as Liam ran in, his towel falling to the floor. Bridget smiled as I moved away from his dresser so she could grab his pajamas.

"I'm all clean and my teeth brushed. Two stories Daddy," Liam begged as he stepped into his underwear that Bridget held open for him. She tugged him back from trying to get to his bookshelf, pulling his top on as I stepped towards his selection of fiction.

"I'll pick one and after you get your pants on you can pick one," I told him. I chose a book about a car stuck in traffic who was learning patience while Liam hopped up next to me and picked his favorite about monkey's jumping on the bed.

"I'll leave you two alone," Bridget said disappearing from the room.

"Up you go," I told him as I pulled the covers back. He climbed in bed and grabbed Bear, pulling him close. "Read Daddy," he demanded.

We got through the first book, thirteen pages of stimulating conversations between, trucks and cars, all getting along and realizing their delay had been nothing but a blessing. But we didn't get far into his selection before his eyes got heavy and his head nodded away from me. I pulled the covers up a bit further and kissed him as I grabbed both books and put them back on the shelf, turned the light off and closed the door behind me.

I had worked hard to focus on my last minutes with Liam, but at the same time I was wondering what his mother could possibly tell me. Or—or maybe she just wanted me to stay. I would do that every so often. She would ask, I would tell myself not to do it—it would lead nowhere except for rejection. It was the same thing every time and I could never figure it out—her out. But I stayed anyway.

"What's up?" I asked her as I watched her in the kitchen as she took two beers from the fridge.

"Is he asleep?"

"Yep. Lasted to the third monkey and was out." I said as I accepted the beer.

"Killian's Red, you like it don't you?"

"I like beer," I replied taking a big swig. "Didn't know you were such a fan?"

"Not really, but—I thought I'd have some for you." She said taking a sip. "I know ironic right? The Irish chick isn't a fan of beer."

"This must be big news."

"He has so much fun with you. I'm so glad that you have grown so close."

"Yeah, well, I don't have the day to day stuff, so it's not too hard to have fun on the weekends. But yeah, I'm glad that we are pretty bonded."

We made our way over to the loveseat and sat down. She set her beer on the coffee table while I hung onto mine for dear life. "Jay—I'm going away. I'm not sure for how long yet."

I had heard her words as they were spiraling in my brain, swirling, clattering, bouncing as if they were on springs. "You can't take him away from me," I blurted out, terrified that I was going to lose Liam. I was already thinking about how much a lawyer would cost, how much of a chance I would have of making her stay here or some kind of arrangements that would keep my son in my life.

"Jay—take a breath—listen to me," she said clearly feeling my anxiety. "I'm not going to take him away from you, I'm asking you to take him full time."

Now my brain did an about-face, my terror in a complete reversal. "I'm not equipped to be a full time father, I don't have the time, the patience, the resources." I wasn't even sure I had said it out loud until she smiled, and her hand came to my face, her fingers trailing down my cheek.

"You'll be fine. I have ton's of sitters and have asked for referrals for several in your neighborhood."

"But my schedule—you know—I can't," I stammered, panic ringing in my voice.

"You can. I know your schedule is long and crazy, but I have found people and centers who can take children around the clock. And perhaps—well maybe you can cut back on your hours."

"I can't. I'm in the top unit of the city—you don't give that away." I expected an argument but I guess she didn't feel she was in a position to give one as she simply smiled.

"Then you can do both," she assured.

My heart was hammering at the news. I didn't know what to think or do. Why was this happening and where was she going? "You can't," I managed to eek out.

"I have to."

"When will you be back?"

"When I can."

"That's rather open-ended. Days? Weeks? Months?"

"When I can Jay," she said as she leaned in, her lips heading for mine. But I wasn't ready to fall into the trap that always ensnared me.

I leaned back and then stood up, my hand running through my hair. I paced several steps in each direction and then chose not to sit down when I got back to the couch. "How? Why?" I began my one word sentences again.

"It's complicated. But it is something I have to do. If it wasn't so important, believe me I wouldn't go. I have no choice. I'm counting on you Jay—you are a fantastic father and I know you can do this. His eyes light up every night when it's time to call you. He looks out the window every Friday night when you're supposed to pick him up, waiting, watching every person that goes by, every car that goes down the street."

"I don't understand," I told her, because I didn't. She loved Liam more than anything. She also loved her job, the apartment and the city—what in the hell could make her leave it all behind? "Tell me why. I can help you. Think of what this will do to Liam—to me."

"I wish that you could help but you can't. The reason isn't here."

"Is it your visa? I'm sure we could figure something out," I offered.

She smiled, but it showed nothing but sadness. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but the words just wouldn't come out. I had been so guarded about revealing my feelings for her, mostly because of the fear that they wouldn't be reciprocated, and who wants their heart crushed.

"Do you know the lullaby I sing to Liam?" I nodded yes, though I only had a vague idea having only heard a few times. I only recalled that it was very haunting. "I sing, that I'll fly for you, my child, my son. I have to fly for him now."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that I have to go." She replied, reaching out to me again. "It means that despite the fact that I love my son more than anything I have to leave him. It means that despite the fact that I love you Jay Halstead and want nothing more than to live my life with you, I have to leave." She said as tears began to fall from her eyes.

I stood there like an idiot not knowing what to do or say. I couldn't believe that she had admitted her love for me while I left my words laying on my tongue. I leaned over and pulled her up and as we came together it felt like it always did. I had always compared us to magnets, turned one way we repelled each other, but turned the right way we grabbed a hold with a ferocity that couldn't be denied. Our bodies seemed to melt into one another and our mouths found their target. Our kisses were hungry and wet. Seemingly reading each other's minds she jumped up and wrapped her legs around me as I carried her past Liam's closed door and into her bedroom where I set her on the bed and before either of us realized it, our clothes were heaps on the floor.

She laid back on the bed as my lips began to explore her body, inch by inch. I knew that this would be the last night we were together, not only from her words, but from her desire that seemed to burn through her skin. We both seemed to know that we would never find love quite like this again. Our connection seemed to blaze brightly when given a chance, and I only wished we truly had had that chance. My best days, even as short as they were, were the ones spent with her. We had enjoyed magnificent days and nights, seeing nothing beyond ourselves and that was good enough. We created a beautiful child together and I believe that we could have created a life together as well. When I was with her, it always felt like that last piece of a puzzle being snapped into place, the picture finally completed. I used to pretend that we were together, on the nights I tried to push my day away, I would envision our little family, small and mighty, full of love. But apparently the pain and problems of her past held a stronger pull than her love for us.

I looked into her eyes, two turbulent pools of blue, as I entered her. We held each others gaze, not wanting to look away. I went slow, not wanting this to end. Her arms lay over her head on the mattress and I placed my hands in hers, fingers intertwined. I leaned in and kissed her again, connecting in every place we could. As always, we found our easy rhythm. There were rarely theatrics or a need for constant movement and motion, it was just us, in a place that was just for us. I pulled my head back again and looked at her beneath me, her face soft, but betraying the emotions that had stayed bottled up and unspoken. Clearly she had run away from something and had run far. But she wasn't able to tell me what it was even though it would take her so far away. I tried to hang on as long as I could, but finally relief washed over us both and I collapsed next to her. It was only then that I had realized, I hadn't even thought to use a condom. She seemed to know exactly what I was thinking as she turned to me and smiled.

"No worries. It's okay."

I wasn't sure how she knew that, but I trusted that she did. We lay face to face taking each other in, like a deep breath, or staring at a favorite painting trying to understand why you found it so fascinating. I held my hand up and she reached up and took it, our fingers intertwining once again, as if we held on tight enough, we could make whatever this was go away.

We got up, pulled the covers back and climbed under the sheets. I pulled her close to me and despite my best efforts not to, I fell asleep but not before I whispered my love for her.

**Bridget (Emma)**

I could feel Jay's deep and even breathing. Before he had found slumber, he had reciprocated my words of love from earlier. I embraced them as hard as I did him, I would hang onto them forever. I pushed my body back a fraction backwards until my it folded perfectly into his. I was surprised he couldn't feel my body tingling in its satisfaction and elation of our touch and togetherness.

This is what I wanted, what he seemingly was willing to give me. Our nights together, our mornings filled with coffee and smiles and wishes of a good a day. Our little boy playing at our feet. Could I pretend that my past wasn't a constant danger that I felt hovering over my shoulder? A dagger that was waiting to slice through our world? Could I tell Jay that I would stay and we could try? Were we safe? Would we stay safe? I asked these questions, already knowing the answers. Even though it had been over six years, I could never relax, never enjoy my life knowing that I had put those that I loved the most in harms way.

I could never truly be happy knowing that danger constantly lurked; that there was a very real possibility of Jay being killed simply because he was with me, our son taken to an unknown land and raised by a sadist. I would certainly be left alive where the torture would be much greater than if I was allowed to die.

I knew that I become complacent. I had ceased to look, to watch everything around us. It hadn't been that long ago that Liam and I were at the park when he had found a stuffed elephant and insisted that he take it home with us and care for it. I was so busy in our discussion, so focused on Liam that I disregarded everything else, something that had been happening with more regularity than I cared to admit. As we headed for home, I felt it—an unseen eye—a feeling of being watched, but when I looked around it had already passed and I had been too busy to notice when it mattered.

The next day Liam brought home a paper to sign him up for T-Ball. He had asked, then begged and demanded to play, but I had said no. I denied him because it would mean more exposure—exposure to more people, more places, more possibilities of being captured in pictures. Americans insisted on taking pictures of themselves during every event as if they didn't document it and then post it—it never happened. That if others didn't see their involvement in life then they weren't truly living. I was shaking my head no and declining selfies with other mothers, group pictures at Kindergarten functions and my self-exclusion was becoming obvious and causing the whispers among the mothers to thicken. It was seemly clear that it was more than just my accent that separated us. And I knew as Liam grew, it would only worsen. It would never be fair to ask him to abstain just to give me peace. To possibly move at every shift in the wind. To even face the possibility of having to take him away from his father.

The risk would grow and it would be something that I just couldn't be responsible for or perhaps it wasn't something I would take responsibility for. It was a selfish act, I was selfish despite trying to convince myself I wasn't. Leaving behind what I loved for their safety sounded noble—but I had been the one that had knowingly put them in that precarious position in the first place. I hadn't been concerned about the lack of birth control that had caused momentary panic in Jay, as unbeknownst to him I had had my tubes tied when Liam was three. I just couldn't bear the possibility of bringing another child into my world and have them become ensnared and victimized by a situation that they would never come to know or understand—which I believed was the very worst thing—a victim of ignorance but part of a darkness that carried very real evil.

I had gone walking today. Something I would often do after my chores were done on the days that Jay had Liam. I would take the bus to the Loop and walk among the buildings, towering and straight. All the windows like eyes looking down on me. Each one held an office full of people, all with stories of their own. I walked by the river and then down Michigan Ave with all the stores, reaching out with their promises of goods and rewards to those who stepped inside. Finally I had come to Millenium Park and stopped by the Bean to watch the flocking natives and tourists alike pay homage to its shiny exterior. Then down to Grant Park and the fountain that had always captivated Liam. It was there that I saw Jay. He had Liam up on his shoulders, his hands firmly holding Liam's legs, he was looking up and talking to him as Liam was pointing towards something in the distance—and when Jay nodded and headed the direction in which his son had indicated—I knew—I knew the time was now. I knew Jay, who at one time had been somewhat skittish and fearful of his small son—that somehow one wrong move or word would cause the child to disintegrate, now held a confidence that was laced with a sensitivity that would make—had made—him a great father. Their bond had formed and strengthened and was only proven to me even more when Liam refused to let go of Jay's neck when they had arrived home. It was as if I needed one more sign that it was time and my own five year old son, had known exactly what it was.

I did sign Liam up for T-Ball and I put the forms and practice schedule in the list of babysitters for Jay. I just can't make them pay for the sins of my father, a man who I knew would never give up—not really. Even if he never found me, he would always be nearby, a haunting and constant presence, tainting everything we did or didn't do. Why should the two people that I love the most have to be pulled into whirlpool that they could just as easily escape.

If I told Jay, he would insist that we would be safe—and he would truly believe it. He would believe that he could take care of us and any demons that dared to touch our lives. He kicked in doors, shot first and asked questions later—but never with a force as strong as the one that I had left behind. He had no way of knowing their reckoning. He had no concept of how big an evil this was and just how small he was in comparison. He had fought enough battles in Afghanistan and would have many more to fight in Chicago—this was a battle that wasn't his to deal with and to ultimately lose like so many before him had.

I had come to Chicago and built an island, one where I was very happy, but in the end, it had only been made of glass and it had finally shattered.

Glass Island by Wax Fang

Can't get it right by Matthew Perryman Jones

Oak Tree Mirel Wagner

Walking on the Ceiling Class of 88

Break Free King Dude


End file.
